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40 years worth of addiction.....This won't be easy.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Sante364, Oct 12, 2019.

  1. BillDunlop

    BillDunlop Fapstronaut

    12
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    One day you wil lose ALL sexual abilities, and your penis will lose ALL nerve sensitivity, and you will NEVER EVER get a hardon, EVER AGAIN, and you will lose your ability to ever ejaculate, Whatsoever AT ALL ... What are your plans when this happens to you ... as this DID happen to me
     
  2. BillDunlop

    BillDunlop Fapstronaut

    12
    12
    3
    One day you will lose ALL sexual abilities, and your penis will lose ALL nerve sensitivity, and you will NEVER EVER get a hardon, EVER AGAIN, and you will lose your ability to ever ejaculate, Whatsoever AT ALL ... What are your plans when this happens to you ... as this DID happen to me
     
  3. BillDunlop

    BillDunlop Fapstronaut

    12
    12
    3
    One day you will lose ALL sexual abilities, and your penis will lose ALL nerve sensitivity, and you will NEVER EVER get a hardon, EVER AGAIN, and you will lose your ability to ever ejaculate, Whatsoever AT ALL ... What are your plans when this happens to you ... as this DID happen to me
     
  4. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Bill,
    My plan is for that to happen solely as a result of advanced age, if ever, and not as a result of porn & PMO. This is my commitment to myself.
     
    Buddhabro and Vendettana like this.
  5. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Spent all day yesterday with my wife at an event associated with her work.
    Once done, we went to dinner at a great restaurant in a swanky part of town.
    She looked gorgeous. Prada, Gucci & Chanel, all perfectly coordinated. It was unusual to spend time with her in business attire. She dresses up more provocatively when we go out. But this was a business event.
    Not being distracted by her attire or people staring was fun. I got to concentrate on her, talk with her, listen to her, rather than the woman I have been with for the last decade, who was far more symbolic of my addiction. I feel like we just started dating again. Frankly, her past and my addiction are well on their way to the trash heap, so we're both enjoying the "new us", albeit, my newness is substantially different.
    Went to bed shortly after getting home. Slept much better than I had in several days. Pleasant dreams as well. Really different from the four nights of horrific insomnia.
    Woke up with a major erection as well...More intense than the one I had experienced several days ago. Felt young, refreshed, invigorated.
    Hit the gym, on time. Added more weights than usual. Did more reps than usual. Did not need to refer to any external stimulation for the intense workout. I just have the energy and motivation.
    Awesome day at work as well. Lots of meetings. Management style has evolved in the last 17 days. I'm listening, participating, speaking, engaged.

    I feel like I'm engaged with life itself.
     
    Vendettana likes this.
  6. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Also discovered a few triggers: I was having a conversation at work that had the potential to result in some bad news. I immediately identified a thought pattern that would otherwise go unnoticed - It was along the lines of "meh, we can deal with this by watching porn and jerking off" - WOW.

    Another trigger: I haven't worn my robe since I deleted all my porn and quit. It's the robe I'd have on in the morning, when I'd watch. I'm not planning on discarding it. I want to be able to put it on and have zero fear of a reset, relapse, or anything. It'll be a while.

    I've become somewhat more aware of sexually suggestive advertising. Bus benches, busses, billboards, to a lesser extent. TV commercials that show a woman in a bikini. In the past, I couldn't care less, and would not acknowledge them. I had access to the good stuff, which was far more satisfying. Turns out, it's poison.

    My former habits were pretty intense. There's not a goddam piece of bus bench advertising that's going to cause a relapse. Not worried.

    My social media feeds are also not a concern. Mostly politics and some sports I follow. Tame.

    I'm getting my sexual confidence back, slowly. My wife and I both agree it'll be a while. That's however undetermined. My objectives, as far as sex with her is concerned, are a few: a) have it be intimate, emotional & real, and not like a porn scene.; b) Be present, and not think of anything but the two of us; c) Sweat....a lot. d) Have it be spontaneous. e) Never use ED pills again.

    Feeling unusually positive. Getting to know who I really am and what I am really made of.
     
  7. Thank you. I am waiting for my wife to be back here. That could be in two months. I crossed 100 days and have regular erections but do no think about sex. Whenever I see her picture, I'm getting hard. My only concern is that we have once sex, I finish way to fast and then everything will be like during my PMO days. So I keep my ED pills so far, I haven't thrown them away, because I do not want to disappoint my wife after months where we did not meet.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  8. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    I probably have 1,200 ED pills. I keep getting the prescription refilled. You're young. You've passed the 100 day mark (wow!). If you're worried about PE, there are many ways to deal with that. But the most important thing to remember, as far as I know, is women are more emotional than physical. If you habitually finish fast, then start slow. I'm pretty sure every man has had PE issues at one time or another. My biggest problems with ED came when I was doing alot of PMO and also taking ED pills. Not a good combination.
     
  9. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Day 18.

    Less euphoric than day 17, which was a bit over-the-top happy.

    Last night, I felt like I was sleeping with a huge erection all night long. Painful, but kinda exhilarating. Haven't had that in forever. My wife and I are being playful with each other. I've become horny as hell, something else I haven't felt in forever.

    Was considering sex if I can talk her into it...LOL. She keeps giving me evil laughs. She's not ready, despite the fact that up to 20 days ago, she used to kindly mention our lack of sexual contact for so long. Now that I'm feeling good, she's holding back. She's right. I need to go at least 90 days, maybe more. 40 years of a nasty habit is unlikley to be cure in 90 days, but who knows.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  10. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    It's friday night.
    My wife is getting herself ready for us to go out to dinner. It's our typical Friday night.
    She always looks spectacular.
    She takes her time to get ready. Hair, makeup, clothes, accessories.
    45 mins is quick.
    60 mins is the normal time
    120 mins is a for a wedding!
    Me? I take 5-10 mins max!

    So, historically, I have had a guaranteed 45-120 minutes of time to "myself" while she's in the next room getting herself even more gorgeous, and likely picking out just the right pair of heels.

    And what would I do, like clockwork? Yeah. PMO. Every goddam time. EVERY GODDAM TIME.

    Not tonight. I found myself cruising facebook (not a dangerous place for me), and I had a flash thought..."Hey..you got some free time..let's..." NO!

    My new habit when I'm at my computer and have an urge: PMO V2.0. Post More Often! :)

    Time for me to go get dressed.

    Another day, another glorious victory over addictive porn.

    PS: The irony of me whacking it to a screen, when 15 feet away, the woman of my dreams is getting all dressed up for my enjoyment. What the actual fuck is that all about?

    Sheesh!
     
  11. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    How long have you & your wife been apart from each other? That must be difficult.
     
  12. Wow, 1200 pills! Is it one of your investments? Lol. I have two pills left, that I have been cutting into four pieces. One quarter would assure almost 24hours of erection on demand. But the side effects were spectacular, stronger heartbeat and all parts of my body somehow bloated, over irrigated with blood. It felt strange, and fore sure it is not healthy. Even for the wedding night I had to take one in order not to deceive my wife.
    Yes, I do finish too fast, I always thought. And once my wife complained about it. I have the habit of making a lot of oral (no need for an erection) and on the reaction of the ladies, I think I am quite good at it. But my wife told me, it would clearly not be the same and penetration was better and the most arousing thing would be to feel a man come inside. Makes sense to me that nature has made us just like that. So there is no adequate workaround: a man must get hard!

    Yeah, this is pathetic. Like me. My wife was in the same room, doing something, and I just positioned myself so that she could not see the screen and browsed porn sites, looking for women who could not match her. My wife is African and she is just how you would imagine a beautiful African woman: joyful, smiling, straight posture, shoulders back, head is up, long legs, beautiful soft skin and curves... everywhere.
    Needless to say, I was only browsing the "ebony" categories looking for the same type of women who weren't prettier than her. I do feel ashamed for that.

    We married in May this year in her country where I was working before. It was a major trigger for me to stop PMO. I left her two months later and went to Europe, looking for a new job, that I still haven't. She cannot join me because she needs visas and the paperwork to be done. I cannot do this as long as I don't have a job and a stable place where I can stay. I cannot go to my parents because they dismissed me, when I told them, that I would marry an African woman. I had no contact to them for almost a year. Last Christmas they wished me failure in all my endeavors. Maybe this is better, I must solve this on my own. So far my wife and I are separated for a little more than four months. I hope I can make her come to Europe for Christmas at least.
    But the major aspect is to get a job. As this is a tedious task in Europe, I have opened myself to go to the UK and Canada. UK could be quick, Canada would take a year or so. But getting a job would be easier.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2019
    need4realchg likes this.
  13. Wow. Wow. Wow. Vendetta I am inspired my friend. You have a beautiful story. Hang in there. Ca va allez mieux... tu le sais!
     
    Vendettana and Sante364 like this.
  14. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Saturday morning. About to transition from 18 days to 19 days in a few hours. I can't believe that Monday will be three weeks. This is uncharted territory. Exciting.

    Had a great dinner last night, casual place nearby. Came home, swung by the PC to check for updates here, and went straight to bed. We're both not used to staying up late, so, anything past 10:00 PM starts getting tough.

    Slept well enough. Insomnia appears to gone, as well as unpleasant dreams. Those four nights (last week) of insomnia alone scare the crap out of me. Certainly a motivator for staying the course. Less so because of wanting to avoid the physical pain again, and moreseo because of the realization that the addiction caused/is causing such strong withdrawal symptoms. Who wants to be an addict?

    About to start my 3rd weekend with no PMO. Triggers are here. Saturday...No real agenda for the morning. No deadlines. My wife is in the kitchen, catching up on her views of the world, and I am in my home office, here, down the hall from her. This, like when she's getting ready to go out, was prime PMO time. So I'm feeling a little shaky...Butterflies in the stomach.

    Not afraid of reset, but acknowledging the fact that old habits die hard. If my wife were not home at the moment, I'd be freaking out just a bit.

    Hosting an adult halloween party tonight. Adult, in the sense that most of our friends don't have kids. The few friends that have them have been asked to get a sitter. A large part of the group we're expecting are part of the friends associated with our former life. Like us, they too have moved on from the intensity of past lives and are settled down and far more normal. We often laugh as we refer to those times as "the good ol days".

    I wonder, how many of them got in to that scene due to their own addiction to porn, wanting to make their reality imitate their porn addiction? I assumed nobody..just me. I always assumed that they all were naturals. Sure, they viewed poorn. But was life imitating art for them, like me? Some day, I'll have that conversation.

    Any sense of shame (fear of not being accepted) I had has diminished. I have spoken freely about my addiction, the causes, effects...everything I write about here, with one friend so far. He was blown away by it all. We have a small number of friends, who we see infrequently. I'm sure I'll bring it up with someone. My fears of being judged have diminished considerably. The power that comes with the freedom from shame is life altering.
     
    need4realchg and Vendettana like this.
  15. Thank you man. I hope you're right. I do believe that, although I sometimes despair. But what can I do other than face the challenge. The alternative is death.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  16. freedom from shame allows the opportunity to change.

    halloween party sounds like a great first test of how you are doing. I love that you aren’t afraid of it. Of course Reset is possible but you also know it’s the first time you have probably ever done a Halloween party without a constant pmo slush fund in the back of your mind. Your pain is likely to be mental anguish on holding the line or folding like a lawn chair. Decisions that have dopamine attached to them are never easy.

    what I suggest in preparation is to plan a celebration supposing you remain sober. If you complete your task —- treat your self. This will help even the score between one decision and the other.

    You are in the toughest part of the first stage still.
    Habits are like embedded terrorists... we must wage a dedicated campaign to kill them. let’s take the advantage instead of trying to wait them out.
     
    Sante364 likes this.
  17. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    FFS!

    My wife is playing old-school hip hop, trying on very provocative halloween outfits for tonight, and dancing around the house. She's evil laughing when I beg her (jokingly) to stop.

    Frustrating. But things could be so much worse. I'm smiling inside, and out.

    Off to the gym. 5 days in a row. Also uncharted territory. I have some serious weight I need to shed. My age and my weight and not a good combination. The extra energy I find myself having is being put to good use. I'd rather get a dopamine shot from a good workout than PMO. That's an addiction I've never had, but I'd welcome.

    Back in a few hrs. I have a few important emails to return (here), then i need to get to work prepping for this evening.
     
  18. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Today, I was suddenly immersed in triggers...high end triggers...

    After the gym, my wife needed to pick up a clothing accessory for her costume. She asked me to drive her to an adult novelty store nearby. The last time I was in there was a few years ago, maybe more. With her. We pulled up and parked, and I started having anxiety. I laughed & joked that perhaps I should wait in the car, because, I recall there being a decent sized adult DVD section. I decided to deal with it like an adult and accompany her in. The adult DVD section is gone, and it's a pretty tame "couples" store. She was unable to find exactly what she needed. So we went to another place that I had never been to, but she was aware of.

    This one was different. There was a decent sized DVD section, but, the adult toys section we needed to walk through to get to the clothing section she needed to see, definitely caused my anxiety to spike. Some adult toy (don't know what) featured a prominent picture of a few well known adult performers. One in particular was a go-to for me. I walked by as if nothing.

    In the back of my mind, I was processing it at 100%.

    In the end, none of it matters. I should be able to walk into a store and not let anything trigger me, including adult material, and especially images of past favorite performers. Avoiding this stuff is close to impossible. Dealing with it is what needs to happen. I'm not going to isolate myself from the world, which in some cases, may include involuntary exposure to elements of my addiction. For the last 19 days, I have avoided any exposure to anything that would be a trigger. But, recovering alcoholics are exposed to tons of alcohol, all day long: The grocery store, liquor stores, watching TV....it's everywhere. How do they do it?

    I concluded that, it's what I do with it that matters, not solely its existence.

    So, I just told myself: "OK. Sure, we're in a store full of very provocative material. And, oh, look over there, that's what's her face on the box of that whatever. Nice. Don't run home and be a pussy and PMO. You got this"

    I got this.

    I now really feel terrible for recovering alcoholics. Their strength is supernatural.
     
  19. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Ya. You get it. An unlimited supply of "happiness" to counter whatever unpleasant situation we might be facing. Stress, disappointment, loneliness....The list goes on.

    Synthetic, self-produced, cheap & fast happiness. Dopamine.

    No wonder drugs were called dope.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  20. Sante364

    Sante364 Fapstronaut

    Shit. Been updating the wrong thread.

    LOL!
     
    PaulPaul likes this.

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