500+ days of PMO-abstinence and its life-changing effects (Part 2 of3)

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Angus McGyver, Jul 21, 2019.

Does this detailed story series help you as a user?

  1. Yes, it definitely does

  2. No, I haven't had any use of it at all

  1. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

    I was quite clueless but I did at least get one good starting point to begin after listening to one of my favorite political podcasts (which had a traditionalist/nationalist/conservative profile). In one of the episodes, they were talking about pornography and all its side-effects for the users, especially those regarding social skills and personal development. One of the hosts asked the moral/ethical question regarding porn-use: If you (the user) are totally fine with your own sister, mother, cousin, daughter, niece, girlfriend, wife performing in any of those adult movies, you do at least live as you learn (although you are quite weird and have low levels of empathy still) but if you are not, you preach one thing and do the other, living according to a double-standard and should really ask yourself why you are doing it.
    I realized that I was living according to a double standard and couldn’t call myself a virtuous and genuine traditionalist/conservative if I was watching that kind of content since I knew instinctively that it was wrong and that there were evil forces behind the industry. Also, I wasn’t okay with any woman in my nearest family being an adult movie star, having other guys jacking off to them so I needed to live according to my own beliefs and values.

    It was really that concept which really stroke a chord within me, realizing I had been jacking off to someone’s sister, mother, cousin, daughter for so many years. It made me feel creeped out and disgusted about myself, realizing a good way to start would be to quit this porn-habit for good, even if it would be hard at the beginning. Because if I did, I would have more peace of mind and also would never have to lie to anyone about me not watching porn. That was also one of my biggest motivators to quit:
    The fact that I never had to lie to people about this anymore but could be completely honest about it and simultaneously feeling good about myself. All that lying to people about not watching pornography had also been taking its toll on both my conscious and subconscious mind. The saying: “God always sees you” has always been appealing to me since you can’t hide behind a façade or lies because the universal force will always see you and bring difficulties to you later (in one form or the other) if you do.
    To stop watch pornography completely was harder than I thought at first and although I had been able to step it down until for the first two months after taking the decision, I couldn’t get it out of my mind completely. A few days before New Year’s eve that year (2016/17) I remember watching pornographic video-clips for the last time while also promising to start some serious self-improvement over the upcoming year since my previous path had been disastrous. Right before the fireworks were launched, I promised myself to at least start shooting for the following bullet-points during 2017 to get going:

    -Stop watching pornography
    -Stop blaming others for my shortcomings
    -Stop pitying myself
    -Start looking for ways to self-improvement and take the action necessary

    The first three bullet points had been going well during the winter (but it would take another 10 months before I watched my last pornographic image) but the last one was the one causing me the biggest headache since I still felt quite clueless. In what ways could I possibly improve myself and how long would it take?
    I know it wasn’t going to be a quick fix so I decided to take it one step at a time. The first things I did was to finding ways of improving my somewhat insecure body-language and average social skills. This helped me a bit as I started to feel more confident and grounded when practicing this better body language in real life. But there was still something that bugged about the slight shakiness and jerking in my motions I often felt when talking to some people (especially attractive women). I seriously wondered what was wrong as this didn’t seem to go away, no matter how much I practiced.

    Another change I performed during the early autumn that year (after my trip to Australia) was to improve my diet. I had not been eating as healthy during that trip as I normally did and I really felt how fast that affected my mood, drive, motivation, mental and physical health. Still, I managed to practice some social skills and difficult situations since I was travelling alone without a working mobile-phone. I remember so well that dark, rugged (but crystal clear) Tasmanian winter night when I traveled by car to a remote B&B in the countryside and saw all the wallabies jumping across the road. Seeing that (to me) quirky and compressed Southern hemisphere starry-sky after stepping out of my car was amazing and generated a sense of freedom not having to care about work, electronics, or anyone else but myself and my presence in that beautiful Tasmanian landscape.
    What if I could feel this every single day??

    That upcoming autumn, I started to make changes in my diet by replacing many of the unhealthy foods ( processed snack-bars, dairy-products, meats and all products with added sugar) with healthier alternatives while adding more fruits and vegetables as well. I soon started to adopt an overwhelmingly plant-based diet at home while simultaneously eating at least 5-6 vegetables and fruits per day (these days, I am up at 10 per day!!). Even if I started to feel significantly better, I still had occasional mood-swings who could appear suddenly and intensely without any precaution. The prospect of possibly having a touch of a mental disorder of some kind (like OCD, Asperger’s syndrome or schizophrenia) was a thought that repeatedly came back and seriously considered taking a mental health examination some day if it didn’t improve.
    Especially that awful Christmas with my dad and his new (and very toxic) woman was an event that drained me mentally and almost brought me back to square one overnight. I hadn’t felt that sad, despaired and mentally whacked since our beloved family dog passed away a few years earlier. My body, chest and head ached so much and intensely I almost felt an intense panic-attack coming which I had been having a few of during the previous years. They normally came in the form of nightmares in which I was stuck in some dark room, underneath a car, or the trunk of a car, gasping for air.

    A few weeks after Christmas (early 2018), I went to New Zealand for the first time to use up my remaining weeks of summer-vacation. It was during this trip I seriously considered myself having a mental disorder of some kind because every night (after sunset) I still felt somewhat depressed and thought negatively about almost everything, despite enjoying the local summer-weather and a trip that most people dream of and never get the chance to do. I had no clue about why I could possibly feel this way. I was focusing on too many of my past failures, shortcomings and hardships at any time of the day so there was no wonder why I felt depressed towards the end of the day. I realized that I was entirely creating those negative thought patterns and beliefs myself but how would I fix and correct these destructive and draining habits and turn them around to something positive, solution-oriented and lasting??

    It seemed like an almost impossible task but the answers would arrive more unexpectedly and sudden than I realized. Especially after my return to Sweden where I was faced with multiple difficulties, hardships and challenges all at once. Not only did the dark and gloomy Nordic winter weather suck, there were other things that were hitting me like a sledge-hammer upon arrival, all at once. Not only had my Super-bowl team had lost in the recent NFC Conference final (and its chance to reach the Superbowl for the first time in decades), I didn’t get the job I had applied for but also the fact my dad was about to suddenly break all contact with me and my siblings (because of his new woman) after accusing us for things we hadn’t done, I was close to losing my mind almost instantaneously. 4-5 weeks later, things with my dad (and his new gold-digging woman) started unravel and head in the wrong direction even more and the situation felt out of control.
    That was the last time I spoke to him on the phone btw and I was faced with some quite serious decisions then and there. I couldn’t continue pitying myself for all of this happening to me, even if me and my siblings are not at fault. If I can’t get through and past these difficulties, things will never change for the better so I can either:

    -Continue to pity myself, blame others and circumstances for my shortcomings, or
    -Stop dwelling on my past failures, difficulties and shortcomings and instead start creating something great, no matter the effort or cost.

    The first alternative sounded miserable so I decided to accept the second but I had (just like the year before) no clue about how to begin this path in the first place. I needed a real challenge that required some serious self-control and self-discipline but of what kind?

    To be continued………
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
  2. vad

    vad Fapstronaut

    Wow! Very well written! Please give us part 3!!
    Angus McGyver likes this.
  3. D. Jigen

    D. Jigen Fapstronaut

    Your story is really inspiring. Thank you for taking time to write it well and share it. Please continue with the third part.
    Angus McGyver likes this.
  4. This is beautifully written. Makes me feel what you were feeling. Good job!

    Eagerly waiting for part III.
    Angus McGyver likes this.
  5. Gentle man

    Gentle man Fapstronaut

    May God guide to the right way .

    about that issue (( nearest family being an adult movie star ))

    a young man once came to the prophet Mohammed and said :
    O Messenger of Allah! Give me permission to commit Zina (unlawful sex).''
    The people surrounded him and rebuked him, saying, "Stop! Stop!''
    But the Prophet said Come close The young man came to him, and he said, (Sit down), so he sat down.

    The Prophet said, (Would you like it (unlawful sex) for your mother)!
    He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you.''
    The Prophet said, Neither do the people like it for their mothers.

    The Prophet said, (Would you like it for your daughter)?
    He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you.''
    The Prophet said, Neither do the people like it for their daughters.

    The Prophet said, (Would you like it for your sister)?
    He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you.''
    The Prophet said, Neither do the people like it for their sisters.

    The Prophet said, (Would you like it for your paternal aunt)?
    He said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger! may I be ransomed for you.''
    The Prophet said, Neither do the people like it for their paternal aunts.

    The Prophet said, (Would you like it for your maternal aunt)?
    He said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger! may I be ransomed for you.''
    The Prophet said, Neither do the people like it for their maternal aunts.

    Then the Prophet put his hand on him and said,
    O Allah, forgive his sin, purify his heart and guard his chastity.
    After that the young man never paid attention to anything of that nature.
  6. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately, part-III might take some time (maybe up to a week) since I will be gone for a few days in the Arctic region without (probably) any internet connection available.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. Wow man, you travel alot
    How do you do that? :p
  8. It would be my dream to experience such a land with no electronic <3
    Angus McGyver likes this.
  9. Only me books and world
    Maybe I could write a book :D I would like to write one day in my life...
    Angus McGyver likes this.
  10. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

    By stepping onto a train, bus, ferry-boat, airplane or car. What did you think?
    By foot?
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. Haha
    Lot of people say its dangerous, they say its difficult, you cant travel to such places easily
    You prove that its possible!:)
    Angus McGyver likes this.
  12. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

    People who say that and prefer going to safe and nearby places (not even on their own) are missing out on life. You have to push yourself out of that comfort-zone on a regular basis in order to live and experience life to the fullest. Most people in the developed world these days rarely do that and replace that feeling of dullness it brings to them with various escapism behaviors instead.
    Seeing new places, peoples and cultures (especially on your own) widens your life perspective and gives you a dose of humility and gratitude as well.
    HustleMan and Freeddom_Taker like this.

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