35 y/o - VIRGIN - Depressed - PIED!

Hello,

This is my first post here. I'm already a member on two other PIED forums but I've just discovered this one and it seems to be a lot busier, which why I joined.

Anyway, my story is probably the worst case scenario! To sum it up as quickly as possible:

I've never once shared any intimacy with a girl and rarely had any close friends. Therefore the relational and sexual pathways in my brain are pretty much none-existent.

I've only been out on three dates in my life (and that was as recent as June & September 2018!) Before that, I rarely interacted with girls. In terms of social life, I rarely had any regular close friends, so I spent most of my teenage years and 20s stuck in my bedroom! (As I also had employment problems and therefore not a lot of money).

Anyway, instead of typing my story again, I'll post the message that I posed on another forum that tells it.

This is it from February 2017:

"Hello,

I don't know where to start, it's a long story, I'll try and keep it short.

I'm basically so depressed, unbelievably depressed with life. I will go through my story as coherently as possible.

I'm 33, a virgin, depressed since my early 20's, severely since 2011 (but bit better now for the last year or so) and really, really need your help.

It all pretty much started when when I was 22 - I couldn't find a job for the next 7 years. This truly destroyed my life and completely changed my outlook on life - not least due to the implications of that jobless spell.

This meant that I was unable to build my future on any solid foundation - and that, of course, includes any relationships.

Yes, I've never been in one and I've never even had sex. Not even a flirtatious conversation with one. In fact, I've never spent any time alone with a female on any social basis. I'm basically completely starved of women, they are like aliens to me.

Obviously having no job did not help my self esteem, but because I was unfortunate enough to have been born into a background with religious ties - albeit very lax ties.(I'm even now an atheist, thankfully. ) This obviously also meant that girls are a no-no until I get a secure job and get married. (whatever happened to that life plan!)

So basically, no job and religious background meant that I simply couldn't live my life. I don't have any friends because, particularly during my jobless spell, I spent that time hiding myself from society - I was simply too embarrassed about who I was. (gym, library and job centre were my regular sights - my life was that bad, yes.) (And yes, I've never been even on holiday or a party. ) (Yep, it's that depressing... can you imagine losing your life away just like that?!!)

Anyway, so obviously to compensate on the lack of women in my life.... I used Porn.

I never thought Porn could be the reason for my ED - I mean I was enjoying it so much that it actually gave me some comfort when I was using porn, in addition to the sexual satisfaction. (believe me, when you are starved of a personal source of affection all of your adult life, porn/masturbation was the closest I could get to having a female company. )

Then few weeks back I watched the Gary Wilson documentary on YouTube - and now I have made the commitment to not use porn. (I lost my libido 6 years ago but I still used porn, allbeit on reduced basis.)

All that time i though my ED was down to severe depression/stress - maybe it still is?

This is why I'm here - so I can see which one is it? Or is a combination of all three?

I haven't seen pornographic images since the start of the year now - but I am still masturbating. I really would like to stop if masturbating if it is hindering my progress.

I've been to endocrinology labs few times - various blood checks have come back normal. I'm a healthy person, never smoked, never drunk any alcohol, haven't even been ill for the last 11 years! I also work out three times a week. Good level of muscle and lowish body fat.)

One thing that is killing me, I really don't know if there is hope for me or not. I have this inevitable feeling of middle aged suicide - I'm not too far off 40!!

PLEASE, PLEASE HELP. I can't describe how soulless, funless and joyless my life has been. PLEASE HELP. Do I have any hope of getting back to my old-self?? "

My first reboot began in January 2017 but I MO'd quite a bit and relapsed to PMO 2-3 times.

The last PMO relapse, in August 2017, was the moment everything changed. This was because the following day, as I wanted to test my erection, I noticed my penis had shrunk noticeably and erections became softer and took longer to get erect. That discovery really shocked me to the core to the point it instantly put me off porn and also, confusingly, it put me off sex! (And I'm a virgin that has been desperate to have sex since my teenage years!!).

So, from August 2017 I decided I need to do Hardmode. I entered Hardmode and have been able to abstain from PMO, MO and any other artificial sexual stimuli for a number of intervals with a minimum 3 months runs.

Unfortunately, in October 2018, having had a run of over a year of no PMO under my belt, I did a MO which unfortunately replicated the effects of PMO!! (Reduced blood flow and shrunk penis!) So basically over a year's work of no PMO was wiped out just because of MO!!

So, at that point, I've decided I will do my utmost to not MO and just do Hardmode until I get a GF. I'm not tempted to MO anymore; although sometimes I feel like it but thankfully now, having seen the damage that MO can do, I'm determined to avoid MO.

So basically where I stand now is that I don't have a problem avoiding artificial sexual stimuli and is quite in control of my own urges to MO and certainly have no desire whatsover for PMO. Plus, I'm making attempts to meet people and go on dates.

Anyway, sorry for the long post.

I really hope I will one day experience a satisfying sexual experience or I will be utterly depressed for the rest of life. (Which is likely to end in suicide, to be frank!!)

 

Hello,

Yes, I will be seeing a psychiatrist in the new year. However, I believe the chronic depression and PMO has made a change to my biology. I mean, I haven't felt 'horny' since 2011! Also, my muscle tone is quite weak which might say that I'm low on testosterone.

I've been looking at learning to play the piano, but I'm just busy with work, gym and studying for a degree online. It's something that I will do a research about later, we'll see.

I'm also making more attempts to go out now, I've been to a speedating event and I have another one scheduled for January.

 

SpeedDating tonight - I can't even bring myself to feel excited about meeting women, that's how bad things are. But nonetheless, the motivation is still there.

 

Thanks, everyone! It went quite well... I met 2-3 women that I liked but I'm not sure that they've liked me back.

I'll find out tomorrow morning if I've been matched with them through the on-line system.

One thing that worried me though, and this has only just resurfaced recently, is my fetish! It kept creeping up on my mind when I was interacting with the women!! I can't say what that fetish is, but I'm really unsettled by it!

Why is it that, when I started my PIED Journey in January 2017, this fetish almost immediately went away but just recently resurfaced? I've had no relapses and rarely any sexual thoughts the past 3-4 months. Why is it back all of the sudden? I don't think it was a heavy fetish in the first place, as I actually struggled to find much porno materials about it! (and thank fuck for that!!)

It was a good night overall.

 

Thanks for the advice, I intend to take the slow approach, for sure.

I've been checking the website to see if anyone has liked me (out of the four that I liked) and so far two have marked as friends only! (And those are the two 'least attractive' out of the four....! loool) I don't think I have hope with the other two - who haven't yet not indicated whether they like someone or simply 'friends'.

I'm in a quite downbeat and emotional mood now, I know getting a GF that matches the criteria is going against the odds, to be honest.

 

Thanks. I read it a while back - I don't think there's an article about virginity/loneliness on the net that I haven't read! loool... which says it all about the state of my mind.

Anyway, I've booked myself another Speed-dating event, scheduled for 13th of February! I'm glad it's not for the 14th!

 

It's about 10-15 dates per night, every 4 minutes everyone changes around in ascending order (numbered tables) until everyone has chatted to everyone for 4 minutes each.

And you're right, it does make my head feel slightly different - don't quite know how to describe it. But it's still better as it's real life - it's really my only opportunity to socialize and interact with women.

Actually, last night, and also on the night on the previous speeddating night, as I was going to sleep, I kept getting some sort of convulsive shocks in my head every now and then. I don't know what it was, but it was strong enough to shake me for a split second. I don't know what that is..... neuron's firing with each other?? Surely not that soon.

I don't know, it would be interesting to see if it happens once again come the 13th of February.