45 days and counting.

Hello all,
I've read with interest all the stories on this site so I figured I'd share my thoughts and experiences with PIED.

I'm 38 year and single. My first experience with ED was back in 2000 when I got soft while having sex. I was vexed as to what happened. Apprehension and anxiety about it happening again didn't help, so I suffered through the usual experiences that are documented on this site: losing erections when applying a condom (the race against time), while changing positions, or during oral that was too gentle. As I withdrew more from women due to the shame I was feeling, I turned to porn to "help". Back in the early 2000s was when internet movie porn really started to take off, and I, like so many others, dove right in.

For me I think my ED was a combination of performance anxiety and PMO, but of course the anxiety was a result of PMO. I really didn't know what the hell was going on, but whenever it happened I felt horrible, so I ended up running away from sexual encounters and "forgetting" to have a condom with me, or making up excuses as to why I couldn't get intimate with a girl.

At any rate, fast forward to 3 years ago, I discovered the nofap Reddit and immediately realized what the problems were. It was so obvious once you read about it.

I had drastically cut down on PMO in the year or two before that, mostly because I had a girlfriend for over a year, and also because it just didn't feel right. My mind was telling me that what I had done in the past perhaps wasn't healthy.

So I went 42 days without PMO, but since I'm involved in partner dancing, I started getting erections when dancing with attractive women, which wasn't comfortable. So from then on I'd MO every now and then and also watch porn every now and then. I figured everything in moderation (no more than once every ten days). Then I read something about how even just a little porn could still cause problems, so I figured I'd cut it off completely.

At the moment I'm on day 45 and plan on continuing. I have no real desire to view porn. Here are some of my thoughts and observations about the experience.

1. from a physical perspective, my voice has deepened and my morning erections are stronger and more frequent. I had a couple of night sweat episodes. Not sure if that was related.

2. I'm a very calm person, but about 3 weeks in, I started getting quite agitated about small things. This lasted for a week.

3. I've had a number of sexual dreams but I have woken up before ejaculation.

4. Sexual urges come and go. When they get really strong, almost like my chest is on fire, I remember that it's just energy and I can let it dissipate without acting on it. This is the power of freedom through awareness, awareness of what is really going on inside my body. Knowing that the urge doesn't have to be acted upon is a sort of liberation.

Some personal beliefs and views on sex

1. I think some people who suffer from PIED are under the impression that everything in life will be great when they meet a beautiful woman and have wonderful sex. Life is not that simple. That beautiful anonymous vagina that we all fantasize about has a real person attached to it, and that person has the same emotions, doubts, and fears that we do. If you find it hard to manage and understand yourself, think about the difficulty in adding someone else into the mix.

2. Sex will not make you happy. Perhaps temporarily, but not in the long run. Most of us have had sex. If sex were going to make you happy, you'd be happy already.

Some women use sex and intimacy as a way to fill a void the same way men use porn. You could be that person that a woman is using to fill the void. That might sound good, lots of sex for you, but if you have feelings for that woman, prepare to be disappointed. Just like it's written on this site that you are the only person who can make you happy (which is absolutely true) don't think that you can make a woman happy. You can't, but don't take it personally. A woman has to go through the same process of self-discovery that you are hopefully going through right now.

3. Most stories of radical inner/spiritual transformation involve renunciation of the material world in some way. Most philosophers (that I know of, at least), including the Stoics, Epicurus, Buddha and others, either encourage abstinence or moderation. While I don't necessarily think abstinence is going to work for most people, I would strongly encourage moderation and understanding of the nature of sex and how it can effect your decision making and anxiety levels.

If you can truly say "I don't need sex (or anything else) to be happy", you have definitely empowered yourself to a degree that other people won't understand. But that belief has to be authentic.

It's easy to say "I don't need sex to be happy" due to past hurt or fears, but you probably still desire a "normal" sex life (whatever that is).

"Knowing" you don't need sex to be happy, and simply thinking it, are different in my mind. "Knowing" will come from certain experiences and a sort of enlightenment.

So why am I doing this? I find it interesting, educational, spiritual, and am enjoying the process. I'm not attaching expectations or have any great outcomes in mind. Outcomes and expectations, from my learning and personal experience, change the nature of experience itself because you start to think in terms of the future instead of being present with what is going on now. Much like the point of meditation is meditation itself, that's how I'm looking at this experience. If beneficial side effects occur as a result, that's cool.

I guess that's it for now. I look forward to joining the discussions.