Angus McGyver
Fapstronaut
Part 1/4:
Hello all fapstronauts! This long post (or novel rather) is dedicated to all of you out there who are: currently struggling with PMO-addiction, those of you who are getting control over it and to those of you who have more or less mastered it. I make absolutely no judgment based on which one of these categories you belong to, as long as you take action, keep pushing, fight the good fight and spread the NoFap-gospels to the yet unenlightened.
Reaching the 500+ day felt magic and although that mark is a difficult task overall (at least in the beginning) it is essentially about making those first 90-100 days of abstinence and the rest will go almost on autopilot. I don't want to sound cocky or arrogant but it really boils down to making those first 100 days. The story I post below is therefore (at least part 1) about what my life used to look like during my PMO days and how that changed as soon as I jumped onto the NoFap train.
Just for your knowledge, I decided beforehand to split this post into three parts since writing it in only one piece would be too long of a reading-session for most, plus it will make great cliffhangers paving the road up to the release of part 2 & 3. Since English is not my native language, please be considerate that I might make minor grammatical errors along the way.
The reasons for me writing this novel are multiple but the main ones are based on:
My genuine desire to get out the message about the multitude of perils and set-backs that come with PMO-use which can affect and poison men from all races/ethnicities, professions, educational backgrounds, and socioeconomic backgrounds (Yes, there are women who are PMO-addicts as well but more commonly they are indirect victims in the form of codependents).
Also, I hope I can provide some useful insights, tools, and techniques to combat this sneaky and highly addictive poison which is so easily available and literally cripples peoples’ lives. In my case, PMO had been crippling my life for 14-15 long years but thanks to some already good established habits in my life, I had the self-discipline and self-control to jump on the NoFap-train for a prolonged period of time. But in fact, what choices did I have?
In all honesty, the choices available were limited since going back to my old fapping habits was not a good option but rather one that would bring me another 14-15 years of misery and stagnation.
Right before I started out on my last NoFap-hard-mode streak on that beautiful winter day in February last year, the previous 14-15 years of my life had been an almost daily struggle combatting depressive thoughts, low confidence and self-esteem, poor social skills, disbelief in myself, and pessimistic/problematic outlooks on most things in life. I literally had a hard time seeing the good in anything, even the most apparent and self-evident events and achievements I had been carried out. When looking back at it, I realize that the main reason for why my life had come to a standstill was purely due to self-sabotage, created by my own destructive, pessimistic and counter-productive thinking. Mainly because my entire mind (both conscious and sub-conscious) and thought-capacity was so overloaded and overwhelmed with thoughts of sex, lust, masturbation and pornographic images that my entire system (physical, mental and spiritual) was poisoned, hence affecting all areas of my life.
Although I don’t blame anyone else or any specific circumstances and events as the main-causers to my past failures, setbacks and life-struggles, I dare say that the main-contributor or catalyst that sparked my mood-swings, deicion-making ability, T-levels, motivation and drive the most was without a doubt the poisonous PMO-habits I developed at an early age. The decisions leading to the early stages of this adopted habit were probably the worst I have ever taken, even to this day. If I could turn back time, I wish I had never opened that Pandora’s box of lust, temptation and MO-cravings in the first place. I had also wished that some bald authority-figure had been brave enough to speak out at the time, telling me about the consequences and perils of PMO-use. My dad if he had been a strong father figure, could have been such an authority but since he was mostly a scared sissy (who was watching porn secretly while being married still), he just laughed it off, tried to white-wash it, telling me it was just a completely normal and harmless thing for boys to do.
This habit also started at the beginning of this new millennium (2001-2002) when the internet connection started to gain speed and with it, also the availability of internet pornography. The existing studies and research about PMO-use, its effects on the brain, mind, soul, body and nervous system were also few and didn’t have a significant reach amongst the public since the first few studies didn’t get any significant publicity in the mainstream media outlets.
Contrary to this, the few aspects regarding PMO that was ever brought up were rather done so in positive terms: “Masturbation and porn-consumption is good and healthy for you, your sex-life and completely healthy if kept at a moderate level. Experimenting with yourself, your body and sexuality will do just good for you. The people who will ever mention it as something negative, self-destructive, sinful or bad are just some religious, old-fashioned, superstitious, right-wing wackos and/or religious preacher bigots trying to control you, your body and your sexuality through shaming”. The only bad thing ever mentioned about porn was that it could be degrading/deprecatory to women, thus objectifying them. Although that was true, not a single word was mentioned about the addicts, destroyed marriages/relationships (and even families) or ED-issues amongst men.
I remember starting to PMO regularly already at the age of 14 and only a few years later, it had become a compulsory addiction/craving that I couldn’t live without. It didn’t only suck interest and pleasure from the little and more important things in life, it even sucked the joy out of life itself and affected every single part of it. Especially my relationships to people, motivation, drive, focus, attention, and social skills. Simultaneously, I was bullied at several occasions (inside and outside of school) and although most of it was indirect through alienation and ostracism, I still felt like an outsider who didn’t like to partake in the fakeness, jealousy, conformism and weak values amongst regular people. Because of my integrity I chose to rather be on my own rather than trying to become popular and impress people who I didn’t like anyway. Hence, I had very few real friends at the time (maybe 3-4 in total) which had been okay if other parts of my life were good, but they weren’t.
Because, between the ages of 14-18 (my High school / Gymnasium years), my parents were arguing a lot and later separated when I was about 17-18 years of age. I also wore braces for 2-3 years and had lots of pimples in my face (during winter, parts of my face looked like a salami), my confidence was at the bottom. Since my classmates were fake, immature, insecure (although they tried to play secure) and lacked integrity, I disliked them, felt very lonely and had very few sources of relief from my feelings of angst, ugliness, worthlessness, inadequacy, invisibleness, and low confidence. One of those sources of relief came from the practice of my sport where I not only had talent and potential to become much better, I also had a good male role model in my coach. He had the calmness, self-control, and present-mindedness that my own dad seemed to lack.
The other source of relief came from PMO since it gave me instant stress- and pressure relief, pleasure, and excitement all at once, so it became my new drug or antidote for every single negative feeling in my life at the time. That pleasure though, was mostly short-lived as the feelings of guilt, shame, and regret all poured over me after each session.
Unfortunately, the person who should have been the good/strong role model in my life that I needed at this point (my father) was quite weak, afraid of conflict and often absent (both physically and mentally) because of work and other issues. Hence, I felt neglected and even worse, he just trivialized PMO-use. Laughed it off and saw it as something normal and healthy for boys to watch if consumed in moderation. I soon found out that he consumed it himself and when this info reached my mother (after I found two of his VHS-casettes with porn in his drawers), he felt somewhat infuriated at her when being confronted with it. Unable to face the consequences of his poor judgment and actions, he just ended the shortlived discussion with a gnarly statement like: “Everyone is watching it, even married couples and that shouldn’t concern you the least”.
As a result of my crappy life at the moment and weak father figure with whom I couldn’t even talk or have deep discussion about my hard issues, I felt like the loneliest, most abandoned and invisible youngster in the world so I used PMO regularly to numb my feelings. As the cravings started to return on a regular basis, I sometimes felt like I wanted to disappear from this world since it didn’t have anything good to offer anyways. I felt trapped and didn’t have a clue about how to change or turn my crappy life around so I many times isolated and numbed myself by going outside running a lot (which was a good relief) and spending time in front of the computer. I was totally unaware of all the side-effects that started to pop up like buds during springtime and that would follow me for another ten years until my late 20’s:
-Low confidence and self-esteem
-Poor eye-contact and body-language (erratic and shaky movements)
-Negative thoughts and pessimistic outlooks on life
-Bad temper and anger management skills (little things freak me out)
-Poor social skills and social anxiety
-Feelings of despair, hopelessness and stagnation. Lots of self-pitying.
-Lack of clear goals and purposes in life
-Anxiety and fear about most things in life, especially others’ opinions about me
-Feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy
-Having a scarcity mindset (instead of abundance) regarding most things in life.
-Lower testosterone levels (one of the main causers of my anxiety)
-Problem oriented mindset (instead of a solution oriented one)
-The ability of blaming others for my failures and setbacks
-Having a skewed perspective on sex, intimacy and relationships overall
-Poorer texture of hair and facial skin
-Lack of motivation, drive and energy (especially after fapping)
-Objectification of people (not only women but everyone). I sometimes felt like a robot with numbed emotions and senses.
-Lost sense of manliness and manhood (due to lower T-levels)
-Watery muscles on my back, shoulders and arms.
And the list went on and on an on. Despite having achieved and earned several personal successes during my late teens and 20’s (athletic and academic ones) as a collegiate runner and student-athlete, something that most people could only dream about, I still felt miserable most of the time. I simply wanted to be the best (or at least great) at everything I pursued and if I wasn’t, I was essentially feeling worthless. I needed to show off everyone that I could become something great, despite having been bullied when younger so I developed a crippling performance anxiety over time. This kind of performance-anxiety and negative self-talk for many years did of course have a negative and blocking effect on my body language and vibrational frequency, thus making people feel repelled in my presence. I didn’t understand it then but it makes complete sense today. No one wants to be near a person who is negative and think poorly about himself and others.
Although that performance anciety started to loosen up a bit in my late 20’s, the feeling was still lingering in the background and I seriously wondered if something was wrong with me. It never ocurred to me that my PMO-habits could be responsible for much of that. But, so one day during the late summer and autumn of 2016, came one of the first turning points I so well needed.
To be continued…………
Hello all fapstronauts! This long post (or novel rather) is dedicated to all of you out there who are: currently struggling with PMO-addiction, those of you who are getting control over it and to those of you who have more or less mastered it. I make absolutely no judgment based on which one of these categories you belong to, as long as you take action, keep pushing, fight the good fight and spread the NoFap-gospels to the yet unenlightened.
Reaching the 500+ day felt magic and although that mark is a difficult task overall (at least in the beginning) it is essentially about making those first 90-100 days of abstinence and the rest will go almost on autopilot. I don't want to sound cocky or arrogant but it really boils down to making those first 100 days. The story I post below is therefore (at least part 1) about what my life used to look like during my PMO days and how that changed as soon as I jumped onto the NoFap train.
Just for your knowledge, I decided beforehand to split this post into three parts since writing it in only one piece would be too long of a reading-session for most, plus it will make great cliffhangers paving the road up to the release of part 2 & 3. Since English is not my native language, please be considerate that I might make minor grammatical errors along the way.
The reasons for me writing this novel are multiple but the main ones are based on:
My genuine desire to get out the message about the multitude of perils and set-backs that come with PMO-use which can affect and poison men from all races/ethnicities, professions, educational backgrounds, and socioeconomic backgrounds (Yes, there are women who are PMO-addicts as well but more commonly they are indirect victims in the form of codependents).
Also, I hope I can provide some useful insights, tools, and techniques to combat this sneaky and highly addictive poison which is so easily available and literally cripples peoples’ lives. In my case, PMO had been crippling my life for 14-15 long years but thanks to some already good established habits in my life, I had the self-discipline and self-control to jump on the NoFap-train for a prolonged period of time. But in fact, what choices did I have?
In all honesty, the choices available were limited since going back to my old fapping habits was not a good option but rather one that would bring me another 14-15 years of misery and stagnation.
Right before I started out on my last NoFap-hard-mode streak on that beautiful winter day in February last year, the previous 14-15 years of my life had been an almost daily struggle combatting depressive thoughts, low confidence and self-esteem, poor social skills, disbelief in myself, and pessimistic/problematic outlooks on most things in life. I literally had a hard time seeing the good in anything, even the most apparent and self-evident events and achievements I had been carried out. When looking back at it, I realize that the main reason for why my life had come to a standstill was purely due to self-sabotage, created by my own destructive, pessimistic and counter-productive thinking. Mainly because my entire mind (both conscious and sub-conscious) and thought-capacity was so overloaded and overwhelmed with thoughts of sex, lust, masturbation and pornographic images that my entire system (physical, mental and spiritual) was poisoned, hence affecting all areas of my life.
Although I don’t blame anyone else or any specific circumstances and events as the main-causers to my past failures, setbacks and life-struggles, I dare say that the main-contributor or catalyst that sparked my mood-swings, deicion-making ability, T-levels, motivation and drive the most was without a doubt the poisonous PMO-habits I developed at an early age. The decisions leading to the early stages of this adopted habit were probably the worst I have ever taken, even to this day. If I could turn back time, I wish I had never opened that Pandora’s box of lust, temptation and MO-cravings in the first place. I had also wished that some bald authority-figure had been brave enough to speak out at the time, telling me about the consequences and perils of PMO-use. My dad if he had been a strong father figure, could have been such an authority but since he was mostly a scared sissy (who was watching porn secretly while being married still), he just laughed it off, tried to white-wash it, telling me it was just a completely normal and harmless thing for boys to do.
This habit also started at the beginning of this new millennium (2001-2002) when the internet connection started to gain speed and with it, also the availability of internet pornography. The existing studies and research about PMO-use, its effects on the brain, mind, soul, body and nervous system were also few and didn’t have a significant reach amongst the public since the first few studies didn’t get any significant publicity in the mainstream media outlets.
Contrary to this, the few aspects regarding PMO that was ever brought up were rather done so in positive terms: “Masturbation and porn-consumption is good and healthy for you, your sex-life and completely healthy if kept at a moderate level. Experimenting with yourself, your body and sexuality will do just good for you. The people who will ever mention it as something negative, self-destructive, sinful or bad are just some religious, old-fashioned, superstitious, right-wing wackos and/or religious preacher bigots trying to control you, your body and your sexuality through shaming”. The only bad thing ever mentioned about porn was that it could be degrading/deprecatory to women, thus objectifying them. Although that was true, not a single word was mentioned about the addicts, destroyed marriages/relationships (and even families) or ED-issues amongst men.
I remember starting to PMO regularly already at the age of 14 and only a few years later, it had become a compulsory addiction/craving that I couldn’t live without. It didn’t only suck interest and pleasure from the little and more important things in life, it even sucked the joy out of life itself and affected every single part of it. Especially my relationships to people, motivation, drive, focus, attention, and social skills. Simultaneously, I was bullied at several occasions (inside and outside of school) and although most of it was indirect through alienation and ostracism, I still felt like an outsider who didn’t like to partake in the fakeness, jealousy, conformism and weak values amongst regular people. Because of my integrity I chose to rather be on my own rather than trying to become popular and impress people who I didn’t like anyway. Hence, I had very few real friends at the time (maybe 3-4 in total) which had been okay if other parts of my life were good, but they weren’t.
Because, between the ages of 14-18 (my High school / Gymnasium years), my parents were arguing a lot and later separated when I was about 17-18 years of age. I also wore braces for 2-3 years and had lots of pimples in my face (during winter, parts of my face looked like a salami), my confidence was at the bottom. Since my classmates were fake, immature, insecure (although they tried to play secure) and lacked integrity, I disliked them, felt very lonely and had very few sources of relief from my feelings of angst, ugliness, worthlessness, inadequacy, invisibleness, and low confidence. One of those sources of relief came from the practice of my sport where I not only had talent and potential to become much better, I also had a good male role model in my coach. He had the calmness, self-control, and present-mindedness that my own dad seemed to lack.
The other source of relief came from PMO since it gave me instant stress- and pressure relief, pleasure, and excitement all at once, so it became my new drug or antidote for every single negative feeling in my life at the time. That pleasure though, was mostly short-lived as the feelings of guilt, shame, and regret all poured over me after each session.
Unfortunately, the person who should have been the good/strong role model in my life that I needed at this point (my father) was quite weak, afraid of conflict and often absent (both physically and mentally) because of work and other issues. Hence, I felt neglected and even worse, he just trivialized PMO-use. Laughed it off and saw it as something normal and healthy for boys to watch if consumed in moderation. I soon found out that he consumed it himself and when this info reached my mother (after I found two of his VHS-casettes with porn in his drawers), he felt somewhat infuriated at her when being confronted with it. Unable to face the consequences of his poor judgment and actions, he just ended the shortlived discussion with a gnarly statement like: “Everyone is watching it, even married couples and that shouldn’t concern you the least”.
As a result of my crappy life at the moment and weak father figure with whom I couldn’t even talk or have deep discussion about my hard issues, I felt like the loneliest, most abandoned and invisible youngster in the world so I used PMO regularly to numb my feelings. As the cravings started to return on a regular basis, I sometimes felt like I wanted to disappear from this world since it didn’t have anything good to offer anyways. I felt trapped and didn’t have a clue about how to change or turn my crappy life around so I many times isolated and numbed myself by going outside running a lot (which was a good relief) and spending time in front of the computer. I was totally unaware of all the side-effects that started to pop up like buds during springtime and that would follow me for another ten years until my late 20’s:
-Low confidence and self-esteem
-Poor eye-contact and body-language (erratic and shaky movements)
-Negative thoughts and pessimistic outlooks on life
-Bad temper and anger management skills (little things freak me out)
-Poor social skills and social anxiety
-Feelings of despair, hopelessness and stagnation. Lots of self-pitying.
-Lack of clear goals and purposes in life
-Anxiety and fear about most things in life, especially others’ opinions about me
-Feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy
-Having a scarcity mindset (instead of abundance) regarding most things in life.
-Lower testosterone levels (one of the main causers of my anxiety)
-Problem oriented mindset (instead of a solution oriented one)
-The ability of blaming others for my failures and setbacks
-Having a skewed perspective on sex, intimacy and relationships overall
-Poorer texture of hair and facial skin
-Lack of motivation, drive and energy (especially after fapping)
-Objectification of people (not only women but everyone). I sometimes felt like a robot with numbed emotions and senses.
-Lost sense of manliness and manhood (due to lower T-levels)
-Watery muscles on my back, shoulders and arms.
And the list went on and on an on. Despite having achieved and earned several personal successes during my late teens and 20’s (athletic and academic ones) as a collegiate runner and student-athlete, something that most people could only dream about, I still felt miserable most of the time. I simply wanted to be the best (or at least great) at everything I pursued and if I wasn’t, I was essentially feeling worthless. I needed to show off everyone that I could become something great, despite having been bullied when younger so I developed a crippling performance anxiety over time. This kind of performance-anxiety and negative self-talk for many years did of course have a negative and blocking effect on my body language and vibrational frequency, thus making people feel repelled in my presence. I didn’t understand it then but it makes complete sense today. No one wants to be near a person who is negative and think poorly about himself and others.
Although that performance anciety started to loosen up a bit in my late 20’s, the feeling was still lingering in the background and I seriously wondered if something was wrong with me. It never ocurred to me that my PMO-habits could be responsible for much of that. But, so one day during the late summer and autumn of 2016, came one of the first turning points I so well needed.
To be continued…………
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