365 Days of No PMO

Friends,

Peace.

Before I begin my analysis of this time frame, I wish to add some context in the form of links. These help me as a kind of "journal library" for easier future reference, but perhaps they will help you see that my journey was one full of ups & downs.

My Journal
90 Days of No PMO Success Story
180 Days of No PMO Success Story

There was no log for 270 Days of No PMO because I was busy, & my time slipped from me. This is why I write this entry on Day 364 of my recovery; I would rather write it than not, & there will not be time tomorrow for such a thing as this. Indeed, at least for my part, I do wish to have had a log for 270 Days. It is intriguing & profitable to look back on the experience.

Now to the point at hand.

This fourth 90 day period was actually the hardest time (perhaps besides the first week or so of the first 90 day period). One might be surprised in this--but let this be a lesson for all; namely, that temptations and difficulties come as they will, regardless of the length of the streak.

The particular difficulties can be seen in my journal. They start at Day 286 and conclude at Day 290.

I am glad I wrote these down; they reveal a lot about my temptations and resolutions.

For those who will not skim that encounter: The unexpected trigger that started the great trial was seeing fetish items at a thrift store. My outing was an innocent adventure that quickly became a fiery temptation.

I denied the opportunity, but the thought long lingered. At some point, I caved into looking up the fetish items. This eventually lead to a kind of "fishing" that led to fetish related comics. This might justly be considered a reset and not a relapse; I did not reset the counter for diverse reasons (it was more fetish related & not explicitly pornography...though this is a weak argument). A stricter man would have done so.

Even so, the moment--though terrible in every way--was very short lived, & I moved on.

From this, I would caution people to be watchful; even at such a late stage, a trigger gently lead me down one temptation to another. It is as the slow boiling of a frog; it does not recognize its doom is already settled...One must be vigilant and quickly cast aside triggers, bad habits, p-subs, &c.

I am glad that I was able to move on.

That is another thing that I urge people here to learn from this time. If you suffer a defeat, do not believe the lie that one might as well binge! Because I moved on with my life, my miseries were short-lived and not as much was lost. I am very glad that I refused to act out on my temptations.

For my part, I also immediately made due penance (not only in the tradition of my Catholic religion, but really even in the order of nature). I was quick to make amends for my failure. My schedule was altered. I contacted real life friends and NoFap friends. I wrote more journals in order to vent. &c.

There are some journal quotes that are worthwhile for me to remember in this struggle:

St. Paul (& others) say in different places & in different ways that the man of the flesh will seek the flesh to his destruction. He does not understand the spirit & ultimately rejects it. St. Thomas Aquinas (building up on over 1000 years of tradition) basically says that sin makes you stupid--and he even goes so far as to say that lust is the main gate to this stupidity.

Of course, this is reflected in many writings (see Dante). It makes sense on the natural level. Lust is arguably the most natural of the deadly sins (it corrupts such a common feeling of nature), & so, they say in better ways than this, it is the least deadly. This said, however, lust makes a man more materialistic, sensual, worldly, &c. This is where St. Paul's writings confirm the idea that lust is a gateway to worse things. Sure, lust in itself does not seem so bad...but lust often becomes the idol to which all other things are brazenly sacrificed (human dignity of self & others; duties; money; energy; virtue). It leads to the other deadly sins.

This is a long way of saying that this is what I am experiencing.

My reason is clouded. It is almost as if I turned off the "spiritual switch" for too long. A lot of things, in this cloud, do not make sense. Sure, they make sense in a logical, mathematical way...but they do not pierce the mind & heart.

Currently, my body still feels as a terrible fire. Every nerve ending (not just of my "lower part", but even my hands, chest, &c.) has had a taste of hunger. My body is crying out for PMO. It sometimes shakes.

I woke up still really wanting to act out. I woke up feeling guilty. The guilt almost makes me want to give up--& this, too, is a part of being in that cloud of the senses that obscures reason.

I am an emotional mess. My priorities seem off. My motivation is low. I feel a weight of shame. I feel a kind of hate. There is the question of "Why did I have to see the fetish items at the store?," & why did I start "fishing" for fetish things yesterday (after two days away from the triggering event)?
​

And

After my initial post this morning, I did indeed go to Mass. I prayed as best as I could. There is a great mystery in it all, & I still gave myself to that mystery. I offered my prayers for recovery with Christ the High Priest. Though I could not receive the Eucharist in good conscience, I was still able to adore God & beg for His Divine Mercy.

After Mass, I went to the chapel. As I recall, my time was partially focused--maybe even mostly focused. It was near the end of it that I was most moved. I lied down on the floor in prostration. I thought about Magdalen, who had seven devils driven out of her by Christ. I thought of the adulterous woman at the well, whom Christ in His Mercy brought to Himself.

I offered my strains in place of spikenard perfume. I would have given the Lord tears, if I had any to spend. I told Our Lord of my little good will & my small faith; the Samaritan women had these, & they were enough to win the complacency of God--sinner though she was...

Face to the floor for some time, I told God that I could not endure without His Hand. I cannot remember all that I had said. I felt a degree of comfort. It is as if I said to God, "I am nothing without You; arguably, I am in some ways less than nothing--for as it is said, at least nothing does not offend God! And so, take pity on me; I am weak. There is no other way than by You."

And I went to work.

Work was almost entirely a time of planning a binging session. This was almost eight hours of a wandering mind. I was being consumed, like yesterday. My heart, mind, & body were blackened with this taint. I was very committed--like an arrow with precision to its target--to buy fetish items, skip confession, & binge to PMO in diverse ways.

This was not exactly an easy decision to arrive at. My conscience was panged, & my body was reacting violently. It was not comfortable, but I wanted to escape. It is the classic trap...that is, the "I do not want PMO, but I also do not want this dreadful feeling any longer!"

Every now & again, I would have some success in putting away the temptations--but it was never really successful. If the images were not on the mind, there was almost a passive effect lingering. There was this great surge that had its mission. It was not so easily doused. It was like a shadow or some such thing.

It came to a point when I was struggling to reason my way out of PMO (for I at least felt like I was committed at this point). Some of the inner-dialogue is as follows:

Q: What if you were found out? Would this not be an embarrassment?
A: At least, then, I would not live in hiding. Besides, everyone has their struggles. In many circles I would be pitied. And having the "gay" out for all to see would gain me an edge in today's political madness; I would be that much more above reproach.

Q: What about the streak? Do you not care for the length of the streak?
A: I might have already ruined the streak the other night. Besides, I can always do it again. I have gone higher in day's past. And, once more, so many people break their streaks. At least mine was of decent length! Perhaps I would garner more pity as well.

Q: What if your students found out?
A: Most if not all of the students struggle with PMO; again, at least I could say that this is not habitual. Let he without sin be the first to throw!

Q: What about the sinning involved?
A: God can forgive me.

---

This dialogue went on & on. There were many more things of this kind. None of the appeals satisfied.

And then, in the midst of the terrible strain of the addicted state of mind, there came a God-send. Though I am certain that struggles will surely wait ahead, this instant changed my circumstances instantly. This sort of thing practically never happens.

Anyway, an inspired question came to me:

Do you love God?

And that is where "the buck stops."

I answered in the affirmative. My PMO rationale shattered without a moment more. My straining mind was filled with clarity (I still had a headache from it all).

I could discard my honor, my reputation, & so many other things...but I could not throw out God.

I felt emotional. How did I not see this earlier? How?!

I answered that I love God, & this became a kind of prayer in itself. Sadness turned to a secret joy; the cloud dissipated. Of course, the answer was love!

This brought to mind some theological points as well--some about the sovereignty of God, some about the Person of the Father in the Trinity. It was a miniature miracle, I dare-say, & some ineffable mysteries were experienced.

This carried me all the way to the confessional. I made a plain confession about all of this stuff. I received absolution. The priest recommended that I revisit a reading from today's Mass. It seemed very providential to my circumstance.

It read:

Brothers and sisters:
The Spirit comes to the aid of our weakness;
for we do not know how to pray as we ought,
but the Spirit himself intercedes with inexpressible groanings.
And the one who searches hearts
knows what is the intention of the Spirit,
because he intercedes for the holy ones
according to God’s will.

We know that all things work for good for those who love God,
who are called according to his purpose.
For those he foreknew he also predestined
to be conformed to the image of his Son,
so that he might be the firstborn
among many brothers.
And those he predestined he also called;
and those he called he also justified;
and those he justified he also glorified.
---

And now, here I am, committed again. I still feel a bit of the tug of the fetish (there is the desire for the intimacy it [falsely] promises), but it is not consuming. I also still feel the headache.

There will not be any more of this foolishness. Yesterday was an isolated incident. I intend to keep it that way.

I still expect the journey to be rough, but I hope to hold onto the lessons here-in learned.

Thank you for the support. Please keep an eye (or two) on me.

I look forward to Day 365 and beyond.

---
And

I woke up with a headache. I still have a headache.

Suffice to say, the body was not meant to endure such a long state of extreme arousal & then be refused.

For a point of comparison...simply imagine your own most difficult time of PMO temptation. Then, because I am not convinced you are sufficiently convinced of my misery, multiply that temptation by three, just to be sure that we are at least on par. (Half joking...)

Then, just do nothing about it--or rather, do something, that is, not acting out on it.

Of course, as I openly admit, I did "get the cogs going," as they say, by pornography/p-sub/whatever usage. This likely made my current situation more difficult.

My thoughts on the headache:

-A just punishment, well earned (my mind goes to Pirates: "No, that one I deserved.").
-Hopefully, my body stores this information in its depths so as to more solidly avoid what lead to its creation.

---
BACK TO THE PRESENT TIME:
Sorry for the long, out of context posts. Again, a part of this entry is for myself! These things are good to remember.

That crazy trial was the only super difficulty of this last 90 day period, & it was arguably the hardest of all 365 Days. And yet, despite the difficulty and the headaches, I was able to move on to normalcy with relative speed.

I am thankful for this first year on NoFap. I am thankful for being basically clean for the year 365 days of no MO and for the "stricter" counters, 364 days and about 23-24 hours of no P (if my usage would even constitute such a thing--and even so, it would be a reset and not a relapse, for which I am grateful).

A lot happened in this year as well. I joined NoFap. I got a new job. I went from a daily depression to feeling normal. I studied to learn a new trade (still in progress...). I gained a new living quarters and a new roommate.

I think other good things are on the horizon.

For those who have been following me this whole time; thank you. My "climbing up the streak ladder" has been successful (aside: this entails getting back to the previous streak one had before). My next goal in this matter will be a little short of two years--so two years to be sure. If I achieve this, I will be holding the longest streak in my life since I encountered PMO as a youth.

Remember, there is hope! The journey is rough, but it is worth it. The mind can change. I still struggle, but indeed, there are many days wherein the mind no longer craves the past cravings. This would have seemed impossible to me some years ago. And so, if this is how it is now, what more can be if I stay on this road?

If anything happens between today & tomorrow, I shall update the post.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to write them. I will get to them as I might.

Thanks,
God bless,
A Modern Miroku

Post-script:

As I began (Day 90 Success story), so I will end, with a video from March Comes in Like a Lion.



post-post-script:

I have been planning to re-watch this series. Alas, I do not like to watch things alone. If you wish to join me in this, I might write about it in my journal & elsewhere. The series is about normal people trying to get by. It has a diversity of ages represented. Despite the media format (anime), the show is fairly normal and approachable (I would not have watched it without solid recommendations). It watches like an animated, Japanese Dickens' novel (granted, Dickens would have done it better). Anyway, I was planning on doing about 1 or 2 episodes a week (because, in addition to not watching things alone, I also do not binge watch shows). Anyway, that is that. Keep in touch if you are interested. Struggling and gaining streaks are better in company; so too, is watching a warming show.

 

@L0ngstreak : Thanks for stopping by! It was rather a long post--so no worries about reading everything. I bid you best wishes on your own journey.

@Redemptionisrequired : Always good to see the Ranger (I suppose one of two that make the rounds in my part of the woods) stalking my posts. Your words--even as an anonymous fellow--are well received. Thank you. Now it is your turn to pass the mark! And I think it shall be easier for a man such as yourself. To paraphrase an old saint: I have gone before you; but let the strong follow after the weak. If a man such as myself can make it, you will meet me with even greater facility.

@Life Project : Thanks! I am glad you gleamed something from my rambling. I plan to keep on going. This whole thing--with its struggles and all--have taught me many lessons. If I carry on, I will learn more, & certain things shall only grow easier...even should new trials be found along the way!

 

@neversaynever : I could write much on this, but I choose brevity.

To start, some of your questions do not relate to me; they take certain presuppositions.

As for my abbreviated reasons:

I am a Catholic, so I follow the moral and natural law.

And even if that were not so, I am indeed an addict. As such, I can no longer separate the fetish from addiction (supposing that were possible, anyway). And patterns of addiction do not offer an "outlook preserved, a handle to reality," or "a gateway to exploration" but rather the opposites: an outlook destroyed; a handle to unreality, lunacy, & depression; and a gateway to hell.

@1john4:4 : Thanks for stopping by!

EDIT: Additionally, my journal explains more of my journey. Therein, it describes my reasons in better context. My life has led to a desire for evangelical perfection (for my current state in life); this includes absolute chastity (recall Christ speaking about "eunuchs for the Kingdom" & St. Paul's counsels on the celibate life). This grants a joy that rises beyond the flesh. For those who know of this, no words are needed. For those who know not of this, no words shall ever suffice.

 

@neversaynever : I appreciate your support, but this is where we must part ways; I disagree in too many capacities (examples: new, unused [undefined] terms added to the dialogue; false dichotomy made between knowing [a vague term] and evangelical life as well as between grace & knowing; insufficient view of grace [essentially removing from God His omnipotence]; logical fallacy [that knowing can only come through knowing...but whence ever comes the knowing if one knows not to begin?...if knowing only begets knowing...?].

Adam and Eve were told very similar things, long ago.

Best wishes, & God bless.
AMM

 

@Oscar.Drai : Thanks--really! I need as many prayers as is possible. If you ever have prayer requests, feel free to send them my way in a private message.

God bless,
A Modern Miroku