32 years old, depressed, and hopelessly addicted to porn.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by bitstreak6809, Nov 22, 2020.

  1. bitstreak6809

    bitstreak6809 Fapstronaut

    A few days ago I had a really embarrassing sexual experience with a girl I like at work. Her and I had been talking the past couple weeks and grew to really like each other. We found we both had a lot in common so I started having her over at my place so we could spend time together. The first time we hung out, things escalated pretty quick and we almost had sex, but before we could get naked she stopped me and said she wasn't ready yet and things were moving too fast.

    A little secret... I was SO RELIEVED she stopped me. I wanted to have sex with her so bad, but I feared my long-term addiction to pornography had crippled any chances of me getting erect for a real sexual experience with someone. A few days later she came over again. That's when disaster struck. Once again things started getting hot and heavy between us. We started making out and, after a minute or two, we began to strip down naked.

    Even before pulling my pants down I knew nothing was happening down there and panic started to set in. My mind began racing with negative thoughts. "No! NO!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!! I can't believe porn has fucked me up this much. It's NOT WORKING. I like this girl. I'm attracted to this girl. PLEASE GET HARD". After pulling it out, I spent the next 2 minutes frantically trying to get hard for her. I knew it wasn't going to happen. I gave up and hung my head in shame over her.

    I wanted to be completely transparent and explain to her what was wrong with me. So. What is wrong with me?

    I was exposed to pornography at a young age. I'm not sure when my first experience viewing porn was, but if I had to ballpark it, I would say I was about 11 or 12 years old when my older brother said "hey... check this out" and switched the channel on the tiny TV in our room to scrambled porn. It was difficult to make out anything happening on screen... but I could hear it, and occasionally the image would clear up enough to see what was going on. I realize now that scrambled porn taught me how sexual intercourse works and, honestly, it's the worst way I could have learned about it.

    So, years have passed, my obsession with porn has filled hard drives, inflated my need to view depraved imagery in order to get off, and robbed me of my ability to achieve and maintain a happy and healthy sex life. I've even gone through a divorce because of it (something I suppose I could talk about later on).

    I'm lonely ...and afraid. I've struggled with depression for so long and this last sexual experience was so humiliating and stripped me of any self-esteem I desperately gathered up in preparation. I want to be happy. And I want to make a girl happy. I want to give pleasure and also receive it.

    I feel like I'm actually rotting from the inside out. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to quit porn but I need help. So, I found this forum. And now I'm asking. No. I'm begging.

    Please guys ...help me get better!?
     
  2. Jangchub

    Jangchub Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the forum! Step one is reading up on porn addiction and PIED. Then make a plan and keep revising that strategy based on the results you get. Right now the humiliation of PIED is probably enough to get you started on the NoFap path. But make sure to include contingency plans for future occasions when your motivation takes a break. And it will at unpredictable times. This community is a tremendous resource.
     
    iluvfreedom likes this.
  3. OhWhenThe

    OhWhenThe Fapstronaut

    737
    966
    93
    Let's look on the bright side. A girl liked you enough to jump into bed with you, a lot of us here are so messed up from porn that even talking to girls is beyond us so it could be worse. PIED obviously isn't a good sign but it's generally one of the easier symptoms of porn addiction to fix. So what do you need to do? Well that's simple; stop looking at porn(or anything arousing) and stop touching your dick. Easy right? Well, that much depends on your level of addiction. If this embarrassing experience alone isn't enough to keep you from relapsing then you need to find some other source of inspiration or at least something that will distract you and keep your mind away from porn. I would recommend working out/exercising if you don't already or maybe some kind of hobby if you have any. Either way if you just quit watching porn without replacing it with something then 9 times out of 10 you'll most likely just go straight back to it. This problem is certainly reversible but you can't half-arse it, you have to be fully committed to change.
     
  4. diep

    diep Fapstronaut

    I understand how embarrassing it was. The recovery journey is not easy. You can't yell at the porn addiction and tell it to get out of your life. It requires both persistence and the faith that you can break free from porn, just like the time you didn't know it. Remember how life was when you didn't know porn. Use it as inspiration to help you on the tough journey ahead.

    I was struggled with porn for 10 years. There are ups and downs in my own journey. But there are three things that I've always relied on:
    1. Don't look at a woman lustfully. You should not look at a woman until you got a good steak (at least 60 days).
    2. Makes journaling a habit. Try to journal everyday. You can write anything in your journal. To make it stick, you can try journal for 5 minutes in the first week. Writing a journal is always better than typing it on your computer.
    3. Pray to God when you feel that you are weak. Pray the Rosary everyday.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2020
    PowerOverMind likes this.
  5. PowerOverMind

    PowerOverMind Fapstronaut

    47
    30
    18
    You didn't talk about the specifics of your marriage and that's perfectly understandable but did you have issues in bed during your previous marriage? I'm at a similar age op, the last time I had sex I had a semi boner on and was losing it during intercourse by the second so I had to take my mind somewhere else to perform, however to be truthful I wasn't completely attracted to her. What's funny is that we were sexting before we had sex and I was extremely aroused by her and had full erections every time we sexted but when it came to the moment of truth I underperformed, then I started remembering some of my previous encounters and I started realizing that whenever I wasn't comfortable or had performance anxiety this would happen to me, even in my previous relationship the first time we slept together I failed miserably but as I got more comfortable with her all of that changed quickly. Maybe you just needed to get comfortable with her to get there. Next time you meet someone maybe don't rush things, learn to have your guard down around them. Either way I think being on this Journey will be beneficial to you to purify your mind and body.
     
  6. bitstreak6809

    bitstreak6809 Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much for the replies and words of motivation. It helps to know I'm not alone in this and there's people battling this crap as well.

    So, there's a few things I want to address:
    I think my addiction to porn fuels my social awkwardness, but in some cases, it has somehow played in my favor when socializing. This girl I had the embarrassing experience with told me I was odd but said she liked that about me. Yeah, I absolutely need to replace the habit with something else. I hear a lot of people replace it with exercise/gym, but I think I'm too socially awkward and depressed to make the effort. Most weekends are spent laying around and whining about going grocery shopping, but I know I should at least get out and try to take walks, because I know that will help. I kind of have a loose action plan together though. Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to ask about anti-depressants/SSRIs and I also want to start streaming as a way of distracting myself on the weekends. I'm a graphic artist and want to do live streams of me drawing so I can build a community of friends.

    That's sounds like a good idea and I want to give that a shot.

    Regarding my marriage, I was in a relationship with a girl for 7 years. We were married for the last 3 of those years. And yeah, my addiction to porn was the main culprit in our romantic life falling apart. It was all good when we first met. I was just happy that ANYONE was letting me have sex with them at the time. But the foundation started cracking over time. I would ask her to do anal and wear certain items of clothing during sex as a way of playing out my porn induced fantasies. We eventually moved in to an apartment together and got married. Things got really bad after that. I started losing all interest in her and neglected her for weeks on end in favor of binging porn in secret. After a while I couldn't stand her touch and internally blamed her appearance for my loss of attraction. It had nothing to do with her appearance. It was me being a broken individual.

    I'm gonna keep posting in this thread and keep you guys updated on my progress. I'll keep answering replies and questions and try to divulge more info about myself.

    Once again. THANK YOU for coming onto this thread and being present. I really do appreciate it.
     
  7. FoundTheFreedom

    FoundTheFreedom Fapstronaut

    355
    305
    63
    I didn't get my first girlfriend until I was in my 30s. We dated a while and one day she wanted to have sex. No matter what we tried, I couldn't get hard. it didn't help she wanted to do it in the dark. To be frank, I wasn't attracted to her but I felt I might not get another chance to find out what it felt to have sex. A few years later, I met another woman. She was pretty but a little overweight. I WAS attracted to her and I still had ED. I thought it was performance anxiety. I did have an orgasm, however. She was able to coax that out. Fast forward another ten years before I would get into another relationship. I was VERY attracted to her (and I'm still with her). It took me a few tries until I was able to get it up and keep it up. Thankfully, she was supportive as we both thought it was performance anxiety. Now I know it was all PIED.

    I did try various pills to help to no avail. I've been in a relationship now for 13 years and I finally experienced coming inside her but it took a lot of time and patience. After being diagnosed with prostate cancer and having the surgery, I developed ED from the surgery. They said it would be nerve-sparing but I'm not sure it was. We haven't had sex in like nine years. She is post-menopausal and has other issues so her libido is totally gone. I know when she discovered my porn addiction, it hurt her a lot. She felt that she had to compete for my desire with the women in the porn I was watching.

    You started with scrambled porn too huh? Yep my dad, who was a TV and radio repairman, was able to get a pirate box, which is something to unscramble cable TV without paying for it. Then I really saw it!! After 10 pm at night, stations like HBO and Cinemax used to show soft porn. Before that, the first two cable stations in Chicago were OnTV and Spectrum and they also showed soft porn after 10 pm. That is when I started fapping to porn.

    Admirable goal. I suffer from depression as well. I used to have panic disorder as well. It's not too late for you. Break your porn addiction. Give your brain time to reboot and hopefully, you'll be able to find a girl and make her happy. It's pretty much too late for me but not for you. I'm 59, diagnosed 11 years ago with prostate cancer, had surgery to remove both, and have had ED since. My partner is post-menopausal, suffers from depression, and agoraphobia. Her libido is totally gone. I don't see us having sex anytime soon but we'll see. Are you on any medications for depression? Anti-depressants also are notorious for causing ED. If you're not seeing a therapist, see one. If you are, tell him or her about your ED and see if they can help. Do not give up. It WILL get better.[/QUOTE]
     
    ALPHAandOMEGA likes this.
  8. Viking83

    Viking83 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your story. Please go ahead and also read the stories of others in this forum. You will be relieved to see you are not the only one with this problem.

    It seems to me that the best way out is to keep reminding yourself of the pain that porn has caused, block yourself from a stupid relapse (install some blockers), and build the life you want to live. Starting a journal is a very good way to keep track of your progress, remind yourself why you do this, and reflect on strategies. You can also use it to create a vision for "the life of your dreams", and break it down in actionable steps.

    Good luck!
     
  9. Krillin1993

    Krillin1993 Fapstronaut

    149
    1,864
    123
    I am really curious about some things:
    1. Can you imagine that your girlfriend is cheating with another guy, in order to get her sexual intimacy?
    2. Are you still in a relationship with her?
    3. Did she understand your situation with your PIED problem?
    4. Did she ever admit that she masturbates too?
     
  10. lukeman3000

    lukeman3000 Fapstronaut

    41
    33
    18
    If you haven't read Your Brain on Porn you absolutely must read it IMMEDIATELY. It is non-negotiable. I guarantee you that you will feel so much better after reading it.

    Read the book to gain knowledge and understanding which you can use to combat urges and cravings (for PMO) use these communities for support when needed, but don't hang out here everyday all day. You need to abstain from PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) for at least 90 days but also during that time make small steps to do something new, like some kind of exercise, taking a walk outside, learning something new, working on your streaming, etc. The key here is that you have to start doing things before you feel like doing them. Look at it as your therapy, your medicine. Tonight I didn't want to go to the climbing gym but I forced myself to go and I'm glad I did.
     
  11. PowerOverMind

    PowerOverMind Fapstronaut

    47
    30
    18
    Most people are not introspective enough to figure out the problem in the first place, the fact is that you've already outdone most people by identifying the culprit as you said. There is hope to fix this, maybe even go back to your ex if neither of you have moved on in your lives. But before all of that, much like the majority of the people here you're gonna have to wean yourself off PMO and restore your purity.

    Women now a days are the less modest they've ever been, we're prone to desensitization even outside the context of porn when we see ladies wearing tight or revealing clothing and like someone said here turning the other way will do you wonders in the rehealing process.
     
  12. bitstreak6809

    bitstreak6809 Fapstronaut

    It's been a busy work week, but now that I have off for the holidays, I feel like I can sit down and give an update. It's been about a week since I quit porn (NOT a very long span of time) and already I feel like my mood is taking a dive. I'm flatlining. I look at women with absolutely no desire for any close contact. There have been other attempts to quit porn this year, but once I get to the one week mark, my brain is already inventing excuses for me to fall back into the habit. Stuff like:

    "You aren't in a relationship right now, so you might as well keep watching porn until you find someone. Then you can just quit".
    "You're being ridiculous! It's JUST porn. You want your mood to improve, so just have a quick wank, and you'll be all better".

    But, I want to live a happy healthy life with someone I love, so I retain the role of "The Monk". It's a weird title to give oneself. Especially when you don't particularly subscribe to any religious beliefs. But somehow, in some strange way, the mental imagery of dawning robes and cleansing myself of this habit, so I can thwart off my own personal demons, gives me the strength to persevere. I remain strong through the depression and strong for the uncertain future.

    I'm really sorry to hear all of this has happened to you. It sounds like you've had a rough go of it. I hope that, in spite of your circumstances, you have some light at the end of your tunnel. You sound like a good guy. Scrambled porn was definitely a gateway for it. It provided just enough of a glimpse to peak someone's curiosity, and push them to seek out more. And now we have the internet. And what an amazing and dangerous thing it has become.

    Thank you so much. I want to build a life worth living. And it starts with quitting porn.

    No, that girl from work and I aren't in a relationship. Before that experience, I hadn't been with another girl for about a year. Within that year, between the two, I was binging porn really hard.

    I started listening to it on audible. I'm two chapters in and the book has definitely helped me gain some clarity on the weight of my situation.

    TELL ME ABOUT IT! I even have trouble going on Instagram and browsing because girls on there are doing some lude stuff and it triggers me. I think I'd eventually like to talk to my ex, just so I could apologize and fill her in on what was going on with me, but for now, I think it's best to focus on myself and try to get my life in order. It's gonna be baby steps for a while.
     
  13. lukeman3000

    lukeman3000 Fapstronaut

    41
    33
    18
    Nice! I'm really glad you started reading it. Avail yourself of all the resources available and get educated. Also, pro tip: Don't worship the "streak"; go month to month (how many times did I use PMO this month compared to last?) This approach is far healthier and will discourage you from binging when and if you falter.
     
  14. blacklabel92

    blacklabel92 Fapstronaut

    599
    1,890
    123

    PMO will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as PMO. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Keep getting back on that wagon my friend.. Trust me if you really want to shake this habit.. It will happen.. Your next streak will be longer and youll find momentum.. Then it'll be like breathing.. Good luck sir..
     
  15. Devilinme2

    Devilinme2 Fapstronaut

    132
    120
    43

    Believe me when I tell you that you are not alone! Almost everyone with these issues have the same common denominator of being exposed to porn real young and escalating it over the years (including me). Your mind wants to have sex but your penis says no which drives your anxiety up and keeps your penis down....I will tell you a trick....the erectile dysfunction pill....!!! It may be early to do it but it gives u a little more confidence and it works...and with that help you can finely match your mind and penis together into a healthy sexual relationship
     
    blacklabel92 likes this.
  16. bladerunner180

    bladerunner180 Fapstronaut

    28
    28
    13
    the cold hard truth is you are the only one who can help you. people can give you advice but its ultimately up to you. now what I can say is that the feelings you had with that situation, use those feelings to reprogram your mind in that you change the way you think about porn. the truth is porn took a lot from our lives. it took a lot from my life. I feel I am more ready to do the work I need to overcome porn. now if you do not want that situation to happen again, then you know what you need to do.
     

Share This Page