40 years worth of addiction.....This won't be easy.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Sante364, Oct 12, 2019 at 8:31 PM.

  1. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    On Monday, October 7 2019, I deleted over 10TB of porn......

    I'm 56 years old. I am successful. I have a beautiful house. I have exotic cars. I own my own business. I make plenty of money. I travel the world. I am not socially awkward. I can make friends easily. I am highly respected in my field, and have a large number of professional relationships. I am attractive. Women flirt with me. I am charming. I don't suffer from any physical ailments. I have everything going for me, to the point where life sometimes feels like a dream.

    My wife is 15 years younger than me, and looks like she's barely in her early 30s. She's absolutely stunning, with a face & body that turns heads. When we go to a restaurant, the room goes quiet when we walk in. Men & women stare in awe at her. She's extremely sexy. She has no sexual limits. Nothing is off the table. She's kinky. She has a huge collection of sexy outfits. She loves to dress up for me. She desires me all the time.

    We've had sex only once in the last 2 years!

    Here's my story:

    I was first exposed to hardcore porn when I was a teenager, in the 1970s. A distant relative was showing me his new VCR. I hit the "play" button and I saw a few seconds of my first hardcore porn: Deep Throat. Upon seeing it, my excitement & heart rate went through the roof. I asked to borrow it. Reluctantly, he let me. I made a copy. As a teenager, I had very few opportunities to watch it. But I held on to it and watched it when I could, maybe a few times a year.

    Fast forward (no pun intended) a few years. I'm now in college, in my early 20s. VCRs are more readily available. Video rental stores become a thing. Many of them have the "adult" section behind a curtain. I started renting porn a few times a month...then a few times a week. I was still young and had a strong libido. When the opportunity for sex presented itself, I was up for the task. I was in college after all. But I loved porn.

    Over time, I started watching more & more porn. I was renting tapes from multiple stores, to hide the fact that it was a daily habit for me.

    My first experience with ED (or as I now understand, PIED) was when a woman and I were flirting, and wound up in bed one evening. I couldn't perform. This had never happened to me! I was mortified. I did everything I could think of to get hard, but couldn't. This happened a few more times with her, until she gave up. My embarrassment was absolute.

    I then turned to porn more & more. I lost any inhibitions associated with going to a video rental store and seeing the same clerks every day. I didn't care. I was so anxious and bitter over my inability to perform sexually, that I inadvertently turned to the habit that actually caused the problem in the first place. But I had no clue.

    I avoided dating and just used porn in lieu of sex. I knew this was developing in to a bad habit, especially for a healthy 20-something year old man. The ED (PIED) situation manifested itself a few more times, but not always.

    Eventually, I met a woman and we started dating. I was able to perform with her, and enjoyed it. She was sexy, sexual, and fun. I stopped watching porn and started having normal sex. We married and had a few kids.

    But old habits die hard.....I started watching porn again once things become more routine. I'd sneak out of our home while she was sleeping, go to the video rental store, and rent multiple tapes. I'd watch them while she slept. I hid them, and returned them the following day. At that time (late 80s/early 90s), porn started getting more extreme, and my addiction to it became more cemented. Dial up BBS & internet porn became a thing, and it allowed me to consume more porn with more anonymity. I no longer needed to sneak out of the house. All I had to do was "stay at work late" every night...all so I could watch more & more porn. In my quest for more extreme stuff, I switched from basic porn to BDSM porn.

    My addiction made it so my wife could no longer satisfy my needs. I needed more.

    While on a business trip to another city, I met an unusually attractive woman. We started talking, and she eventually disclosed her fantasy of being in a D/S relationship. I started having an affair with her. The sex was like nothing I had ever experienced. Despite knowing that I was being unfaithful to my wife, I was unable to detach from my newfound lover. Divorce was inevitable.

    But, like clockwork, even the kinkiest of relationships became routine, and I turned to porn to satisfy a never quenchable thirst for sexual arousal and orgasm.

    Around the year 2000, because of my addiction to porn, I had fucked up yet another relationship and threw away another beautiful woman that loved & adored me.

    I was just under 40. Rather than face inward and recognize how much porn was destroying me, I instead decided to date a different type of woman. I signed up on a few kink-centric dating sites. I quickly met some new women. In short order, I found myself in a whole new sexual world: outrageous parties, extreme kink, group sex, orgies, drugs....It was like I had walked in to my own personal version of a porn movie. It was sensory overload. It was unreal. It was awesome....but.

    Despite suddenly having unlimited access to whatever sexual situation anyone could have ever imagined, I could almost never really perform. I'd have to almost OD on ED meds just to get an erection that would last only a short while. Deep in my mind, I could not compare to the type of sex I was "having" when I was watching porn. I started using drugs, more as an excuse for not getting hard, than because I actually liked using them. The crazy parties went on & on for a few years. Everybody was fucking their brains out. My participation was minimal. Instead, I just got fucked up and tried to have as good a time as possible under the circumstances. It became hell for me: I was smack in the middle of an environment I dreamed of, and I was powerless to actually enjoy it.

    Around 2010, while in the midst of the craziness, I met a woman. She's been my wife for several years now. I articulated about her early in this post.

    Like in the past, the newness of the relationship resulted in great sex, and a reduction in my viewing of porn. I managed to overcome my "ED" (really, PIED) by always having ED meds nearby. Her lack of inhibitions and openness to all sorts of sexual situations facilitated yet another period of exciting times for me. The first few years were better than anything I had ever experienced. I felt that I had actually found my nirvana. A wonderful, sexy, loyal wife who is also my best friend. At various times, we engaged in all sorts of sex. It was as good as it could have been.

    But porn wasn't done with me. It never had been done with me.

    The pattern was identical to the ones I had experienced for decades: I started watching porn again. At first, infrequently. Then, it consumed me, just like every other time. But now, I had a gigabit connection to the web. I know technology. I know how to hide my tracks and ensure nobody will ever find out. I have unlimited disk storage. I downloaded it by the gigabyte....storing it on a NAS...cataloging it...downloading more than I could ever watch.

    I found myself using every possible free minute to access porn. I'd watch it when my wife was in the shower...cooking...watching TV....at the gym... sleeping.... gardening..... any time I could, I would. I've had no hobbies, no interest in anything but work and porn.

    A few weeks ago, while reading cnn, I came across an article about porn addiction. I chose not to read it. But the subject stayed in my mind. I eventually found the article and read it, which led my to this site. The website name was easy enough to remember that I made a mental note of it and assumed I'd access it later. I've always known I had a problem, but never really faced it. I also started waking up to the fact that my porn addition was the sole reason I was avoiding sex with my wife. She deserved better than to be sexualy deprived.

    On Monday of this week (October 7, 2019), after another standard morning of accessing, downloading and viewing more & more extreme porn, I finally woke up. I did what I wished I had the sense and will power to do for decades. Stop.

    I permanently deleted tens of thousands of porn files. I removed all the mechanisms I used to access porn. I committed to myself to kill the addiction that has consumed the majority of my life for the better part of four decades. I signed up here and started reading.

    My wife, the best person in the universe, the most attractive woman I have ever seen in my life... the most sexually open & free woman I've ever known, the person who's been my best friend and stood by my side for over a decade, has been politely and patiently waiting for me to get my libido back. Until this week, she's had no idea why I lost my sex drive. Except for once, it's been 2+ years since we have had sex. A real waste.

    For better or worse, I disclosed my addiction to my wife, and explained why my libido has been non existent for so long. She's angry & hurt, as she should be. She deserves better. It will be several months before she's healed, if ever.

    It's been 5 days without porn. It's been a difficult 5 days. I need to undue 40 years of a shitty, nasty and destructive addiction. This will not be easy. This will not happen quickly.

    I'm going to need a lot of help.

    Thanks for reading.
    Jefe Rojo, Handzfree, James77 and 2 others like this.
  2. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Moderator Assistant
    Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    My Journal
    Hello and welcome! :)

    We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

    Getting Started Guide | How to Use the NoFap Forums | Panic Button | Day Counter | Rebooting Resources | Forum Rules | Glossary

    If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

    You can also take part in one of the many challenges available. It can be a tremendous help. Challenges

    Also, there are groups you can also join if you wish to do so. You can browse through them here. Groups

    There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
  3. ⏳⏳⏳

    ⏳⏳⏳ Fapstronaut

    Wow what a story!

    The (watch porn) -> (unable to have sex due to pied) -> (watch porn instead) cycle is truly vicious. The only way to break out of it is simply to stop with the porn. Simple but not easy as you must know now.

    You have introduced a new variable: your wife's knowledge of your problem. And also you've join this site. This novelty might give you an initial mental boost to fight through the early urges. Good luck!
  4. BillDunlop

    BillDunlop Fapstronaut

    I guess you read my story ?
    When you lose all your ability to achieve an erection anymore, and can no longer ejaculate anymore, and you have diabetic neurotic nephropathy, and have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and have led such a sedentary lifestyle sitting for 16 hours in a PC chair, and have leg, hip, knee, and sciatica, and have lost all sense of taste in your taste buds, and all foods have no taste what so ever, having the same texture as bland under cooked white rice, making you gag and throw up when you try to force your food down your throat, and you can no longer eat any regular foods without gagging, and you can no longer sit in a chair due to excruciatingly painful fissures and hemorrhoids, then you will find that sex and porn will completely go away, and masturbation and porn will be pointless, as you can no longer can feel any feeling sensation in your penis anymore, what so ever, and even a person giving you fellatio would give you absolutely no feeling or pleasure what so ever, as your penis is totally numb and dead, and only is a 1/2 inch fire hose for urination purpose's only, and to top that off you get Prostate and Colon cancer ... Masturbation and porn will become pointless ... as your nutritional consumption is limited to Boost® and Ensure® nutritional drinks twice per day ... and you are clinically dying from old age disease's, at age 60 years old ... and you do not have AIDS, nor any other sexually communicable disease's ... Sex and Porn will be completely pointless !

    Cancer is not even funny !

    Sometimes I think "The Creator" is getting me back for all the bad things I have done in life, punishing me in my "Golden Years" of life, striking me with multiple physical disabilities, and disease's.

    The worst day of my life, was when I got WEB TV (DialUp Internet), I immediately started watching porn, and became fascinated in Sex Chat Rooms.

    Then the 2nd worst day of my life, was when I got a PC, and my watching porn, and sitting in a chair for 16 hours per day, became non-stop.

    Using a vibrator on my glans my penis soon became totally permanently deadened, and from sitting in a chair it crushed my organs, and soon thereafter permanent ED set in.

    Diabetes and nerve nephropathy has made all of my appendages, nerves, blood vessels, and small blood capillaries die off, and shrivel up.

    My fingers and toes are completely numb, and cold, and I may face amputations.

    Soon Prostate and Colon cancer set in, making all sexual activity totally impossible.

    So now Porn does nothing for me anymore, as I can no longer have an erection, and I can not ejaculate.

    Even when receiving fellatio, I can no longer even experience any sense of feel in my deadened penis, and nothing can give me a climax anymore.

    I am a dead man walking, because of the Internet, and a sedentary lifestyle, sitting behind a PC, playing with myself, watching Porn.
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2019 at 3:46 AM
    Handzfree likes this.
  5. Monachos

    Monachos Fapstronaut

    I am restarting for the eleventy kabilionth time. Thank you for your story and your honesty. No it won't be easy but hopefully you will find help and support here.
  6. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Thanks. Each day gets easier. I was worried about the weekend...Lots of free time. It's noon on Sunday and I'm OK so far. Probably going to go for a nice drive. It's good to know that after 40 years, this is not a problem only I have to face. It's quite common. Blown away by all of this right now.
    Jefe Rojo and James77 like this.
  7. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut


    I'm your senior dude. About 6 years older than you. I've had my ups and downs and have now returned to this site after a period of self destruction. I read your opening post and I'm glad you're here. I found out about NF through Reddit. I've personally spoke with founder of NoFap... Alexander. He's helped a lot of people and he makes virtually no money from this site.

    You're a wise man to let your wife in on this. IMHO - please be honest and open with her as you work forward. Tell her you need help and ask her for it.

    A couple things I'd recommend. First, learn about "your addiction". What triggers you. Learn how to recognize the trigger and accept it without action and move on. There will always be a woman, there will always be temptation. A friend of mine who has been clean for several years tells me that woman recognize a man who is sober and they are attracted to him. To make a long story short, he was flashed by a woman on a train one night while sitting next to his wife. What I have learned is to accept the temptations and let them pass.

    Secondly, and I'm certainly willing to help if you wish... Find an accountability partner outside of your marriage. Someone you don't know that you can open up to without fear. That is why this site is so successful. It allows people to open up and be vulnerable. The other reason this site works is because of the support.

    I'm going to reset my counter and get a start again. I've had some long streaks and I want to make some serious changes in my life over the wintertime here in the midwest.

    IM me if you like to partner up, otherwise, keep posting. be honest and tell your wife you love her.

    Cheers, HF
    James77 and Sante364 like this.
  8. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Sent you an IM. Let me know that you received it.
  9. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

    got it buddy... you should a notification on the inbox menu top right of the page.

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