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Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by artifact, Nov 24, 2018.
I completely agree. It's awful to think of how I have wasted/destroyed through PMO. As you say, the stress of keeping up the pretence that "everything is fine" is intense.
Might be wrong, but I read "echo system" as "ecosystem".
Thanks @magvor...how does this group work then? Do we post each day or just when we need to? Thanks for adding me
Personally, I've been posting as and when I need to. Sometimes that's every day, or even several times a day. Other times, I will go a number of days between posts. It all depends on where I am with things - how much support I need.
Day 5 , so far so good.I feel good and no erges at all the last days.Deleting an ig account which i was rarely using but was always in the back of my mind has been very helpful.
I have some questions for the members that achieved the 90 days , or the six months challenges(@Pirate3819, @Raskolnikov II, @discovery).I remember myself watching you on the top of the list and thinking that these guys have finally managed to get rid of this addiction but it looks like some of you are struggling lately.I am interest more about the traps and the triggers after been clear for so long.How did they affected you when you relapsed?And after your relapse how easy or hard it feels for you to make the same streak again?
Do you think it's only natural to pm sometimes after a big streak?I am looking forward to your replies.
Looks like you tagged magvor when you really meant artifact- he is the boss of this group. So you must post at least once a month in order to stay in the member ranking on post #1. And after that, you can post as much as you want.
I feel like the more you do this, the better you will get at it. Your brain fixes itself more and more with each streak and puts you in a better place for the next one. Pretty much the same as learning any other skill. Once you reach a certain point, the success comes more from habit than from willpower.
To the second question, of course. The only way not to is if your streak goes on until your death. I am realistic and accept that my streak will end at some point and I will PMO after that. And I may even take a while to get started on a new streak. But I also know that I will be in a much better position to start that new streak than I was when I started the previous one. Hope that helps.
P-Subs are what got me. I remember laying on the couch reading book and then a little urge hit. I reached for my phone and pretty soon I was looking at porn. It has been very difficult to get back on track since then. I don't know why exactly. I will say that during that streak, I felt good most of the time. My brain was becoming much better at dealing with sexual urges in a positive way, meaning letting them go. I had less shame, less anxiety, a little more confidence.
It's obviously very natural and okay to have sexual desires and urges but we addicts don't handle them well, and unfortunately it can take a long time for our brains to rewire to some sense of normalcy. The relapse did show me personally that there's unlikely any way for me to PM once in awhile - I don't think my brain can do the moderation thing. My goal is not to get rid of sexual desires altogether (I still want a sexual relationship with my wife) but to learn that I don't truly need sex and that I certainly don't need to act on urges like a fiend. If I can be disciplined with that for a long time, I think my brain can create new habits and I will be in control of my sexual self. At that point, I'll be able to laugh at an urge rather than go to my very local drug dealer (phone, computer) for a fix.
One thing that did help me during my streak was thinking in terms of my senses. When an urge hit, I kept it away from my senses - sense of feel (no edging) and sight being the two sense most used. I got pretty good at that and urges would be much more fleeting. They wouldn't be near as strong and they would leave on their own fairly quickly. I don't have any advice for how to do that though.
I just this morning realized what a P-sub was and the effect it could have on me...internet sidebar ad for women's gym wear and a bikini babe popped up. I looked, and looked, mmm that looks nice...and then realized my mind was starting to wander towards the rabbit hole...click that and I'll just look at the workout apparel...riiiiight. The pending potential sequence of events knocked me right between the eyes. Holy sh1t this ain't where I want to go. I steered clear and got back to work. The ADHD kicked in and couldn't focus so I diverted here to check in.
Strong work. P-subs are dangerous for sure.
I'm a mess. Hours a day again. I don't even feel human.
I got a job that pays much more than I've ever made before. And yet, working at home I can spend more than half the day with porn chatrooms. I'm risking so much.
I don't know what I'm thinking. I had some work to do tonight on the computer. Probably spent about 45 minutes working and 3 hours with porn chatroom.
Hey man, I know what you're going through. 10 years ago I was exactly like this, even watching porn at offices in some jobs where I would be by myself in an empty office for days sometimes. Luckily I got myself in control to a certain extent and now the last time I watched anything for more than 30 minutes was 6 months ago. But I still really struggle with working behind the computer and not falling for distractions.
In fact, just this morning, I spent the last hour watching the news, music sites, Facebook, etc. when I should have been working. Sometimes I think my ADHDish brain (not diagnosed, but still) is just not able to cope with the internet and its endless temptations.
I wish I wasted time doing things I like. I would feel so good to say I used Facebook and the news instead
I’ve written an entire book using time that could have gone to P at night. I’ve been making some of the same mistakes recently like staying up all night writing, but it’s much better feeling productive. I don’t have the brain fog and it’s not hurting me the next day like a bad binge would. It’s crazy how much time and energy we can waste on P.
I feel like you are on the edge of recovering or having to really hit rock bottom in a way none of us wants to.
Picture getting fired and throwing the best paying job you have ever had away from P. Picture job hunting during COVID and how many people would love your job right now.
Some tough love here, but you have gotta at least be a functional addict as step 1. Never PM during time you are supposed to work. People are counting on you. I know you can do this! It’s important and you can do it. Laptop in the noisy kitchen with headphones if you need to.
When I stay up late and fall into PM I’m not as good at my job. I beat myself up good about that and I think that’s fine. There are boundaries society says you shouldn’t break with P and that’s a good place to start recovery. Never break those boundaries.
If I mess up fap and get out of it. Don’t stretch that stuff for hours. The escape from reality is the draw if you are like me, but the ability to drag that out longer and longer will take away everything.
I think you are doing well my friend, but don’t gloss over the risks. Your team knows when you are sucking and when you are being a rock star more than you’d like to think they do. Imagine what will happen when they see more of your A game?
Keep it going! You’ve got this.
Today is day 15. 2 weeks officially.
Looking forward to 1 month, which is my next milestone.
@David2018 that’s posted with love my brother. That’s the kind of self pep talk that’s helped me try to keep it from effecting my work.
I’m in a rut with my own traps and don’t worry in the end we all fight the same beast. That’s just some self dialogue that has really helped me I the past and continues to today.
I don’t know if this is healthy, but if I recognize I’m going to screw up I just get in get out, login and reset my counter. Even though I’m not happy to have only had 2 60 day streaks to show for the last year, I do feel like P is getting less of a grip on me. If feels like progress to me but I’d rather see long counter streaks.
Congrats! You shook out of the post reset funk quickly. You are rolling!
Ok first proper post here...great to be in this Accountability Group with all of you warriors! I'm happy to say that my streak is continuing and I am currently having no cravings for PMO and almost 20 days now which is my longest for ages....before I was just doing no P and still doing M and edging but starting to realise that it's much better to just not touch my penis at all or as limited as possible and this certainly helps me to keep more control and stay away from P...which is ultimately my goal.
How long before we are rebooted or how do we know when we have rebooted?
Thanks! What is PIED?