30 weeks pregnant and discovered partners PA, devastated

Your going to be fine if you think like that at 18, well done.

 

Thank I appreciate your kind words

 

Hi Jennica thanks for all this really useful info I really appreciate it

 

Hi GhostWriter,

I’m actually touched that someone in the world would care enough to give me this much advice and guidance - thank you so much.

To answer some of your questions:

You said “…and I loved him…” as in past tense. As a point of clarity, you still do love him do you not? I just want to make sure I don’t misunderstand it.

- yes I do love him still

I was coming to the US from the UK where I live- he was asking call girls to attend that were based in other states - it didn’t make sense apart from maybe he was getting off on the thought of it as oppose to doing it this time.

I found emails with dirty photos attached and saw his dirty talk to them.

I have been somewhat tested due to pregnant but maybe need to get a more in depth test

my partner lied his ass off In the docs office he played along saying he doesn’t know what the issue could possibly be!

I accept I was acting desperate here.

there’s no reason he is not working he has had plenty of time to find something he is dragging his heels.

No reason

Not much actually- I thought that he loved me because he always holds my hand, showers me with kisses, is attentive and kind and after my previous violent relationship it meant a lot to me

great thank you!

I agree with this I am not saying anything to him unless he speaks to me and I have not mentioned recovery because I’m not going to take responsibility it needs to come
From him right?

yes I meant it to mean the same thing as boundaries

Thank you so much again I would very much like to
Understand more about setting boundaries perhaps I will PM for that x

 

Hi Ghost,

Your right I need to take it easy I’d be devastated if the baby came earlier due to stress and god forbid something happened to her. I going to stick to him leaving for now - as much as hurts nothing hurts more than living with this issue. if he ever shows remorse or truly wants to change maybe I can think about it after baby is here. Thanks for privately sending the boundaries stuff- I think if I was to use it like you or suggesting it has to be after I get baby to full term as if he failed it’s just going to finish me off and hurt the baby. Thanks again for being so upfront and insightful I don’t know how I would be dealing with all this without the frank advice.

 

Hi, don’t worry about it- it is a sad story though, I hope you can overcome your addictions.

 

**update**

I had to calm down- I had to put the health of baby first. @GhostWriter said some very powerful words to me about that and I really took it on board. He doesn’t want to go - I tried so hard to make him go. The only thing left to do would be to call the police and have him removed, I don’t have the energy or the desire to go through that and this heavily pregnant point. Yesterday I set my boundaries; he seemed like he was taking it all in and then boom i said he needs to remove his iMac from the house or give me the password. (He uses his phone for porn but I want to remove so he doesn’t transfer to iMac when we clean up phone) He got really angry and started shouting and then saying I’m the one who is shouting and by doing that I’m letting everyone know his issue ( meaning the neighbors through the walls) He said in that case he is going to tell everyone that I have had cosmetic surgery. He keeps bringing up my surgery, I think he feels like that is something he “has on” me. I don’t actually care if he tells people that and I don’t think it’s comparable to the shame and embarrassment he must be feeling but he just keeps throwing it in there. He eventually calmed down. He agreed to add an accountability app and to all the other boundaries and gave me a hug and said sorry for upsetting me and shouting. It’s almost like Jekyll and Hyde like 2 people inside fighting. He half accepts it and then starts gaslighting me terribly. Now that I have set the boundaries I should try to be relatively nice to him right? I invited him back into our bed to sleep after him being on the couch but I woke up feeling like is this even right should I leave him in the couch until I know he is trying? I am also a little concerned about what he should do to recover. He has in his mind he can keep busy and just not use porn but it’s me that’s done all the research and I am not so sure. What is the best method of stopping?

 

Hi Kenzi,

You can see from my update I have now set my boundaries - he agreed to accountability app and so on. Is there anything else you would suggest I request of him- he isn’t going to join here but does have physcosexual counselling that should start later in the month.

 

Thanks Kenzi appreciated will take a look at those 2 points/areas.

 

Hi Ghost,

Well you were right about the 0% chance.

I though we were doing well with no incidents of him searching for porn and becoming focused on job search. I still have access to his google activity. He did sign out but I had signed him back in. He is not technically savvy at all so didn’t notice. A few nights ago I saw at 5am he had put in a message into google translate. The original message was in Portuguese. I uploaded how it translated to this message post but the main jist was “ hi Jason, I’m so glad I could put a smile on your face. Your a serious man with a good heart and I hope to see u soon”. When questioned he told me he saw this person in the street asked if she had weed to buy and bought weed from her. He messaged her he liked the weed and that was her response. When asked to see the message he said he no longer had them. Then he started with telling me It’s nothing, he’s not a child, don’t question him, what’s my issue it wasn’t like the message was sexual. It seems he thinks he can gaslight me into thinking taking women’s numbers at 5am and exchanging this types of messages is normal. I’m not sure if he met this person in the street or she is a sex worker. I live in the uk and find it odd that her English would be so bad she needs to message him in Portuguese!! Anyhow I went to a friends I called the police and I had him removed from my home. He is in for the weekend as a non payment of fines warrants flagged up. He already told the police that “they don’t know our relationship, I will contact her and get her back” so going to have to be strong now. 34 weeks pregnant today, not long now xx