44days - huge depressions, please help

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by cud, Dec 6, 2015.

  1. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone.

    I have been on NOFAP for a while. Being in the longest streaks ever but i have been going through fucking bad time of my life.

    I dont know. Only things keep staying in my mind and roaring out loud are those how fapping ruined my previous life. I only hear that it wont be better ever again. I wont find anyone like my ex-gf who broke-up with me after my problems with fapping and neglecting her. Like my life is ruined forever - i didnt feel like that 20days before. Seems like nothing from this world can make me happy again. I have no urges but the feeling is pretty bad like piece of shit somewhere by the road. Even music for me - used to be my great healer - sounds plain and with no effect. Nothing, I feel like empty skin bag with nothing just tragedy and sorrow inside!

    Anyone had the same feeling ever? Is it accountable to my streak? Flatline? Fuck it is like being hurt again and again and nothing helps....
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015
  2. ilovemyhand

    ilovemyhand Fapstronaut

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    I feel like you need somebody to tell you that it will get better - and you can bet it will, my friend!

    We all go through low points where we wonder if its ever going to get better. The last time I felt really down like that was actually 3 years ago when I was depressed and had severe social anxiety due to which I was also visiting a psychiatrist and a psychologist.

    I then found NoFap and things started getting better fast, but I still wondered if I haven't perhaps done irreversible damage to my brain and my life. I also felt burdened by my virginity, for which I had no guarantees that I will loose any time soon.

    To make a long story short; I stuck to NoFap and today I'm engaged to wonderful, beautiful woman and we have a wonderful life together, me being a confident, happy and capable person taking life head on.

    I sure had no reason to believe that life will turn out that drastically different in only 3 years time, but life as it turns out is all about change and nothing (even your state) stays the same forever.

    And yes, while NoFap does make you more stable overall, it can also make you feel your emotions more deeply.

    I know because I'm on 98 days of no P, M or O (I have Karezza with my fiancee).

    Good luck!
     
    SunDrew likes this.
  3. whocares

    whocares Guest

    Hey there
    Actually I am having the same feeling every second of every day!! I know exactly how you are feeling right now.

    I don't know about "is it going the be better or not!?" but I am pretty much sure if we don't change, the future will be at least worst as it is right now. I know from deep down of my heart if I stop trying(to make myself a better man) now I'll probably die(spiritually). So I should keep punching and push forward to see what will happen at the end, that is all I know for now.

    That is me too, my strategy is to stay busy all the day long, but everything starts when you get home and lonely, this is when the thoughts start to coming back(although you have them all the day but you distract yourself)... It kills you from the inside and you can do nothing about it. I haven't found a cure for that. All I do is to endure it by reading novel or poetry books, answering to threads(as I do right now), watching movies, cooking, going to gym and etc. I'll do almost everything just to avoid the feeling of the pain, but I don't make it worse by giving into PMO.

    Just hang in there buddy.
     
    SunDrew likes this.
  4. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

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    Well, thanks for your reply. And cg to your streak and wife ;).

    I know that everything keeps changing - sure thing!

    I just fell into some spiral or what is that. Last 10 days has been real pain.
    I have a problem to come out of my bed in the morning and having pretty bad insomnia - wake up at 3am and than fall asleep at 5am and as my routine is waking up at 6am.. it sucks. Dreams are terrible - usually about my ex or some porn dreams.

    Plus I dont have any good feeling from my exercising routine. Being with pretty girl on coffee few days ago and felt nothing. Nothing at all! It feels like being stuck in huge bucket of mud and have no chance to get out of this shit...

    I guess I am just expressing my feelings, maybe it can help to someone in future with the same feeling.
     
  5. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, good to know there brothers with me in this shit!

    YOu hit the nail on the top! Going back to my empty flat is nightmare. Although, I try to read more, playing guitar but these days really sucks, i can tell you. I stopped wathing movies and TV show though, i find it time killer and it is the way i used to be and as i am trying to evolve my new me I avoid it - and dont miss it at all.

    Thanks again, keep pushing my brother, I see you on the other side!
     
  6. arturo111

    arturo111 Fapstronaut

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    We are on the samo boat, bro. I understand you complete, and believe me, all of this people, feel the same shit. We must to be strong, and we must to keep going. One day, i hope, we will be happy...
     
  7. Macabre

    Macabre Fapstronaut

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    While I somewhat agree with what Dragonaire stated, part of it I don't. For instance, when I wasn't able to have sex with my ex because of PIED, she couldn't help but think it was because of her. Even though I told her it was because of the porn and she logically knew that fact, her emotions overcame her and she felt disgusted by herself. I think women are built that way.

    If you truly love your ex, and you want to get her back, you will give it time. Get cured. Get healthy. Once you are in the right state of mind, then you get her back. But in the meantime, you have to fix yourself first before you are able to fix the relationship, otherwise you'll rush into things prematurely and cause more harm than good; and trust me, I have done exactly that, and you can never come back from a failed second chance.
     
    SunDrew likes this.
  8. programer

    programer Fapstronaut

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    I have Suffered from this curse since I started my nofap war. Yesterday I felt like shit. The memories of how Pmo ruined my previous life have been tormenting me. My ex-girlfriend memories are the worst.
    "People change but memories never change"
    Now that you have quitted Pmo, which you used it to cover up reality, you have to Now face reality. This Journey is Long and was never easy. Just keep going on.
     
  9. kantareller

    kantareller Fapstronaut

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    This is exactly what i thought. You can't escape the cold, hard facts that you've lost someone dear to you. Because you can't indulge in PMO. If this becomes too much to handle go see a therapist. A depression, wether from a reboot or not, is a serious matter and there's help out there... professional help that might just make you feel a lot better. (It helped me.)
     
    SunDrew likes this.
  10. hopefulbrain

    hopefulbrain Fapstronaut

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    We think about the past to predict and alter the future. Your ex is gone, but clearly not forgotten. You regret what you did and now you wont do it again. You are the compilation of thousands of expiriences and this expirience is making you stronger. The next girl you fall for will be treated better because of your expiriences. Things will get better and now youre even more equiped than you were.
     
  11. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    Your ex has gone and maybe you won't find a better person but you are a better and stronger person than you were then. and that also counts a lot. accepting the past is past isnt easy.
    keeping the mind busy keeps me away from ruminating.
    i often solve sudoku puzzles or read books just to stay occupied. it tires the mind and during spare time the mind doesnt have any energy to think of past. even the mind wants to rest after a heavy workout with reading and solving puzzles.
     
  12. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

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    A appreciate all of your help. I told her month ago about my addiction (and true about how i felt to her) and what I realized during my reboot that it was my addiction what drove my insanity and neglecting her cause i just wanted newer and newer girls from the web. She admitted all her feelings that were same as mine. She said she still needs time to recover from all what we said to each other during the break up. I initiate no contact 2weeks ago. I invited her for my phd ceremony, she did not answer. I know i should move on. I want it as noone on this world.

    You know i did so much of these negotiation with her and meanwhile she always said she needs time and did nothing at all. It became toxic. I know, this is over but it hurts so fucking much. While I was fapping it wasnt so bad. Even first weeks of nofap were better. Now it has been pure hell. I have no taste for work, I have no interest for other girls, getting up from the bed is almost impossible task.

    But i had again dream about her today - not sexual - felling like a crap. Huge insomnia. All my body hurts. I cannot continue with my exercise routine cause my shoulder is fucked up...but had no urges at all, feel like i died from within.

    2weeks ago (or is it 3? i dont know anymore) when we last spoke on the phone I asked her why she is so afraid to give it another try? She said that she is afraid i will not change, i told her she never know until she reach out. She admits. I told her : "you know my number, whenever you feel i am ready, just give me the call" .. I guess I must first get healed, get through this hell first. Then everything else will come with my own personality.

    I know who i am missing the most - myself :(. These emotions are so strong. I have tried everything - "Power of now", "Focusing" - only temporary effect. I am kind of scared of my own thoughts. I dont see any possible change. It has been 8 months already and I seems that i will never cure. I even avoiding family events - cause everything reminds me of her. I am planning escape before x-mas cause it ll be very emotional for me. My mother did a lot for me during post break up period and she will be probably very disapointed but i cannot help myself, i dont want to sit there and be in huge depression as i know all from my family are in relationship with kids and i fucked this up. I had everything last - had nothing this year.

    To be honest I have been thinking about ending this shitty life i have been living...I know it is all my fault and i should pay the price...
     
  13. programer

    programer Fapstronaut

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    I've heard that Depression is more dangerous than HIV.
     
  14. Macabre

    Macabre Fapstronaut

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    Don't end your life. You know that no pmo meant severe depressions, but they do not last.

    You're Already half way there, don't give up now.
     
  15. Eshaan

    Eshaan Fapstronaut

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    Listen bro,

    I just know one thing, every single moment you experience in your life has not come to stay but to pass

    "Has not come to stay but to pass"

    Focus on the next moment rather than crying on the past.

    Fapping already took a lot of your moments from you

    Note what???? Will you let fapping "past" do so???

    Nah,,,, behave like a viking and attack like seal team 6. Defend yourself like fort Knox and enjoy like young prince Charles.

    Be cool man
    Every moment has not come to stay but to pass.

    Enjoy....I look forward to read the next post with my brother happy!!!!
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2015
    zero01 and Macabre like this.
  16. Eshaan

    Eshaan Fapstronaut

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    And ( sorry I read your complete post now, I am just to eager to write comments, what a me!!!!!)

    Earth is round ( not exactly , it is
    bulged but considering it round)
    Everything that goes around, comes around....

    One day your gf will return to you, when she left you, you had negligible sperm count due to fapping.

    And one day, fapping's exit will mark her incoming like a missile straight to you like---

    " hey darling, girls in the town are mad for a guy who can paint the white house 10K times with just one stroke to his underwear rocket launcher.... And I came across know that it's none other than my own thy hottest boy of the planet my baby and my sweetheart and some *kisses*....."

    Just imagine your being "famous moment " and keep on the streak. Best of luck and do clean your bedroom on the day missile lands:D
     
  17. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

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    Hey there!

    Thanks for all replies, that made my day - which was awful. Anyway, i didnt mean that I will take my life away (well but as i read it now, it could have sounded like that, which i am sorry about) - i had those feeling months ago. I just have to admit the presence sucks and i cannot really do anything about it. I tried everything - well, at least I think so - but the more I try, the more it persist inside of me.

    I probably have to keep going through the hell and hope in better tomorrows - which is not so easy. This phase of nofap really sucks and hurts so badly!

    I really appreciate all your help, it is fantastic to be part of something helpful like this forum. This addiction must go...
     
    Eshaan likes this.
  18. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

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    I like that very much!
     
    Eshaan likes this.
  19. Eshaan

    Eshaan Fapstronaut

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    I lost it. I will find it soon and show you. But the main thing is what you like ( every moment has come to pass, not to stay but to pass)
     
  20. Eshaan

    Eshaan Fapstronaut

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    Curt get a bit more imaginative and read my above post again.... You will really be motivated......
     

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