35 and older accountability, Group 2

Thanks! I really need prayer and God's help.

Those are good questions. My mental process is still that I will allow P subs and my goal is no P. But I hadn't been in a state to seek out P subs since about June 10th. I can't remember last week, but I felt very bad afterwards. This week though, it normally happens when I'm on the computer a lot and there are more urges. I started looking at P subs two nights ago. Then I realized it was very late and I was online having trouble with P subs (this is a very dangerous situation in the past for me, and I've also learned now that your dopamine gets depleted much more when looking at screens at night). I was able to walk away from it and go to sleep. But then yesterday I was seeking it out again and it seemed to increase. After I posted here and drank some green tea it seemed to help. Today I'm having some urges but I haven't looked for P subs. I will continue with the green tea, I normally have 3 brews with the same leaves, at 175F, then 185F, then 200F . I haven't tried cold brew but I'll have to look into it.

But I can see these urges came from ...
1. Emotional stress when I told someone about a situation where I was done wrong. This has been with me for a long time now. I told someone on Tuesday and then I believe I began to seek out P subs that night.
2. Some things I ate that probably increase urges.
3. I've had much less good green tea recently. I was actually trying to cut back and I still am. I just use half as much for now.

Also, I'm trying to minimize or not look at P subs at all. In the beginning of the year it did help me (EDIT: I mean allowing P subs did help me get away from P earlier this year). My main goal is no P. Thanks for helping me reflect on what lead to this. And congrats on your 1 week sober ! (and counting)

 

I haven’t posted (or updated my counter) in months. So there may have been some long streaks in there but I’ve been focused on other things. I hope to post here more often to get some accountability.

 

Thanks for the tip. I certainly need to implement more "safe place" strategies. So far I've been mostly relying on exercise as a safe place but it's not enough.

Congrats! That's great progress. July is almost halfway through, you can make it to two months!

Here's my report:
Some recent bad news put me off track again and I'm back to day one again.
I've been making an effort to reflect and understand how negative things lead me to a mental state where end up PMOing. So far I'm noticing that when things go wrong I often quite simply stop caring about my objective and just give up.
I need to work on being more aware of my metal state and act on it before I lose control. I also need to keep focus on my objective and constantly remind myself of it.
It's a learning process.

 

Can you share what the bad news was?
Yesterday I had disagreement with my wife over a task she expected me to do, but I didn’t want to do. I said no. She seemed upset. I drove to donut shop, rather than PMO. She asked me why I went for donuts later and if I was doing okay with PMO. I explained it to her. She said she wasn’t upset and she’s really trying to respect my boundaries. I had told her this past weekend that I’m really putting up some boundaries right now to try to protect my sobriety. This is another case for me of an imagined fight/slight/disagreement and how these stupid things affect my emotional state.

Either way, I’m almost 12 days clean. In a few hours, it will be 288 hours since I last did PMO. I’m so close to 14 days/336 hours. It’s the first time in a long time that I’m more than 10 days and it wasn’t by an accident, and it was more on intentional.

 

Thanks for your help. So far as I know, I've done that process three times now but it has not "stuck". The first two were on iOS. This time, on my laptop. Does it matter whether I'm in private browsing mode? It gave me a message that it might take a while to actually update. So, we'll see. Thanks, again.

 

"I have read the rules and would like to join this group"

 

I made it through yesterday. I had argument with my wife and she left to go to a class after. It was a small, small argument. I went and bought cookies after to give myself some dopamine. I need to watch that because I had ice cream, donuts and cookies late this week, which aren’t healthy for my diet. Right now, I’m okay with it because it helps me avoid PMO and get a streak, which helps me forget the fantasies and memories of the women. When my wife returned, I was feeling more tempted to use, but I asked her to hang out instead and it was very rewarding for both of us.

I also asked for my wife’s help and closed a loophole in my browser that should make it harder for me to use. I feel like I have a strong system with very few ways around it. I’m excited for this.

Also yesterday was probably very difficult because a women I used to work with that flirted with me a lot texted me. We didn’t flirt, but it did bring up memories. In the past, those memories could trigger fantasy and that could trigger PMO.

I also thought about getting a new videogame system, but talked myself out of it because that could be another way to PMO and I don’t need that now.

I am close to 13 full days/312 hours. I need to be intentional about continuing to avoid temptations like the texting and behaviors.

 

14 days/336 hours. Thanks gentlemen for being here to support my journey. I’ve had lots of rough periods and have been really struggling to get more than a week for a while.

What has helped me the last few weeks:
1) Making recovery the #1 priority in my life. This means I check this EVERYday and often twice a day. I don’t play videogames or do other activities if I haven’t connected with NoFap.
2) Been feeling my feelings and acknowledging when it it safe for me to be alone on the computer and when is it not.
3) I tightened up my filters, eliminating easy ways out.
4) I have been checking in with my wife.
5) If I’m struggling to deal with my emotions, I use food as P-SUB. I’m okay with that, for now.
6) If 2 is too much for me, I sometimes do Step 4/Step 10 in SAA where I write about my resentment.
7) I’ve been revisiting Steps 1-4 in SAA again and going to meetings.
8) If I’m tired, I’m laying on the couch and watching safe TV and staying away from computer. I’m giving my body a period to recover.
9) Counting my days (and hours) here helps remind me every day of what I’m trying to accomplish.

 

Well, long story short, my wife and I have been having difficulties in getting pregnant. We've been through an emotional roller coaster during the last year and a half. We already went through a spontaneous abortion and an ectopic pregnancy which required emergency surgery. More recently we did a bunch of medical exams requested by the specialist we're going to and the results came in last Thursday, and let's just say that things aren't looking very promising.
All this crap left me in the "I don't care" mood which lead me to PMO.

Anyways, we've both been talking about it and making an effort to deal with this in a positive way, and surprisingly, we actually had a quite nice and relaxed weekend!
Regarding my progress, I'm getting close to day 4 and holding strong. I've done my morning meditation and exercises and I'm about to start working on a nice project. I feel like today is going to be a good day, but I know I need to stay focused on my goals.

Congrats on the 12 days, it's great that you're doing it intentionally and tracking what's keeping you from falling off the wagon. Keep it up! The progress may be slow but every successful day is a small victory.

 

I’m so sorry for the struggles that you and your wife have been going through. That is a lot of deeply traumatic emotional stress. I hope you can both find some healing. I’m encouraged to hear how you rebounded together over the weekend.

 

We will win , !!!!!!

 

this is my first day today.

 

Yesterday so hard. I felt physical urges, left my computer for a bit, but I really needed to work so couldn’t avoid computer like I normally do. I came in here to read stuff. I texted an SAA colleague. I still looked at P-Subs. I also went and ate cheeseburger and ice cream. I feel better today, but days like yesterday just take so much energy out of me. I was feeling so much anxiety. I felt like I might be going into flatline.

 

Anybody else on this thread have jaw, hip and lower back tension?

 

Yep.

 

Thank for the kind words, I really appreciate it!
Well, we discussed the situation and surprisingly did a good job in managing our emotions. And this is a situation that's been going on for one and half years so we kind of have learned to live with it, I mean, it still feels bad but we are able deal with it. The weekend was somewhat good, considering the situation because we had a bunch of social functions with family and friends and it helped a lot with getting through the weekend. Hanging out with family and good friends is really important when we feel down.

I'm now on my sixth day, and actually feeling pretty good about my progress. The last few days were easy and relaxed.

Some days are just terrible, but it's overcoming the hardest days that give us that extra motivation to keep struggling. Keep going strong!

 

I sometimes have lower back tension, especially when I'm sleeping. It's stress related and I sometimes wake up during the night feeling my back almost cramping, usually I also suffer lower back pain in the morning.
Mindful meditation has helped me a lot with muscular tension during the day, I am more aware of it and it's easy to intentionally relax the muscles or correct my posture.

 

Do you have issues with faith, self-confidence, designing the life you want, anxiety, irritability, over-sensitivity, obsession with sexual thoughts, flexibility (especially hips), dissatisfaction with life, relating to your body/the exterior world/your internal world, fantasizing a lot, desiring without love, constantly trying to fulfill yourself with external things, insecurity, transforming your life, letting go of thoughts, expressing ideas?

 

I slipped yesterday. I was tired and sat down at my computer to play videogames, the thought came to me, I didn’t leave and I found a way.

I had been struggling hardcore since Sunday. The feeling of boredom of life and just felt so meh. The last few days I couldn’t shake it and I slipped. My use of P-Subs on Monday and Tuesday were a real warning.

I have got to find a way to get through the down periods.

I listed things that had been working for me and then put what happened around the Slip to help analyze those.