35 and Older Accountability Group

Well well said

 

Thanks. I get what you're saying about facing that I'm an addict, no way around it. It's finding the specific coping techniques that I'm still struggling with. I too go from being really focusing on it and being aware of every possible trigger to hardly thinking about it at all because the triggers have almost no power anymore. But the worst relapses come in this second phase, when almost nothing triggers me anymore until all of a sudden something does after all, and I'm sucked back into the rabbit hole again. I have to find a technique that prepares me for all these situations.

I did come up with something yesterday. I realised that there are 3 lies I tell myself constantly and these lies are at the root of my addiction. And if I catch myself thinking even 1 of these lies, I know I'm preparing myself for a new relapse of PMO - it can be that same day, it can be later this week, it can even be in a few months, but it will come if I meditate on these lies and if I believe in them. So now I'm gonna try to write down these 3 lies every morning in a special diary, so that when I catch myself thinking them I'll recognise it better and know the danger of it. These are my lies:
1. I'm a piece of shit
2. Looking at female bodies is a source of happiness
3. The internet can take me away from my current situation

 

I rebooted yesterday and everyday this week. It's getting very depressing.
Started work early this morning. Went a chat site twice but closed it. Barely managing to avoid it.

 

"So maybe one more time"...That's the most common trap and when thoughts like that are coming it's difficult to resist.
We can't be focused 100% every day.life is not easy.But when the weakness comes we shouldn't punish ourselves after we give up ourselves on them .

Worth spending 7:30 minutes watching this..

 

But you did avoid PMO? Good for you! Come to this site instead to divert your attention and seek support. If you want an AP send me a DM.

 

But you did avoid PMO? Good for you! Come to this site instead to divert your attention and seek support

Good progress my friend! Exactly how do these lies set up a trigger for you? (I'm a big fan of #2 - so very interested to know your thought process on that one.)

 

I would guess you need more things to start doing in your daily life.You can't just quit pm replacing it with nothing.Find a new hobby maybe or start doing something that you abandoned at the past..You still need to get some pleasure from some things, you are a human.
I realised i used to love doing many things before my pm habbits got worst.Going out at nights, traveling, proramming,working out,creating music,going haunting, reading books, playing video games and fucking flirting with real women where some of them.I am sure you had a lot of hobbies too.You can start doing some of them again!
I pushed myself so much in the begining to restart doing them,can you beleive it?All of them sounds like they are a lot of fun but in the begining it was like i couldn't find any interest at all.But after a year trying i can tell you i am enjoying again all of them.So it may take some time but it's worth trying.
If you have family dedicate some more time with them or try to meet your friends daily if it's posible.The idea is to keep yourself busy while doing something that excites you and worth doing.

 

Yes, I used to have a lot of interests or things I spent more time on than I do now. I used to read so many books. Now I do at a snails pace. Will be good to get off the computer and waste time with something I enjoy. I do feel good about avoiding it the few times I thought about going to a chatroom today.

 

Ah, I thought it was self evident? Well, first of all the reason why they are lies:
1) I am not a piece of shit, because nobody is
2) Even though there is evidently nothing wrong with female bodies, just looking at them does not give me any pleasure. In fact, in reality, it either leaves me cold or it arouses me, in which case I want to do more than look and just looking is actually just really frustrating.
3) In general, all online content, be it P or social media etc. is fake and unfulfilling. When I reach for my phone in times of stress or depression, all I do is delay the stress/depression because when the distraction is finished, it's all still there - which it wouldn't be if I had instead spend that time dealing with the negativity.

So, I basically spend a lot of my time talking myself into a depression (1) and then trying numb that depression by distracting myself with the idea of sex by searching for erotic videos, pictures or stories (2) or watching other bullshit online (3).

Now, I've come to realise that when I keep believing these lies, I'm gonna keep these habits going. So when I start the morning with self-deprecating thoughts, or I catch myself spying at the neighbours in the shower or I spend half an hour scrolling through my Instagram timeline, I'm enforcing these lies and this habit.

Unless I stop doing all three, I don't know how I'd ever kick this habit. If I manage to realise I'm not a piece of shit, I might still become a sex addict or a narcistic social media poster. If I manage to realise fake eroticism is really not working, I just go spend more looking at social media or online news.

BTW I just had the third relapse in a row this week, so the insight is not leading to me avoiding any of it yet. But I know what the problem is.

 

Good sir - thanks for explaining in more detail. Especially #2 from which I learned something about myself in terms of looking at women (online or IRL) - the resulting frustration can be a real trigger for me.
You seem to be very self-aware and insightful about your life - that's impressive. Knowledge of the problem is the key first step so you are good there. One of the tools I've used for a number of my bad habits is to create time/space between the stimulus and my response. I guess you could say I put myself in "time-out" and do/say/think absolutely nothing for a period of time (ten seconds, go to another room - whatever it takes), then I return to the situation in front of me with more awareness and ability to utilize my coping tools. Another thing is what I call "fast forward to my past". So when the prospect of engaging in addictive behaviors or any bad actions, I play through the whole scenario (the "PMO routine" for example) and imagine how I will feel when that act is complete and I am looking back at it. that can result in a pretty ugly picture of myself that helps me avoid acting out and staying sober. Stay strong.

 

Day 1

 

Thank you. Yes, I know I have this ability to observe myself and analyse my behavior in an intellectual way, maybe more so than other people do. On the other hand, actually changing my behavior is something different entirely and sadly I'm really not very good at that. So I've been seeing myself fail and fail for years without managing to change as radically as I wish I could.

These techniques you describe I have often used successfully in the past. Where it goes wrong for me is that I forget to apply these techniques every single time. So I might be able to avoid a relapse 3, 4 times during the day like this, but the 5th time I lose my mindfulness and get swept up with it - like today again, sadly, for the third f*ck*ng time this week.

But I have to focus on the progress that I am indeed making. I'm frustratingly slow, but I'm getting there.

 

Thursday check in. Been away - so good to get away, even for 2 nights.

 

Day 10
I had urges hitting me so hard, but i was able to pass them and still strong at the end of the day

 

Good for you. How did you manage to pass them off? Stay strong!

 

First i used the rubber technique, you can check it that link below
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/deafeat-urges-in-a-fast-and-easy-way.284514/
then i stood up and moved and changed my place and interacted with somebody.

 

Checking in.

 

Checking in