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Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by artifact, Nov 24, 2018.
Reset again. Today i am unmotivated to continue but that will change.
I'm having trouble beginning any kind of significant streak. Sleep deprivation and serious stress are not helping. I keep reminding myself how much better I feel when I'm sober versus a day like today--started out groggy and depressed, reset, then became even groggier and more depressed...I'm getting back on my healthy, productive schedule, starting right now.
Congrats to you and thanks for your participation in the group. You are now a member of the 90 Day Hall of Achievement!
Checking in. The last week has been tough, but I think things are getting better...
Checking in. Staying as busy as possible without it being overwhelming. Making improvements with overall health. Setting new goals and looking forward to the change of seasons. We all have a lot to be thankful for. Everyday above dirt is a good day. Keep fighting, everyone.
Excellent work @jaberwaki. That's a real inspiration to me. So great to hear how much better you feel and that your life is good.
Thanks for sharing and keep going.
Well I relapsed yesterday after just making it to 60 days. We faced a pretty tough issue a few weeks ago, and although I thought I had weathered it at the time, cravings increased, and I found myself proactively looking at psubs a few times the last few weeks. Sigh, predictable result. Positives: made it to 60 days (by far my personal best), the first 6 weeks of which I did not look at psubs proactively at all, and all I have to do is not proactively look for psubs. Simple right? Going forward I will count proactively looking for psubs as a relapse to increase accountability. As a coping mechanism, any time I find myself seriously considering the possibility, I plan to meditate to regain calm and perspective.
Very glad to see quite a few of you are well on your way to achieving mastery though. It's inspiring and I hope to join those ranks at some point, though I'm clearly not there yet. Until then, continued to be awed by all the honest effort at self-improvement across the board. Keep it up everyone!
Feeling good, no urges this weekend. Edged a little on Facebook but caught myself before it got too far. Hope you're all doing well.
Checking in. Solid day and feeling connected to those around me. Looking forward to a relaxed sunday outdoors.
Reading the smoking book. This passage rang true to me. It made me realize the "crutches" of using P to deal with stress, etc did not start as crutches. I knew it wasn't good in the long run but it shows how it's not a crutch at any level. The brain just sees it as an opportunity to get another hit.
"...in this cycle as you crossed the ‘red line’ you also trigger emotions such as guilt, disgust, embarrassment, anxiety and fear - which in turn raise dopamine levels as well. Now the brain may mistakenly associate feelings of anxiety and fear as sexual arousal."
Just keep telling yourself how much you hate it and you want a life free of this stuff. Turn P into a monster that you absolutely loathe
Checking in....almost at 50 days. Plenty of stress recently but not going back to porn to deal with it which is definite progress!! I juts keep reminding myself of how much I loathe the stuff, working for now
Building on the last post, I am beginning to see a pattern in when Im doing better at stopping PM and when I'm struggling.
Worrying about emotional reasons, or entertaining blaming others or circumstances equals crappy times for me.
Concentrating on denying the validity of anything but brain mechanics = better success for me.
I think lie to myself about "why" and try to make it unique and special too much. I am beginning to crystalize on the notion I've touched on before - it's just brain chemistry and addiction behavior. Nothing more.
The good news if this is true:
-We aren't alone.
-Long term recovery is possible if I recognize the beast that I fight.
-PM isn't alluring if you can see through the lie. It's not good and never worth it.
The bad news if my view is true:
-I think it will take dedication to defeating self lies
-I think it will take 3 years of being extra vigilant (not a "90 day reboot").
This more belongs in a journal. I'm out of the habbit of posting there but I'll get back at it.
@GottaBFree Great thought and actually happy you posted this here, I like to see posts here that go a little bit beyond just checking in, and here maybe more folks read it than in a journal. Emotional worrying is a huge trigger for me as well. Are you saying something in the lines of "trust the process" and "don't overthink" or what do you mean by "Concentrating on denying the validity of anything but brain mechanics"?
Checking in. Got up early, did yoga, went for a mountain bike ride, and have been keeping my head down and doing good work. Looking forward to some structured downtime this evening
I have had an epiphany. My journal started with and me finding a video that starter me on this path, but I fully believe it now.
I believe 110% that the emotional condition might need to be worked through and a new way of processing it and dealing with it may be helpful.
But I also believe when it comes to PM, it's also 110% a smoke screen that has nothing to do with PM. It's a false association. Nothing more.
--- longer version--- I would relapse take it apart and in the end Id discover that I was lying to myself. One stupid trigger at a time. Most now have no power over me.
Now this is the easy button version of that. They are all based on lies to myself and it's like finding who the great and powerful Oz really is. Also, this addiction is 100% beatable and it's easy once you truly see behind the curtain.
Time will tell if I need to look behind the curtain a few more times or not, but this isnt complicated and it doesn't need to be a gut wrenching process. It's a simple case of strange associations my brain makes to a dopamine release, and none of the associations are real.
I failed again.
I was happy tonight I watched my football team win 6-0 away and I started drinking, only takes a few beers and I become horny af.
Keep strong and motivated everyone.
Back to the drawing board for me I'm afraid :/
/Reset to 0
Youve got this
Posting right after relapse is a great sign
Thank you bro
It's funny. I am so passionate about leaving PM behind some days, and I struggle to care on others. The other day I had all the answers. I've spent today trying to rember and apply them.
I do not do psubs or anything. If I do seek them out I'm basically 95% sure going reset within 24 hours. I don't mind. I want to change all the way.
But the next few days I know I'll be challenged by basic motivation.