35 and older accountability, Group 2

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by persona2903, Nov 13, 2019.

  1. Barakah

    Barakah Fapstronaut

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    Hey
    Day 2 today. I feel better
    I listened to many AA stories and It helps to realize that God makes miracles in people's lives
    Also im in vacation since Wednesday. I have a lot of free time to meditate, do the 12 steps. I meditated for more than 30 minutes per day since.
     
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  2. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    That’s great work. I need to follow your lead tomorrow. It’s been my mom’s birthday and been putting myself second and losing focus.
     
  3. Barakah

    Barakah Fapstronaut

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    Yeah there was a time when I was doing 30 minutes of meditation in the morning and 10 / 15 minutes after midday and it helped me a lot to improve my nofap streaks

    Also as a result of step 3 I try to spend more time trying to help others or connecting to God, put myself in the second place for a couple of minutes a day
     
  4. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    I should have done that today. My wife and I had a fight and she is asking for more time together and I’m asking for her to stop asking me to help out with her house projects. That frustration and resentment sent me into the idgaf mode and binged. Sucks. I just get lazy and have a hard time staying connected when things are good until it’s too late and things are bad and I use.
     
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  5. persona2903

    persona2903 Fapstronaut

    Hi! I am from South America, here we are in the middle of winter. Particularly where I am, the average temperature is between 15 and 8 degrees Celsius ... so it is cold but not so cold. How about the temperature where you live?
     
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  6. Huw980

    Huw980 Fapstronaut

    Girlfriend away at the moment and lapsed on pmo last night but doing better than last time she went away . Have managed to stay connected to reality focussed on other goals inspite of lapse . Again it’s smoking weed leads me straight to it . Think I’m developing a bit more resilience /caring less about what others think which could reduce the crippling avoidance that leads to more pm use after a lapse .
     
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  7. Huw980

    Huw980 Fapstronaut

    sounds familiar what is idgaf
     
  8. persona2903

    persona2903 Fapstronaut

    I hope to update the ranking tomorrow or the day after, it would be very convenient for all of us to update the counters (remember that it is a condition of the group to have the counter enabled and updated).
    I take this opportunity to encourage those who are going through difficulties that make them fall into PM ... be strong and count on our help! And congratulations to all who are achieving and exceeding their marks!
     
  9. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    I don’t give a “f...”
     
  10. Barakah

    Barakah Fapstronaut

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    Relapsed today and yesterday
     
  11. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    Back on it tomorrow.
     
    Barakah likes this.
  12. Pretty cool! i'm in canada - here gets really cold minus 20 to 30 Cel in winter :) now its about + 25
     
  13. Something interesting has been happening, every time i see a girl or a female figure i am reminded of god and to pray - Its become an interesting reminder to go to god.

    THere is more and more choice/freewill to not engage. I'm more aware of my subtle thoughts of resentment, it gets really interesting. I notice how subtling my ego tries keep others in bondage by judgments. Awareness is increasing to notice evne the smallest judgmetns and I notice the people i dont like and try my best to think positively about them and asking for forgivness for my judgments and wishing them the things i want for myself such as true peace, freedom from lust and craving and negativities.

    Meditation mid day is now becoming a neccesity - days I dont do it I really feel the suffering of my ego. Where as in the first half of th eyear i had to use force to renounce my pleasures to sit and meditate, now its shifted, I naturally want to do it like i want to take a shower or drink water its so important for my wellbeing.

    Every thing flows and there is gladness when i take the time for God first before every thing else.
     
  14. Huw980

    Huw980 Fapstronaut

    I wrote this while I was struggling the other night don’t know if it resonates , sorry if it comes off as pretentious it’s just how I write :
    If i watch porn tonight that will lessen the chance of me seeing clearly tomorrow to make a good decision. I am hiding in the unknown if I watch porn tonight . As someone who already lack clarity is blurry ‘demonic’ my choice to use porn tonight will have a radical effect on clarity . Long term clarity problems lead to a scratch which leads to a lingering mist and thence a complete glaze . Thousand yard gaze seen too much frozen watchfuklenness so appealing but incapable of discerning and knowing what I want ..... vague if I watch porn tonight vague and ditsy and cranky and Pervy.

    That is so dangerous for me cause I have a real girl a real other trying her best to connect and I am doing my best to disconnect . It’s a torture of repetition that goes on and on hard to break free from needing a moment by moment nonchalance about desire . It ages us it formed us it is us

    And if I watch porn tonight surely it will just defer the endless uncertainty, make me create a projection of an imagined organised together person that I am not . I am waging war with myself . Maybe this is part of the appeal of porn it’s just me with my fantasies . Young boy on his own self stimulating- big achievement for early difficulties with stimulation from his personal other (mum as dismissive of me) . Massive cognitive exagoration of the value of self -stimulation and undervaluing of the risks ; unconsciously rejecting others left right and centre by smell by look ; programmed to do so. No need to go outside the self stimulating self just stuck within , having repetitive dreams full of angst/despair about the projection ; desperate for acceptance from him . Desperate to prove myself to him desperately scared of his rejection but unable to make a case for him not to leave me then descent into perverseness ,unable to see that he is just another part of me ; acceptance that this self stimulation is the way for me . Daily life helped by sedatives as seeking self stimulation ; not being able to want to say no to this brain magic . Kept in a position of wanting to please , but only an imaginary other

    Not accepting self therefore not able to accept others coming into contact with self ; hidden , desolate that goes with angst , stormy inside but dead outside , more of a crust than a glaze . A crusty glaze he fell into -deep encrusted dry a frozen despair etched on his face vaguer and vaguer as years passed by.

    The self acts corporally at some point . Obvious developmental changes adolescence and the delay of it waiting for the body to change , compensating with self-stimulation . Discovery of wanking . Massive surge of desire hormones reinforces self as main stimulater . The rules that the self gives itself about stimulation being a self for self experience embed corporally .


    I was a pervert at boarding school this is where it first happened for me , strange to be already a pervert at the time when others were celebrating their sexual health . Already at 16 turned on but afraid of girls and from much younger always obsessed with touching self

    The way out is ambient music and meditation and Scandi noir
     
  15. I am noticing a new shift

    Im now able to see, speak to and connect w/ attractive women without lust and it feels os powerful. I noticed I'm able to consciously choose to see another women as a friend and not have that constant desire to seduece her or see her through the lens of lust and to be able to just appreciate beauty more like a child/innocently. Its still a process, not perfect, but i'm noticing the changes.
     
  16. Barakah

    Barakah Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys
    DAY 7 for me

    I haven't post theses last few days because my phone is broken
    I still meditate 30+ min a day and it's very helpful
    I should soon be at the step 5 of the 12 steps. Made a lot of progress with the forgiveness process
     
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  17. Wow nice work!

    how many days has it been to meditate ?

    Do you keep track of it?

    I am tracking my top essential routines and it has been very helpful.
     
  18. persona2903

    persona2903 Fapstronaut

    Congrats to @Espi1971 for having obtained the 9 Month Sash of Persistence!!!
    [​IMG]

    Congratulations to everyone on their efforts to move forward! The ranking of post 1 is already updated
     
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  19. AMAZINGGGGG - i love that 9 image :D

    Man its like yesterday we all started together and almost a year is gone.
     
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  20. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    I have 5 days again. Back to work today from vacation. Now it’s back to coping with stress and boredom and focusing on meaningful living.
     
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