32 year old virgin needs help

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Spitfirewho, Feb 7, 2018.

  1. Keep it simple your just getting to know them, don't be an open book to her on the first date. its good that you can admit to being nervous every one is at some level when first meeting someone new . Keep the texting fun and not to serious try not to be texing all day every day with her leave her wanting more thinking about you, overall sounds like your on the right path. Women that like you go along with stuff, women that don't put up road blocks Have fun don't take anything to serious its way to early
     
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  2. TC10

    TC10 Fapstronaut

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    She’ll have the same. Just enjoy it and I’d love to hear how it goes :)
     
  3. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Hey thank you, great advice. Definitely not taking anything to serious, just trying to stop overthinking and have a little nofap approved fun lol. It helped she admitted first to being rusty and nervous, let me take a calming breath and get out of my head.
     
  4. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Thanks, i will most assuredly post here how it goes on saturday, good or bad.
     
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  5. Good , don't try to think to much YOUR DOING FINE ,HAVE FUN
     
  6. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    It is amazing the weird thoughts that have been trying to create doubt in my head lol. What if I don't listen enough? What if we are both too nervous and end up bored? What if I picked the wrong restaurant for a first meet (a real concern right now, I picked something not fancy, low key and cheaper but good)? It did also cross my mind that maybe I picked a loud restaurant. I tried to keep our first meet low key, because well internet. Was this a mistake?
    Anyway it does suck being 32 but having less dating experience than a teenager. Out of my head lol.
     
  7. that's just a false story you tell yourself just because a women has been hit on and been a lot on dates does not mean she is good at them stop talking yourself out of it YOU HAVE RIGHT TO GOT OUT AND DATE AND BE A MAN AND HAVE FUN
     
  8. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I only ever dated in earnest when I was 29, all of a year and a half ago. First kiss a bit thereafter. I'm still learning how to date and be a boyfriend, so I'm right there in the trenches with you.
    So don't go to bars. Best advice I ever got working as a tour guide: stick to what you know. Play within your comfort zones and slowly expand them. Clubbing/bar scene is going to be overwhelming if you've never gone before. It is much better to go with familiar terrain. I'm more the type of person to take someone to a butterfly garden or stargazing, anyhow (both A+ date ideas!).
    What is the major concern?
    Bravo! This is not easy! Have you been updating the wardrobe, too? I had some trouble dressing so I would be seen (like not wearing ginormous sweaters or pants). White oxford shirt+jeans makes for good date clothes. I suppose this depends on your climate, though.
    @Hitto is right, don't do Nofap to meet women, do nofap for you - to be a better you.
    What opportunities to help people are in your area? What classes or courses at the local rec centre might you be interested in?
    Hm. This makes a lot of things harder. Being alone sucks. What are the guys at work like? You can def. drop me a pm whenever if you want to talk about stuff.
    Yeah...hate the long game, but it's what we're playin.
    Dating with no foundation - I don,t know if this is totally true, you do have some knowledge, even if you have to think back a ways. What is the last time you interacted with someone of the opposite gender? How did that go? What, from what you've seen, does a healthy relationship look like?
    I'd argue you're misattributing actions. Women might react negatively to poor or awkward body language, lack of confidence, or myriad other things, but how would they know you're a virgin unless you tell them?
    And what's so bad about being a virgin?
    No, you can't. First, I'd advise finding someone who you would like to kiss and get to know them. Then when the time comes for kissing,
    Woohoo, nice!
    Remember to breathe. Be present.
    Check yourself and make sure you pay attention. If you find yourself talking too much, laugh a little, say, "Thank you for listening to me go on." and ask her a question about herself that starts with the word "what." (This will help you avoid questions with one-word answers).
    It happens. Having a date where you have a common task or destination, like going for a walk, helps you get through those awkward silences. Even if you crash and burn on this date, you've already won because you went on it and you're trying. This is how we build the background knowledge we need to be successful in relationships. No person has gone out and 100% nailed it from day 1, so expect failure and be willing to learn from it. Being able to laugh at it helps :)
    Why did you choose it? What is it about that restaurant that you like? Consider sharing this with her.
    How do you plan to get more experience than a teenager if you don't go try?
    As someone who also took a roundabout path before finally dating, I'll pass on a really good piece of advice someone gave me: dating is fun! So have fun with it! Getting to know another person, and in so doing discover more about ourselves, is truly enjoyable. There is no losing here, only learning!
    Go get 'em!
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2018
  9. Commuter

    Commuter Fapstronaut

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    There are some "basics" how to get girls in books. But from my experience you have to get out there and approach them. Be prepared to be rejected. Happened to me endless times. After the first rejections you will feel down, but keep approaching girls. After some rejections you will eventually get there because you do not bother much anymore. And if you don't bother much you will be unstoppable. Meanwhile you have modified your "game" and it gets easier and even fun to approach/date girls. Just don't feel discourage if it does not go well first.

    Good luck my friend! Keep us updated
     
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  10. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Wow my friend you ran the gamut with this thread lol. Thanks you for the time and effort you spent giving such great info.

    Yeah bars/clubs are unappealing. I don't drink ever (maybe that's my real problem haha) and have like one drink and I am shit-faced. Never really learned how to drink or have fun doing so. Sticking to what I know is tough, I don't know much. I build stuff, I fix stuff, I go home. I am trying to branch out more and figure out what stuff I like.

    I have been updating my clothes a lot. Nice shirt, nice jeans, nice coat. Tossed out all my old fat clothes and been trying to grow more confidant in my new gear.

    The people I work with are some of the worst people on the planet, douchebag construction workers everyone (no offense too anyone who works construction). I have done the job for 12 years and hate it very much but unfortunately I am very good at my job, even though I don't want to be. If I was found out to be a virgin with this crew I would most likely have to quit because the endless ripping would drive me to just kill myself honestly, and I can take a lot of shit but this would kill me. Any weakness among these type of people you are getting verbally raped for weeks. Which sucks because most have hit girlfriends or wife's and great families, but at work everyone is "on" and any weakness is a death sentenced.

    I have very little interaction with women and cannot remember the last time I have a simple casual conversation with a woman, maybe ten/fifteen years. I don't work with any and while I have a lot of female tenants that I maintenance buildings for it is a 99% Spanish speaking complex and I don't speak Spanish unfortunately. Being fat for so long I had some bad experiences with chicks in junior high and high school, fake numbers, notes asking if my dick was covered by fat, even one time a group of "Debs" thought it would be funny to flip my shirt over my head and grab my man boobs in front of the lunch room. So after this I tried harder to avoid that meet women. I know women are not like this in the real world (mostly) but such trama is tough to to undue.

    Anyway I am trying too get better. I am a person who gets frustrated easy and being alone/depressed/fat for so long left a lot of scars (some of which I am terrified for a woman to see).
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2018
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  11. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Had my date tonight and while I am still a virgin I am no longer a date or kissing virgin lol. First I want to thank everyone who gave me advice on this thread, you don't know me, I don't know you but it means a lot how some of you pushed me. I think the nofap community is great and the people here are some of the best people I have ever gotten the chance to learn about. And I mean this a lot, I have not had a good go with people in my life, so even when people want to help I don't always trust them. Thank you so much.
    Anyway the date went great, some awkward spots but I did not let them get get me down and pushed on. We kissed, some tongue and all, three times. It was the first time I ever kissed anyone and was forced to learn on the fly, but I simply followed her lead and by the third kiss I think I was better lol. She was very cute, we talked a lot and I listened as much as I could, which I like to do anyway so it was a good thing. We both kind of admitted we were nervous, she told me she was happy I messaged her and we even joked about looking up each others dating profiles in our cars before the date to see what we looked like again, which was funny.
    It was a good day lol.
    I talked more about the date on my latest journal entry, please read.
    All in all it went great, better than I had planned and aside from a little wood after kissing I am more proud of myself than I think I had ever been in my life. All smiles tonight, damn right.
    Thank you again.
     
  12. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

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    Yeah don't be like them if they suck like that. It is possible to do the work you do and not be a total dink, even if you haven't seen an example of that yet.
    This story is seriously not cool. That is pretty significant bullying. I am so sorry they did that, and I really appreciate you sharing that with us.
    This, I think, is a major fear most people have, and us on here especially. I can tell you, from experience, how amazing it is to be accepted by a woman when she sees those weaknesses.
    Wahoo!!!!! Nicely done!
    K, first time I kissed my girlfriend (my first kiss ever), the thought that went through my head was not "yay I'm kissing" or "wow this is great," it was "why do people do this? This is weird." Second thought: "Why am I still doing this?" :D
    It's a lot of fun. Laugh about it if you mess up or click teeth or whatever - laugh and keep practicing.
    I am really glad for you, man! It sounds great.

    So practical advice going forward:
    If you get hard while kissing you have two options: do nothing or try to get rid of it. An erect penis is nothing to be ashamed of, least of all in an intimate situation. Plus some women like to feel it. Don't thrust it at them or have blinky lights pointing at it, but not hiding it is an ok thing to do. If you want to bring it down, flex the large muscles in your body - hamstrings, quads, glutes, abs - it'll redirect bloodflow.

    If you still looking for a place to get involved, what would you think of Habitat for Humanity or a local aid organisation? A guy who knows construction is like gold to them. That is, if your time is not all taken up by your lady friend ;)

    And speaking of, what are you doing for your next date?
     
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  13. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Hey my friend, thanks for the support.

    My work is tough and I have to kind of put on a douche show from time to time but as I grow more confidant I feel less obligated to do so. We work together but I am growing tired of the show everyone puts on, even started calling people on their shit and getting better results than I expected. I think losing weight, making me the thin guy on the crew now has been kind of shaming for the others I work with and maybe even an alpha move lol.

    That video you posted before aboiut kissing was very helpful by the way, thank you. Looking back it was funny, I kind of had a thought she wanted to kiss but some doubt in my head was like "why would she want to." A doubt I told to "fuck off" lol. Then as we went outside, heading back to my truck she almost had a giant flashing neon sign that read "kiss me fool" and I just went for it as she leaned in. The biggest thing that went through my head was simply, "follow her lead, she opens her mouth then open yours. Dont let it last too long. Leave with a small follow up peck." Lol. Then after I simply saw her smiling and it all seemed to work well as we kissed again a moment later. She was admittedly rusty as well so I think we where both finding a groove.

    Yeah the boner while kissing was unexpected, "oh damn!" It kind of freaked me out at first because I have been flatlining for a while and did not expect a kiss to generate such a response. I maneuvered well to make it unnoticeable but I like your advice. At least I know it works well when with a lady lol.

    I have looked up Habitat for Humanity recently and found it interesting, so it is something I am considering. I have also considered Children's Hospital stuff as well, I made some crafts for a fundraiser last year that made some good money and enjoyed it a lot. With or without a lady friend now this is something I still want to pursue.

    As for a second date? She mentioned several times on the date how she liked learning so I am considering a museum date then walking to dinner. There is a fantastic museum near me that will leave us lots of time to talk and learn. So I am hoping this is good. She also tossed out an idea for in two weeks a friend of her's is having a small music show at a local bar so there is date 3 maybe.
     
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  14. TC10

    TC10 Fapstronaut

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    Nice. Lovely to read. It makes me genuinely happy :) Congrats on your first kiss! And good luck with the next date.
     
  15. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Hey guys just wondering and needing some advice again. Second date this weekend, longer, earlier date than before so we can talk more. We texted all week, flirted some and she even called me, it was all a lot of fun. So the advice I was wondering about is kissing on the second date. We kissed three times at the end of the first date and Ii want to kiss her again on the second but I don't want to push anything thing. Do I go for a kiss at the start of the date? Or do I let it build again? Not sure if going just for a hug would be insulting or if I should go for a small kiss to lightly continue the intimacy of the first date. Or just wing it lol? Then I have to wonder if sex is on the table (not expecting but planning just in case) do I tell her I am a virgin or again just wing it? Thanks for any advice.
     
  16. look man you are doing great , the only thing that can fuck it up is probably you worrying too much about fucking it up. should i do this should i do that... who knows, man you are doing great!!!let it come and see what life brings.If u wanne kiss her, kiss her . Dont worry about her reaction. if u wanne give a hug, give her a hug, dont worry about her reaction. If u make a big deal about it she probably will too , if you dont she probably wont. the virgin issue , oh well it is a sour apple to bite but you ll have too. so it will work fine in the end. if you worry a lot about it in front of her , she probably will be turned off, if u dont make a big deal about it, she probably wont mind and feel special. she will go along with your emotions, if you just go for it it will be ok if not you will find a next girl as long if u take action. good luck
     
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  17. ZaBici

    ZaBici New Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, wanted to give you my opinion as well since I'm struggling with decision making as well, not dating related but trust me the "domain" doesn't matter. The underlining effect you should understand is that the more your run from it, the bigger it gets and you must run even harder. The easiest way is to get release, put yourself out there, accept that you're a virgin.. say it! This won't get you pussy / dates, or at least it's not the goal of it, it's just you coming to terms with reality. What happens after this, you'll see, I promise you'll laugh about it, there's many more like you, there's no shame in it, there's no shame in anything so long as you're doing your best. Learn to depend on you not the ones surrounding you. Confidence comes from inside.

    Your co-workers; If you leave the place without having said you're a virgin, this will develop or accentuate your trauma. Fuck them, trust me, they don't care, it's not about you being a virgin, it's about them running from their own issues, it could have been ANYTHING else. They take it out on others so they don't have to focus on them and they keep running, it's a vicious cycle. Every single one of them could be your friend, believe that, they are just as afraid as you if not more. They "pray" on weakness; Your weakness comes from not accepting the reality. You can be.... whoever you want to be, you're not defined by being a virgin.
    Also, i skimmed your date, but one thing popped to me, I know it's easy to sit back and let her lead and the simple fact that it's novelty for you, gives you satisfaction; But for a true experience you need to leave the sidelines, and take control of your life. This comes, without question, with a reason to live. Find that first.
     
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  18. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Hey my friend thanks a lot. Yeah I know I am still over thinking things, I almost screwed up the first date by over thinking it and only by shutting off my brain did things go well. I also don't want to be a douchebag about anything, maintain the same gentleman stance I always have and show due respect. My grandfather would kick my ass from the grave if I ever disrespected a woman lol.

    It seems the nofap community is the only place I can turn to for advice these days, not that I mind, finding nofap is one of the best things I have ever done and I am forever grateful for the advice. I stated in my journal yesterday that only 53 days into 2018 and it is already the best year of my life. Looking forward to the rest of the year.
     
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  19. Spitfirewho

    Spitfirewho Fapstronaut

    Hey thank you my friend your advice means a lot. Confidence has always been a struggle but I do find myself holding my head higher and standing up for myself more everyday, for the first time in my life.

    My coworkers are a different monster lol. We are all just there for a paycheck, most of us have lives we don't talk about at work and keep things separate. There are a few good ones but most are just terrible people, racist, sexist and a lot more. There is a reason most of these people get tossed into construction, there is a reason I got tossed into construction, most of us for different reasons cannot function with normal people.

    Your novelty comment kind of made me sit back and think. It was only when I finally got off the sidelines and made a move that the date progressed. I feel bad because she thought I was going to bail on her during the date and never talk to her after. Our second date I am going to try harder to get out and be more outgoing, not a douchebag, but not let it be a novelty. Truth is most of the date I was simply drawing a blank, I wanted to extend the date, just did not know how luckily she did and saved the date. No more sidelines or novelty.
     
  20. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    Just calm down and let it happen.
     
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