30 days PM - Chronicle

Challenge accepted.

I think today is my lowest point in life. There is no way to go down further. Only way is to go up.

I am taking 30 day PM challenge as I am convinced I am porn addicted and it is affecting my relationship with my wife.

- I broke her trust again, got drunk and met with an escort
- I can not control my emotions. I get so charged up in argument with her (the way I treated her in parking lot, I shout)
- I spent so much time in watching porn that I dont have any other hobby
- I dont like to meet any new people
- I dont play any thing
- I just have three time pass - Internet surfing (the good type), porn and alcohol.

I will start exercise as habit for next 30 days and will log my physical activity.

I will also fight my alcohol addiction in these 30 days. I know I can hold alcohol for 7 days, so more on that later. The first devil is porn. Bring it on.

 

Thank you Brandon for writing down your thoughts. It meant a lot. I feel a lot of positive vibes while reading your reply. I started drinking on 13th Feb 2013 (some three years ago) and binge drinking some lime later that year. I think, stopping binge drinking should not be an issue. I will keep updates posted here though.

 

• The day went well, as first day generally goes.
• Went office on bike, before time, - 6 miles, went for 2.5 mile walk in afternoon.
• Accepted my mistake to wife. Could see her pain.
• Ignored any sexually provocative web page/ looks at women
• Started watched a very serious alcohol addiction documentary- it was so intense that could not watch after 5 mins. I thank God that I realized this problem of mine and currently in situation that I am confident I can overcome alcohol binge drinking addiction.
• Thanks again to Brandon for sharing his thoughts which helped me to think in the direction that alcohol addiction is one of the more sever problems and I am ignoring the negative impact of that addiction in my (and my wife's) life

 

• The day went went, could focus better in office - studied some thing and finished some pending task - felt good of my work
• Went office on bike, on time - 6 miles.
• A few women's curves and some news articles tried to gain my attention - I could successfully guard what was going in my brain. I need to continue doing so, that is the starting point. Stopping at first thought.
  
• Missed my wife a number of times. Cried 3 times (once in office- alone), once after coming from office shouting "I am home baby" and touching her clothes.
• Talked to my wife, I think I was able to put some point across and she was softer today. Thanks to God she is doing better.
• Talked to the friend where my wife is staying and got the below perspective

1. 1. Some people can not just accept when being shouted at. They can not see merit in argument and who is responsible or what is being said. They can not just accept. Friend told how she could not take her brother shouting at hospital staff where her father died.
   2. I have no idea about the effect of alcohol related abuse, so may be the way my wife was reacting in last 8 months was reaction to my under influence of alcohol effect. I am hopeful that she would not pick up fights later if I stop alcohol fully.
   3. When she called, she invited me to her house in very cheerful tone and said positive and concern things but towards the end she asked if I will be able to behave well when I am there - I felt very bad. She thinks I am so week- but may be my acts made her think that way and I should focus on my acts. so I dropped the idea of going where my wife and this friend is.

• I need to realize the unlimited sulking/ picking up fights on small things my wife is may be because I shouted and did alcohol abuse.
• Thanks for phil87 for liking my post, it bosted my morale as the way this "like" was displayed after log in "Phil87 likes you". At this point of time in my life, I got real relief by reading some one likes me. Thanks to nofap for making it possible.
• Went for swimming today for 20 mins - Yey!!

So Day 2 is coming to an end. Feeling good.

 

Good work Vivaswaan !
Keep going. Would like to read about your every day success.
Thanks a lot for sharing your story with such honesty.

 

• Day went well, went to office on time, cooked lunch for myself.
• Biked to office - 6 miles started feeling muscles getting
• Meeting friends for dinner so feeling safe for tonight
• Last night another disturbing (not intentional) part of my life surfaced- my mother. To begin this - I love her a lot. I have seen her struggles in her life- how she got abused (domestic violence, getting shouted at, my father cheated on her and troubled for money all life long). I have given my mother listening years since I was 12. My dad used to trouble me as well so my mother and I used to share our pain together. this bond grew stronger over the time and by the time I was 17 I came to know all the negatives my father had. I abhorred all that. I always seen him as an aggressor ill-treating my mother, but now, when I am alone I look back my actions - I pretty much did the same stuff to my wife! I cant explain how all this happen. More on this may be later.

Any how, my father again ill treated my mom and hit her (they are 56 years of age and living together) some time back. My mother did not want to tell me this fact but she was so disturbed that when she called and I told her just some thing she got all charged up and started sharing her fears of future and memories from past where I did not stand up to her expectation and how has she suffered through me. She also brought discussion about my wife and a lot of misunderstanding about her. It was a 3 hour call which emotionally exhausted me.

I want to support my mom emotionally, I can not abandon her, but I need to find a way to manage this emotional stress.​

• Woke up today missing wife again, cried and called her - she is still not able to see my perspective that these acts of my shame dont define me, I now know the root cause of the problem - my alcohol binge and porn, I will work. I have broken her trust twice, so I understand she will take time. I love her a lot.
• I am optimistic because for once I am clear on what I need to do - just stop alcohol and ignore the first sex related thought that comes to my mind.
• One sex related thought and urge to watch underwear curves of a couple of ladies came to my mind today but I could successfully avoid them.
• While using earbuds saw blood in them - got scared of what it is. May be I used the earbuds way too hardly yesterday after swimming. With this wound will have to say no to swimming for atleast 3 days
• I also noticed because of porn and my long associated habit, even a simple picture of lady trigger my mind to imagine her naked. I am telling my brain - it is not truth, you are hallucinating. The brain is listening for now

 

• Thanks master bates 43 for your message. I never knew knowing the fact that some one else is also going through the pain you are going and understand you can give so much peace.

 

• Thanks Winston, I will be honest and God willing will be successful.

 

Yes !
Sorry, i call you with the wrong pseudo.

 

Good things - went to office on bike and went for a walk. Watched a movie and planned a hike on Saturday morning.

However, things are starting to get complicated.Called wife and she is saying she doesnt want to be back. I cried 4 times today missing her. Her another friend called and suggested me to give my wife some time and not call her.

Missing the good old days.

Felt very lonely today. Hugged the teddy bear that I gifted to my wife some 7 year back tight and thought wish I could have changed the course of life. May be my optimism and high spirits during last three days was based on belief that my wife will be back soon. But looks like it is not happening as soon as I expected.

Even after all this - the sex cue doesnt stop to pinch me. What have I done to my brain? The thoughts started coming at regular interval today. Logged in to the forum to get some inspiration and it worked. It is a good support system.

It is a long battle indeed.

 

Keep going bro. I pray for you.
But you need to stick on this good path you've chosen.
You're not alone.
Peace be on you, man.

 

Today was a roller costar ride for emotions. Woke up at 7 with positive energy, cooked lunch went office on bike - even though it was raining. Worked well. Had mail conversations with wife to clear few issues.

Came back home and the thoughts of escorts started flooding my mind. The mind started arguing why should I not go? My wife has any way left me, she does not believe me. It has been more than 7 days she has been accusing/abusing me for one thing or another and killing all my positive energy. There is nothing to salvage, why am I trying? My mind asked me to just have a look at the listings.

After having a look at the listing I argued with my brain, if what all you are arguing is true, why I feel burdened after I do it? Why do I feel my soul has been loaded. I went for a walk and thankfully divert my brain.

Watched a movie and cried a lot while watching. My wife called about some work and asked me where is alcohol on Friday? I said there is none, she asked me how can I prove, so showed her around on skype, but there was no iota of positivity/appreciation from her. May be I have troubled her so much that this hard work means nothing to her.

While watching the movie, the thought of suicide also came in my thought, why dont stop all this at one go? Any way I will have to die some day, may be that death will be more miserable, why not control my death. Some how I averted that thought.

I cried three times today. It is indeed a difficult time.

I just wanted to share the incident how I started drinking alcohol. I remember vividly I was crying for a long time about the arguments with my wife (please note no escorts by that time) on 21st February 2013. I thought of committing suicide. Then I was talking to myself and thought even other go through all these problems - how do they survive? what is it they are doing and I am not doing - my brain said alcohol! and there was plenty of it!

However as I mentioned earlier alcohol just aggravated problems and created new. So even after solving this PM and alcohol problem there are more problems remaining to be solved. Then there are behavioral problems of my wife - she has been diagnosed depressed for last 5 years. She chooses not to forget the past and not believes in giving a fair second chance. To top it all I have problems from my father and mother. Pretty screwed huh? How have been I keeping a brave face all these while?

So today I can call my first successful day of averting sexual drive and controlling myself in hardest circumstance - loneliness, hopeless situation, weekend and broke.

I have hope. I will over come all these problems. Watch out.

 

Have you ever think to meet a shrink ? It might help a bit.
Regarding your alcohol problems, please go to rehab or at least find a AA group nearby.
Even you're not alone with the NoFap community, i strongly suggest you not to be alone, in real life.
Stay strong man.

 

Hi Winston,
Thanks for your reply/concern and kind words. I will see a shrink if I am not able to manage myself.
I dont think alcohol problem is severe, I have not got an urge in last full week. My alcohol problem is binge drinking - i.e. when I start, I drink to the extend that I loose control of myself and I end up taking decisions that I will never take when I am consciousness.
Thanks for your support, I am doing good

 

So the day went really good. I talked to my brother (he has no idea what I am going through). Although considering my wife suggestion of talking about my problems, I initiated discussion regarding our parents problem. It was a nice 1 hour talk full of fun and laughs.

Then I went for 4 hour hike with a dear friend of mine. It was a good hike - great weather, great company. Talked with him all through.

Came back, took bath and went for dinner again with him. had a great tummy full meal. Nothing feels like a well deserved meal. I cried just once early morning today. So the day has been really great. Tomorrow I will complete one week. So far so good