35 and older accountability, Group 2

Thank you for updating the rankings my friend

 

I encourage you to keep going. Don't stop. There will come a time when life doesn't seem so uphill, but it does take time, and it does involve struggle, and it's not always exciting. But it is worth the struggle. For you and your wife.

Wishing you and your wife strength and peace during this trying time.

 

Hey bro - If you like i am happy to schedule a phone call with you and share about my experience, and ask you some questions that hopefully be of help to you as my sponsor has done for me. If you are interested just let me know.

To be honest I think helping you now would be so helpful to me - since I recently have started to feel the craving for porn - (after months!) so i'm intending to be more in service

 

I just make a response here.

I remember when i was going through this last September, I kept making a decision to stop, I would journal about it in my "masturbation journal" and few days later like 7 days or so I would simply override what I said,

And i would then journal about what happened - I would forgive myself and try again.

After many times of this process, I realized I must become committed to someone/group outside of myself. which inspired me to join this group and since I have been able to stay free.

But this was not the case many years ago - before I do the work of going through the whole 12 steps and creating a lifestyle that is centered around prayer, meditation and hopefully service.

So i'm just sharing that perhaps this is an invitation for you to stop trying to stop watching porn - instead try to strive to become more spiritually illuminated - to know your true spiritual identity and be willing, honest and humble to do whatever necessary.

Because I truely believe this addiction has a positive purpose - and that is to make us evolve.

I also share that the attitude of self-love and self-acceptance is incredibly helpful to have - The more I used to beat myself for relapsing (shame) I would try to overcome it with self-control and developed pride and I would then relapse again.

 

Another update - ITs crazy I remember writing here few days ago on how every thing is great, today i was hit with a new layer of temptation - WHILE meditating i had a semi-strong urge to masterbate - just wanted to feel the pleasure of sexuality - I felt so frustrated with my current life - like I am not having any fun - that same old excuse came - fuck everything i already did almost 5 months - good enough - more than most people - i can now go back -

But thankfully after meditation the urges were gone. I also noticed that today I was more grumpy and had less sleep -

I find when i'm bored and not fighting for a specific goal i start to want to fill my time with some pleasure - so what i'm doing now is to setting my weekly goals again - and stiving to achieve new inspiring goals.

 

I found this video to be helpful to be less judgmental.

 

Thank you and @Espi1971 for your responses. I’ll PM you about getting together for a call.

Today I woke up with resolve and focus. I showed up for work with my attitude and I managed to work out this evening.

Two weeks ago I was sober, energized, and excited for myself. I miss that. PMO takes that away from me.

 

You're still moving forward despite all the setbacks this says something about you!

Just the fact that you're still in the game, reading posting means you are bound to succeed in due time.

Nothing worthy in this world comes easily. Just in the same way you are trying the best you can, and with persistence you will overcome.

 

Solid advice from @RightEffort to @ANewFocus. I really appreciate the brotherhood that we have here.

 

@ANewFocus I'm convinced that drudgery and struggle are the price we pay for peace of mind and long-term success.

Whatever pleasure I derive from the short-term never seems to fill, complete, or satiate my inner-demonic-drive to feel in control and accepted.

Tomorrow I'm taking my GF and her dog to a park for an outdoor picnic. Fried chicken, brown-sugar beans, coleslaw, sugar-infested tea...not the best food for my body but being out in nature, with people who care about and love me, fills my mind and heart my gratitude and joy.

May you feel strength, peace, and purpose from such simple things.

 

175 days no PM

Goal 10. Explore moving to another city/state/country.

I applied and was approved for a 1-year lease for an apartment located in the epicenter of a beautiful beach community. I move in May 1, 2020.

The apartment is located a block from the beach and accompanying bars, resorts, etc.

The surrounding area is absolutely gorgeous, perfect for riding my mountainbike, running, etc. I am really looking forward to seeing the sunsets, discovering the local restaurants and bars, being able to walk to the grocery store, joining a new gym, and getting tons of outdoor exercise along the beach, trails, bridges, and sidewalks.

For me, the unit is a bona-fide bachelor's paradise: super-clean, modern, brand new appliances, nice furnishings, beautiful views, free wifi, electricity, and Netflix. And, I'll be paying $200.00 less per month than my current apartment.

Negatives: it is located a lot farther from work (I currently live less than 2 miles from the office; the beach studio is approximately 15 miles from the office). So putting extra miles on my car concerns me (I already have nearly 90K miles on my vehicle, and my check engine light is still on). Fuel will likely add an additional $100.00 expense per month. And, the traffic is awful. So I will have to wake up a lot earlier.

But the pros far outweigh the cons. I feel excited about moving forward on this. Feels like a new chapter in my life, and it feels like I am literally moving in the right direction.

Disclosure, though: from the outset one of my most cherished and thought-out objectives about moving here is engaging with women, despite my being exclusive with my GF for the past 2 weeks.

My having a GF is not stopping me from window-shopping match.com profiles. I told her I'm doing this, and she says she's OK with it, but I don't think she is OK with it.

Secretly, I am very tempted to upgrade my subscription to "Private Mode," and begin messaging women, and the only thing stopping me is Goal #1: Live life with 100% honesty. No lies. No exceptions.

But still: I am very tempted to lie and start engaging with women on match.com.

When I was married I secretly enjoyed the adreneline-rush of cheating on my wife, and I am now starting to see that same pattern emerge with my GF.

Also, I am buying weed today for the first time in 6 months, which is a huge sexual trigger for me, especially for P and M. I am telling myself that I can use it occasionally, and that I am strong enough to resist P and M, now that I have abstained nearly 6 months. I am reminded of that saying: "Pride cometh before the fall."

So this new chapter in my life involves some potentially significant slippery slopes. I realize that I am risking going backwards, being the guy I was 6 months ago: dishonest, selfish, deceitful, reckless, promiscuous, lonely, isolated, unhappy, addicted to PMO, weed, alprazolam, sex, and women.

My mind tells me that I won't go back to living that life, because I am older, wiser, stronger...that I can control it, but to me that kind of sounds like a heroin addict convincing himself that he can do heroin again, without getting addicted.

I know women love the beach, and the gym, so the mere thought of meeting super-attractive women on match.com, and at the gym, and then inviting them for a drink along the beach, then possibly inviting back to my apartment, is absolutely thrilling, and more possible than ever.

So this means I'm eventually going to have to truly commit to my GF, or tell her that I no longer want to be exclusive. She has, by her very own admission recently, advised that she is falling in love with me.

 

Great share as usual bro.

In my experience what i deeply want from relationships is deep intimacy - this way I can evolve and see my own shadows and becoming a more loving being, also to have someone to share magical moments with and to reflect with.

I find that depth and quality come through commitment - So I love to ask what would be your dream partner? Would she be looking at other profiles? or would she be ALL IN?

I think it is good advice to BE who we want to have as our partner.

Also I know many people say take thing slow and look for signs to see if she is the right fit before committing but in my experience I just dive right in- because if she is the one (To be with for a while or ever) I rather find out sooner than later -

Also I share if you doubt yourself with P and M because of weed - what condition can you put in place to help you? May be you can make a public promise to us or to have someone you can msg if you feel a stron urge, but do something because you have come to 6 months which is a big deal - and it is so easy to slip and go back to zero.

So as some one who love to see you expand I suggest you be safe than sorry and do whatever you can (a new condition) to make sure you will not relapse given the fact that weed is going to put you in an altered state of consciousness.

 

Checking in. Still no PMO. So busy at work and excited by work that I haven’t had any temptation.

 

158

Feeling insanely good lately - keeping myself busy with appointments every day with new friends and connection calls

New job starting next week - Even though the world seems to go through some challenging times, I am going through such positive shifts - I keep the world in prayer.

What helped me...

1. Stop watching the news totally directing my mind first thing in morning to inspiring guys like Tony Robins, Peter Diamandis
2. Start intermitted fasting 4 pm to 8pm
3. Keeping meditation 3-4 times per day
4. Running every morning and working
5. Cold showers every day
6. Tracking sleep times.

I am doing a course called ACIM which is contemplations through the day, keeeping my mind focused on God and the minute i notice resentment and anger towards some one around me, I go to the word of the day and pray - Been working really well.

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group

I realise its full but if a space becomes free, thanks

 

Space is full but people arent active so maybe @persona2903 we can remove some inactive people or put them on quarantine lol and add the people who are ready to rock now - until they come back

 

I am new here, 40 years old, i need an accountability partner and maybe a mentor. I need help

 

Thank you.

 

Broke up with the GF yesterday and have since M'd and smoked weed.

I'm learning a lot about the woman (women) I truly desire.

Just trying to view life as a learning experience at this point.

Work has been a struggle. I have nearly completely stopped trying to make a sale and at least meet my quota. Been nasty-slow and I really don't seem to care that much. I have a job and I am grateful and I will bounce back strong, one way or another.

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group

how do I set up a counter for how many days I have