30 DAYS WOOO

Yeah really good point . I think Russia or some place in it has actually banned pornography. That would be great. Maybe pornography will become the new tobacco someday. Where people can still do it, but everyone is aware of the damaging effects of it. Consumers of pornography should definitely be aware of what is going on before they access it. The more and more I think about its pretty fucked how there is no legislation or effort to control pornography at all by governments yet.

 

DAY 49​

DAY 1 OF WEEK 7
Man this addiction is so strange. I can't remember whether it was yesterday or the day before when I last posted, I guess I was in such a haze the past couple days it's almost like I was drunk.

Today I actually woke up feeling a little bit better. I got up early, went to work and although I had little sleep and still am running on little sleep (we're talking 4 hours here) I actually don't feel that bad. Don't feel tired. Feel quite present.

At the moment. At a macdonalds in the middle of nowhere, coming back home from a really great sex addicts meeting where I felt very connected. Very close to my 60 day milestone and I'm just taking this addiction one day at a time.

To give a kind of reflection on how I am feeling right now (despite my growing anxiety that someone I know might read this ? ) is very good? I am definitely way more emotional and attending meetings is actually teaching me about emotions.

Learning so much about what emotions are. I didn't even know they existed. Had fun at work, feeling much more emotional around people. There was definitely anxiety at work, particularly with facial tension around my nose and face. But underlying it is a healthy confidence, self esteem and emotional groundedness that I am developing through recovery, understanding my emotions, figuring out who the fuck I even am without porn and a subtle more appreciation for life.

At the moment feeling very connected. Definitely feel like I have a lot to give. Have been showing nofap to people and watching their lives unfold for the better is great. Helping others with my addiction is therapeutic too.

All in all, making friends a lot better. Going to start doing some 'pick up' to get out of my comfort zone. But really I don't give a fuck about picking up/having sex. In fact I don't know if sex is the right time now in my recovery. It could be quite triggering.

I just want to go out and make some friends and have a connection. I have a lot of love to give and would love to see that develop. Anyway. Feeling pretty good. Not ecstatic. But great, emotional and feel myself growing, understanding my true self and yeah. Keep it up guys.

Can't wait for my 60 day report, it's going to be an interesting one to reflect back.

 

DAY 51​

DAY 3 OF WEEK 7
The last two days have been great. Yesterday I honestly came out to my friend about being nervous for the last two years (after I left some negative friends who were into 'pick up') about going out and approaching chicks. I was scared that the people I would interact with on the forums might be super weird etc.

Anyway, because I was honest and was honest that I need help, I am scared and really want to grow despite feeling a lot resistance. He completely was acceptive. Invited me out and got me into approaching chicks. Had a good time, feel like the nofap thing definitely gave me an advantage in going up to girls on the street even after a two year layoff; haven't kissed a girl or anything, I actually started to get into the swing of things - after getting out of my comfort zone with some cringe AF shit, which I find just laughed off.

Working on being more direct at the moment, saying more statements to girls and just approaching girls. Trying to be as consistent as possible.

Work has been great, been talking to people very fluently. Still felt bit of anxiety but going up to strangers kills ALOT of anxiety. Getting used to rejection is an essential skill for life. Social approval really is probably biggest obstacle in accomplishing our goals.

Went to a sensory deprivation tank. Second time in two weeks. Been meditating every day after my first time (when I realised how much I was in my head thinking constantly). Really let go this time. Felt like sort out of body, which freaked me out. The rest of the tank experience it was a process of trying to let go. Felt abit of anxiety the entire way, but that's the point. You go in there more and more to learn how to let go more and more.

I have had a really traumatic experience with drugs where I developed a fear for weightlessness, falling and out of body experiences. So this is something personal to me that I want to conquer. I'll be back there next week to go at it again and go even deeper.

Felt pretty good after. Also, a combination of all the stuff I have been doing; gym, cold showers, weekly sensory deprivation tanks, now pick up, eating healthy, stepwork, meditation is going great. Super grateful for all things in my life and people putting out information out for the world to develop those habits. Truly grateful.

Two people have actually invited me to come out today from my support group which I will hang out with. Went up to a chick I thought was cute today at work, who actually moved from across the room to sit with me. Spoke to other girls; developed attraction in both. Just like creating attraction in girls and making them laugh to was fun.

Now I'm at a cafe. Getting back into my film production work. Also the float tank place is hiring and I'm getting the email of the guy at the place to send my resume in.

Have recruited maybe 5 fapstronauts haha and was talking to someone about it. I realise I am just never tired. Like back in the days I would finish work, be tired, go home, watch videos, blah. Now if theres time in the day left I will do something else that's productive. E.g the last two days I had maybe 6-8 hours between two days. Didn't feel exhausted at all. Just kept going. I only went to bed when I saw that I couldn't lift anything because I was sleepy af. Mentally though I was still alert. My statistics/KPIs at work have gone from 30% consistently the last 6 months to 80-100%.

Really going to push my self even though I am so scared, to go out and make pick up a consistent thing to get out of my comfort zone. Taking more risks and keen to get that new job in a place/environment I would like to work in.

Got a meditation retreat in a month. 10 day retreat just after when I reach 90 days. Can't wait.

 

Thanks man ! Ofcourse you can, just get a support group, connect with others, stay productive and you can do anything. Keep it up

 

DAY 52​

DAY 4 OF WEEK 7
Had a good day today too, was experiencing some social anxiety particularly I get anxious for some reason about the tension in my face. Worrying about constricts my facial expression and then I guess I worry about what face I'm making? Just dumb shit haha, but its a sticky thought that's all.

Had a great conversation at work. Pushed myself to talk to a girl at work and to be honest I have been making a lot of approaches, just getting out of my comfort zone more and more, talking to strangers and giving positivity to them. Went to the place where I do my sensory deprivation tank meditations; turns out they are hiring and so I'm trying to get a job there so I can be around that atmosphere - positive people, good environment, celebrities go there. Overall - it's a good place to work at. Way better and easier than what I am doing at the moment. Approaching chicks, developing skills has got me working to start taking action on my goals and passions. Looking at rich people today, going through their communities I just see a lot of people with a healthy self esteem and action takers. The masses truly are very apathetic; just little observations that keep me apart of usual ways of thinking I guess. But there are a lot of people taking action out there and chasing their dreams and you can too. Nofap and abstinence is a good way to start.

Been way more comfortable in social situations, making people laugh and actually laughing genuinely at peoples jokes which is something that progressively got worse and worse to the point where for maybe four years I never found anything funny - it was just surface level facial expressions and a sound to make a "good impression".

What else can I say... Yeah there was definitely points a long the way where I would get thoughts, anxiety. But my predominant state is much different to usual. Even noticed; people at work want to walk with me to get food, starting conversations with me or keep them going. Yeah I guess little shit like that. My productivity is on another level. Just thinking what I can do all the time. And being present to be fully engaged in it.

More creative, definitely, my jokes are quite funny. Hypotheticals are very creative haha just all round getting better at everything I'd say. Meditation is key though to lower stress levels, increase your prefrontal cortex. Just whenever you have the chance guys do what you need to do. Only suplicate to something if it's another thing you have to do. Anyway have a great day guys ! There's a lot to talk about that I can't convey. Nuanced. Just gotta experience it. Things will get better.

On that note withdrawals occur; fluctuating through out my day but I'm getting better at controlling my mood with practice. Keep it up and most of all; keep connected, stay consistent and be productive.

 

DAY 54​

DAY 6 OF WEEK 7
Feeling pretty calm, collected. Need to get out of my comfort zone. Day off work. Watched a great documentary about mastery, building your craft which gave me a very good perspective. Feel wholesome, little bit anxious to go out of my comfort zone.

The other day where I went out and approached was good, made me feel great for the next two days but I gotta get out there and get back into it if I want to make progress.

Much more emotional, yesterday after my meeting had a talk with my sponsor and man the emotions just pour out when I speak. Been just being aware of little emotional addictions, aspects of my self esteem and more. E.g being aware that I am in a heightened state when driving and can easily get annoyed by others or other small/big things.

Today marks my record. Finally after two years have gotten past 54 days and clearly it is because I completely changed my way of thinking/lifestyle etc.

The last time I got to this many days (which included masterbating and glimpses here and there) I ended up having sex with a girl. The level of emotional connection I had was on another level.

Anyway, going to go the gym. Then maybe do some approaches on the street to get out of my comfort zone. Then maybe go to a party. Let's see if I can muster the courage.

Will say too to end this note; socialising is becoming more easier. Almost like a craft/art I can master. A skill I can develop. Feel less and less anxious the more time I build up.

My thoughts have become more clearer and focused and I guess one thing I have noticed is that I have been focusing on the other areas of my life that I need to develop. E.g right now I am starting to think about my career, going out of my comfort zone, mastery of skills, building a business, staying consistent, health etc.

I'm gonna keep it there. Peace guys. Can't wait for 60 days Wooooo.

 

DAY 55​

DAY 7 OF WEEK 7

Yesterday felt so depressed after yesterdays post. Suicidal thoughts, frustration etc. Nearly acted out, was just like the week before maybe a bit better - in terms of it didn't go for as long. But now I feel very fucked, super desensitised and sensitive to fantasy/temptations. Brain has been just thinking about logistics.

Today I'm feeling so bad, but it's typical after playing with my thoughts and self the day before.

 

DAY 58​

DAY 2 OF WEEK 8

Hmm. Well the past week has been a nightmare. Really payed the price for that kind of near acting out experience. Not sure if it is related but I experienced a lot of withdrawals shortly after; intense depression, anxiety, irritability, negative thoughts/low self esteem, loneliness, guilt, shame etc.

Then today, and most recently I actually decided I am going to make a conscious decision to dedicate my self to this program I am working. I realised the third step: " We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Since then my focus has really been on working this program to best of my ability. Recovery is a process of learning how to understand myself and this recovery is what is holding my life together.

Since I have noticed I was constantly thinking about sex; talking about it to my friends, thinking about how I would do anything to fuck that girl across the street, quickly objectifying women etc. So I have begun making a conscious effort to stop myself from scanning for hot chicks to objectify/sexualise them. Which has been great to remind me that I am a sex addict and that I am in recovery through out my day.

Someone pointed out that I am a lot more calmer internally. When he said that I thought he was referring to the mask I sometimes put on that I'm all chill with everything but really panicking on the inside. But no. He was right. I have developed this inner calmness the underlies everything. It is still building and I am only 58 days in but it is enough to notice a difference.

I think I am developing actual self esteem. That being said, withdrawals are crazy like a MF. Girls are hitting on me as my security pervades my being. It's not an arrogant and hugely confident thing but merely the absence of the negative garbage. That would be a really good way to describe this inner calmness.

My goals are to prevent scanning and any ritualistic activity that would lead me to act out that I have been behaving in the past two weeks ( e.g trying to suck my own dick, playing with myself ). I did not do these extensively but they put me in a haze and craze that I don't want to go back to. You can't really prevent fantasy but what I can do is create the actions that do not give space for these cravings and create a more positive structure in my life. I don't feel my previous close calls are a set back. Considering all the things I have done and what I am feeling I am making a lot of ground and recovering well. I have gone through a lot. Many emotional rollercoasters. But still I am cautious. I take the appropriate actions to avoid my cravings, connect with a higher power and allow recovery.

At this point, my focus is on my scanning behaviours, reading literature, working the steps as much as I can. I will bring a report back when I can.

On another note, I had a great chat with people today much calmer around others you could say. Still some anxiety there but much less. Slowly anxiety decreases with recovery. Gradually the trajectory is calmness and peace I think. Spoke to someone with 300 days who says they fill blissful and people who have worked the steps prove to me that higher consciousness is possible and with recovery we can undo the destruction our addiction has caused.

Look forward to when I can say I have done 60 days to my support group. And to all those out there keep it up, get support, stay connected, you don't always have to do it on your own and keep up the great work!

 

DAY 63
DAY 1 OF WEEK 9
Far out well the past three weeks every Saturday has been a massive trigger for me. As I have already stated in previous logs the weekends, the days where I am most isolated have now become trigger checkpoints for fantasy, edging/playing with myself etc.

What is very interesting however is the brain changes that occur specifically on those days. Despite how ever many hours of sleep, how well rested I may be - my brain slumps its supply of dopamine to the point where I am just soooooo exhausted, demotivated and tired! Which is perfect for the addiction because a. it prevents me from connecting to others, going out etc. and b. forces me to isolate in my room which is where acting out begins coincidentally. I honestly believe this is my brain trying to trick me into going back to previous rewards.
In the meantime too I am going through these little psychosomatic illnesses. Colds/flus that are bullshit and feel like my body is tricking me to go back into homeostasis. Haven't been to gym for a week. These cravings have been really severe and I can go days in a trance, forget about why I am here and start to distance myself from my support groups.


I have been starting to feel like my support groups do not like me despite them asking me to call them. Feeling really disconnected at the moment. Luckily I am aware of all this and am taking responsibility for my addiction. Keeping connected, going to meetings, going to keep calling people despite whether they call me or not.

In reality there are a few things I am learning:

1. You cannot keep accepting and interpreting other peoples actions as proof of your own inadequacy.

Someone told me that the other day and I am still wrapping my head around that because until now that has been the sole motif of my life.

2. You cannot control others. Stop trying to control others and use them as ends to meet/fulfil your own needs.

I guess whether I realise it or not, this is subtle. You probably have to build up some days to begin to notice that your resistance in life is caused by your concern or belief in your ability to control people, places or things.

Anyway, haven't posted in a while because I felt like I had reached my goal w/ 60 days but in all honesty it's not about the days. It's about the progress. I'm going to keep posting here whether people read it or not.

But yeah on another note I am noticing aspects of my personality come out that is bringing nostalgia. My provocative and creative humour which people laugh at all time. I remember I was universally recognised as being hilarious and now I am getting back to that. My nature is carefree, making jokes. Not this seriously desensitised garbage that I have been living in because of the effects of my addiction. My self esteem baseline has increased. Being normal is much easier. Girls are easier to talk to and I can also see myself being aware of my social confusion. I can start to see in tiny fragments occasionally that there might be emotional aspects to creating a relationship.

All a learning progress. Right now I am working Mon - Fri but I have booked in a meditation retreat from Friday - Sunday to fill up my days and give my self a break from the cycle of fantasy etc. that usually arises on Saturday. Goals for these next month as I accomplish the third milestone on my journey is to have no slips, no playing with myself. Fantasy I cannot control but I am going to try to distance myself to whatever neural connections are activating at the moment.

 

Don't really have one besides calling others/making outreach calls, going to meetings. As long as you are connected, out an about, working on your goals you won't fantasise but it's when your in isolation that these thoughts come about. When your thoughts have no direction. Something to consider.

 

DAY 65
DAY 3 OF WEEK 9
Emotionally feel great. Feel like a kid again a little bit in certain ways. Able to empathise with others much better which adds a smoothness to my social interactions. Yesterday had a good laugh with my best friend and just things like our hanging out is so much more different.

My self esteem and ease around others, maybe try to control others slightly but I can see that fading away. Social anxiety has significantly reduced. Woke up like some days and i wake up to a new level of emotional being and sensitivity to life. It's like I'm waking up each day as a new person.

Been making calls, helping out other addicts and getting into my program a lot more. Tonight I'm going to watch the lunar eclipse. Feeling things which is great and this is only day 65. I remember being such a lover archetype when I was a kid and now it's coming back. Thinking back I can remember being 15 or 16 and seeing the effects of pornography noticeably - ruining my chances with a really cute girl. I didn't know at the time it was because of porn or why but reflecting back realise I was pretty fucked earlier on. Woke up today.. Happy. Feeling happy. Great experience. Peace guys. I'll leave it there.

 

DAY 66
DAY 4 OF WEEK 9
Woke up again feeling happy again. Emotionally coming out a lot these coming days and I've had some of the hardest before that so it's funny. Speaking to someone after what I experienced who helped and supported me big time he mention that it's pretty common to experience big cravings around this time which was quite interesting.

Walking around at work there's definitely such an ease and calmness to my emotional being. Every bit congruent and look at people with out trying to control their reaction which is great. Speaking to people much more fluently and getting along with them. Even helping some people at work I just felt so great doing it. And they really enjoyed it and would come back to me for help. People at work were going to me for the advice which I'm not sure what that completely means but it's cool.

Can start to see things emotionally that I couldn't before. Getting sort of nostalgic feelings which I've mentioned but also feel like I'm writing a new course for myself. This weekend I am going to a weekend meditation retreat to get away from the cravings and be mindful instead during the slumps.

My sister is going coincidentally and I have tried to get away with her because she has caused a lot of distress in my life so that sucks but I am going anyway to deal with these cravings. Definitely going to tough and I am not comfortable sharing anything around her. So don't know If I'll rage quit but I'm just going to try and go through it.

Girl at work too literally came up with a conversation at work just come to sit next to me and talk to me. And I noticed when she was talking to me she was like pretty fixed on me and like playing with her hair - I think she liked me. Sort of looked like she was entranced or taken away by my beauty??? Just saying what I saw-

Now I'm going to celebrate something with a mate and get back to doing my step work. Another thing which was awesome was I saw ahaha a milf really attracted to me too. Just a lot of people looking at me really liking me. People joining in on my conversations and I'm not egotistical or anything actually like everyone am really calm and crack jokes etc. But it's so cool .

Was walking past and saw/felt this milf like look at me and we made eye contact for maybe a few seconds and she was talking to her daughter/friend and was like playing with her hair and her expressions changed. Can't really explain it but just keep on this journey.