35 and Older Accountability Group

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by artifact, Nov 24, 2018.

  1. No, that is not allowed. Thanks for pointing this out.

    @Merry Terry if you read the rules, you know that it is required for group members to have a sincere goal of no PM or no PMO so that we are all on a relatively equal footing. If you want your goal to be no P but allowing M, that is your choice but I will have to remove you from the member ranking. I will give you a day or two to respond and change your counter back if you want to remain in the ranking.
     
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  2. @magvor - congrats on your 30 days yesterday! Hope all is well.
     
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  3. Nash78

    Nash78 Fapstronaut

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    It's a good discussion about the goals of the group. I understand that PM or PMO is a goal, but what about the following situations such as, a) nocturnal emission, b) masturbating but stopping before ejaculation and c) Peeking on 1-2 scenes of porn then come to senses and stopping it. I don't re-start counter for a, but for b and c. What would you consider relapse?
     
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  4. It is basically up to each member to police themselves and be honest in their efforts. When they start blatantly violating rules in an obvious way, I will step in and take action. I was cutting Merry Terry some slack on his p-subs during his long run and obviously he was conflicted over whether they were a violation of his goals. Nocturnal emission could be considered a violation of "no O" if that is one of your goals (which is why made my goal PM instead of PMO) but a group member has said he doesn't think that should count. I don't know who's right. Peeking at porn without M is a violation of "no porn" but not a "no M" goal. Masturbation with or without orgasm is always going to count as a relapse (although some members may not fess up to it) in this group because refraining from M is our main goal. A lot of nofap is uncharted territory and sometimes the answers are not cut and dried, so I try not to be a dictator in this group.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2021
  5. Merry Terry

    Merry Terry Fapstronaut

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    Ah, fair enough, I didn't think of that when I changed my goal. To be honest, I'm simply experimenting to see what works. As you know, when I was trying for 90 days of not M'ing to P, I just ended up failing and failing until the moment that I decided I was gonna stop counting peeking-without-touching as relapses. I needed to give myself some slack on one end in order to reach victory on another. And peeking at P or P-subs without touching myself also taught me a lot about the nature of that type of content and really made me lose a lot of interest in any of it. So it was a useful experiment.

    This time around, however, my goal is to not look at any type of P or P-subs, but since I now have the experience of reaching success partly thanks to giving myself some slack in another area, I want to allow myself to M, if I want to. However, I'm already discovering that M'ing without any kind of external stimuli feels rather pointless, so I'm probably hardly ever going to do it. But if that means I don't fit in this group anymore, then I totally understand. As you said yourself, we're all experimenting with this stuff, and to each his own.
     
  6. Timber

    Timber Fapstronaut

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    Again, not my group, but It is almost entirely the only reason I am still on this website.

    I’ve been in this group for a while now and I have seen members, myself included, setting up various goals, including no P only (e.g. creating a manual P tracker for yourself, sober October, etc). This has been welcomed as a helpful resource towards freeing yourself from addiction.

    I believe, the official rankings just mean no PM, but one can stay here for various reasons and set their own priorities and goals.

    I get the purpose of the ranking system too. When I was on my long streaks, it was motivating to be high up on the chart. I am not there now and I don’t find it motivating.

    I have also thinking of setting myself a goal similar to Merry Terry’s, I.e. no P, but I could M twice a month, at least for now.

    For those who are motivated by the top 20, I would like to be taken off the ranks. I will continue contributing, but I just don’t want to dilute the purpose of the top 20. Artifact, please take me off.
     
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  7. raf-is-good

    raf-is-good Fapstronaut

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    To each and everyone who joined in the discussion, questions and opinions, I pay my FULL respect to each one of you and to your shared struggles :emoji_v::emoji_v::emoji_v:

    This level of thoughts and brotherly openness is so motivating to me, and it helps me a lot.

    @artifact Thanks for your kindest of leadership, time and dedication! Good Karma is surely coming your way :emoji_ok_hand::emoji_ok_hand::emoji_ok_hand:

    I wish everyone the best of success :emoji_handshake:
     
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  8. raf-is-good

    raf-is-good Fapstronaut

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    You are sooooooooooo right on this, and I love it that you and others, regardless of being on the list, will always be here, I am on the same page exactly..
     
  9. Merry Terry

    Merry Terry Fapstronaut

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    Hey there, I totally get your point, but as I said in my previous point, I'm trying to see what works, because for me, for a long time, keeping it hardcore simply lead to failure and then the failures lead to depressions which lead to more failures.

    During my streak of 90 days, my logic was this:
    1. My addiction is M'ing to P, not M'ing per se; before I had continuous access to the internet, I'd M maybe 2-3 times a month, sometimes less, and it was not a problem.
    2. However, M'ing and watching P are currently so connected to each other, that even when I M without watching anything, my mind still ends up fantasizing about things I saw before, and those fantasies afterwards lead me to want to watch P again. So I do need to stop M'ing completely for a while.
    3. I've tried to prioritize on not watching any P(-subs) anymore and that just lead to failure after failure; what if I try it the other way around and have not M'ing as the main goal, and therefor not count P(subs)-without-M as a relapse: I'm not doing PM then, which I see as P+M.
    4. Since the goal is after all ending my addiction to P, I also need to stop seeing P as something to be desired and learn to see it for what is. Perhaps M'ing makes the P interesting, and not so much the other way around. See also the advice in the video below.


    Indeed, after trying a few weeks of occasionally seeing something but not acting on it in any way, I found for example that just watching something most of the time didn't even make me hard or anything, I just stayed calm and wondered what the whole fuss was about. Mind you, in the 90 days I never watched any real hardcore P, just occasional peeks at Instagram models or nude scenes in movies.

    So, that was what I did and it taught me a lot and I have zero regrets. Nevertheless, of course I realised that the fact that I couldn't stop myself completely from peeking was and is still a problem, so I reasoned: first I show myself I can not M for 90 days, and when I've done that, I'm gonna prove to myself that I can not watch anything for 90 days. So that's where I'm going now.

    I know there are different opinions about what is the right and the wrong way to do this and if you feel that I'm doing it wrong, then you are completely entitled to that opinion and I might even agree with some of your arguments. I simply tried a lot of different techniques over the last few years and nothing worked, until I got to the logic that I stated above, and then I finally made some real progress. I still have a lot of progress to make, I'm completely aware of that, which is why I'm still here and continuing with some new ideas.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2021
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  10. raf-is-good

    raf-is-good Fapstronaut

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    Excellent train of thought, and if you see my approach, its so similar to yours. After 21 days of no PMO, I willingly gave myself an M present, and went again at it (goal is 3 cylces each 21), with the goal of ridding myself of P completely.

    I understand where you're coming from you put it so nicely (and helpful too).. the video has some interesting points (understanding the problem is the cure.. that is really to the point). Of course each has his own set of circumstances, and I was trying to debate supportively and openly to help, glad you saw it in this light.

    Well, best of luck and looking forward to your precious motivation :)
     
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  11. raf-is-good

    raf-is-good Fapstronaut

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    Phew... this is I guess my 25th days porn-free, with very few limited urges here and now, and I guess I overcame them with:
    a) Strong will
    b) Spiritual and religion efforts
    c) Stoic thoughts
    d) Focusing on being purpose-driven in my life

    Live is sooooooooooooooo much better without P, its so destructive in life its unbelievable..
     
  12. Timber

    Timber Fapstronaut

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    21 day cycles is a great idea. I took 15 day cycle idea from Tolstoy. Apparently he only went to a brothel (I guess this counter for P in the 1800s??) twice a month. I won’t be going to brothels and will do my best to avoid P too. Btw, Tolstoy eventually became almost completely celibate.

    I think celibacy is a beautiful goal but i am not there yet. I remember when I was 8 months into nofap last time, the thought that I would never M made me feel sad. I hope it won’t one day.
     
  13. Nash78

    Nash78 Fapstronaut

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    Just out of curiosity, how easy is it to have 15 days or 21 days cycle? It may be just me but I find it hard to go back to the cycle again after masturbation or orgasm. I generally go on to have a streak of masturbation/orgasm. It’s like a downward spiral for me. I need to be totally out of even small pleasures like few strokes without ejaculation/porn peeking etc. if I want to hold the nofap cycle. I feel like I have less control once I cross my threshold. I learned this chaser effect which I think applies to me.
     
  14. JJ_Kino

    JJ_Kino Fapstronaut

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    We should be here to help each other not compare who is sitting on the top, that's not helpful to anyone.

    The rankings are there for motivation at least for me it is, when I am feeling down and out I just don't look at page 1 because I know I'll be sitting at the bottom of it.

    This is not digging anyone out here, what works for one person might not work for you.. we all in the same boat here no one is better than anyone else, let's just all be positive and help eachother.

    Keep strong , keep going!
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2021
  15. OK Timber, no problem. Different things work for different people. There's no shame in dropping out of the ranking. It was actually just a way of getting people to join my accountability group, and like you said, it adds a little bit of motivation. I have tried the M without P strategy many times in the past without success. I always ended up back in the porn within a week or two. The most success (56 days and over 30 several times) I have had was giving up both M and P together, but I understand that may not work for everybody. Feel free to check in whenever you like. The same goes for you, @Merry Terry.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2021
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  16. raf-is-good

    raf-is-good Fapstronaut

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    It was funny reading your thoughts, Tolstoy surely was lucky ha haaa

    M I believe is natural, we just need to break the link with P, and not overdo M either.

    Best wishes...
     
  17. raf-is-good

    raf-is-good Fapstronaut

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    Well I guess 15 days then M, or 21 days then M, is more in line with two things:
    1) Human nature, in moderation
    2) The agreed upon piece of info that (21 days) is a habit breaker, on average

    Now what HAPPENS "after" the cycle of 21 days is important, would it be one or two days of M in moderation, no P involved.. or a falling into the abyss? That is tough, for me I build upon my past success, so it was a nice "liberating" feeling, one that keeps me forward. Still having a "life purpose" and being "internally driven towards achievement" helped me a lot.

    Being on NoFap helps you FACE you real life problems and inner insecurities, that is the real challenge, I guess running to P is only a symptom and we need to uncover the deeper problems and accept being so uncomfortable while dealing with them heads-on.

    Best wishes :)
     
  18. mrguy

    mrguy Fapstronaut

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    I've had stronger urges to MO the last few days than the previous weeks. Part of it may be because I've gone on a date with a nice woman twice and a third date is going to happen. I'm certainly resisting the urge to MO because a woman deserves to have my masculine energy; my masculine energy will not be expended by myself, nor will I ever give it to digital images ever again.

    Advice and support please!
     
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  19. sjindjin

    sjindjin Fapstronaut

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    Checking in, some relative strong urges to drift to sites and clicks with attractive women, but managed to resist. Three weeks today, so very happy overall. Great to feel that baseline mental energy increase.
     
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  20. Timber

    Timber Fapstronaut

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    that’s the thing. We all tried many different strategies. I’ve tried M without P, I tried no PM, I tried no PMO. All those strategies failed even though some were successful for a while. I think the point is to keep trying, keeping cooling those urges, keep working on yourself.

    I take solace in the Hindu idea that karma just needs to work itself out. The wheels will keep spinning even if we have come to realization that we need to stop. And maybe that’s ok. Maybe the point is to keep trying.
     
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