36 year old virgin

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by q.upber, Jun 8, 2019.

  1. q.upber

    q.upber New Fapstronaut

    as the title says, I'm a 36 year old virgin, who's never had a girlfriend, never went on more than a couple dates with any given girl. I get that I needed to improve myself, which I have done across a number of dimensions:

    While I'm still fat, I've already lost at least 15% of my body weight over the past couple years, I've changed careers, moved to a larger city, got a job where I have some real influence and have been publicly recognized by my peers, more than doubled my annual income, have bought a nice house in a good neighborhood, have been attending weekly social gatherings, joined a church, and took up a hobby that takes me out of said house. I've also been holding the line on noFap for more than the number of days it shows on the counter here.

    I've messaged dozens of women on dating sites based on what I think are realistic standards (almost all of those I've contacted are overweight single mothers and/or divorces in their 30s). Despite this, I've only managed to actually get one woman to go out with me in the past year.

    It has been incredibly frustrating to invest as much effort as I have to achieve these milestones without making any visible headway on the one thing that I really want--a relationship, and I'm not sure what to try next
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2019
    Kiz Whalifa and Deleted Account like this.
  2. You've messaged women with lower standards for whom you think you'd be "Good enough" - that's how I read that. Online dating is quite shallow to say the least. Your drive, determination, character, success won't come across on POF or whatever you're using.

    The other achievements you mention are admirable, well done
    Deleted Account and Kiz Whalifa like this.
  3. rtburns19

    rtburns19 New Fapstronaut

    I agree, ditch the dating apps. You don't need to entertain the thought that you might be desperate enough to need to rely on a crutch like a dating app to find love. You don't. You got this man. Just be authentic. Be confident in yourself. Find happiness in who you are and stop looking for it. It will fall into place once you do that.
  4. I struggled with confidence with women for years till I found it was all about attitude how you see yourself . A quote I remember really helped in this department was " If you don't see yourself as a catch why the hell would anyone else" .
  5. yyz33

    yyz33 Fapstronaut

    Perhaps ask your friends to introduce you to girls.
  6. Drew15

    Drew15 Fapstronaut

    You reference a relationship as the one thing you really want, and I believe you will find one someday. But I also hope you can see the immense value in all you have accomplished with or without a lady in your life. Keep up the good work and stay hopeful. Be patient, don’t isolate yourself socially, and it’s all going to work out.
    Deleted Account, Captain! and Kexas23 like this.
  7. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

    Emphasise these positive things in your dating profiles. Clearly you have achieved some good things which you can take confidence in, you just need to try to project that confidence onto your dating life.

    Keep the faith. Unfortunately online dating is difficult and it can be hard to gain traction, but I find dates are like buses, you wait ages to meet one woman then two come along at the same time. And do try to ensure you message people that you find attractive rather than because you think they're more likely to respond... Although obviously there are plenty in the categories you mention who are attractive.
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  8. MechEng

    MechEng Fapstronaut

    First things first, being a virgin or not isn’t important to women. What they care about is someone who they like for who you are, now if you’ve only been on a couple of dates, just ask more women on dates.

    What’s the worst that could happen?

    You get rejected?
    Everyone gets F****** rejected, even the guys who have slept with loads of women, so just grab life by the balls and just ask a women you think is attractive out, if she says no just keep going. The first rejection will be tough but after the first few you’ll realise it doesn’t matter, no-one cares and you can keep going.

    Also go to more meet-ups and social events.
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  9. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    @jeiren is hitting here on a good point, you don't see yourself as good enough, you have low self-esteem.

    Although you are aware of what you have achieved in your life by yourself, you believe it's still not good enough to attract a partner; it's a voice in your head that says "you're not worthy" that stops you in your tracks. My questions is simple: who's voice is that? I ask because I don't think it's your voice and I think it's one of your parents that was probably a bit too strict or provided little acknowledgement.

    I'd speculate that your weight is likely to be the result of an emotional response to a trauma of sorts, probably you find it comforting when you eat specific food items when you remember some things from your past or the voice of that someone. I may be wrong, but could be a lead.
  10. nmyr

    nmyr Fapstronaut

    teach me how to improve myself like the way you did
    Kexas23 likes this.
  11. Kexas23

    Kexas23 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    read The Game by Neil Strauss. and keep doing everything you are doing.
  12. Kexas23

    Kexas23 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    I agree. I was rejected by over a dozen women this weekend, including an ex partner (not gf). I'm not going to quit. I'm going to keep up with my good habits and try my best to get better.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. Zapster21

    Zapster21 Fapstronaut

    Try to hire a dating coach. Many guys stuggle with dating. You too deserve to find love.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. rt01386

    rt01386 Fapstronaut

    Sex is something that everyone should experience because it's incredible, but there's so many other incredible things about life worth experiencing also. Once you lose your virginity, sex becomes just another thing. The only thing that makes it any more important than anything else is the emphasis we put on it as a society and mentally. I am 25 and lost my virginity at 17. When I lost it I was so relieved bc it was a big monkey off my back. But now that I'm 25 I realize I have nothing really "new" or "exciting" to look forward to as a milestone moment. To be honest with you, finding this website has satisfied that craving for me than sex or PMO. I feel like I'm on the front end of something with infinite possibilities. I look forward to talking with, and helping others who struggle with PMO daily more than I look forward to sex! I'm obstaining from PMO entirely. That even means no sex. If I'm here typing this instead of having sex, it should prove how little sex matters after you lose your virginity. Just be yourself and enjoy life and try your best to not mentally high light your virginity. As others have said on this thread, it doesn't matter if you're a virgin. Keep up the effort to put yourself out there, heal yourself mentally from PMO, and the sex will take care of itself bc you will find an incredible person to spend your life with. Good relationships come when you are least expecting them.
    chastedude and Deleted Account like this.

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