30 soon and don't know what to do with my life?...

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by xSolidSnake86, May 2, 2016.

  1. xSolidSnake86

    xSolidSnake86 Fapstronaut

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    Like the title says. A brief background: From the UK. I'm a PMO addict since age 10 for 20 years now. Grew up in a toxic household. Got my heart broken 9 years ago, I still haven't fully recovered from that as my PMO addiction (average 2 sessions a day) never allowed me to get over anything or make something of myself. Discovered YBOP and NoFap 6 months ago, and have since only managed to get the longest streak of 14 days under my belt, with countless relapses in between streaks. I've been unemployed for 6 years, I have no job skills at all. I have alot of interests career-wise, but no idea how to go about any of them. I have no money, no drivers license or car, which makes it all the more difficult to get up go and do anything in this life. I'm still living at home. I need to make a career, and get out of this house some day. Basically I'm at total rockbottom.
     
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  2. Castiel89

    Castiel89 Fapstronaut

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    Hey keep your head up, I'm not in the exact same position but in someways a similar situation so I can relate to how you feel. I can't remember where I heard it but I was listening to a motivational speaker and he mentioned something about having no 'Zero Days'. The idea is simple and it is to do one thing, anything one thing per day that you would normally avoid doing or something you feel you should do to improve your situation but or not motivated to do. It can be anything from getting up in the mornings and taking a shower to going for a walk, reading one chapter in a book, doing one push up etc. The whole point it seems is to just do something but to keep it simple so that it doesnt take a whole lot of motivation to start with but its something that can develop gradually, I find that it helps to develop habits and to get you moving forward in life. I find that it helps when I'm stuck in a rut or feeling down. I'm sure I've butchered the idea in my explanation but I think a better explanation for it can be found on google.
    I hope you start seeing the improvements you want, good luck.
     
  3. Give volunteer work a try It will make you feel better. Also it will look great on your resume. With that employers would more likely to hire someone that has been long term unemployed and has at least done some volunteer work instead of not doing any voluntter work. Also consider doing a course.
     
  4. Frodos

    Frodos Fapstronaut

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    Get a job washing dishes (or something similar). This isn't a smart arse comment. This is truly what I believe can help.

    You've got a lot of thoughts on careers, but don't know where to start? Start at the bottom. For example say you want to be a chef. Go find a job washing dishes in a kitchen. Speak to the chefs, have a beer with them after work, find out how they got to where they got to. Get advice from them. Now this obviously doesn't have to be washing dishes to become a chef, it could be cleaning in an accounting firm, it could be working a stop go sign on a building site.

    Yup none of these jobs is well paying or glamorous, but if it exposes you to the people you aspire to be, it's a great place to start. And it gets you connections, social interaction, some money, and a reason to get up in the morning.

    I also believe working at a job that we believe society looks down upon, gives you an appreciation of those jobs, and the people who work them. So one day when you're a chef/accountant/site manager you'll help those who are starting out at the bottom of your chosen industry.
     
  5. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    Not gonna lie, being unemployed for 6 years will look horrible on your resume.

    There are definitely underlying psychological issues that have gotten you into this situation, more than just porn addiction (although that has surely made things worse, I don't think that's the main underlying issue). I'm not saying this to put you down. I have issues, most people do, 50 % of people will at some point in there life have symptoms that could make them diagnosed with a mental illness. (Source).

    I recommend the book Get out of your life and into your life. You will most likely be able to find it in a library. It's a self help workbook based on lots of research and studies, written by the original creator of Acceptance and commitment therapy. It's about learning to not let your mental health problems stop you from acting in a healthy, productive, fulfilling and resourceful way.

    I also recommend seeing a therapist. And/or a support group.

    Keep gradually improving, it will take time but it will be worth it. Keep track of it, do it systematically. That is more important than doing rapid changes.

    Find fun meetups on meetup.com, take courses in cooking/yoga/mindfulness/drawing whatever. Cut down on gaming, internet and TV. Gradually shut yourself off from the real world less. I find reading books resourceful though, it's a good way to relax and enjoy your free time. Reading books is beneficial for your well-being as well as improving empathy for other people.

    To be completely honest, I think there are career paths that will be shut because of your past 6 years of unemployment. So find paths where your past can actually be an advantage.

    Maybe you can go into counseling or something and help others, after having helped yourself first. Maybe you could start writing/blogging/vlogging. Maybe do some volunteer work.

    Maybe become a Buddhist monk for a few years, or longer than that. There are people who have left everything behind for decades to meditate and have then become meditation teachers. Some keep being monks for the rest of their lives. Before that, you start with this breath, and that breath.

    Whatever you do, please don't stay in your mom's basement playing video games. That will make you end up like Anders Behring Breivik.

    We need you in this world. We need that beautiful core within you to blossom.
     
  6. 500man

    500man Fapstronaut

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    The answer is .... do something (anything)!
    Just one thing at a time, and you'll be surprised how quickly your life changes. I agree with the poster who says get a job washing up - just get started on something, and keep busy.

    At 30 you still have most of your adult life ahead of you. By 35 you could be well qualified and earning decent money, I'm sure there will be job centre-type training schemes you can join to start getting skills. It doesn't have to be something you want to do forever, or even something remotely decent, the key is just to keep busy, once you get momentum going then you'll be fine and you'll go off in directions you can't even imagine at this time.

    If I were in your position, I'd be looking to become an apprentice - it might be low paid, but it'll keep you busy and give you skills, and in a couple of years you'll be in a far better position than now, and can then look to take the next step. The other thing I'd do, once you're working and have a little money, is get a driving licence, it opens up a lot more opportunities.

    And if you do nofap along with all this, you'll soon by flying...

    Good luck!
     
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  7. Nouvel Homme

    Nouvel Homme Fapstronaut

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    Maybe there are short-courses that could help you learn a skill relatively quickly. For example, yesterday I saw the local employment agency advertising six week courses to give people a foundation in IT repairs and the like. I thought it was a great idea because in reality, how much training do most semi-skilled jobs really require?!
     
  8. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    My earlier post might need some clarification.

    I'm, personally, in the early stages of a career path where having a good resume is very important. But that might not be true of all career paths.

    One thing you could do is start your own business, then you wouldn't need to impress an employer with your resume. Starting your own company doesn't mean you have to become Steve Jobs. It could be building websites for people, or something like that.

    And I'm sure there are loads of other good options for you that I haven't thought about.

    So the world is your oyster my friend. And do make that beautiful core within you blossom.
     
  9. xSolidSnake86

    xSolidSnake86 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the thoughts and efforts and advice from you guys, it means alot to me, it really does, I appreciate it. My main problem is that I have very low motivation for even the most basic of things going as far back as to my early teens. I'm a lazy person. However there was a period of 3 years in my late teens when I found some purpose and started studying in college, as I never went to school much at all growing up, so I thought I'd start fresh with college. I became more productive in those 3 years. Earning a foundation degree in business management (was a miracle because I'm dumb as fuck).

    But then that girl who broke my heart left me devastated, she gave me the world then took it away and smashed it, it broke me not only as a man but as a person. She was my everything. I took up hard drugs, alcohol and smoking. Dove head first deeper into pmo. Failed the final year at a bachelors degree in university, quit my job, cut all ties with anyone I remotely knew other than my immediate family. Basically I quit real life and just isolated myself into a void of darkness. Substances, junk food and entertainment + pmo became my life, edging for like an average of 4/5 hours a day over 2 or 3 daily sessions. Days became weeks, weeks became months, months turned into years before I knew it, I spent all I had on such things, and here I am.

    Doing basic work like dishwashing (I know it's just an example), would make me feel worse I think, I wouldn't last a month or 2 doing it, and I'd be back at square one, with probably less hope than before. But it's a starting place I know. That's what my last job was, in a warehouse manual labour for slave wage well below minimum while overworking like an army-ant working for greedy heartless employers. That's why I quit there to begin with. They were family friends, so I couldn't report them for slave labour and employing illegals, as well as mistreatment of staff.

    And indeed 6 years of inactivity on my resume has written me off from most potential work that interests me I would assume, it's crossed my mind many times. They'd rip up my cv instantly. I have interest in construction starting out as a labourer, but such jobs have minimal availability and are almost always temporary work. And construction apprenticeships want the max age of 24. Welding, plastering, bricklaying etc takes a few years of college to learn such skills. I'd like to be a car salesman, but they want a drivers license held for multiple years, and sales experience with proof of meeting targets. Becoming a self employed web designer sounds awesome, but I'd need a few more years of college/uni to learn, but I alreayd have £20k student loan debts and I can't afford anymore years on studying for years anymore. 5 years ago, I might have tried for such things.

    I need dental work, I'm really skinny-fat, and I also have a rather bad congenital penile curvature about 50degrees since birth, it's a rare condition known as 'chordee'. These really bother me deeply to a raw level, makes me wish I was never born. These 8 years have been extremely depressing. I've only just woke up from this coma, and now I realize the fallout that has happened. And I vent my shit here on nofap because I have no where to go, no one to talk to. I know that landing a reasonable job with reasonable pay for at least a year or so would help greatly in setting myself up for better things. I can afford to take driving lessons, start the gym, make payments for dental work, train for a forklift license (a skill I need for future warehouse work), a cscs card and a health&safety course in college to aid in getting a construction labourer job. My second year of work will go towards investing in a reasonable car + insurance.

    My brother died at age 12 when I was age 2, my father died when I was 11. Since age 5 I've been negleted and left alone with minimal attention, while my sisters got all of my mothers love and attention, even till this day it's the same, my sisters and brother-in-laws get all my mams love and attention, while I'd be lucky to get a "hey how's it going" from her. When she's with me, she just talks about them or her own family who live abroad, and never asks about my existence. The most attention I get from her is like "you hungry, want something to eat"? It hurts because I have a heart that yearns to give and receive unconditional love especiially to/from a significant other. And I just wanted my mams attention and guidence, but such talks with her fall seemingly of deaf ears, she doesn't "see" what I point out to her, says it's all in my head and that she does love me more than anyone.

    I know that I'm the one soley to blame for my downfall, but I wonder if i hadn't fallen into pmo so young, would I still be in this rut? I doubt I would be this deep in one. Pmo I know definitely induced severe depression in me. I haven't seeked professional help, because I know they'd pump me full of dumbing drugs 24/7, as they have with my sister. She had a little depression on and off 20 years ago when my dad died, and since she's been swimming in a pool of 20 different drugs they have her on everyday. She was going places before seeking professional help 20 years ago, now she's a mental vegetable.

    Sometimes I feel like a man-baby. I'm not intelligent much. I don't know how to man up and be a man. However I know that good work, a car, gym, and learning my religion would be curing for me, not magic doctor pills! I'm just so lost man, I hate my life. Wish porn never existed, and that I never met that girl. I could've been an alpha king right now. I wasn't an emotional child in my teens despite being mostly lazy except for when it came to lifting weights, I was more man then than now, I was ambitious, hungry, wanted to benchpress the world and bone every female in sight. Now for the past 8+ years I barely have motivation to shave, shower, or even get out of bed and go to the bathroom. Wish my father was alive, I've needed him all these years.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2016
  10. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    That's awful what they have done to your sister! Depression when your dad dies isn't really depression, it's sadness. And that's how you're supposed to feel when your dad dies, especially if it's at a relatively young age and comes unexpectedly. Only a psychopath wouldn't be devastated by that.

    To prescribe harmful and addictive drugs to someone feeling sad, because she's just lost her father, shows a horrible lack of judgement. You need to learn to have and handle difficult emotions, because if you only try to numb them down with drugs, your body will get eventually get used to the drugs and the emotions will grow stronger. Then you'll need a stronger dosage or stronger drugs to keep numbing the emotions down.

    Drugs might be necessary in some severe cases of mental illness. But that should never be the only method. There will come a point where the drugs you're on won't be enough if you want to keep numbing down the difficult emotions instead of learning to have and handle them.

    Here is Professor Steven C. Hayes, the original creator of Acceptance and commitment therapy and the author of the self help workbook I recommended in my first post, talking about how drugs are overrated and overused:

     
  11. Frodos

    Frodos Fapstronaut

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    Dude you don't know if you don't try. You're crying out for help, but what help the forum is offering you're making excuses to not try. You say that there's not many labouring jobs on construction sites or they're temporary. If you find a temporary one, go for it. Hey it may only be a week, or a days work, but it's a week or a days pay you didn't have before.

    I can only imagine dealing with the family situation you've got. But I also don't think things are going to get better for you with out some kind of professional help. Look around for someone you feel like you can trust. If they just want to put meds into you, look for someone else. Not all doctors want to go straight to the meds.

    And as for your motivation, start with what castiel89 mentioned. Start out small. Work your way into doing bigger projects. Apply for one job today.

    Good luck mate.
     
  12. Fighter1

    Fighter1 New Fapstronaut

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    Man that's awful to hear.
    It is important to know that you are not alone. Be social. Family can help. You have to find people to connect with. You need a group of friends.
    Don't stay alone. Look for friends. Many people are also feeling alone. Call people to hang out with them.
    It could be just anyone from your family. Or even some old people in the park.
     
  13. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Bruh you're almost 30 and your mom comes in to ask if you've had something to eat. Start changing your life, OK you've not had a good start with all those family deaths, but it shouldn't define who you are. Only you can do something about it.
     

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