So... it's been quite some time after my post-relapse post. That time I did what? 30 days maybe? I don't really remember. But, anyway, here I am again. I just relapsed. After my longest streak yet. 35 days... It was not on the hard mode. No masturbation. No porn. But I did have sex couple of times. Like, 7 times during past 2 month. God, words can't express how not enough it is for me to have sex 7 times in 2 month. It's better not to have sex at all. I really came to this realization. I am considering a hard mode for the next 1 month. God, if I succeed, will it be great. Well, maybe it won't. I don't know. I don't fking know. All I know is that I want to change the atmosphere around me. Here I am sitting in front of a computer for a whole day. Haven't gone outside today. Haven't done something productive either. Tomorrow, I have an exam, then I have a second exam and then I have lectures on the subject that I didn't attend at all. It's not like I am trying not to fail. I am trying to get straight A's. And it's not really working out well when you are a lazy bun. But whatever. I am smart enough to manage it in last 2 weeks, just not smart enough to not ruin my life. For fucks sake... I have not learned my lesson. I have not learned it at all lol. But, once I am done with university, I am ditching the computer. It's too fking time consuming. And it's really unsatisfactory. I don't get any satisfaction from browsing imgur or reddit. Or other sites. I joined literature club, but haven't started reading yet. I am going to hit the gym too. I am also going to continue studying spanish and learn to play guitar. In short I am changing my lifestyle. What are my thoughts about my recent relapse? I am not mad. I am even happy that I didn't binge watch porn after that. How did it happen? I just browsed pictures of my fetish. I swear, the instance I opened the images I was ready to ejaculate without even touching my dick. This really tells me how much my brain is wired. I now am sure that the problems I had/still have some with premature ejaculations are all related to my fetish. And my habit to masturbate to it as quickly as possible. It's all wired together. How did I end up browsing pictures on imgur today? I would occasionally browse reddit /r/all and then search for nsfw content... And then today it all happened. What I feel now? As I said, I don't feel any rage. I am not even surprised that I failed. Because I really didn't believe in myself. I always had a fear that it all wouldn't last long. That 35 days ago was not the last time I pmoed. So, no wonder at all. And I am ok with relapse. I did better than before. It's even more than 35 days. I really didn't count days actively. The fear that I won't ever succeed is gone now. There is no fear. But a rational thought that if I don't believe I can, I will be dragged back to PMOing and playing mindlessly computer games and shit like that. So, yeah, I feel I am better off now than I was masturbating non-stop 24 hours. Did I see superpowers? No, but I am way more motivated, even now. When I am not shivering from urges, I am more relaxed and less anxious. And one more disgusting thing I have to share with you, just because you could be having the same problem: not enough semen/sperm/cum when ejaculating. Like 2-3 drops. Just simply abstaining for a short period will fix this problem. I feel like my ballsacks are expanding lol. Everytime I wake up there is a leakage in my pants. Guess it's because now it's on full capacity lol. Even after 3 days from sex. It can be really annoying but try not to be annoyed and see it as a progress. And one more thing I really have to share with you are my vivid and crazy dreams. Like I wasn't dreaming about sex, I was having a nightmare of masturbating to pornography and ending back to where I begun. Countless times, when I was sleepless, really tired, I couldn't differentiate between reality and my dreams. One day I woke up and felt bad that I relapsed, and only after hours I realized that it was all dream since I was in different city, in different house, not my old room lol. Dreams can get as wild as it gets. And once again, see it as a sign of progress. As your lazy brain telling you that you don't need a difficult life. You can live an easy one. The last time I was here, I said that I was frustrated with this community. I still stand on this thought. Community is way more competitive than it is supportive. And once again, I don't believe the set days of 90 or more should be achieved to not be addicted to pornography anymore. I feel like the real change is when you realize porn is not an option for you anymore. The only day count you should be aiming to surpass is your own personal. So, anyways, I did say that I'll start the hard mode but before that I have already arranged the "date" with my friends with benefits. I feel like sex helps alot. But, the thing is I am not having enough of it. And I end up being horny. But sex is good for realizing that porn and your fetishes are all bullshit. They don't even compare to real thing. And I am also renewing my tinder profile... Well, if I find a girl in my town that I can regularly visit, that would be the best. If not, I'll still be on hardmode I guess. I'll just be starting it after the date. So, once again, it's all worth it. Not because it's paradise, but because it's not hell. And next time, when I come up here again, I hope I'll have even better news. Also, if I don't binge watch today or tomorrow or for a week, that means that I have made a huuuge progress. For 84 days, I have masturbated for 21 times as of today, .25 times a day. Before this streak it was about .44. I wish I would break free of this addiction. I wish and I'll do it. But I won't stress about it. Stressing about it and over-dramatizing it even more won't do anything good to me. Edit: I just hopped in to let you all know: I haven't started binge watching after my relapse. It feels like I am owning this thing and it feels good. So good. Already about 1 week in this streak and it feels so easy. And you know what makes it all easy? Me focusing on other things. And working to achieve other things. Feels good man.