32yo finally accepting 20yrs of porn addiction

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Dr. eamer, May 27, 2021.

  1. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone,

    I've been watching porn since probably 12 years old, and always thought it was just a normal part of life. I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years now and my porn use had caused a few problems but I didn't think it was serious or unusual. She is fine with me using porn, but thinks I watch it and masturbate too much, leading to problems in the bedroom. She has also caught me a couple times looking at it when she is home, which is apparently pretty insulting.

    In April I finally admitted that it's an addiction, and promised to quit for 30 days. Failed on day 4 and started a log instead. By the end of 30 days, I had watched porn on over 30 separate occasions, and masturbated to orgasm over 20 times. This was actually a huge improvement over my routine of 2-3 times per day for the past decade or so. I had some improvement in my personal life and making progress towards my personal goals in cutting back, but I can't imagine actually abstaining completely for a serious length of time. I pretty much fell into my old habits and had another PIED episode with my girlfriend yesterday, and I worry for the relationship if I can't get control of this.

    So that's why I'm here, with an initial goal of going 7 days without porn. It's going to be an easy first few days since we are going hiking over the holiday weekend, but I have very little hope for success on Tuesday next week. My biggest problem is that there's many websites, performers, artists, and story writers that regularly produce new content for free and I'm always curious to check and see what's new after a couple days. Once I see something new (especially if it's some really good stuff), It's as if I literally can't help myself.

    A little bit about me: I live with my girlfriend, who works M-F while I work from home on a computer. Aside from my girlfriend, I have essentially no social life. I am highly educated, comfortable financially, and interested in finding new ways to use my time other than browsing porn. Now that COVID is ending I'm feeling optimistic about my future.

    Thanks for reading
     
  2. EugeneBrannan

    EugeneBrannan New Fapstronaut

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  3. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Welcome, it's good to have you here

    Good luck
     
  4. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Already wasted 45 minutes this morning with PM, managed to pull myself away before O but still pretty sad about failing so quickly
     
  5. Great that you're financially secure too. Means you have great reach of choices. Welcome aboard and well done for reaching out. The future looks bright!
     
  6. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Gotta reset again, easily 20 minutes wasted this am browsing P and a bit of M, but again no O so that's something. I don't have an accountability partner but I really want to hit 7 days so if this keeps up I'll be looking for someone, if anyone is reading this...
     
  7. ShameFalco

    ShameFalco Fapstronaut

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    I feel your concern about Tuesday, as I have the same concerns. It's easy when you're distracted. It's the "down time" that causes the urges to browse. Have you considered leaving the house to go for a walk or maybe text your girlfriend that you're thinking about HER to help distract you? If I did that with my wife she'd be overwhelmed with random texts!
     
    RobbyGo36 likes this.
  8. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Just wasted another hour with PM and again no O. About to go hiking and she left the house to run an errand and I had nothing I could figure out to do, temptation was too strong...
     
  9. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Hike went terrible. Planned 2 trails but my gf quit after 20 minutes, so we didn't even get halfway through one, even though the weather was beautiful. Ended up overpaying for a shitty dinner, then went to sleep early after watching tv in the cabin. No sex because we weren't getting along after the failed hike.

    Back home now after a miserable weekend. I never made it much past 24 hrs without porn so that goal failed too. Don't anticipate sex with my gf and don't have anything to do today so can't imagine making it to bedtime without more porn...
     
  10. SpectacularWX14

    SpectacularWX14 Fapstronaut

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    As a guy who just turned 30 2 weeks ago and has struggled with this addiction now for a little over 10 years, I completely understand where you are and what you're going through. One thing you can count yourself lucky on is that you have a girlfriend and someone who has stuck by you through it. :)

    If you're looking for an accountability partner, I would certainly be open to it.
     
  11. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Just did PMO after almost 5 days of no O but plenty of P and M. Pretty much decided last night that I was gonna fail this morning since I couldn't get anything with my GF and was starting to get some aching blue balls. Anyway, back to zero but still want to really get to 7 days. SpectacularWX14, have you been an AP before? Maybe you can help me figure out how to do this. Send me a message plz
     
  12. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Well I made it to just over 48 hours before I wasted about 2 hrs today with PMO x2. Starting to feel like 7 days is never going to happen, not sure you guys are making it to hundreds of days...
     
  13. todolist

    todolist Fapstronaut

    It takes time and effort. I've been doing this for months and the best I've managed is 14 consecutive totally porn free days. Someone will say it eventually, but its really vital to set a new routine for yourself. Cold showers, meditation twice a day, healthy food, exercise and hobbies are key to keeping the urges away. You'll be amazed how just meditation alone will help.

    Best of luck dude.
     
  14. In my opinion it's no good to ignore urges when they happen, because ignoring them will make them come back stronger.

    Try instead to use a tool like meditation (I recommend an app like Headspace) to help you deal with the sexual discomfort when it happens. Work with it, not against it. It is difficult, but very do-able.

    If you believe you are addicted, search out a local SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) or SLA (Sex and Love Addicts) group in your area. Coming here is good, but quitting an addiction like porn isn't something you can do alone.

    All the Best
     
  15. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Well I failed again pretty hard today, 3 sessions of PMO within 6 hours.

    In the past 2 months I've ramped up my exercise routine from 2-3x per week to 6x, and I allocated the first 30 minutes after work to yoga and meditation. I still need to find hobbies but I haven't been successful with my gf as she doesn't do much aside from lie on the couch and watch TV, so I need to make some friends and get out of the house to keep busy.

    It seems like after 48 hours or so, my mind gets drawn to all the porno sites I know and I can't resist the urge to check "really quick" for that new stuff. Of course once I see it, I can't help but indulge. Maybe deep down I don't actually want to quit porn, I just want to have a healthy relationship with it where I'm not searching compulsively and PMOing back-to-back.

    I'm definitely interested in getting help from others, whether via the internet (here), finding an accountability partner, or even via SAA, though I want to start online first because my gf would probably be upset if I was regularly meeting up with other addicts. The last couple months have pretty much proven that going solo, changing my routines, and keeping a journal doesn't do much besides get me to the 48hr mark...
     
  16. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Back to 0, haven't been optimistic this week but I made plans with people for the weekend so hopefully I should make it to Monday morning without too much difficulty. Still want to get that 7 day streak under my belt...
     
  17. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    Didn't even make it 4 hours without another 2 sessions of PMO after that last post... ugh
     

  18. Hi buddy, I know what you are going through is difficult.

    You are in a place where you want to control your urges and you want to be able to turn your porn using on and off like a switch but only when its 'the right time and place and wont cause any issues' well i'm here to tell you that this is the pipe dream of many an addict 'one day i'll be able to use like normal people'

    I've been free of porn since Dec 2014, but when i was in active addiction i kept stopping and starting constantly trying will power to no avail and i tried some crazy stuff to put barriers in my way to stop using but eventually i hit rock bottom, my whole world collapsed around me and i got in trouble with the law. I was at the very sharp end of porn addiction and narcotics that had escalated over a number of years. I used porn since i was about 14 and my tastes grew into more extreme things as the years progressed.

    The hardest thing for me was fully conceding defeat and realising that this is a problem that requires abstinence and admitting to myself and another person that I am an addict, not 'ill manage it once a month or do it only on my birthday' complete absitnence. Now to the addict it sounds like impending doom and like a near impossible feat, Many people i talk to at my 12 step meetings initially struggled with the idea of 'i'll never be able to use again'

    The reality is, if you want to get control over you life you will not be able to use porn or other mind altering substances ie: drugs etc. but the key is taking it one day at a time, just for today you don't have to use...just for today.

    You sit infront of a computer all day and with an active addictive mind, you are litterally staring temptation in the face, add to that you say you have no social life, what is happening is you are making it extremely difficult to rewire the pleasure centre in your brain. As humans we crave belonging, companionship, purpose, being around other people etc. I have found for me personally that going to my 12 step meetings helps me with my social needs and gives me support at the same time. I also changed my career from a sedentary office based role to a very active construction role. I am surrounded by people all day that i have to engage with and i have now a very real sense of identity and purpose in life and it is all thanks to giving up porn and drugs with the right support.


    I promise you, that if you manage to find the right support and you want to change your life and get control of it, you can. you will find it very difficult at first whilst you find your feet but never lose sight of the goal, keep your goals small and achievable but realise that if you truly want control of your life then sacrifices will need to be made.


    Addiction is giving up everything for your fix. recovery is giving up your fix for everything.
     
  19. Dr. eamer

    Dr. eamer Fapstronaut

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    I think you're absolutely right on the money there. My lack of satisfying social life, my lack of satisfying sex life, and my job sitting in front of a computer and with 24hr access to my phone/internet is a terrible combination for fighting this addiction. Unfortunately the job situation is not likely to change for at least another 6 months or so (long story but basically spent nearly a year unemployed just to land this job and I'm way too afraid to give it up until I get some time in and some solid resume bullets). The sex life is a problem both because of PIED and because of the issues it has caused in our relationship thus far, where our sex life is restrained and anxiety-inducing for both of us. I think the solution there is both abstinence and therapy/counseling or possibly a new relationship if it comes to that. That's why right now I'm working on my social life, though I've had limited success with this most of my life, I'm optimistic this time around because I hear extended nofap can build confidence and I know people are looking to get out now that this pandemic is almost over. I'm a bit apprehensive about building a social life around a 12 step program, though I'm not entirely opposed. I just really want to find "normal" friends that are together because of shared interests and complimentary personalities rather than as addicts on a journey through recovery.
     

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