40-Year Struggle Part 2: Recent Wins

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Rev2.0, Jan 23, 2020.

  1. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    As I previously shared, I've been lurking on this site for a few months now and it has been so helpful to me that I have joined the community in hopes of giving back. As a man who is older (53) than many on here, I have earned some insights that could hopefully be of help.

    In Part 1 I shared some things I've learned over nearly 40 years struggling with PMO (and M longer than that). This post will focus on my recent wins and Ill conclude the series with some thoughts on where I see the journey going next.

    Recent Wins

    - I achieved 90 days of no PMO about a year and a half ago. During that time the amount and quality of attention I got from women was like nothing I've experienced in my life--including a HOT flight attendant half my age who all but offered herself up to me on a flight. But because I was not able to follow up the reboot by rewiring with my wife, it didn't "take." Since then the streaks have been much shorter, usually 21-25 days, but I have maintained a "streak of streaks" and keep starting over and taking note of how to do better each time.

    - I have weaned myself off of hardcore P. Thanks in very large part to posts by members of this community, I finally realize the self-cuckoldry of watching another man (or men) f**k a woman and I am repulsed by it. The next step, and where my most recent streaks have ended, is with P-subs, specifically bikini and fitness models. There are a couple of gals in particular who I won't name but if I let myself see even one pic of them, I'm gone. I even have to watch it now just with pretty faces (especially eyes) on the web so some kind of fast in that regard is likely coming. Fantasies are also still a huge thing and I work with a number of smart, good- looking well-dressed women who give off indicators of interest and would provide plenty of fodder for my thought life if I don't keep it in check.

    - I have combined the above with a regimen of healthy eating (moderate complex carbs, moderately high protein and lots of healthy fats), strength oriented weightlifting and HIIT. My body (other than my dick) is in the best shape now since when I was in college...possibly better (6 feet, 180 lbs at 13% bodyfat). This has boosted my testosterone, and my confidence, and while that does cause an uptick in urges I will trade that 12 times out of 10 for my former spare tire, man boobs and no energy or libido.

    - Morning wood (or in my case, 4 a.m. wood) is coming back at a pretty regular frequency but with varying quality (i.e. barely over a semi some nights, pretty solid others). I have yet to return to 100% raging split-your-boxers hardons, but things are definitely--pun intended--looking up.

    - I have devoured many many hours of videos, podcasts, and articles about female psychology. Guys, it doesn't matter if you're looking to get laid by a different girl every night or you've been married 20 years and just want to get the magic back with your wife. You need to know what women really want (not what they say they want or what the romantic movies portray)-- and if you've been indoctrinated into Nice Guy thinking as I was, pretty much everything you're thinking and doing when it comes to women is wrong. Listen to both women and men on this topic, and find the areas where they agree. Even if you're married, or especially if you're married, watch some clips from dating coaches and learn what makes a woman lust for you at her core. They want this from us men--desperately--but so many of us are trapped in PMO that we're not showing up. And both sexes are suffering because of it.

    I will finish this series with Part 3 where I'll talk about where I plan to go from here.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2020
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  2. Marshall 5

    Marshall 5 Fapstronaut

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    This was also interesting to read, thanks! I have had some similar strains of development in my journey: increased exercise and better diet (makes such a huge difference for morale), coupled with learning about the Nice Guy phenomenon and realizing its effect on my life, and working to make improvements in this area.
     
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  3. Breach

    Breach Fapstronaut

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    Do you have any names in particular that you recommend?
     
  4. Uncomfortably Numb

    Uncomfortably Numb Fapstronaut

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    Interesting and relevant (I'm 54)
     
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  5. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    Corey Wayne and Robert Glover. Lots of great material from both of them all over the Internet and in print, and without the sleazy pickup artist vibe.

    There's also a gal who goes by Wingmam on YouTube that reinforces a lot of truths of those two guys but from a woman's perspective. I know the saying is you don't ask a fish how to catch fish but this woman is tuned in and on point.

    Thanks for asking.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020
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  6. Hello,

    Thanks for your posts. It's really insightful to hear from an older guy. I'm 31 and suffered from the nice guy syndrom my whole life. I was ashamed of my masculine traits my whole life and repressed a lot of things.

    I recently realized how being nice was killing my life and now I'm trying to figure out why I was a PMO addict, how to forgive my self with the help of my therapist.

    Nice Guy Syndrom and porn addiction fucked my life and I feel like I don't know more about women and sexuality than a 15 year old boy. My Nice Guy Syndrom prevented me for my whole life to accept that women also want sex and also like kinky stuff. I always lived with the belief that they don't want to be led, commanded, "dominated" so I always stayed in the background in order not to "intrude" their space. And I felt terrible anger when I was seeing other guys get what I didn't because I was just withdrawn.

    What advice can you give to guys like me who are nice guys. I'm rebuilding my whole perception of life, relationships, men, women, sex and sexuality right now, and it's a slow and difficult process. It's bey difficult to break old thinking patterns and beliefs.

    Do you have any advice that can help in this process? Ehat has helped you personally? And how long did it take to change? When did you realize about your Nice Guy problem?

    Thanks so much
     
  7. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    Hey there, thank you for the kind words. So much of Nice Guy syndrome is rooted in the paralyzing fear of not being liked. So we adopt all these "pleaser" submissive behaviors, keep our opinions to ourselves etc. and the end result is we are liked by almost everyone but loved by very few (and sexually desired by even fewer).

    I realized how much this was who I was when they asked us at an office party to describe ourself as a food and I said I was macaroni and cheese: bland, readily available, acceptable in almost any situation and liked by many. The problem of course is that not a lot of people would go out of their way for mac and cheese or give up heaven and earth to have it, but that's the tradeoff, isn't it? As a married man there's not a lot of what I'm learning that I can appropriately put into practice with women other than my wife but I know she is seeing changes in me and likes them.

    I also strongly encourage you to get on a weightlifting program, if you are physically able, that legitimately challenges you. Heavy deadlifts and squats are hell on earth while you're doing them but when you start dominating that barbell you realize you can be dominant in other areas too. You'll also jack up your testosterone and start looking better (which DOES matter to women regardless of what anyone says).

    The final thing is, if/when you're dating, do not accept being friendzoned if you want more. You have to be willing to walk away from the relationship if there is unbalanced attraction. There's nothing wrong with having women as friends but if she's clearly expressed no interest but you keep watching her kids or fixing her washer or changing her tire just to stay in her orbit when what you really want to do is f*** her, that is the most unhealthy place you can be. I spent all of my 20s as a "best friend" of various women but never got physical with any of them. I wish like everything I could go back to that time knowing then what I know now... but regret is also a Nice Guy symptom (and very unappealing to women) so that's something I'm working through now as well.

    Hopefully at least some of this helps. All the best on your journey of re-invention!
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020
  8. Thanks so much. I'm slowly starting to get my power back. I recently learned how accepting to be an orbiter was killing my soul and self-esteem and I've started to walk away from those situations. There's actually like 4 or 5 girls who used me as an orbiter and who would ask me for help all the time their boyfriend wouldn't take care of them (fix the dishwasher, drive them around town, help move furniture, psychological support). Well, FUCK THAT SHIT.

    I've been lifting weight for 7 years now. I think I need to improve my social skills more.

    Do you know the book Not Nice by Dr. Aziz? It's 10x better than NMMNG. I recommend it.
     
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  9. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    Haven't heard of Not Nice but I will check it out.

    The story about orbiting reminded me of something. I live in a college town and when wifey and I sold some furniture the buyer was a female student. She came over to pick it up and she was smoking hot. It was the middle of summer and she had shorts and a tight tank top on and the poor schmuck whose truck and back she was using to move the couch was sooo clearly not getting anything from her but blue balls. In fact this was a situation where had I been single and pure alpha I could have sent the beta guy away for an hour, banged the girl, taken her money for the couch and sent her home with the beta. I saw that poor guy and realized how much of my past he represented.
     
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  10. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    Starting to wonder if nice guy syndrome and PMO go together. Is the "nice guy" more prone to porn addiction because he can not get laid so turns to porn as a subtistute and this leads to more nice guy behavior and then addiction? I am starting to think that I see a connection here. What do you guys think?
     
  11. Marshall 5

    Marshall 5 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I believe there is a absolutely a connection. Robert Glover notes this in his No More Mr. Nice Guy book too. Nice guys often have discomfort with their own sexuality (in ways they may not even consciously realize) and act out in ways that include PMO.
     
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  12. Have you fixed your problem with sexuality?
    I myself have a huge problem with sex and my sexuality but I don't even know what it is or why this is. I'm exploring that with my therapist but started doing so 1 week ago so not much progress. I don't know why I feel so ashamed of sex. I think it's because I was shamed when I was young for hitting on a girl and some feminist conditioning.
     
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  13. Marshall 5

    Marshall 5 Fapstronaut

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    I have come to understand myself much better. Great improvements. But completely fixed? No, it's an ongoing process of discovery, I'd say. Keep up the good work though, because embracing this side of yourself will positively affect other areas of your life too.
     
  14. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    I believe there is absolutely a strong connection between Nice Guy syndrome and PMO addiction. In my case, there was no reason I should not have been enjoying sex IRL while I was single and in my 20s. Between graduate school, a job that took me all over the U S., and playing in bands I know I missed out on sex with at least a dozen women that in retrospect could and should have been slam dunks, plus probably at least 100 more that I never even noticed being lost in a fog of self doubt and never having been taught how to know a woman was interested. Yet I was angry that I was never having these chances (as if the woman was literally supposed to take off her clothes in front of me and tell me she wanted me) and would go back to my hotel room or apartment and take care of myself thinking, that was the best I could do--and all I deserved. More recently, as a married man, I had gone to PMO for release and self medication during a really hard stretch of years that included losing my job, moving, and the deaths of the other two men in my family (father and brother) combined with my wife being sexually unavailable to me due to her health issues and my own ED which I now know was PIED.

    So yes to me, confronting my Nice Guy syndrome and getting clean of PMO are two fronts of the same war.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2020
  15. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    Many thanks guys, your comments have been really insightfull. I remember watching this video once which said you should not be nice, that being nice was a pretense. We should aspire to be good men not nice guys. Be strong, just, fair and opinionated. Don't be a pushover and act all nice because your fear the dislike of others. I really see I need to address my nice guy fly under the radar mentality and stop worrying all the time. I swear I spend too much time in my own head, never acting and forever procrastinating. I need to start making more decisions and stop letting issues drag on in fair of the opinions of others.
     
  16. Tonytone

    Tonytone Fapstronaut

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    Another great post.
     
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  17. Tonytone

    Tonytone Fapstronaut

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    "Re-invention." Yes!!! This is what I need!!
     
  18. Tonytone

    Tonytone Fapstronaut

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    Wow, I've never thought of that before. Excellent insight as far as I'm concerned, brother. I can completely agree with this, personally.
     
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  19. Dave G 123

    Dave G 123 Fapstronaut

    Did I write this...?
     
  20. greenmtnboy

    greenmtnboy Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your insights. "Nice guys finish last". Plus you have the Me Too movement, feminism and many trends which put women in the driver's seat.

    I have a friend who lost his mother a few years ago, is over 50, tried the dating scene. "Sam" has some great attributes and assets, but does not fit the profile girls are looking for, typology of Hollywood or other "look" that they recognize as desirable. Girls like friendly pursuits, the dalliance and falling into love.

    There is potentially a girl for every guy. American culture can be pretty selfish and superficial, girls want healthy guys with money, guys want girls who fit online stereotypes. The question should be what do you need, not want. Use relationships are seldom healthy. It is a lot of give and take in real relationships, most don't want drama.
     

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