30 and addicted - My story

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by aka711, Mar 23, 2016.

  1. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Hello,
    I am 30 and been jerking off to porn since 8.
    I remember the first playboy I found in my dad stuff and I remember the sensation of rubbing it for the first time. I believe we always try to achieve that feeling again.
    Then I grew up with Internet porn, and in my case, growing up as gay man, porn is even a bigger issue because when you are in the closet that's basically all you have. Then I grew up, got out of the closet and started having my first experiences. The problem with me was that at first I can keep a very strong erection, when I kiss a guy I'm instantly rock hard but as sex goes on it keeps going from semi to hard, depending on the stimuli or if I touch it. It kept happening for the 5 years of my last relationship, and I never thought it was a problem I just always thoght that it was my was of having sex. But it started bothering me that I cannot orgasm with oral sex, and that sometimes I take too much time to cum. I've been to a bad breakup of this relationship and After that I stated taking care of my selfsteem and that was when I stared to research about my problem and found this website. I relate with so many cases and so many symptoms. I have been jerking off regularly to porn, cam sites and all, to the point where I would do it 3/4 times a day. It never disturbed my studies or my personal life so badly because I would schedule it to my showers and my time before bed but I realize now that porn and masturbation have changed my brain to that kind of stimuli only and I want to have a more fullfilled sex life. I'm going for 90 days without porn or jerk off but I have dates where I would
    like to see if I can take sex further. Anyone think this is a good way to start?
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2016
  2. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    Of course. Give it a try and see it up for yourself. Having said that it's not gonna be easy but with the help of this forum, it will be possible. Good luck!
     
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  3. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    thanks mate! Its really helpful to know people going to the same struggle and to think that 3 days ago I thought I was the only one with this issue. Incredible how modern society and porn can screw us
     
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  4. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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  5. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    man, thank you
    today I woke up with this huge urge but your message was the first thing I read so it calmed me down.
    We must fight and regain the power of our own life.
    Wish u all the best
     
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  6. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Im on DAY 6 and since yesterday I can feel my anxiety to grow. I kissed this guy Im dating and I got instantly hard but we never made it to sex or foreplay, I was on the mood but he was not. Then he didn't text me after the date so my anxiety grew, of course I have to deal with rejection because it's not gonna be the first nor the last but dealing with my addiction together in the mix makes its harder. well, that's life, I must overcome it to become a better person and I will. Another thing happened, today I opened my Skype account where I used to M W/cam. My intention was to take 2-3 people
    that I care from there and tell them about my addiction and move them to a safe work account to be normal friends and to delete the dirty one but one guy has sent me a nude picture when I was offline and it opened almost instantly when I opened the programme and honestly I took a really good look at it before I close it all. I did not got hard not touched myself. I could feel the rush running through my body and penis increasing tough even if I didn't got hard. Does it count a relapse ? I don't feel like the urge to M now but I would like to delete the account to be safe but if I open it I'm affraid of feeling tempted to take a glimpse again.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2016
  7. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    It doesn't but stay away from all that.
     
  8. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    He may only have dated u looking for a relationship... When he knew u were after sex he may backed off... Just chill out

    Its not a relapse, but honestly, the same thing happened to me during my first long streak and puff!... relapsed. So, be aware
     
  9. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 7 - Its hard to deal with rejection and quitting PMO. I realised there is so much more subtext for why I used to do it. Not only to kill time but also when in my case I was felling just a little sad. Understanding those feelings might help me heal in a deeper way and it makes me wanna persue my track.
     
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  10. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0 :(
    supposed to be day 8
    i was cancelling Skype accounts i used to cam with others and some guy i know for years messaged me
    i started talking about the NOFAP program and first it was supposed to come out to him about my addiction but conversation got twisted and i relapsed
    deleted the account now
    gotta be strong and know what we can do on each stage
    i was not ready to go there yet..i should have waited until i was stronger
     
  11. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    Learn from this relapse and get back up ASAP. Don't let this slip become binge. It's all about trying again and again. Good luck!
     
  12. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 2, feeling confident.
    I woke up with a morning wood and I guess that's a good sign.
    not fapping makes us observe better our bodies instead of just reacting to it.
     
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  13. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 0 - relapsed again.
    I was looking for answers to a medical question and stumbled upon a medical related forum with men erection issues. from there to sexting to a guy was a small jump.
    Then the morning after I PMO.
    I want to understand why I have this fixation with straight guys and transforming non sexual situations into a sexual one. I need that to avoid future relapses. I'm starting to doubt my capacity to overcome this addiction
     
  14. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    Be aware of your mind while using comp. Don't go to sites that are potential triggers.
     
  15. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    Bro, never doubt ur capacity to overcome ur addiction... Make it a lifestyle... U have to teach ur brain to avoid relating some things to dopamine. And that takes time
     
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  16. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    Day 2
    busy busy busy
    that helps a lot!!!!
    learning to live with my flaws without relapsing. gotta train the brain like a puppy
     
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  17. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed on day 4
    being hangovered and the fact that it was Sunday ( a day where I usually stay home to rest) did not help.
    Back to 1 - will be better this time
     
  18. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    Bro... what's important is that every time u fall u have the bravery to stand up again
     
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  19. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    we are on this together mate! we can do it..thanks for the cheer
     
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  20. aka711

    aka711 Fapstronaut

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    day 3 - yesterday was a great day.
    I took advantage that it was a Monday so I made a list of tasks that I needed done, work stuff, things that's been sitting on for a long time ( change a lamp, clean drawers, donate old stuff..etc) I also got back to my gym goals ( last week I ran only 3 times and my goal is 5 times a week)
    I believe that to stop procrasting is a huge help. I read many people saying that it was a noFap result but I also believe it's a circle, you start doing things and don't have time nor the "down" energy to fap anymore.
    stay busy,complete tasks, talk to fellows to make the objective clear and strong. that's what I will do
     

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