36 years old. Never dated. No GF. And still a virgin. Need advice.

Namekian23

Namekian23

Fapstronaut
It's been a year since I've posted on NoFap. I hope no one criticizes me on my post, because this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with besides my 25 year long porn addiction. Regarding women, I've tried to get into a relationship many times in my life , but for some reason, something always goes wrong. In fact, I've failed on 9 different occasions and it was due to either bad luck, rejection, or bad timing. It's getting to the point where I just don't care anymore.

The last heartbreak happened several months ago, after I tried to get back with a female I once knew. Before that, I had another embarrassing heartbreak with a female coworker at my old job. The pain and agony has made me numb, and with all this bad luck, I'm starting to focus on other things besides relationships. I just got a new job, finished my bachelors degree, and I'm trying new activities such as speed dating or other social gatherings.

It's not that I don't know how to talk to women; I've flirted many times, had some female friends in the past, gave them hugs, etc. It's just relationships that I have an extremely hard time with. However, most of these hardships has taught me a lot about myself and what I need to work on. Other than that, is there anyone else going through these moments? How do you deal with it, and what helps you? Right now I'm just looking for advice and some support.
 
Late in life virginity and lack of relationships are increasingly common, to a degree that is shocking social scientists. At our age, there's probably nothing we can do. But our increasing numbers indicate, whatever the complex causes are, it's a systemic problem, rather than a collection of individual problems. Maybe that can give you some solace.
 
Namekian23 said:
It's been a year since I've posted on NoFap. I hope no one criticizes me on my post, because this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with besides my 25 year long porn addiction. Regarding women, I've tried to get into a relationship many times in my life , but for some reason, something always goes wrong. In fact, I've failed on 9 different occasions and it was due to either bad luck, rejection, or bad timing. It's getting to the point where I just don't care anymore.

The last heartbreak happened several months ago, after I tried to get back with a female I once knew. Before that, I had another embarrassing heartbreak with a female coworker at my old job. The pain and agony has made me numb, and with all this bad luck, I'm starting to focus on other things besides relationships. I just got a new job, finished my bachelors degree, and I'm trying new activities such as speed dating or other social gatherings.

It's not that I don't know how to talk to women; I've flirted many times, had some female friends in the past, gave them hugs, etc. It's just relationships that I have an extremely hard time with. However, most of these hardships has taught me a lot about myself and what I need to work on. Other than that, is there anyone else going through these moments? How do you deal with it, and what helps you? Right now I'm just looking for advice and some support.
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hey bro, i just wanna point to if you're having difficulties connecting to women on the level you desire you might carry around unresolved trauma from the relationship to your mother (the first female reference person you learned relationships with). For example narcissistic abuse. It will change your behaviour to the point that you sabotage the relationship with another woman until it's properly addressed and integrated. If this resonates with you, you can read about it.
I wish you all the best in your healing process.
 
berylliumwages said:
Late in life virginity and lack of relationships are increasingly common, to a degree that is shocking social scientists. At our age, there's probably nothing we can do. But our increasing numbers indicate, whatever the complex causes are, it's a systemic problem, rather than a collection of individual problems. Maybe that can give you some solace.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your insight I have a better perspective now knowing Im not the only one. Even though Im 36 years old I think theres still time to grow. Ive heard of people finding their true love in their 30s and sometimes in their 40s. As of now I try not to think about it as much as I can. Plus I have other things going on in my life that I need to focus on.
 
Allis One said:
hey bro, i just wanna point to if you're having difficulties connecting to women on the level you desire you might carry around unresolved trauma from the relationship to your mother (the first female reference person you learned relationships with). For example narcissistic abuse. It will change your behaviour to the point that you sabotage the relationship with another woman until it's properly addressed and integrated. If this resonates with you, you can read about it.
I wish you all the best in your healing process.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate your concern and yes Ive had a lot of traumatic experiences as a kid especially with my father. My mother on the other hand has been more supportive. Ive had a lot of therapy throughout my years to help cope with the trauma. And I guess its one of the reasons why Im having a hard time finding a healthy relationship. Im glad you pointed this out because it gives me a better idea of figuring myself more.
 
Namekian23 said:
Thanks for your suppport I really appreciate it.
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No problem man.

From what you wrote I see that you just havent met right woman yet. Right to you, given by God. When the right woman will come youl be interested in her and she in you. And nothing will be able to separate you at all.

It happened to me. Once I got tired of all the bs of chasing woman and desiring them and said to God something like that : I am tired of chasing woman who are not even meant for me. I ask you to bring me the woman that is destined for me at the right time and at the right place and I apsolutely believe you will (believing is very important, it a key element). Then I said I know you are all powerful and you will do that even if shes in another part of the world now. Doent matter to you.

I left this prayer like that and with full faith just lived my life knowing that it will happen and I dont nees to worry or stress at all anymore.

Then not very long after I actually met her. And we both know we are destined for one another. And so the problem of woman was fixed.

Same way God can fix all our problems. We just have to let him. The problem is alot of the times we DON'T including me. Because we think we can do it ourselves and society brainwashes us in the same manner too.

But in my experience God is all we need. Just empty yourself and let him talk to you. Let him guide you.

Soryy that its turning into a sermon but the truth is thats what I learn, and thats thw only thing which works for me. And that is asking God of right things and letting him guide me to that.

Ahmein brother. Hallelujah
 
Namekian23 said:
Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate your concern and yes Ive had a lot of traumatic experiences as a kid especially with my father. My mother on the other hand has been more supportive. Ive had a lot of therapy throughout my years to help cope with the trauma. And I guess its one of the reasons why Im having a hard time finding a healthy relationship. Im glad you pointed this out because it gives me a better idea of figuring myself more.
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good luck with your goals, bro
 
Prisoner of lust said:
No problem man.

From what you wrote I see that you just havent met right woman yet. Right to you, given by God. When the right woman will come youl be interested in her and she in you. And nothing will be able to separate you at all.

It happened to me. Once I got tired of all the bs of chasing woman and desiring them and said to God something like that : I am tired of chasing woman who are not even meant for me. I ask you to bring me the woman that is destined for me at the right time and at the right place and I apsolutely believe you will (believing is very important, it a key element). Then I said I know you are all powerful and you will do that even if shes in another part of the world now. Doent matter to you.

I left this prayer like that and with full faith just lived my life knowing that it will happen and I dont nees to worry or stress at all anymore.

Then not very long after I actually met her. And we both know we are destined for one another. And so the problem of woman was fixed.

Same way God can fix all our problems. We just have to let him. The problem is alot of the times we DON'T including me. Because we think we can do it ourselves and society brainwashes us in the same manner too.

But in my experience God is all we need. Just empty yourself and let him talk to you. Let him guide you.

Soryy that its turning into a sermon but the truth is thats what I learn, and thats thw only thing which works for me. And that is asking God of right things and letting him guide me to that.

Ahmein brother. Hallelujah
Click to expand...

Thanks again man. I can see that religion has definitely helped you in your path for self development and spirituality. This is something Im currently still working on. But youre right chasing the right one vs allowing the right one to come into your life naturally comprises a growth mindset. I definitely need to change that so thanks for pointing that out.
 
Namekian23 said:
Thanks again man. I can see that religion has definitely helped you in your path for self development and spirituality. This is something Im currently still working on. But youre right chasing the right one vs allowing the right one to come into your life naturally comprises a growth mindset. I definitely need to change that so thanks for pointing that out.
Click to expand...

Yep. Exactly. Allowing it to come instead of chasing that.

Np, my pleasure.
 
I'm in a similar place, but I'm there because I went to a strict church that taught us not to date. Kind of rough. Had me walk away from a girl I fell in love with because she didn't go to my church. Pushed me into a relationship that wasn't ready and left a lot of trauma. Told me God did it. Shamed me for being upset about it...now that I've written all that I'm not sure why I still go to that church... 0.o

These articles/books gave me a lot of hope, even though there's gonna be a lot of work involved. It's tricky because you get this sense you need to work at it even though you don't want to be owned by it, if that makes sense. I've found friends that have encouraged me to step out. The second book talks about working through your own trauma.

It helps to watch people who are healthy and good with dating, and learn from them.
You have to start somewhere.
It's still really nerve racking for me, but it's getting better.

The biggest hurtle for me is how do I approach someone in a way that encourages her to be true to who she is...
Turns out the key is to stop apologizing for being you, you give the same thing you have for yourself...if that makes sense.
It's a self confidence and value thing it seems...anyway.

Hope this helps:

https://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed/

https://www.amazon.com/Courtship-Crisis-Thomas-Umstattd-Jr/dp/1943745005/ref=sr_1_1?crid=320XL0JB9ODN2&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Uc38shkUKqv2Zuk5W50naw.sP3stCgZoSs5g73v_JQXjerPNdyFkNgW-QKfmPiX1I0&dib_tag=se&keywords=why+courtship+is+fundamentally+flawed&qid=1735013816&sprefix=why+courtship+is+fundamentally+flawed%2Caps%2C126&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/How-Get-Date...864&sprefix=how+to+get+a+date+,aps,136&sr=8-1
 
It's time to start the journey of discovering what is a woman and what motivates her in life. And then discovering what it means to be a man that gives a woman what she really wants.

Start with these.

The Noble Art of Seducing Women by Kezia Noble.

The Mystery Method by Erik Von Markovic
 
You poor soul and all that is so unfair. I am 35 and also tried everything and still trying but I can't defeat this pathetic disgusting vile "vice" and I did everything I thought that I could and took any opportunity I thought I could or maybe I didn't...
 
I'm married with kids and have had many girlfriends over my life. I say that not to rub it in, but to let you know I have experience that may be of use to you.

Can I be candid? I don't want to be offensive, but sometimes I find answers come quite direct and I'm personally grateful for them although I hate recieving them.

My opinion would be forget about dating, forget about women, and learn to love yourself with complete unconditional love. When we stop looking for someone to complete us and learn how to completely love ourselves, then we are able to offer service to another person. Our goal is to love but how can we love if we haven't mastered loving ourselves.

Personally I wouldn't want to date a girl who needed someone. I'd want someone who wanted to share their life.
Good relationships are always give never take.

Once you learn this, you will be completely happy to be single, this isn't my opinion this is wisdom from jesus to the Buddha from Karl Jung to Ram Dass. It's wisdom that goes all the way back to the begining of time. Know inner peace and be able to give love and peace to another.

Your job as a man in a relationship is to lead and guide, support and love, but we can only do these things when we learn how to lead guide support and love ourself first, it's just logical. And this is done through educating yourself.

Love yourself, Develop yourself. And you will either be peaceful and content on your own and choose not to have a gf like all the disciples and many great leaders and sports superstars, or you'll be peaceful and content and attract a partner, because who doesn't want to be around someone who is the embodiment of love, kindness, wisdom and strength that you have nurtured and continue to nurture in yourself.

Stop asking how do I date a girl and start asking how do I date myself maybe.

You are more valuable than a diamond you are a serious catch to anyone because you take yourself seriously, if you are on this site reading these words then you are a person that wants to be the best version of themselves. You are amazing your DNA has literally reproduced you for millions of years, you are a survivor, you just need to learn how to shine in this version of yourself in the here and now.

Don't worry about the past it doesn't exist, don't worry about the future it doesn't exist and never will, the only thing that is ever rel is the present moment. And in the present moment you have power and control, to change nearly anything you want to big journeys always start with a step.

So ask yourself who do I want to be? now be that person today and build that person into a powerhouse of strength love and peace that shines.

And just a little bit of truth, women are the beauty and the man is there to admire the beauty, it really doesn't matter what you look like, I've met to many overweight hairy sweaty men with total models, what matters is what you have to offer and I'm not talking cash, most of attraction is subconscious, and women need to feel secure and connected, as do we men.

Another point and one I have lived my whole life by is every gf and my wife I met passionately pursuing something I loved, studying at uni was an obsession, I didn't attend a church I got a job at one, I was obsessed with my career and worked day and night to be the best I could at it, and yes I met a girl who was obsessed with studying, a big church girl, and I met my wife through my career.

Opposites don't attract, that's been disproven many times, like attracts like, that has been proven. Even if it's just strong family values.

So maybe instead of looking for a partner look for your passion, and meet like minded people on the journey, it's how my life has panned out. I'd much rather build a life I love and be alone or share that with someone who appreciates it all, than meet a random who didn't have any interest in what I value.

I truly hope that was ok to say that, my intention was to help through my experience and is only my opinion. I'll delete this if it's not appreciated.

Love and peace to you brother, may you know and find what you are looking for.
 
MightyBillyGoat said:
I'm in a similar place, but I'm there because I went to a strict church that taught us not to date. Kind of rough. Had me walk away from a girl I fell in love with because she didn't go to my church. Pushed me into a relationship that wasn't ready and left a lot of trauma. Told me God did it. Shamed me for being upset about it...now that I've written all that I'm not sure why I still go to that church... 0.o

These articles/books gave me a lot of hope, even though there's gonna be a lot of work involved. It's tricky because you get this sense you need to work at it even though you don't want to be owned by it, if that makes sense. I've found friends that have encouraged me to step out. The second book talks about working through your own trauma.

It helps to watch people who are healthy and good with dating, and learn from them.
You have to start somewhere.
It's still really nerve racking for me, but it's getting better.

The biggest hurtle for me is how do I approach someone in a way that encourages her to be true to who she is...
Turns out the key is to stop apologizing for being you, you give the same thing you have for yourself...if that makes sense.
It's a self confidence and value thing it seems...anyway.

Hope this helps:

https://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed/

https://www.amazon.com/Courtship-Crisis-Thomas-Umstattd-Jr/dp/1943745005/ref=sr_1_1?crid=320XL0JB9ODN2&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Uc38shkUKqv2Zuk5W50naw.sP3stCgZoSs5g73v_JQXjerPNdyFkNgW-QKfmPiX1I0&dib_tag=se&keywords=why+courtship+is+fundamentally+flawed&qid=1735013816&sprefix=why+courtship+is+fundamentally+flawed%2Caps%2C126&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/How-Get-Date-Worth-Keeping/dp/0310262658/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3JK4C5EGPJLW8&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.eMxmkSPc80PawYaO8eOv4DsNjU92erc1FzcOCK3aLXoUOCeA3w2s48JIZCe4ZjCiIK72vfq6OXo50sE1IBXzGpXPmA1XOTeCKi5ZEjjH3yv-Ne86psDxMY0RAD8OuI1Fj6szSh9Ny3lL5-GdFq82Uq9hD0d5rtTuUUkVlTfFPsBioWCSQRXM3EQSm85SsuDC0ULyJYnBb4yYQVqWFyKxeNJjeECkvGt1h-6csoqVf9s.IXpWvPDx7srbF8bEJjaEceWVw7iReWUKiLScWdIhjbg&dib_tag=se&keywords=how+to+get+a+date+worth+keeping&qid=1735013864&sprefix=how+to+get+a+date+,aps,136&sr=8-1
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Hey man thanks for your help. Sorry I haven't been on NoFap for several months and just got this message. I thought a lot about what people said when I posted this back in August. However, from there I thought about myself and what I needed to work on. I was able to finally have my first date at an event, which I thought was never possible. At the same time, I worked on other areas of my life such as my new job. Other than that, I will definitely look into your links and get some insight on dating and relationships. Thank you so much! Wish you the best brother!!
 
KevinesKay said:
It's time to start the journey of discovering what is a woman and what motivates her in life. And then discovering what it means to be a man that gives a woman what she really wants.

Start with these.

The Noble Art of Seducing Women by Kezia Noble.

The Mystery Method by Erik Von Markovic
Click to expand...

Thanks for you advice. I will definitely look into this books and gain some insight on dating and relationships. Like I told another Fapstronaut, I thought about what the previous replies when I first posted this thread back in August. From that point on, I focused on myself such as my new job, and decided to do some speed dating. And I actually got a date! Still learning though, but I will take some of your considerations. Thank you and have a great New Year!!
 
Ultratard said:
You poor soul and all that is so unfair. I am 35 and also tried everything and still trying but I can't defeat this pathetic disgusting vile "vice" and I did everything I thought that I could and took any opportunity I thought I could or maybe I didn't...
Click to expand...

I totally understand where you're coming from bro I hear you. Even though this was posted was months ago, I was at a point in my life where I felt really desperate and hopeless. As I read through the new posts during the last few weeks, I got further encouragement from the other Fapstronauts. We have to work on ourselves man. And we have to stop thinking that being with a woman can save us from our troubles or give us confidence and etc. Sounds so cliché, but it's true. During the last few months, I did exactly what everyone told me. I focused on getting a better job and even went to speed dating events to start off. Sometimes you have try something different to order to gain experience. And most importantly, don't even give up on yourself. You're doing a great job by being here. I wish you the best of luck towards the new year!!
 
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