40 and can't believe I'm here

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Phlebas, Nov 12, 2014.

  1. Phlebas

    Phlebas New Fapstronaut

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    Wow, I can't believe I found my way here as I'm sure lots of us have said to ourselves. I'm just about to turn 40, I'm married, and my habit, let's call it, is just taking up too much of my life. I find myself wanting less intimacy with my wife, even choosing masturbation over sex more often than not. I work from a home office so the temptation is constant and my work has suffered too.

    I'm hoping to find some support from other men like me. It's been two days since my last session, and already it's all I think about all day long.

    I'm glad I found this place.
     
  2. JasonC

    JasonC Fapstronaut

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    I, and I'm sure many others here, can deeply relate to everything you've said in your introductory post. You've found the support you're looking for.
     
  3. DarkTunnel

    DarkTunnel Fapstronaut

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    Well you're already making good progress. I'm so determined to put and end to this bullshit.
     
  4. hillcountry

    hillcountry Fapstronaut

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    Phlebas, I'm 43, married, and joined last month. This is the best self-improvement tool toolong you will ever find, besides God's Word. It helped me put together an 11 day streak of not fapping to porn. I briefly relapsed last week, but I got back on track. The accountability you'll find here, if you find some guys you relate to and click with, can truly help! And anot her benefit I'm experiencing is more and better sex with my wife. She sees the difference in me. Good luck.
     
  5. evolve

    evolve Fapstronaut

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    Never's too late, right?
    Go for your goals
     
  6. tombrooks

    tombrooks Fapstronaut

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    Same situation here, married and I found porn more interesting than sex with my wife. I decided to make a stand just like you and I found this site about 2 weeks ago. Keep it up and let me know if you need an accountability partner
     
  7. anthrope

    anthrope Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on finding the courage to break the chains of addictive habits, Phlebas. There's a ton of support on nofap and on the internet and I hope you find what works best for you.

    Here's my version of the steps we can take to beat any addictive mindset. Hope it helps:
    1. Addiction is always about self image. There is a deeply embedded sense of not being worthy, that was picked up in early childhood and this usually manifests as a powerful feeling of insecurity and need for some form of closure. Very often you saw your mom, dad, or guardian's preoccupation with something other than you as meaning that you weren't important as you were, and that meant insecurity. This is prime addiction territory, because you feel insecure inside, and are looking for anything that will make you feel better.
    2. The addictive substance (porn, coke, C2H5OH, food, work) fires up the reward center in the brain. As a child, the addict stumbles upon this, and finds how pleasurable it feels. So she/he starts repeating the behavior in order to feel the pleasure again and again, simply to achieve the closure that their inner insecurity demands.
    3. Long term addiction rewires the reward center in the brain, and only the addictive substance appears to fire up the reward center, but only when the dosage is increased. More coke, more food, more porn or more variety in porn, etc.
    4. It is possible to start rewiring your reward center. Being mindful is a very good way to set about this. Each time the open ended feeling of insecurity shows up, which you usually fill with the addictive substance, be alert and mindful as long as you can. If you fail, that's okay, as long as you remember to be mindful just a little more each time.
    5. It is possible to entirely reverse the pathology to the brain caused by addictive behavior, simply by being aware of the behavior as it manifests. Again, mindfulness to the rescue. The intense discomfort of resisting your addiction is actually because your addiction related neural network is firing on all cylinders, and your reward center is demanding a hit. Once you start seeing your discomfort as brain rewiring, you start slowly being okay with it. This process takes time for most people.
    6. More mindfulness meditation = more results. Learning to simply be in the present moment, and learning to gently nudge your attention back to the present, no matter what thoughts drag it away, is your best bet against any addiction. Once this faculty of moving your attention from a thought to the present moment becomes established, you can do so with ease when the addictive thought shows up.
    7. Addiction removal is only a fraction of the story. There is a wonderful life full of love, friends, harmony and energetic accomplishment that being addiction free is all about. To actively start living this life without waiting for the addiction to be gone is the proper way. Every added measure of energy you get from not indulging in your addiction must be devoted to living your ideal life. Now.
     

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