30 days no PMO or fantasy

I barely consider this a success compared to the mighty achievements of those who have stayed quit for months or years, but I am proud to have passed the milestone that allows me to post my modest 'success story'.

There is a kind of positive energy on these forums which, even more than the excellent, compassionate advice and shared experiences, has made it very easy for me to change from 30 years on and off of compulsive porn use several times a week - to the point where I had more or less given up trying to stop it - to being free from porn, masturbation and sexual fantasy for 30 days.

I must qualify my statement about sexual fantasy. I cannot see how it is possible to prevent unconscious thoughts arising short of becoming a saint or a Buddha. When I say abstinence from sexual fantasy, I mean that as soon as I become aware of those thoughts, I move my attention away from them, back to my physical senses, rather than indulging in them.

With that qualification, I am convinced that abstinence from sexual fantasy is a vital key to really being free from porn and the desire for porn. Sexual fantasy maintains the energy of unfulfilled desire that drives the porn-seeking engine. When I indulged in sexual fantasy, I was in effect saying to myself simultaneously 'I want it but I don't have it' and 'I have it in the form of an illusion'. As a Buddhist practitioner, renouncing the inner voice that says 'I want this' or 'I don't want that' is a keystone of my practice.

Freeing myself from the profoundly destructive actions of watching porn and masturbating has led me to a deeper level of practice. I am now facing up to the long-running psychological problems of my whole life. I have faced the hell within myself and returned to the world stronger. At times I feel suffused with energy. I can see the beauty of the world around me.

I know that many people here have much deeper addictions and have had much more traumatic experiences than me. However, I have observed that those who make the effort to renounce their selfish attachments (whether within the framework of a particular religious tradition or not) are more successful than those who try to deal with only the problem of porn and don't begin to transform their entire psychology. It's hard to understand this until you take the first steps on the path, but it quickly becomes absolutely clear, real and indubitable.

 

Thanks, that's very encouraging. Your paraphrase reminds me of the Diamond Sutra. Those moments of coming back to myself make it worthwhile. A small step on the path can still be a big change for an ordinary person.

 

I agree. I can't see how it's possible to stop them arising. But there's a point where we either choose to continue wallowing in the fantasy or choose to leave it.

 

It's connected to my Buddhist practice of mindfulness. The ultimate aim is to be aware of all the physical senses all the time, so as not to be distracted by any kind of thoughts. Of course I'm nowhere near that level! Sexual thoughts are just a particularly powerful example of distracting thoughts. I don't know if it's possible to stop them arising completely, but it is definitely possible for me to get away from them when I notice that they have arisen.

So, when I notice that I have lapsed into a sexual thought, I come back to observe my body and the world around me using all my senses, and concentrate on whatever action I am doing. It helps to realise that the desire is an illusion, simply an attachment to a mental image of a desired object, not something real.

I hope that's helpful. Please let me know how it goes.

 

I know how that feels. My thoughts are sometimes like an ocean storm that crashes over me. You can't control the thoughts, nobody can, but you can move the focus of your attention to your body and your physical senses so you come back to yourself in the present moment. It may only be for a moment at first but it will gradually get better. An easy opportunity to try it is when you're walking from one place to another. Notice what you can see around you, listen to the sounds around you, feel your feet on the ground.

 

Exactly. I think that's why so many people end up relapsing over and over again. They're dealing with the result, not the cause.

 

My Buddhist Master taught me how to do that. He's the first one who really explained it clearly.

 

You can't stop the thoughts. You have to learnt to ignore them and they will fade awawy. Have you tried observing with your senses? For example, when you're walking? Pay attention to what you can see, hear, smell and feel in the world around you. That will bring your attention away from the cycle of thoughts. If the thoughts come back, just bring yourself back to your senses again. Please try it and let me know what happens.