39 months - What will happen to me ?

[Experiment1996]

Hi guys.

Check out my 36 months post for more background information.

I really don't know how long my PMO past will haunt me. I am really tired of it. I finally want to close this chapter for good. My PMO addiction was beaten a long time ago. But I still have the negative consequences (PAWS) from PMO addiction. So I am still connected to PMO in some way. PAWS = Post acute withdrawal symptoms.

I don't work and I didn't work most of the time during PAWS. I am still not part of this society, unfortunately. I am still excluded from society. I live on my savings. Years have passed and I am still a prisoner. It's like all the other people live in their world and I live in my world. As if I am in a parallel world.

I get up in the morning and I don't feel any emotions. I don't feel happy and I don't feel sad. I feel no motivation, no drive and no energy to do anything productive. I don't feel any positive feelings or so-called vibrations in my body and in my brain. I get up and that's it. I am like a robot. I don't feel human. My facial expression is exactly the same most of the time. I look jaded, numb and bored. My brain is still numb. My senses are numb. My brain feels no stimuli. Everything feels exactly the same. I spend most of my time outside in the city. I watch people walking, eating, talking, laughing. I walk 1 hour per day. That's it.

Only people who have been through this themselves can understand. Otherwise, no one really understands you. It's unnatural and a real suffering.

Personally, I think my experience with PAWS so far is worse than the following:

- Death of a loved one or death in the family or when all your relatives die at once.

- Let's say you are rich and you have 100 million in your bank account. You lose all your money.

- Being completely paralysed for 4 years and being in a wheelchair.

- To have a severe fever for 4 years.

- To be blind for 4 years

- To be deaf for 4 years.

- To be mute for 4 years.

- To be homeless for 4 years.

- To work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no days off, for 4 years.

I can only imagine that a very bad disease like MS or cancer or a severe chronic pain could be worse than my previous experience with PAWS.

These success stories keep me alive. They write:

42 months PAWS 1 - Benzodiazepine

42 months PAWS 2 - Benzodiazepine

43 months PAWS 3- Benzodiazepine

Here are 2 more recent posts from me:

Social anxiety - Exposure therapy - My experience

Anhedonia - My experience - Will it ever go away ?

I will publish another post when I have 42 months behind me.

Greetings you suckers

 

[agentrs11]

Hi guys.

Check out my 36 months post for more background information.

I really don't know how long my PMO past will haunt me. I am really tired of it. I finally want to close this chapter for good. My PMO addiction was beaten a long time ago. But I still have the negative consequences (PAWS) from PMO addiction. So I am still connected to PMO in some way. PAWS = Post acute withdrawal symptoms.

I don't work and I didn't work most of the time during PAWS. I am still not part of this society, unfortunately. I am still excluded from society. I live on my savings. Years have passed and I am still a prisoner. It's like all the other people live in their world and I live in my world. As if I am in a parallel world.

I get up in the morning and I don't feel any emotions. I don't feel happy and I don't feel sad. I feel no motivation, no drive and no energy to do anything productive. I don't feel any positive feelings or so-called vibrations in my body and in my brain. I get up and that's it. I am like a robot. I don't feel human. My facial expression is exactly the same most of the time. I look jaded, numb and bored. My brain is still numb. My senses are numb. My brain feels no stimuli. Everything feels exactly the same. I spend most of my time outside in the city. I watch people walking, eating, talking, laughing. I walk 1 hour per day. That's it.

Only people who have been through this themselves can understand. Otherwise, no one really understands you. It's unnatural and a real suffering.

Personally, I think my experience with PAWS so far is worse than the following:

- Death of a loved one or death in the family or when all your relatives die at once.

- Let's say you are rich and you have 100 million in your bank account. You lose all your money.

- Being completely paralysed for 4 years and being in a wheelchair.

- To have a severe fever for 4 years.

- To be blind for 4 years

- To be deaf for 4 years.

- To be mute for 4 years.

- To be homeless for 4 years.

- To work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no days off, for 4 years.

I can only imagine that a very bad disease like MS or cancer or a severe chronic pain could be worse than my previous experience with PAWS.

These success stories keep me alive. They write:

42 months PAWS 1 - Benzodiazepine

42 months PAWS 2 - Benzodiazepine

43 months PAWS 3- Benzodiazepine

Here are 2 more recent posts from me:

Social anxiety - Exposure therapy - My experience

Anhedonia - My experience - Will it ever go away ?

I will publish another post when I have 42 months behind me.

Greetings you suckers

So actually you've been in the process for almost four years now, suffering from paws. There is not a drop of light in your story and the descriptions you have given here are unbearably difficult. I lost all desire to continue the process after reading your post. I know you hate me from other posts after not very nice comments you wrote to me. I hope that one day you will feel good and be able to enjoy every little thing in life

 

[Experiment1996]

So actually you've been in the process for almost four years now, suffering from paws. There is not a drop of light in your story and the descriptions you have given here are unbearably difficult. I lost all desire to continue the process after reading your post. I know you hate me from other posts after not very nice comments you wrote to me. I hope that one day you will feel good and be able to enjoy every little thing in life

I don't hate you

I just don't like answering questions that I've already answered in my posts that you've read as well...

 

[Rostrock47]

How long have you been addicted to pmo?

 

[Experiment1996]

How long have you been addicted to pmo?

I have already answered that in my post.

 

[mentorr]

Hi guys.

Check out my 36 months post for more background information.

I really don't know how long my PMO past will haunt me. I am really tired of it. I finally want to close this chapter for good. My PMO addiction was beaten a long time ago. But I still have the negative consequences (PAWS) from PMO addiction. So I am still connected to PMO in some way. PAWS = Post acute withdrawal symptoms.

I don't work and I didn't work most of the time during PAWS. I am still not part of this society, unfortunately. I am still excluded from society. I live on my savings. Years have passed and I am still a prisoner. It's like all the other people live in their world and I live in my world. As if I am in a parallel world.

I get up in the morning and I don't feel any emotions. I don't feel happy and I don't feel sad. I feel no motivation, no drive and no energy to do anything productive. I don't feel any positive feelings or so-called vibrations in my body and in my brain. I get up and that's it. I am like a robot. I don't feel human. My facial expression is exactly the same most of the time. I look jaded, numb and bored. My brain is still numb. My senses are numb. My brain feels no stimuli. Everything feels exactly the same. I spend most of my time outside in the city. I watch people walking, eating, talking, laughing. I walk 1 hour per day. That's it.

Only people who have been through this themselves can understand. Otherwise, no one really understands you. It's unnatural and a real suffering.

Personally, I think my experience with PAWS so far is worse than the following:

- Death of a loved one or death in the family or when all your relatives die at once.

- Let's say you are rich and you have 100 million in your bank account. You lose all your money.

- Being completely paralysed for 4 years and being in a wheelchair.

- To have a severe fever for 4 years.

- To be blind for 4 years

- To be deaf for 4 years.

- To be mute for 4 years.

- To be homeless for 4 years.

- To work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no days off, for 4 years.

I can only imagine that a very bad disease like MS or cancer or a severe chronic pain could be worse than my previous experience with PAWS.

These success stories keep me alive. They write:

42 months PAWS 1 - Benzodiazepine

42 months PAWS 2 - Benzodiazepine

43 months PAWS 3- Benzodiazepine

Here are 2 more recent posts from me:

Social anxiety - Exposure therapy - My experience

Anhedonia - My experience - Will it ever go away ?

I will publish another post when I have 42 months behind me.

Greetings you suckers

@Experiment1996 it is sad to read such a negative post during such a successful streak.

I think we would all agree that PMO recovery is not only difficult but extremely unpleasant. As someone who has succeeded at curbing their PMO addiction, I was expecting a much more positive message.

Don't get me wrong; it is ok to get up in the morning and feel no emotions. It is ok to feel unhappy. It is ok to feel little to no motivation. These are all signs that you are heading in the right direction.

But to say that your experience is worse than being homeless or worse than being paralysed or worse than being deaf, I cannot quite comprehend or relate to.

Like I said, recovery is difficult, we all know that. However at 39 months start thinking about what you want life to be after your recovery. What have you learnt about yourself during these past 3 years? If you're not sure, what can you do to help others on their own journey? What can you do for those that have come before for you?

At 39 months you have a beautiful streak on your hands. I don't think it would unreasonable to start considering life after your recovery. What is it you want to do with your life once you "return?" Your glass is clearly half full rather than half empty and you seem to be ignoring that.

 

[Haberdasher]

I don't know you. But it sounds to me like you need to expand your social circle. We are made to do life with other people. Humans are pack animals. Dogs not cats.

Join a gym or a karate school. Go to church and join a small group or Sunday school class. Pick up a hobby. Go to the local community center and play mahjong. Surround yourself with people.

It'll be hard at first. Some of them will suck. Sometimes you'll join the wrong group and have to start over somewhere else. But push through.

Quitting porn was harder. You can do it. Make yourself meet people. Make irl friends and be a part of their lives. That's what's gonna get you out of the funk.

Good luck man. I'm praying for you.

 

[Roady]

Personally, I think my experience with PAWS so far is worse than the following:

- Death of a loved one or death in the family or when all your relatives die at once.

- Let's say you are rich and you have 100 million in your bank account. You lose all your money.

- Being completely paralysed for 4 years and being in a wheelchair.

- To have a severe fever for 4 years.

- To be blind for 4 years

- To be deaf for 4 years.

- To be mute for 4 years.

- To be homeless for 4 years.

- To work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no days off, for 4 years.

What you describe here are situations who has LOST a very lot.
You feel like you have LOST a very lot.
Maybe you feel like you are mourning over your losses. I did during my recovery.
Mourning is a process. Google it.
But if you stay within this process, something else is going on.

I hope and pray that you will find your way out of the darkness you are still in.