35 and older accountability, Group 2

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by persona2903, Nov 13, 2019.

  1. JJones

    JJones Fapstronaut

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    I have read the rules and would like to join the group.
     
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  2. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on the 90-day mark!
     
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  3. RightEffort

    RightEffort Fapstronaut

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    it feels like its been much longer than 90 days - because i feel so good about this I wonder why would i ever have been any other way - which makes me remain humble because I have some sense how tricky this addiction to lust is - can creep in at any moment.

    Buddha has a great quote that says "As rain can leak through an ill-hatched hut, lust will sweep through an undisciplined mind. As rain can not pass through a well-hatched hut, lust can not get through a well-trained mind"
     
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  4. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    Will you share what helped you achieve this milestone? So awesome sir!
     
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  5. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Wise words my friend. Thank you!
     
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  6. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Goal 4. Pursue a long-term relationship. Status 2/9/2020:

    I'm discovering that dating is not fulfilling or exciting. This feels like a big letdown to me at this point.

    Honestly (and this is crazy), I think I was able to appreciate women only when I was meeting them for the wrong reasons: when I was married; when I lied and deceived; when I smoked weed and drank; when I injected testosterone; when I fantasized/chased women; when I was promiscuous, reckless, and selfish.

    And the truth is: all of it excited me, and I enjoyed it, and I realize that I still miss it. A lot.

    I'm no longer married, and I no longer lie, smoke weed, or inject steroids. And the pursuit of casual sex is no longer in my playbook; the "new me" is honest and (almost 100%) sober, and perhaps a bit more noble, but truthfully, I feel like the "new me" has been a failure at dating women and attracting them.

    I figured by now I would be courting the affection of a gorgeous woman of exceptional character and strength, but mostly I feel like I've encountered nothing but dissapointment and rejection.

    I also figured by Valentine's Day I would have a romantic evening lined up with a beautiful, sexy woman. I even truly believed that I would be ready to have sex. I've had all of this planned out in my mind for weeks: pay my dues, do 100+ days PMO, live life the "right way" and surely I would have a woman of my desire vying for my attention.

    Yet I'm dissapointed that my Valentine's Day date is not gonna happen, and apparently I am NOT READY for it to happen, either.

    Where are all these superpowers? Why aren't women drawn to me like moths to a flame? How come I still feel resentful and insecure about women? Why am I still clinging to ever-present thoughts about misandry?

    The old me was rejected by many women in the past, but the truth is, the rejection never bothered me much, because the old me, the selfish me, the womanizing me, had nothing to risk, and nothing to lose: I used my ex-wife for "Plan B" companionship, and I used an inexhaustable supply of lies, weed, alcohol, steroids, and alprazolam, to numb the pain and keep me immune from dealing with my fear of inadequacy.

    At this point I'm not sure if I'm going to renew my subscription to the online dating site. The truth is, I no longer feel the excitement from the dopamine-rush that would flood my mind when I was viewing online profiles, womanizing, smoking weed, fantasizing, and doing P and p-subs.

    I'm constantly viewing online profiles, and checking my inbox for alerts, yet none of the images and emails excites me that much. I don't feel the same level of dopamine rush, and I don't feel any urge to fantasize or M or pursue these women sexually. This sounds good in theory, but I actually MISS the decadence and excitement that I used to feel from the "old me" dopamine rush, and the only way to restore that rush is to restore the old me, and that's not going to happen.

    I realize that for the "old me," dating was all about fun and games, an escape. But now it's about finding somebody to love, and be loved by, i.e. reality. And I'm not convinced that the "new me" is ready to appreciate or accept this as reality.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2020
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  7. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    Finding meaningful intimacy is harder than casual sex. They both take a lot of time, but one when found is immediate, the other when found still takes continual work and vulnerability.
     
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  8. RightEffort

    RightEffort Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to much of your experience. I have faced that same sense of disappointments in my wishes. Looking back now i'm so thankful so many of those wishes were not answered because I am now started to sense the greater good.

    My latest understanding is that there is no salvation in a Women. period.

    Relationships, marriages, friendships and all that are fine but they are like different food and sleep and things we do as normal people.

    In themselves, they are empty and meaningless and unable to give us what we deeply long for.

    The only real fulfillment is through Self realization, God-realization and drinking from the bliss of the ultimate reality in each moment is the ultimate answer. Everything else is a poor substitute.

    I know this answer will not resonate for most for some time maybe ever. This is just my journey.

    Every relationship starts because we feel a sense of attraction.

    But within a few years or months all that is gone and we are now facing our own shadow and ego an blame and project it to the other person.

    All the sense of companionship, intimacy and love we want to get from another is never going to be good enough for us, the only real intimacy is with our own self in God-communion.
     
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  9. persona2903

    persona2903 Fapstronaut

    Hi @JJones, you are now in the waiting list!
     
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  10. persona2903

    persona2903 Fapstronaut

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  11. persona2903

    persona2903 Fapstronaut

    @Arnuld , congratulations on your three months of victories!
    The ranking is already updated and you have your deserved cup of triumph!

    [​IMG]
     
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  12. persona2903

    persona2903 Fapstronaut

    Today I am pleased to congratulate and reward one of our most prolific contributors in the group: @RightEffort !!
    Claps for you! Thank you for the valuable posts and the time you dedicate to us in this accountability group!

    [​IMG]
     
  13. newtry

    newtry Fapstronaut

    D151. I think it is no accident that every Friday afternoon the cities attack me with all their ammunition. I've spent another weekend disconnected from my devices. I keep fighting to overcome this sin. Thank God I had a very good weekend, visiting my family and spending quality time with them.
     
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  14. Arnuld

    Arnuld Fapstronaut

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    Thank You so much man!
     
  15. Arnuld

    Arnuld Fapstronaut

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    So I know most people list a bunch of tools that have helped to get them through. Exercise (I have always exercised) eating healthy (I have eaten healthy for all of my adult life) Meditation (I’ve done it on and off. It certainly has benefit) Cold Showers (These can work in a pinch and have health benefits) Higher Power (I’m a Christian and have leaned on God through this whole process) Therapy (I have an insanely good therapist who specializes in sex addiction) But the key for me was a decision. I made a decision that I cannot engage with pornography anymore. I have cried over this decision. I have almost given up on this decision many times. I have told myself I’m crazy for making this decision. I’ve tried to finds ways to justify letting myself out of this decision. But I made it and am sticking with it because pornography has done nothing but stain what is otherwise a successful and happy life. I’ve suffered insomnia because of it. I have had chronic fear because of it. I’ve hidden because of it. I’ve been disconnected because of it. I’ve lied because of it. I’ve felt unsatisfied in my marriage because of it. I’ve been depressed and anxious because of it. I’ve had to drink alcohol on a daily basis to help get through withdrawal symptoms. I’ve read more posts than I can count on this website about how pornography destroys people’s lives. And honestly right now I don’t feel proud because I made the 90 day mark. I feel sad because a big part of me still wants to be in this addiction. But I know the truth and the truth is that NOTHING good will ever come from engaging with pornography.
     
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  16. The Real JokeErr

    The Real JokeErr Fapstronaut

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  17. persona2903

    persona2903 Fapstronaut

    Such good news! You are very close to entering the 90-day podium!
     
  18. persona2903

    persona2903 Fapstronaut

    Well said! And very true. Thank you @Arnuld !
     
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  19. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations @RightEffort! Wishing you continued success on your path and thank you for your support and encouragement.
     
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  20. Espi1971

    Espi1971 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your candor and insight. Glad you stuck by your decision.
     
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