35 and Older Accountability Group

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by artifact, Nov 24, 2018.

  1. Juxtaposition

    Juxtaposition Fapstronaut

    Checking in...

    I was on track to have completed a full week but last night I relapsed. I know where I went wrong. From day 4 onwards I had moments of peeking and edging. I thought there's no harm in doing it for a moment. But those moments became longer than I intended. Still, I thought its OK if I don't finish.

    Obviously if I start doing this then the urge to keep going back is going to get stronger and PMO Is inevitable.

    So now I start a new streak on the 1st March and I need to be stronger in resisting any touching or peeking. I have this week off work which presents me with more chances to slip up but there's also more opportunity to find healthy ways to unwind and de-stress which will help me overcome urges.

    Looking at the positives - I completed 6 full days, my longest streak this year. I shouldn't have edged and peeked but I managed to stop each time (until the last time) and if I have the strength to stop then I know I have the strength not the start I the first place.

    I'm going to make to do lists every day this week and keep productive.

    I hope you're all managing to stick with your goals. Have a great week everyone.
    Jerky, JJ_Kino, magvor and 3 others like this.
  2. daryl_zero

    daryl_zero Fapstronaut

    Wanttosucceed: I use Freedom, which costs a bit. I also made some alterations to my OS that make it way harder to look at porn--that stuff is more technical, and I wouldn't recommend it to everybody, but it works okay for me...except when it doesn't (see below.)

    I had reset today. I was on a four day streak (not much compared to some other guys here, but pretty good for me,) but I've been feeling very strong urges since last night and I messed up this morning right after my wife left for work. She's up very early for her commute, and I always wake up with her so we can spend a few minutes together, but those hours after she leaves and before my kids wake up are horrible for me. It's loneliness, but it's taken me a long time to admit it. If anybody has any ideas about how to handle this kind of situation, I'd be glad to hear them.

    Still, I'm committed to this process, and I'm ready to try again.
    artifact, Jerky, magvor and 3 others like this.
  3. lowkeysonly

    lowkeysonly Fapstronaut

    I edited my /etc/hosts file with a little personal letter to myself in case I want to relapse I have to read it.
    I also setup porn blocker on my AVM router and added a blacklist there of sites I don't want to be able to visit.
  4. Highlander01

    Highlander01 Fapstronaut

    I have read the rules and would like to join this group
    artifact, Jerky, magvor and 2 others like this.
  5. jaberwaki

    jaberwaki Fapstronaut

    I just want to take a moment and discuss the porn blocker idea. For some they may work well, but for me they ultimately ended up creating a very strange dynamic that often ended up being my downfall. I'm not knocking the idea--I think they're super important, but I also want to detail my experience in case others are caught in the cycle I was. Let me 'splain.

    For years and years I've used various forms of blockers--freedom, editing host files, family safe DNS, accountability filters, etc. And all of them would work for a while--I've consistently had really solid stretches of 3-6mos for years. But what I realized was that it had the psychological effect of externalizing my commitment. There would always be a small, silent part of my brain that was working out how to get around this or that filter, and whenever a loophole materialized--bam. Done. There was literally no stopping myself once I realized a way around the block. It was like I subconsciously had a deal with my addiction--if you can find a way around the filter, you get to feast until I find a new way to block you. It became an escalation battle. As each filter fell, I had to get more creative in blocking myself. At one point I even had my wife take away my administration privileges on my own computer. What I've realized that meant was that I never fully took ownership of my addiction or truly allowed myself to hate it as I need to--instead I created an environment where I was always longing for P, knowing it was bad for me but desperate to have it. Porn blockers made porn the forbidden fruit. I hated myself for it, because I truly felt out of control, and that the only way I could have peace was if I could somehow fully block every possible avenue to porn. I just couldn't trust myself otherwise.

    Then probably the best thing that could ever have happened, happened: I found a way around any and every blocker. My addiction had finally done it, located the skeleton key, all doors unlocked and there was nothing the rational part of me could do to lock porn access away. I've never had to look so clearly at myself or my addiction than when that happened, and it was fucking terrifying. Obviously, I relapsed and binged, but then there was no 'next filter' to install to make me sane again. I realized it truly was up to me, not any piece of technology. I had to completely own it, 100%, and ask myself straight up, is this what you want to be? Are you going to be a gollum for the rest of your goddamn life?

    Since then I've had unfettered access to pornography--no blockers, no accountability software, nothing. That was 115 days ago. I've used once in that time (hence the counter). But in that time I've also not gone fishing or used psubs, because why bother? Porn's right there, one keystroke away. The danger is real, yes, but so is the choice--I can no longer hide behind oh good thing I have a blocker in place otherwise I would have relapsed. Now, I have to confront it every day, and I can honestly say that in 20 years of battling this addiction, this is the first period of sobriety where I actually feel sober. When an urge hits, nothing is denying me access to it. It's right there, and my brain doesn't have to waste half a day pretending it's fucking Ethan Hunt figuring out how to break into the P-Vault. Which, paradoxically, has made dealing with the urges far, far easier. I don't relapse because I don't want to relapse, not because I'm not able to relapse. The change in that outlook is making all the difference.

    I've spent years thinking this exact situation would destroy me, utterly terrified of the day all my filters failed, but instead I feel the most free from porn that I've ever felt.

    Now, statements like this have a way of making the writer eat their hat awful quickly, and I'm not so confident that I believe I'll never relapse again or have to say those difficult words on this forum--after all, I did relapse once since then. But, this is so life-shatteringly different an experience than any period of sobriety I've had before that I firmly believe that--for me--porn blockers are the wrong approach. They create a false sense of security that allows the addiction to fester and grow, like a bitter, caged tiger who's sick of eating frozen meat and dreams of the day the zookeeper forgets to latch the door behind him.

    For me, the tiger is out there, wild, feral and murderous.

    **Edit. Ironically enough, I do still have time-blockers on Facebook, instagram and youtube. But that's about not wasting time, rather than keeping me safe from fishing. I have no intention of applying the above logic to those sites!
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2021
    sjindjin, Jerky, lowkeysonly and 7 others like this.
  6. Juxtaposition

    Juxtaposition Fapstronaut

    I had the same kind of experience myself. I was paying for a p blocker and when I first downloaded it I thought yes this is it, I don't have to worry about being tempted to search for P because I won't find it.

    I then wanted to test this theory and I downloaded various browsers and looked at different search engines. Most of them blocked P but occasionally I found one that didn't and I would relapse before adding it to the block list. Eventually it became harder to find a loop hole but I became addicted to looking for ways to get around it.

    I got to a point where I couldn't find any more loops holes. This didn't stop me trying, wasting many hours. Eventually however, I found a loop hole that I wasn't going to get blocked because it was through an app that I use alot for socialising. This is when I cancelled my blocker subscription.

    I realised as well that I can't rely on outside sources to physically prevent me from finding P. I need to build the self discipline to stop myself searching. Otherwise it will always end in finding P and relapsing or wasting so much of my time obsessing over searching for it.

    I think blockers can be very effective depending on who is using them but I learned that they are not the right way for me.
  7. daryl_zero

    daryl_zero Fapstronaut

    These are great insights, guys. Blockers (like Freedom) have made me more productive in my work, but they can only slow me down when it comes to porn. Part of what's happening when I reset is that I start probing the defenses, looking for weaknesses, and I get a thrill from breaking through.

    I think I'll ease up on the porn blocking, just enough so I'm not getting the adrenaline kick from evading it. I still need protection from impulsive decisions, but I'll make it so it's not some big triumph ("I found a way around!")
    Jerky, magvor, GottaBFree and 2 others like this.
  8. Highlander01

    Highlander01 Fapstronaut

    Interesting post and a good insight. I’ve popped in and out here for 4 years since finding this great helpful site. When I go Gollum as you aptly name it I tend to completely forget about nofap it’s like it’s temporarily erased from my brain until months later when I finally recognize I’ve fallen back into the pit of despair. (Another movie reference) “I e got to own it” is another apt quote from your post. I see the positive effects very quickly when I quit I need to own my recovery and put the work in.
    Jerky, magvor and JJ_Kino like this.
  9. GottaBFree

    GottaBFree Fapstronaut

    I tried limiting it too but then I'd travel for work and found access itself to he triggering.

    Lots of very successful people use them.
    Jerky, magvor, NICEDUDE and 1 other person like this.
  10. Highlander01

    Highlander01 Fapstronaut

    Jerky and magvor like this.
  11. Highlander01

    Highlander01 Fapstronaut

    Yeah, the ole peek, edge, fool myself trap always snares me eventually, usually pretty quickly. I’ve deleted all my social apps Instagram, FB too much screen time sucks me into the vortex. I’ll keep FB chat as I communicate with people there and I’ll try to pop in here daily as I need the support
  12. bama_lost

    bama_lost Fapstronaut

    ...finding this idea intriguing.
    Jerky, JJ_Kino and magvor like this.
  13. discovery

    discovery Fapstronaut

    This reminds me of something I saw in a documentary about the history of New York City (Ric Burns). In it, former mayor Ed Koch is talking about a moment he had with a voter while he was first running for mayor. An elderly woman came up to him and said "Please Mr. Koch, make New York what it used to be again." And he replied "Maam, it never was what you think it was, but I'll try."

    We can never be objective about the past. Yes, we can post here about how great it was to play Atari, buy actual magazines and make mix tapes off the radio. And those WERE great memories. But at the same time we were also worried about failing at school, hated having to wake up so early to go to class, felt trapped by our parents always telling us what to do, and so many other things. If you could magically go back to that time, it would be just like now. There would be some things you treasure and others that you hate. And those things you think you treasured then, it's more likely that you took it for granted at the time. Twenty years from now you'll be looking at these years now and think about how great they were. I just wish that we could filter reality the same way about the present.

    Haha, I remember that well. And we thought we were so high-tech typing in that command line to play a game, and waiting as the disk drive whirred... lol

    NICEDUDE Fapstronaut

    Checking in... the desire to masturbate and feel the pleasure is still not abating and relapse seems imminent... Jesus be my savior and help me sail through the storm...
    Jerky, magvor, JJ_Kino and 1 other person like this.
  15. Juxtaposition

    Juxtaposition Fapstronaut

    25 days, you're doing great! Keep on track, you have it in you.
    artifact, Jerky, magvor and 1 other person like this.
  16. Checking in on Day 2....I'm realising that PMO is creeping back in more and more so I'm going to post something every day to keep my motivation up. I really do want rid of porn and feel so grateful to have the support of this group.
    daryl_zero, Jerky, magvor and 2 others like this.
  17. JJ_Kino

    JJ_Kino Fapstronaut

    You've come this far, fight through it bro, be strong you've got this.
    NICEDUDE, Jerky, magvor and 1 other person like this.
  18. Juxtaposition

    Juxtaposition Fapstronaut

    I have written a to do list but I'm just sitting here procrastinating and paying attention to my urges (Not looking a p or touching, just lost in the feeling the urges bring). Procrastinating is always a problem for me. Especially when I have a full week off work.
    JJ_Kino, Jerky and magvor like this.
  19. Merry Terry

    Merry Terry Fapstronaut

    Hey, I think I got bumped out, but I would like to join the ranking again, if I'm allowed :)
    I've been struggling since the beginning of this year, when I decided to turn of my SiteBlocker and face myself to stop peeking by choice instead of being forced to. That wasn't as easy as I thought, but I feel I'm on the right track again.
  20. Jerky

    Jerky Fapstronaut

    Just checking in another day.
    NICEDUDE, magvor and JJ_Kino like this.

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