35 Days NoFap and Break Up - story,some benefits and flow of thoughts

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by segaiolo91, Jun 19, 2018.

  1. segaiolo91

    segaiolo91 Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone,

    I just signed up to this reddit in order to share my experience. This will be half a share of my toughts and half the description of my story. Honestly I just need a space where to share my pain. It will be a wall of text, I wonder if someone will ever read it.

    Starting from my story: I am a 27yo male, PMO since I am 13 or14, on average every a couple of days, some days for 5/6 times. I used to be the outgoing guy, the strongest of the group. With time I have partially lost this attitude, maybe because of my porn activity, surely because of a loss of interest on such a thing and a milder personality.

    During these 13 years of masturbation I had quite a lot of girls in my opinion, (more than 30, I used to count them), both girlfriends and night stands, so I never saw porn as a problem. Everybody does it, if you don't you have a problem.

    How I got to know NoFap: I discovered Nofap 3 years ago, when I broke up with the "girl of my life", the girl that I always wanted but never had. We spent 6 months together, at the beginning it was beautiful, a lot of sex and promises, but with time things started to fall apart. I became disconnected, far, always thinking about the fact that maybe I should have left for university in another country (the plan was to wait for her one year and the go together), even if when I took the decision I was convinced it was the right one.

    Suddenly she broke up with me, and she went with another guy. I was devastated, I had panick attacks, I felt like I lost everything. I started to see a psychologist and to work on the thing: apparently I idealised her. Along with therapy I had to look for other sources because it was not enough: I discovered journaling (very reccomended), meditation (super reccommended), and also NOFap. Suddenly everything look to me clear, PMO was the evil, and I had to fight it. Eventually I told to the therapist that I had I had a problem with porn, and that I felt that was the reason I broke up with my "love". She was skeptical, for her that was jsut a synptom and not the real cause. A fix for something that was just broke.

    Eventually things went better (it took me 4 months), especially since the moment I saw her with another guy, and also because at the end I went to live abroad in different countries (I am from Euroe). Looking back to it, the break up was the best thing could happen to me, even if it was really the darkest period of my life.

    These Days: Fast forward to these days: it's more than one month I broke up with my last girlfirend. After the previous relationship, it was the first time I really gave my heart to someone else. I was scared, I still brang around that scare, and the beginning of the relationship were not the easiest, with me "chasing" her and her coming from a long relationship.

    This year together have been pretty ups and downs, she was beautiful and funny, I loved her a lot, but things were much more complicated. She was really jealous, like really jeleaous, and she treated me really bad 2/3 times because of her incapacity to control anger. On the other side, I behaved a lot like a jerk: I looked at girls asses and stuff, making her feeling more insicure.

    4 months ago her dad died, I tried to be close to her but what surprised me the most was the fact that this loss seemed to affect her only for a short period. How the fuck that was possible? I was scared the same could have happened with me.

    2 months ago I had to take another big decision for work: change country again or stay in Paris with her? I took a month free from masturbation, I knew it would have helped me and us. Eventually I decided to stay with her, I decided without calculations, but with the heart and the gut. She seemed to want the same.

    From that moment, things fell apart, completely. She seemed to be hungry to me all the time, we started to fight and have a lot of discussions. She accused me to look empty, that I should have left, that I didn't care about her problems, that our relationship was only MY problems, that it was one way. Also, a few days after this decision to stay I started to masturbate again. I think also because she didn't look happy. Again, was it the cause or the sympton?

    This situation continued for one month and a half, with me being mindless, being afraid of intimacy with her, always thinking if I took the right decision to stay, seeing our relationship falling apart but doing nothing, watching porn and taking cocaine on the weekends, the two things that made me feel really alive. It was like if I couldn't control myself, as soon as the idea of one of these two things was in my mind, eventually I HAD TO DO IT. I had no chance to control myself, I knew it: it was just a matter of time and I would have done it, hours or minutes.

    So at the end she broke up with me. The night of our first anniversary we went our for dinner, she looked stressed. We had quite a normal night but at the end of it I took cocaine, "to celebrate". What a dumb move. We went home and I was feeling more disconnected than everything. She didn't want to have sex with me, but at the end I couldn't sleep because of cocaine. I woke up her and fucked her. It was just a mechanical action, no love, no affection, no gentleness.

    We met again, she asked me if I ever desired other girls: I told her yes. I tried to explain that for me it was just a mechanical attraction, that with her it was real, but that when I looked at other girls it was just a pulsion forced by my sick mind.

    After two weeks we completely broke up. Since the night of our anniversary I understood how I was behaving and I completely stopped cocaine and PMO. I tried to be positive, we met and I explained what I was going trough, my addiction, the feelings I had, that I was trying to cure myself, but it didn't work.

    We went no contact for one month. During this time I didn't took any drug, watched porn or masturbated: I experienced a lot of pain, anxiety, something I would call withdrawls, incapacity to sleep, some days I was feeling kind of good but the void was always there. I waited I waited, to see if she would have contacted me and to get a better person before meeting her.

    After this month, 1 week ago, I asked her to meet, because I tought that my anger for the things she said was wrong and that I needed to tell her "I still love you, I was mindless, I was numb, I was sick". I told her everything, we had a very nice afternoon, but I coudln't ask her if she wanted to try again. I was too scared. After two days I sent her some flowers.

    I toughts my words touched her. I waited I waited I waited. Still no contact.

    Yesterday: yesterday I wrote her again, I asked her to meet for a drink. she didn't really want to. So i got emotional even if I don't want to. I attacked all her convinctions, the reasons that I was disconnected, I told her I stayed in Paris for her (she said she never knew that was the reason), I told her to watch the facts.

    She replied "ok, I see that you are ready to try again, but I am not, I am not ready to hear what happenned in this month, I still have to work on myself. So today I realised and I told her that despite the image she has of me, nothing happened in this month, that I am not the monster Porn transformed me into.

    She said that this thing made her question how and why this was possible, that I didn't have a girl in one month. Her image of me is really fucked up.

    I tought I touched a point there, but suddenly she started to say that the problem is not that, that she needs to work on herself, that she's not ready, that she just want to have fun and think for herself.

    How I feel: I feel shit, I am destroyed. I started to have panick attacks again, I see the void in front of myself. It will pass, I know, but the hardest part is that I cannot forgive myself for how I behaved. Certainly she put all the guilt on me, and even I can't help but to think that it was only my fault, that I lost the one.

    I feel alone, like really alone. I started to contact my friends to ask for help, even if I feel weak for this. Certainly I felt like they don't really care. And this is ever worse, because I see in them the behavior I had with my ex. I couldn't offer her the support she needed. Now I want to see a therapist, I am completely scared of what waits for me. I think I have some incapacity to deal with separations, they touch me in my inner self, I feel like a baby that is left home alone.

    Next days look scary. Me and my ex were supposed to go to a festival in germany together. Honestly I thught she would cancel, but last time I saw her she said she's going, with "friends of friends". I am really scared, I don't know if to go or not. I would be mostly alone, and I know I would live those days just looking for her. Sometimes it looks cool, some other times I just think "fuck don't go, you will only suffer". But there is always that little voice that think "it will be your last chance to get her back, and if it doesn't work then you will understand and you will be free".

    From her side she put it clearly: she's over me, she's feeling better,

    I am scared of the future, I feel I already gave my heart to two people and everytime was destroyed. How will I do in the future let me go again?

    My take aways from these 5 weeks of NoFap: I certainly experiencecd no super power.

    I think the biggest benefit for me is that this "fight" gave me hope. It gave me something to fight and the hope to change. The hope to get back my ex as a different person.

    Honestly I feel this is not really working on this way. I will never have her back. But I feel that I am sexualising less people, I feel more connected. Maybe is just the pain that I feel. Maybe is just because I need this connection.

    But I took a path, this time I didn't kill my pain on drugs or on porn, when I feel bad I just feel bad and I try to watch it. Even if sometimes if feels impossible, when I can't breath, when I see no escape, when I blame myself for the shit I have been.

    Maybe I will be a better person for the next one that will arrive, this sick mind will be cured.

    My balls feel like they are exploding, I wake up everyday with a boner, but I don't want to waste it with whatever person. Today I downloaded Tinder, I really don't know what to do to keep me busy, but every girl I see I feel a sense of repulsion. A sense of sadness thinking at her.

    Physical benefits:

    On a very practical side I noticed some changes that some other people claims, even if maybe do not believe:

    - my eyes look more alive, the limb of it sometimes looks darker and the center is brighter. Dark circles are still there tho, probably because I cry morning and evening (and sometimes also at work). Emotions have really invested me, mostly bad ones, even if I experienced peaks of unconditioned love for my ex, but they are really hard to keep.

    - my hair look like they are fucking growing back! I am balding, especially on the top of my head. This weekend I was back home in italy and I had my hairdresser, my mom and my brother commenting on the fact that they look ticker. Well, what a fucking nice thing.

    - my nails, as my hair, are growing super fast. I think that now I cut them every one week and a half. It's nice to see, maybe it means that this shit is working.

    My praise to you:

    Guys, if you are in a relationship, please stop watching porn. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Do not leave that shit destroy your life. DO NOT BECOME A SHITTY, MINDLESS, UNSENSITIVE animal. Give it a try, for a couple of months. If you say no, it means you are addicted. Cocaine and Porn made me unsensitive to everyghing, to my new job, to my beautiful girlfriend, they made me feel disconnected and depressed. It will make you think that you want something else in life, when in reality you have already everything. It will transform you in something you are not!

    DO NOT FUCKING WAIT TILL IT WILL BE TOO LATE. To forgive yourself may be impossible after. It will feel impossible to think "why I didn't do it before, even when I knew it??".


    For me it will be a long path, I need to heal myself from this guilt I have. Honestly I don't know how I will do.

    I promised myself I would have post on this reddit if ever NoFap would have worked. It didn't, but still I needed to this community. Coming here gave me hope and still it does. My post probably won't, but this is life. You don't always win.

    At least this path took me to explore this emotions, it took me to tell her everything I had to say. I didn't keep any shame, any weakness, any fear, any thought, any pain. I share everything. If she doesn't want to be back with me, is her choice. She knows everything about me.

    And the fact that also you do now, maybe will help cure my pain.

    My hope will never die, anyway.

    Wish you the best
    Akula and (deleted member) like this.
  2. Akula

    Akula New Fapstronaut

    man you are my role model!

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