50 images on my phone.

9 photos left.
Looked at all 10 last night. The effect was there, but not as strong as anticipated. Felt very tempted to go online and look for new images . . . but I did not.

Baby steps. 1 little step forward, though looking at them in the first place felt like a step back.

 

I looked at the images again. And, again, it's telling what images are left . . .

Not proud of looking. Not at all. Very tempted to search for more (similar) images. But, I didn't. Deleted images instead. My balls are already feeling a bit blue. 40 days today without an O. And I was pretty horny at work . . . worse after.

But, here's the good news:

4 images left on my phone.

 

2 images left.
I had the a slight urge to look at porn. And the thought that maybe I would delete the rest. Deleted two, but then kept watching the last two (both are GIFs).
Then searched for porn.
First looked for images, then went right into fetish videos, the worst kind of porn for me. My brain lit up but I did not M. Was super tempted to save one of the photos but I did not.

It's playing with fire. The good news is that my porn relapse was brief, I didn't M and didn't save anything, and now I just have 2 images left.

What this has shown me is:
The novelty is wearing off from those remaining images. It really didn't do as much for me. I wanted something new . . . and something slightly different.
Also, I think the effect of looking at porn is cumulative. It messed with my head and well being to look at porn for ~30 minutes, but my body/mind is getting used to being porn free. At this stage, looking at more porn would likely make porn more compelling rather than less. Eventually I would get desensitised, but perhaps there is a process of getting re-sensitised as well . . . a state that I was in for most of my life.

 

Yeah, I had a box of porn mags that was taped up for about 4 years. At the time, that was better than nothing, but I was so attached to some of those magazines that I couldn't just chuck the whole box. Eventually . . . in 2018 . . . I cracked open that box and went through them. PMO'd for sure. It was a herculean effort, I had some vintage mags that I'd paid a small fortune for, and I felt like crying when I trashed them one or two at a time . . . but eventually I got rid of them all.

As an addict I did squirrel porny stuff away and have been surprised at times to find a DVD here or a cut out picture there. And I'm sure there's probably at least one flash drive floating around here somewhere . . .

 

1 image left.

I had a very difficult day and then got triggered by a woman at work who was wearing professional attire (heels, skirt, blouse) but oh-so flattering. I was actually trying to help someone when she walked by. a few minutes later, I was in the restroom, recalled what I saw and how it felt and touched myself just a little and . . . had an emission. The fluid just poured out. No contraction, no ejaculation, no orgasm. No erection, even.

Life is confusing. Was that a relapse?? If it was, I certainly didn't go out with a bang.
I confess, not only did I fail to refrain from touching, I did touch some more after that, but did not MO.

I did not feel euphoric after. I felt like a failure. I had been aroused by a feeling of not being good enough for this woman. And I have had a few relapses (and one wet dream) over her in the past.

Rather than live in uncertainty about whether that should count as a relapse, I decided to look at those 2 porn images and then reset my counter to 0 (still waiting for it to update) and my goals to no PMO. I felt so shitty, it seemed like a good time to delete the last two photos.

One of them was gone!! I guess the 30 days had passed. I'm sure I would have looked at it . . . because I definitely looked at the last one. And then failed to delete it.

16 days. If I can either delete it or just not look at it for 16 days.

 

All images are gone.
In the wake of my "slip" I looked at the last image (a GIF) one last time, relapsed big time and then deleted it.
If anyone dares to read, I will describe the relapse below, but with a major **TRIGGER WARNING**

Spoiler: Trigger Warning / TMI

The last image was a femdom image. It was one of a dressed woman tormenting a man (who reminded me of myself) with CBT. The most thrilling image for me was where she has the man bent over, makes him ejaculate into his own mouth and then right as he's finishing ejaculating she slaps him once, right on the balls.
Probably all rooted in shame, but the image is very arousing to me.
And, feeling so low having released my semen after 60 days I felt like I deserved a slap in the balls.
I've smacked my dick, but never before have I smacked my balls.
The night before last I did. Somewhat lightly and timidly at first but then again and again. Then several quick slaps in a row. I felt my that my nuts had retreated into my scrotum as if to protect themselves. A few more slaps and then I ejaculated . . . probably one of the biggest ejaculations of my life, making a total mess of my sheets and pillowcases. Not thick sperm filled ejaculate, but more watery, like tons of seminal fluid in a quantity that I have rarely experienced.

Looking at the last photo after that, there really wasn't much point in holding onto it anymore. Why fantasize about that when I had just lived it?

And now I am back to square one. But with out porny porn on my phony phone.