35 and Older Accountability Group

Glad to see you back!

 

Hi, I have read the rules and would like to join the group

 

Checking in

 

Kept myself busy today to take my mind off but now that the evening is here I feel angry, depressed and ashamed.
Modified a blocker app in my phone today and I think it will help me.
Not sure if putting myself on a leash is any kind of progress but if it can help me get through the day, I'll take it.

 

I want to share the lyrics from the song - Passion - Forgiven (Live) ft. Crowder

"I'm the one who held the nail
It was cold between my fingertips
I've hidden in the garden
I've denied You with my very lips

God, I fall down to my knees
with a hammer in my hand
You look at me, arms open

Forgiven! Forgiven!
Child there is freedom from all of it
Say goodbye to every sin
You are forgiven!

I've done things I wish I hadn't done
I've seen things I wish I hadn't seen
Just the thought of Your amazing grace
And I cry 'Jesus, forgive me!'

I could've been six feet under
I could've been lost forever
Yeah I should be in that fire
But now there's fire inside of me
Here I am a dead man walking
No grave gonna hold God's people
All the weight of all our evil
Lifted away forever free
Who could believe, who could believe?

Forgiven! Forgiven!
You love me even when I don't deserve it
Forgiven! I'm Forgiven!
Jesus Your blood makes me innocent
So I will say goodbye to every sin
I am forgiven!
Forgiven! Forgiven!
Child there is freedom from all of it
Say goodbye to every sin
I am forgiven!
I am forgiven!"

 

Completed day 50. It’s been tough this week but I’ve just about held in to my promise to myself not to indulge in damaging behaviour.

 

I want to share what today makes me think about a lot... When I started this journey, I counted the days a lot, but it turns out that this is not correct, because my mind is more occupied with numbers, how far everyone has come, like a competition.

I will now try to live every day like the first day, because every day is like a challenge.
And I will focus more on soul healing. Maybe it will help someone too.

Thank you @Mr Eko for these articles and insights, and I believe that it can help many and clarify why I can't get rid of addiction, like I do for 30+ years from M.
And congratulations to Mr Eko with 9 years free from PMO!

Here are Mr. Eko's articles:

"It's not an endurance sport - who can endure more days, weeks, months or years.
pmo is only a result, one of many. The cause is the illness of the soul. Without life changing, behaviour changing, thinking changing or what Christians say - repentance, there won't be healing. If there is healing of our soul then one of many results will be healing from pmo. Without the healing of our soul one can endure 1 year or even more without pmo but it will be painful, very painful (for the addict and all around him - the nearest is the family) and because of this pain and lack of relief such addicts with sick soul will come back to their addiction sooner or later and the rule is that they'll do it rather sooner.

What really helps are ways to change one's life - that is - we should really try to be a better man for our family, other people, to be helpful, to forgive etc. - it can be done on a religious way (so do I) or on a secular way. But if we don't do anything to be better (better choices, better deeds, acts etc.) then nothing will help because any addiction is based on our selfishness, on our thinking only about ourselves. This produces lots of negative emotions plus focus on ourselves, on our own inner world (thoughts, plans , emotions, our past) and then we search for some means to relieve, to relax because we can't stand the inner and outer pressure .... and we find the relief in pmo.
Thanks to better choices, decisions we become less and less focused on ourselves and more and more focused on others - this attitude produses in us less and less tensions - as a result we need less and less pmo relief and we learn to find another relief - good relief (sport, prayer - talking to God, hobbies, talking to a friend etc.). If the new good relief is strong enough then we give up pmo relief. But we should have some life rules, we cannot live as egoists. Any addiction is a punishment for being an egoist thinking about himself."

 

Day 0.

Been doing most of my accountability in another group with some friends, but it's kind of dried up over time, to the point where I was the only one counting, which was not all that much fun. On the plus side, put up a 40 day streak and then a 36 streak soon after. Slipped back a little bit since then, but still committed.

Things I've learned: (Or reinforced)

• If you tell yourself "This is the streak, this one is guaranteed to succeed", then your brain will tell you "It's okay to fantasize, as you're guaranteed not to fail." It's a tricky trap to get around, not sure yet how to beat this one, I would say "constant vigilance", but after a month it's a lot easier to slip into auto-pilot mode, as constant vigilance for that long is just exhausting, and 90% of the time auto-pilot works.
• Giving up other negative dopamine things (junk food, youtube, etc) is definitely helpful, but you feel really miserable while you're doing it, so you have to be prepared for that. It sort of evens out after a couple of weeks, but it's very easy to fall back into one of them, especially after a difficult wave of fantasies, and at that point, the spike of dopamine from junk food/youtube could trigger a chaser effect that leads to a reset. Even after your wave of fantasies finishes, you have to keep off the junk food and youtube, but that few days after the wave is the few days where you will be the most miserable.
• It's dangerous to think any change in behaviour is permanent. At the start of my 40 days streak, the last time I reset, I was actually disgusted with myself for looking at porn. It was a real feeling of disgust, almost as if I was looking at myself from a third person while I reset. For a while I thought that feeling of disgust was a permanent change in my psychology, almost a protection against looking at porn again. I have since looked at porn and reset while feeling disgust, in fact feeling the happiness I used to feel before starting this journey, (during a period where I was getting tons of dopamine from other sources) so clearly that feeling of disgust was not as much of a protection as I thought.
• While it is possible to backslide, every day you abstain from resetting is a day your brain is getting better. If you reset once every 40 days for the rest of the year, you will continuously improve over time, perhaps forever, and eventually you'll get to a point where you hit 40 days and don't want to reset.

 

Day 1 done.
Feeling a bit better today, still crazy busy and working long hours.

 

Latest run lastest 12 days, getting better.

Reset

 

Thanks a lot! I am 36 and struggling with P & M since I was 12. It's a strong addiction for me, but I really want to quit. I tried two summers ago, but after a month or two I failed, also because I didn't have a real accountability partner. So I'm sure it will be easier now that I joined this forum!

 

Day 0

 

Increíblemente dia 4
Casi día 5

 

Welcome here! We wish you endurance and strength not to tire when starting this journey! I wish you to become free from all this!

 

May God heal us and help us not to get tired on this road to freedom!

I want to share the words of the song again, friends!

"King Of Glory"
(performed by Kristian Stanfill)

Don't lose heart
Oh my soul, oh my soul
Don't give up
There is hope, there is always hope
And there is peace
In the storm, in the storm
No, don't forget
He is Lord, He is Lord of all

There is a King of Glory
There is a God who saves
One who is strong and mighty
Freedom is in His name
Open the Gates of Heaven
Lift up a shout of praise
There is a lion roaring
Jesus, the King of Glory

So lift your eyes
Stand in awe, stand in awe
There is one, only one
Where my help comes from
....

 

Day 2 done and feeling better.
Today was a good day.

 

I have now passed 100 days for the first time since first started looking at P around the age of 13....so almost 30 years! I have had some slight urges recently, especially in times of his stress, but I have not relapsed and now heading towards 120 days. I just keep telling myself that I hate P and it does not serve me or advance my life in any way or help move me towards my goals. Onwards brothers....

 

I congratulate you!
Day by day to freedom!
I believe that you will succeed!

Yes, thank God Mr. Eko is free from the shackles of sin, he is a good example of that.
We can do it too in God's power!