35 and Older Accountability Group

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by artifact, Nov 24, 2018.

  1. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    I haven't checked in here in a while.

    The usual Monday/Tuesday challenge for me. Barely kept out of trouble last night. Trying to stay focused on work projects today. Read some journals here, which generated this thought:

    I am now in a sexless marriage. Rather than try to change that situation with the wife, I accepted it as part of my nofap journey. In fact, I am using it as a platform to evolve myself as a person individually and as a husband in relationship. What do I mean by that? For my entire life my almost hourly existence was concerned with what was happening "below the belt". The amount of time I've spent (by myself) attending to that part of my body is just absurd. Add in the time (pre-planning, actual event, post-game analysis), emotional energy, etc etc spent in sexual activity with a partner (albeit always in the context of several marriages and other LTR's) and it is a wonder I held a full-time steady job!

    My point is that for the first time in my life I am trying not to think of or otherwise be involved with the state of what's in my pants. So I am working hard to improve the non-sex relationship connections with my wife (and re-build the marriage) and in the context of nofap taking all the excess time and energy available to self-improvement or engaging in non-sexual thoughts and activities. For a lifelong sex addict, this hasn't been easy.
     
    Jerky, daryl_zero, GottaBFree and 5 others like this.
  2. sjindjin

    sjindjin Fapstronaut

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    Checking in after a very smooth two+ weeks. No psubs, no edging, no p fantasies. It feels to me like I am very much in control now, despite spending a good few days by myself last week with plenty of spare time. Of course, if one or two things fall the wrong way I might well relapse tomorrow, but it does feel to me for now like it is going as well as it could. I think two things helped this particular attempt. First, not looking at facebook except on a low-threat moment once per week (not in the weekends or evening) has so far removed 99% of sexy content triggers from my internet media consumption. Without those triggers, I have not looked for psubs or p spontaneously. The other thing that helped was that immediately after I relapsed the last time, I forced myself to spend 30+ min looking at my favorite porn in a flaccid and self-disgusted mood. This favorite porn had been on my mind since I started stopping in December: I still had sexual fantasies about it and could not reconcile myself with the idea that I would never see newer updates. It just had a strong pull on me. So, by looking at it after relapsing in that state, I tried to dull that strongly positive association. So far, it worked as I have not felt its pull, have not fantasized about it, and am perfectly at ease with the idea I will never see it again. Incidentally, this is how I stopped smoking many years ago (forced myself to smoke more than I wanted for a week before successfully quitting cold turkey) so that's why I gave it a try. Famous last words, but I do feel this setup is giving me the best chance to not relapse. Let's hope it does.
     
    Jerky, GottaBFree, magvor and 4 others like this.
  3. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    great work man! stay strong.
     
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  4. emanuel_free, NICEDUDE, Jerky and 4 others like this.
  5. I had the exact same experience. I found a way around every single porn blocker program I tried. It became a game that started with the thought: "Let me just check this site and make sure my blocker is working." It basically puts the responsibility for your recovery on the program instead of you. At first the thought of facing the internet without a filter was terrifying, but it turned out to be a blessing because I was no longer wasting all that time trying to figure out how to get around my blocker programs. Plus I started to have more success in my recovery, although my recent track record is not so great. That being said, these time management programs sound interesting and I think I might try one of them out. When I get lazy and start wasting time on sites like Facebook, that leads to seeing something that triggers me and then an unnecessary relapse.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2021
    Jerky, daryl_zero, GottaBFree and 4 others like this.
  6. magvor

    magvor Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    Morning all, checking in
     
    Jerky, GottaBFree, artifact and 2 others like this.
  7. Checking in. Feeling a few difficult emotions today like stress but will not look at P
     
    Jerky, magvor, GottaBFree and 3 others like this.
  8. lowkeysonly

    lowkeysonly Fapstronaut

    I am moody as fuck and slept terrible but I won't seek immedate gratification today.
     
    Jerky, magvor, GottaBFree and 4 others like this.
  9. Merry Terry

    Merry Terry Fapstronaut

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    That's interesting, right? I have often found too that when I start spending more time on my phone, just finding excuses to google something I don't need to know at all, just to be able to have something to distract me - that's often the start that I'm getting in a certain headspace and if I continue there, I will end up relapsing. It may take a few days, weeks even, but that's the start of the slippery slope. The good thing is that Facebook and all these things are still relatively easy to walk away from and turn my behavior around. As soon as I start looking for sexual stuff, it starts getting harder to stop.
     
    Jerky, magvor, GottaBFree and 3 others like this.
  10. Ik2

    Ik2 Fapstronaut

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    I find that I have this too. When I allow myself to mindlessly browse certain websites it puts me in the wrong mindset. It's a mindset that says it is ok to be lazy, it's ok to not work hard, it's ok to not try to improve yourself, it's ok to sit around and do nothing,....And then eventually after a couple of hours, days, or weeks, it becomes it's ok to take a quick peek....
     
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  11. Circleinthesquare

    Circleinthesquare Fapstronaut

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    Wednesday check in. At least I'm out of the house at work for next 2 days.
     
    Jerky, magvor, artifact and 1 other person like this.
  12. jaberwaki

    jaberwaki Fapstronaut

    Exactly. I use a program called "Focus" that lets me schedule when I can access certain sites. It's not perfect, and if it was used for porn it'd fail immediately, but as a restriction on time wasting sites it's perfect. And, yes, there is definitely a link for me between the mindset of 'mindless surfing' and the slippery slope to fishing and then relapse. So, every time-wasting site is blocked except for an hour before work and an hour after. Because I also have a kid it means it's pretty darn hard to access during those times anyway, so it's cut way down on lazy mindless braindead zombie time, which in turn reinforces good habits (might as well do some pushups or play guitar!) which in turn reinforces a stronger willpower.
     
    Jerky, tonyk1982, magvor and 3 others like this.
  13. GottaBFree

    GottaBFree Fapstronaut

    Social media (including this site) are experts are creating small dopamine releases. I think the back of my PM addicted mind knows it would lead to fapping to waste time endlessly. Maybe not in the first 2-3 days, but soon.

    It's funny, if I stay up late working on something, no issue.

    Anyway hey guys, I'm checking in.

    Work is back to crazy busy for the 1st time since COVID. I'm working on finishing writing a novel and sneaking in family time. The days I don't waste time are awesome, but I tend to work till late which ruins the next day.
     
    discovery, NICEDUDE, artifact and 3 others like this.
  14. Small update:

    Working out with more intensity, switched workout schedule to the afternoon so I can workout with the family and maximize my time for work in the morning. Maximizing weekends for upper body and leg workouts.

    Catholic and professional audio books in the car while I drive. Reading during breaks and at bed.

    Investing more in stocks and options and having a blast. Learning a lot. But more importantly investing in my current job and career, going deep into solutions.

    Slowly learning how to spend more time with my wife now that the pandemic is easing and she's willing to go out more.

    Deleted all social media months ago (after listening to Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport), best decision of my life. Never going back.
     
    magvor, artifact, GottaBFree and 4 others like this.
  15. Ik2

    Ik2 Fapstronaut

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    I'm a big fan of Cal Newport, love his books. Can highly recommend digital minimalism. It's not about whether you use technology but how you use it. I feel like him being a computer science professor helps his credibility for writing on the digital minimalism topic. One thing to be careful of when you go the no social media route is to not replace it with other mindless browsing habits. For me reddit can easily become a replacement social media outlet for example.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2021
  16. Jerky

    Jerky Fapstronaut

    Another passing day. Not thinking about anything. Just one moment at a time.
     
  17. Circleinthesquare

    Circleinthesquare Fapstronaut

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  18. lowkeysonly

    lowkeysonly Fapstronaut

    Feeling triggered but I guess it's just tiredness and stress so giing to bed and forgetting that I feel triggered :D
     
  19. Highlander01

    Highlander01 Fapstronaut

    This is a very succinct post, hitting a lot of points I can identify with. Very good for you man, good job. I love finding positive affirming posts like this, so thank you
     
  20. JJ_Kino

    JJ_Kino Fapstronaut

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    Friday morning check in.

    Doing alright, been tempted to have a drink but I how it will end so I swerved it for now.
     
    tonyk1982, magvor, NICEDUDE and 3 others like this.

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