50+ days but results disappointing

To me, the insights I gained from my first challenge (that lasted 46 days) were very important. A bit unlike you, I faced for the first time in my life that my PMO habits are unhealthy, that I'm addicted and that I probably have to change my behavior in order to improve my sex life.

It's for insights like this that I keep going with the challenge. Sometimes I feel the forums here focus a bit too much on the challenge, especially self-discipline, and the concept of porn addiction. Whenever I talked to people I realized, however, that a lot of people share the idea that "porn addiction" is merely a symptom of deeper underlying problems. Like with an alcoholic you have to start somewhere and you can't do a cognitive behavioral therapy while you're drunk. So I'm back at the challenge even though I look for my actual issues elsewhere.

So maybe it's time for you to reflect on your initial goals and whatever you have learned during your challenge. Personally, I hope that I won't be put off one day when I realized after 60, 90, 120, ... days that there's no substantial progress. By then, I hopefully will have learned something new so I know where I have to go. Of course that could possibly mean that I end up trying a completely different approach, abandon the challenge completely, take pills, ... who knows.

My confidence in the utility of the challenge is fairly high at the moment. Mostly because I see some positive effects already (albeit limited), also giving up on porn consumption is a worthy goal for me just by itself, and - well - I am currently in a state where the idea of PMO disgusts me a bit and I reckon that this attitude is a healthy one. It comes along with an intensified interest in real women and actual sexual experience.

So maybe you can find out in more detail where you are at and find the right way for you to move on. Good luck on your way!

 

I'm a partner of a man with PIED he has DE and has been in reboot for 90 days. He still cannot O from intercourse but can from my hand and mouth which he never could before. For some it's a slower process than others. It does help if you have a supportive long term partner who knows what you are going through and can support you. You have less nerves and anxiety that way imo. I would also factor in your age, how frequently you masturbated and your porn use. I can't tell if you gave up porn completely during this period or just avoided it. If you have not given it up do that and if as you say you are not an addict you should have no problem quitting and just see if that works. My SO was insistent he was not an addict and kept using.

 

I am not the norm and it is true that for most women this is a relationship killer. We all want to be with someone who functions normally and I think we are more understanding when it's not their fault meaning due to a medical condition . But when a man is continuing to MO and that's the cause it is less understandable. Women will be understanding to a point but ultimately most are unwilling to commit to a man with this issue. I don't mean to doom and gloom but part of my being on here in addition to getting help for myself is to prevent men and women from having to go through this to get the message out. It's truly a horrible feeling when you meet the man of your dreams who has everything you want but can't perform in bed. You try hard to help him but in the end realize you can't accept not having a normal sex life and that sucks! But we need to be honest with ourselves and know in the long term we won't be happy.
My partner is in your age range and very similar story except he used porn a lot and in the beginning fought hard that his masturbation habits were an issue. I think the older we are the more set in our ways we become. And if he stopped masturbating for a few weeks and nothing changed he just gave up. Many men like my partner have no idea how wonderful regular sex and deep intimacy is so they don't know what they are striving for. They also have a hard time letting go and allowing someone else to be responsible for their orgasm. That's scary to Long term single men. While the fact that she will never touch you the way you touch yourself and that sex feels different in addition to conditioning youself to a O from only yourself are certainly causes don't discount that there could be emotional factors that could contribute. Counseling could be helpful to you in your situation. And ultimately when you do get back into a relationship do not use your hand at all even during sex with her. Allow her to be your only source of orgasm. Many men with DE will basically jack off on their partners using them as a masturbatory tool and that's not sex or intimacy and only prolongs the problem. And most partners find it disgusting. Sometimes it takes losing someone you love to really wake up and change. Good luck!

 

Even having had successfully climaxed from penetration - somehow I doubt myself even more than beforehand.
I have another liaison tomorrow and I guess my attitude it that I have to stay calm more than anything.

 

Performance anxiety can definitely transcend age, I felt it as well with past relationships and it's nice to see a common theme of people saying a great, supportive partner is necessary.

Like other people have said try not over-think it, take your time getting to know the partner you are pursuing. Great sex, I find, is achieved through meaningful and strong emotional bonds. Also, having self-confidence is DEFINITELY a key factor. When you feel great about yourself (not to the point of being self-absorbed, of course) everything else falls into place. That paired with a supportive partner and keeping calm can work wonders as it did and does for me. Try changing your vocabulary to "wouldn't it be nice if.." or "I want to.." as opposed to "this SHOULD be great" or "why can't I..." when figuring what you want to do next. I found that helped me feel better about myself.

Stay positive man, you can totally do it!

 

I think a big part too is communicating with your partner. I understand many men are embarrassed but if you hide it it creates more problems.

 

Yes in my experience communication is absolutely key. A partner will appreciate someone being open about these things because it shows trust and the person is capable of being honest. If the partner doesn't like you for who you are and how you think then they ain't the one. However someone that wants to help bring out the best of you through communication, then they're a keeper.

 

Dude, I know that sense of failure and embarrassment all too well. Keep struggling forward and see if a longer period FAP free can help these issues. I'm struggling too today. Just trying to make it through another 24 hour period. I agree with the others that the key is getting comfortable with a woman who you have some trust built up where you can share something about the problems you are having so the prospect of a limp one is not the elephant in the room. Pardon the pun

 

Keep chugging along, my friend! It does get better, stay positive!

 

@Woodchester

I've got another angle to this one.

I abstained from PMO for almost a year till a major relapse last month. I wasn't a part of NoFap then. Luckily, apart from a few mis-endeavors I've had healthy sex life with my ex. She knew I was an addict from day 1 but she somehow got around it. It was in the fourth year of our relationship I realized porn is hurting us and our night time. I made up my mind to put everything to a halt.

Long story shorter, I stopped PM with the expectation that my sex life would actually get better (but it didn't, more on that later). Of course, she was delighted that I was off that shit and that was maybe an emotional plus in the relationship. In the following months, I saw no personal change in terms of any energy levels or benefits described in NoFap. After 4 months, I forgot about the benefits and felt satisfied with the fact that she was happy as I was able pull myself out of the habit. Our relationship ended at four and half years (we didn't make out for the last 3 months or so).

Point being, I get the underlying expectation having some improvement in bed due to NoFap but, in my experience, there aren't much. Yes, the psychological upside is a different thing but I can completely relate with your post when it comes to physical changes during sex. I guess underpinning NoFap with an underlying exception of improvement in performance will prove counter-intuitive. Our brain is a super-bitch in proving if-this-doesn't-work-then-I-should-do-that theories which eventually leads to mental masturbation and falling back to old patterns. Not saying I'm holier than thou here, but it's what I've been experiencing over the last month. I assumed a year would be enough for my brain to delete it's old patterns. And here I was spending more than an hour everyday for the last 2 weeks.

I think, as porn addicts, M is instilled in our nervous system. So much so that it'd take an equal amount of effort in the opposite direction (healthy sex etc.) to see lasting results.

Don't let this make you feel down. I got this from Josh Kaufman (said in terms of setting food habits) - If you're doing what your ancestors did 10,000 years back, you're on the right track. I'd like to believe this is applies to PMO as well. At the end of each I day, I feel good that I didn't do it. Builds self esteem. And that's worth the effort.

 

Thanks. My partner has PIED, particularly DE and he still cannot O during sex. Can I ask what type of issues did you have in bed? Did you have DE? You mentioned that your sex life improved, how? And the relationship ended shortly after you stopped PMO? I disagree that it takes that long (equal time) to rewire, and if true that would mean most people would be dead before that time period expired. Twenty years of PMO for a 47 year old would be 67? I think it does last more than 90 days though and certainly can over a year. Men that continue with ED after that time likely have another issue causing their ED. ED Is very diffficult to treat because so often it's a psychological issue, that drugs cannot fix. Until the person comes to figure out what that issue is and fixes it, they will still struggle. Often times people have no clue what it is. Good luck to you!

 

@GG2002

Did you have DE?

Fortunately no. In the very beginning, I had PE but then I figured it happens to most men when they are new to the game.

You mentioned that your sex life improved, how?

In the second year, I started physical activities. First it was swimming, then gradually moved to working out. As I build more stamina, I was able to incrementally increase performance over time. Not to say it happened in a month or something, but it took time. I must say that my ex was super accomodative in bed. In case if PE happened, I'd make up with oral. And also, it got better as we got used to each other's bodies and sensitivities (I had completely discounted this due to P). Another aspect is, from day 1, the underlying intention behind the act was to make her happy. Though I was the alpha in the relationship, she was the alpha in bed. That dynamic was awesome. I made a point to serve and not be served. In the end, it worked out pretty well.

And the relationship ended shortly after you stopped PMO?

No. Fortunately, PMO didn't have any impact on the relationship (though it had on me, which I discovered much later).

I disagree that it....

My apologies if my earlier post came out that way. I'm still going through yourbrainonporn. And one of the things I've understood (happy to be wrong here) is that the habit of M is already cemented in the nervous system. The neural pathways have already been built. My replacing the habit we're building new pathways (and this does not mean that old pathways die eventually, they're pretty much there). So, it's easy (relatively) to fall back on old pathways as the behavioral patterns are already hard-coded. So, I won't change my behavior just because I've established a new habit. Hence, the struggle of fundamentally changing behavior over time. Not sure how much time it'd take. Personally, a year hasn't been enough. From my relapse, I don't think it matters any more. I've now connected PM with self esteem. Hence, the abstinence, at the very least, allows to me tell myself that I didn't do it and allows that additional brick of self esteem in the wall of character.

Until the person comes....

Totally agree. It takes a fair bit of self awareness to figure what's really happening. Especially given minimal outside support. ED is not something I can go to my friend an just say hey man, shit happened, I've got ED, do you have any solutions. In fact, this is the first time (and the first forum) that I'm mentioning my night life (that too intricately).

Thanks for responding!

 

It's very sad that our society is such that men can't talk with each other about these things. Women do. Totally understandable the self esteem issues. I'm not sure about the old pathways ever going away. There is not much talk on here about that and it would be interesting to hear from those who are healed do they still crave pmo even 10 years in recovery? I have several friends that are smokers. A few still crave smoking and a few want to vomit when they smell it. I suppose each person is different. But when you work hard and quit and don't see results it would be understandable that it would be harder to stick with it and very discouraging. Like when you are on a diet and exercising for 3 months and gain weight or see zero results!