33 newly married and it got real

Hello everyone,

I doubt I've a unique story to tell. I'll give you the highlights.

Was/been addicted to a fetish for about 15 or so years (was an evolution).
This fetish is what introduced me to masturbation.
I perfect my system over the 15 yr span.
I abstained from sex though was abused as a child and again at 24.

I get married in Feb 2019. I am unsuccessful in sexual intercourse (to my surprise), and over the course of 6 months, my marriage has deteriorated to temporary happiness and a brutal reality check ever other week.

I admitted that I was addicted to porn and masturbation 3 weeks ago and have given it up. The first week and a half were VERY difficult. After the 2nd week, the draw isn't there but I can easily let my mind wander and even today I thought about masturbating.

But I didn't.

I have low and "meh" periods. I am working on spending more time with my wife, playing less video games, and trying to grapple work and grad school. This is the toughest thing I've ever been through and I'm thankful to have a wife that is enduring if she hasn't already given up hope.

This reprogramming of my system is going to be long, but I'm glad that for 21 days, I remain committed even with nothing more than my commitment to God and my wife with the wedding vows dragging me down this path to healing.

I had another sad "conversation" with my wife. I end up going for a drive to rest my mind. Wouldn't you know that I see a woman enacting the very scene of pleasure that my mind gravitates toward (at a Walmart). I couldn't have been triggered more even if I didn't entertain the scene more than looking at it and knowing why it was there.

There are definitely a force as work urging me to give up, peter around the edge, or at least entertain sadness and stress. I have more tools to deal with this; pushing through the trauma is tough and and patience is getting the biggest work out of its life.