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Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by persona2903, Nov 13, 2019.
I have read the rules and would like to join this group.
Thanks for coming into share. Had big fight with my wife and in the past that would mean excuse to use but I’m trying to avoid that. It’s hard to avoid those old crutches.
I have read the rules and would like to join this group
Hard mode for now. I’m not in a relationship or anything but that could change.
Just a quick check in here. Today has been a challenging day with lust. I wrote more in my journal. The first time it's happened like this since day 0. But since days 19-21, it has been easier until today I believe.
My goal is no PMO but I would mainly like to quit P, but if I MO, it will lead to P. And I'm not married, so, no wife, no relations.
Today it's like my body has experienced strong lust but I will make it through today. Hoping for an easier tomorrow.
I saw my name in the top 20, it appears I’m part of the group now, so I’ll check in by telling everyone what project I’m working on:
I’m doing a 6 month/24 week, positive change challenge. The idea is to try and radically change my life for the better in 6 months. The significance behind 6 months is: I want to start online dating come October 1st, but before I feel I can, need to grow up and make some fast radical life changes for the better.
My accountability partner for this project is my sister, and I check in with her once per week; every Friday, and tell her two things: what new challenge I’m beginning for the new week, but I also have to admit publicly to her if i failed to do any of the previous weeks challenges.
The idea is that each week rolls into the next week like a snowball effect. Until I hit 24 consecutive weeks of this (6 months), and have 24 positive new changes that I’m doing to help transform me into a better person. And also, each new challenge needs to be realistic, a positive change I can incorporate for a lifetime. But if I happen to stumble on one of the weeks, I just admit to my accountability parter that next Friday that i did, and what challenge it was, and get back on the wagon and try again.
I just started this project last week, so for example: week 1 challenge was: Weight training 3 days per week. So just like it sounds, I have to now weight train 3 days per week. I belong to a gym, and had a trainer put together a training program for me, and work the program with me so i know what I’m doing, so that’s week 1. This Friday, will be the start of week 2; at which time I will tell her the next challenge, which will most likely be no PMO. I’m currently clean now. But i’m hoping that, the fact that now, I'll have to tell my sister every time I jerk off and look at porn, that that will be a good deterrent to help me just say NO the next time I’m tempted. It’s not a fool proof plan, but I think it will help.
I’ll likely be using this group as further accountability parters with this 6 month challenge. I’ll tell you guys the new challenges each week, and if I stumble on any of them I’ll post that as well.
PS: on the top 20 list it says I’m at 160 some days, that is that correct. I’m at day 5, but I’m sure persona will fix that.
Oh, and PPS: what are some good weekly challenges that you guys think I should incorporate onto the 23 challenge spots that are left?
Day 35 no MO + 0 days no P ...
I don't want to write this post but I went too close to the line and I crossed the line and looked at P. I can see for me this time it is a common pattern from the past. The strong lust I wasn't able to fight off. My thoughts/fantasies start getting more out of control, then I'm clicking around searching for triggers. I start down a path and I know what I'm trying to find.
This time I found it, clicking on things I shouldn't click on. Then I backed out of it. I'm out now and immediately posting here. No PMO binge, no MO. But I saw very few P images.
I'm still somewhat on track but technically in violation so I reset my counter.
Right now I'm just worried trying to snap out of it so I don't lose anymore ground and fall into worse.
Been going through a challenging couple of weeks mainly due to work and decisions around money. Summer is coming and feeling lonely at times but overal feeling hopeful and many great breakthroughs at work and career and new friendships forming.
Took a couple of rest days feeling better now feel inspired to rise early again and to be more disciplined with daily workouts and study for work.
You did not go into a binge of any kind. Many lesser men would have.
I had a great night of intimacy with the wife. We talked about our problems in that area over the weekend. We fought about it. She’s recovering from weight and body image issues. She’s still obese. I’m a porn addict. We love each other deeply but these are the worst areas of our marriage. I haven’t done any satisfying of her during covid and I’ve failed as a husband in that. I’m having to deal with that grief and admitting that failure. She’s having to deal with not putting in the effort to be attractive during covid wfh, being obese, and the shame of my rejection of her by not giving her the attention she deserves.
I often forget in my blaming her that I failed too. She is the most wonderful, loving, full hearted, gentle, forgiving, and willing to grow wife. And my rejection of her as a sexual being is one of the deepest wounds I’ve given her. Maybe the deepest. I want her to live her fullest happiest and most complete life for herself and she wants to be viewed as a sexual woman that is desired and I have done a lot to keep that from her.
I hope that the progress and focus I make in recovery and being more accountable to her in that area can help heal those wounds and give her a part of her life that only I as her husband can give.
I love that your AP is your sister and you have that relationship to share with her. Really lucky to have that between you.
I know you will find the answers to your problems. Having seen you in here for so long, you have a way of figuring out the answers for yourself.
So a couple of nights ago I was reading a graphic novel (for those of you who are uninitiated, graphic novel does not mean a porno story. It is basically a very long comic book with pictures. The graphic novel was “From Hell,” a fictional story related to jack the ripper. I was into the first 20 pages of it and before I new it, I was basically looking at a graphic porno scene between 2 characters. At the time, I planned on finishing this graphic novel so that I could knock it off my reading list; so I just read through the scene avoiding the graphic pictures with my eyes for the most part. But there was a 10 second period where my eyes did look over the graphic details of the pictures. Arousal kicked in, I realized immediately this graphic novel is not something I should be reading at this time, so I put it down, never looked at the pictures again, and brought it back to the library.
Personally, I do not call this a relapse, probably a little setback, but not a relapse. I had no idea that scene was coming, it was completely random when I came upon it. The pictures were in black and white, published in 1980, and it’s not like the artist was Leonardo La Vinci.
I’m only writing this post because, the last 24 hours I was wondering, in the back of my mind, If I did something bad. But having thought about it, more than anything, I feel like rewarding myself: because I had the focus to pretty dam quick, just shut the book and put it down. And when Arousal kicked in, I just brought awareness to it, acknowledged it was happening, let it fade away, and got on with my night.
But I’m not resetting my day counter because i don’t believe it’s necessary. Just wanted to write little about it in this public forum. You guys don’t even have to respond to this post if you don’t want because there’s nothing really to discuss. Well, that’s enough of that. Moving on.
That's the gold in your post, right there. That same process time and again leads to success.
Back to day 0:
Long story short ...
Bad news: I PMO and reset my counter today.
Good news: It was minimal soft P and P subs and a medium (not a normal large) binge. I feel the damage is still minimal so far. Not the full on binges that were more frequent just over 35 days ago.
I'll be writing in my journal soon.
I thought so as well. It seems the more victories one can put together in a row, the stronger they get.
Thanks brother - very kind of you to reflect that back, and very glad to see you still here and making progress
I think it sounds more like a slip up than a reset. You are on hardmode so don't forget you aren't back to square one. Far from it. You've made loads of progress.
Completely agree. I see the times I feel aroused as an opportunity to do some brainwork and steer my brain in a different direction. The more I do this the more the brain will gravitate in that direction naturally.
A former hardcore drug addict, or alcoholic who is currently on sobriety, can probably look back on their life and easily see all the red flags accumulating over the years before they fell out of control completely. I would definitely call myself a PMO addict. In fact, I have been binging on PMO for easily the last decade straight. Once I got my own laptop, and did not have to share the family computer anymore, I was hooked on porn.
But I also was heavy into chatrooms for awhile to. Would go in there, and end up having phone sex with married woman (or at least they claimed to be married).
A long time ago right out of high school, used to work at a movie theater; and would jerk off in the movie theater (though that’s pretty normal right?).
But back in high school, not only was I jerking off in the bathrooms at school, but I was also looking at dirty pictures (sometimes) on the internet in the school library on the school computer. Same thing in college, except in college, I got more daring and printed off some of those dirty pictures on the school printer.
Countless times jerking off while driving. Having phone sex with a married woman (not my wife) on the high way while driving.
Hope this post aint to graphic. But just thought I’d share some of my stupidity.
Anyone got me beat on the stupid train?
PS: a lot of that stuff is several years old.