35 and older accountability, Group 2

Educated myself more

To me, there are many emotional triggers, mostly to deal with anxiety and low self-esteem. It also explains why after the first break (where I felt bad), I was more vulnerable.

  • How could I do better?
    • Understand it is an emotional trigger.
    • Prepare for emotional down state and prepare for potential emotional escape.
      • For days you are more vulnerable, be more alerts on small triggers.
 
Day 122

I'm in a place where life is stale for me and my wife both. It has been day in and day out for some time. I just stopped the day this morning and we had a good talk about life. While we are satisfied with the relationship we have with each other, we both admit we are not happy in the current course of our life. The positive takeaway in all of this is we are both actively seeking to make changes. She is planning to go back to school this fall to learn what she always wanted to do in life and I plan to change my work as well. In fact, I have expressed my interest in and am being considered by two different places for this new line of work. I do not have near the income potential that I have working an ecommerce business but I know I will have less stress and much more personal satisfaction in my new line of work. Just having money does not necessarily make you happy. Please pray for us in these new directions.

I continue to work on consistency. One thing I have learned about myself (and most people with addictive personalities) is consistency is a struggle. I continue to gain ground on my caffeine addiction. I continue to work on my food habits. I've been sloppy there. Finally, I continue to work for now on our ecommerce business. As I have shared through my journal, it took a huge hit in the depths of my former P addiction and it continues to struggle. I continue to reorganize and rebuild it for now but at a smaller scale. My intent is to phase it out if my new work comes to fruition.

I plan to get back to posting regularly on this journal. I miss the interaction with others and being able to share my journey. Please remember me in prayer for all of these things. Thank you much to all who read and follow my progress!
 
I am still struggling with thought patterns that don’t reflect how talented I am at work. I am working daily to counter those and remind myself of that, so I can act with more confidence in my abilities.

My wife and I continue to work on our intimacy and enjoyed some intimacy together last night. I know it meant a lot to her because she received some negative health news and feeling attractive, desired and loved was what she needed.

I continue to do better overall this year. The abstaining from PMO, shorter PMO binges and PMO cycles has helped me feel more sensitive during sex and the equipment has functioned much better. The intimacy communications and growth that myself and my wife are doing is making for a more fulfilling and open intimacy and relationship.

@jw2021 I am so amazed by your strength and courage. I’ll be sending good vibes to you and your wife. I’m also very happy you’ll be journaling more. Your journal was one of my favorites.
 
ANewFocus said:
@jw2021 I am so amazed by your strength and courage. I’ll be sending good vibes to you and your wife. I’m also very happy you’ll be journaling more. Your journal was one of my favorites.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for this nice comment. I got stale with my journaling and I believe it was because I greatly underestimated the addiction I came to this site with. I realize it is a process and it takes time. I have found new patience and perseverance as I continue to move forward. I will make those things you mentioned in your last post a matter of prayer.
 
Been struggling a lot. And turned away from here and other tools that were helping me
Have gone into full relapse after hitting many personal bests on this journey
Moved to a new city new career, new house, with tons of fixing up to do, wife's pregnancy has hit many complications in the 3rd trimester. In short I'm burnt out and stressed the fuck out, all the time
And porn has raised its head
Is it making me happier? No
Is it making things easier? No
My time would be better spent elsewhere but I keep just turning to online old habits
My sex life with wife has disappeared in the month since we've moved... I'm terrified that this sudden change and stress is destroying us, as a unit, and I know porn use is making that worse yet I still keep using like a zombie, with a tiny mouse of a voice squeeking to STOP, but too easily ignored
Reaching out for encouragement and accountability. I intend on checking in every day for the next few weeks
 
about myself:
Father if two, started looking at catalog pictures of women in underwear when I was 11 or 12 and once internet came to my house, it got worse with p and so on. 12 years ago I was free from p got married got kids and lost my streaks, I don't know how long I was "clean" and since then it was very hard to get away from P.
Joined nofap, got counseling and told my wife. since then I am very hard to stay away and finally want to say that I am free from P completely by Gods grace.
 
BookNerd42 said:
Been struggling a lot. And turned away from here and other tools that were helping me
Have gone into full relapse after hitting many personal bests on this journey
Moved to a new city new career, new house, with tons of fixing up to do, wife's pregnancy has hit many complications in the 3rd trimester. In short I'm burnt out and stressed the fuck out, all the time
And porn has raised its head
Is it making me happier? No
Is it making things easier? No
My time would be better spent elsewhere but I keep just turning to online old habits
My sex life with wife has disappeared in the month since we've moved... I'm terrified that this sudden change and stress is destroying us, as a unit, and I know porn use is making that worse yet I still keep using like a zombie, with a tiny mouse of a voice squeeking to STOP, but too easily ignored
Reaching out for encouragement and accountability. I intend on checking in every day for the next few weeks
Click to expand...
Your life right now doesn't seem to give you room that you need for a rehab. Stress, move, pregnant woman,... that is trying to swim in an iron suit. You need to free up space and time, porn addiction is deep anchored in your brain. You have some valid points I like, it doesn't make you happier nor things easier - That could be your start. Repeat it to make it your mantra, your words, your consciousness about that it would make you feel worse. Feel free to check my journal for what works for me and how I encourage myself. It's important to fully commit, to dedicate, find time every day, be disciplined, prime your thoughts every single morning to not fall again in the trap,...
Read more success stories, about the great benefits, the energy you win, the sharpened focus on life, feeling more alive, to feel your strength, the relief, the time you will have for your wife and newborn, the better mood you get,... Let's do this journey together!
I'm 41 years old, addicted since I was 12,...I almost made 90 days in my last strike and had some rough time too. Good time to hope on the train to be a better man.

Stay strong!
 
jw2021 said:
Day 122

I'm in a place where life is stale for me and my wife both. It has been day in and day out for some time. I just stopped the day this morning and we had a good talk about life. While we are satisfied with the relationship we have with each other, we both admit we are not happy in the current course of our life. The positive takeaway in all of this is we are both actively seeking to make changes. She is planning to go back to school this fall to learn what she always wanted to do in life and I plan to change my work as well. In fact, I have expressed my interest in and am being considered by two different places for this new line of work. I do not have near the income potential that I have working an ecommerce business but I know I will have less stress and much more personal satisfaction in my new line of work. Just having money does not necessarily make you happy. Please pray for us in these new directions.

I continue to work on consistency. One thing I have learned about myself (and most people with addictive personalities) is consistency is a struggle. I continue to gain ground on my caffeine addiction. I continue to work on my food habits. I've been sloppy there. Finally, I continue to work for now on our ecommerce business. As I have shared through my journal, it took a huge hit in the depths of my former P addiction and it continues to struggle. I continue to reorganize and rebuild it for now but at a smaller scale. My intent is to phase it out if my new work comes to fruition.

I plan to get back to posting regularly on this journal. I miss the interaction with others and being able to share my journey. Please remember me in prayer for all of these things. Thank you much to all who read and follow my progress!
Click to expand...
Impressive intimacy you have with your wife. My therapist specializes in Internal Family Systems, a lot of our recovery work is designed to recognize and acknowledge my addict and other "parts" and understand how these parts have controlled so much of my behavior. The goal of this is to relax and re-assign these parts to more positive roles and, ultimately, connect with my authentic Self. When connected to Self, one's direction in life often changes as our authentic values are revealed. It sounds like you and your wife are both there, connected to your authentic values and taking concrete steps to align your work with those values. So inspirational.
 
This week has been a little better than last week. Urges have lessened somewhat. I should be doing more in terms of meditation and other positive habits I'm trying to develop. The week's not over though.

This week (updated 8/5):
3 days meditation
3.5 hours exercise
 
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Back2BestOfMe said:
Your life right now doesn't seem to give you room that you need for a rehab. Stress, move, pregnant woman,... that is trying to swim in an iron suit. You need to free up space and time, porn addiction is deep anchored in your brain. You have some valid points I like, it doesn't make you happier nor things easier - That could be your start. Repeat it to make it your mantra, your words, your consciousness about that it would make you feel worse. Feel free to check my journal for what works for me and how I encourage myself. It's important to fully commit, to dedicate, find time every day, be disciplined, prime your thoughts every single morning to not fall again in the trap,...
Read more success stories, about the great benefits, the energy you win, the sharpened focus on life, feeling more alive, to feel your strength, the relief, the time you will have for your wife and newborn, the better mood you get,... Let's do this journey together!
I'm 41 years old, addicted since I was 12,...I almost made 90 days in my last strike and had some rough time too. Good time to hope on the train to be a better man.

Stay strong!
Click to expand...
Thank you brother this helps
Check in for day2!
 
Yesterday was a tough day. I’ve been on a 30-day break from my gaming computer. I started to think I could bring it back early and be safe with it. Then my mind imagined an actress and got excited and I am now saying here, I will wait another 20 days at least until I bring it back. My mind needs more work.
 
Just passing 140 days clean and though life in other ways is a bit tough the last week or two… on the PMO front everything is pretty stable.

as my good friend @NewJohnQ would say - I don’t do that anymore!

So the temptations and thought pop up… the morning wood rises to remind me it’s there, healthy and ready for use… I simply reply - nah - it’s not mine to play with anymore! I’m waiting for my Queen to reclaim ownership and for her to be the only one who plays with her toy!

I can and will do this. This is a permanent and new way of life!
 
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