525 days without P, then a relapse : something to be learned

Hi Fapstronauts, I'll try to be brief (unlike many of my posts). On January 2nd, 2017, I viewed P for the last time.

45.360.000 seconds (75 weeks) later, I went through a very stressful time, and was at the same time subjected to increasing thoughts of using P material for a little graphic design experiment. It was my defenses breaking apart and my curiosity increased. It didn't end very well for my 525 days streak (which really wasn't a "streak" anymore, but rather a new way of living). I PMO'd for about 4 days.

Now that I'm safely out of it, I can share with you a few things that I find really interesting and weren't obvious to me before. I hope it will ring true with your experiences, future and past.

- I went straight for the known material. In a matter of hours, the same sites/names I've been fapping to for years came back (even though I was unable to remember them at all at first), aligned and smiling like good soldiers ready to do their deed. There was no place for novelty, unlike when caught in the endless search for new content. It was a reactivation of the known, a search for a specific effect, much like getting that one beer brand you like and not just any beer, or sleeping when tired.

- It tastes like ash. Even the material I wanted to see, that was "the best ever". It had it's tingle and got me excited but I looked at it in disbelief and went "meh, is that it?". It's probably because I was self-conscious about what I was doing, realizing I was breaking a challenge streak, that I leaned in a moment of weakness etc. Sure. But at the same time, the stuff itself felt weird, disproportionate, fake, unlikely, meat over meat without feelings, and I could feel the physical excitation wear out real quick.

- There's no chaser effect. When you've eaten your fill, the fridge isn't where you're gonna spend time, it has no appeal. And it's exactly like that now. This effect wasn't obvious to me, I wasn't sure how it would end since I always felt the "wanting more" sensation regarding P (and many other things). And it's a very reassuring thought to know that I've been able to effortlessly go through that and out without being caught in the cycle. It was a no-strings-attached situation that really suited me well. ​

Don't get me wrong : It's not because it was that easy to set it aside with no further effects that I intend to repeat the experience. Quite the contrary. This stumble gave me a new perspective on the relative fear I had, which was "what it going to happen next time I'm in dire straits, or submerged with explicit imagery by surprise?" etc. I know what to expect now, even with high fatigue and low mental ressources : I've built defenses and I've shifted my needs during that 525 days streak and those 3 years of NoFap more modest challenges, and the new layout feels closer to what someone without an addiction can feel regarding P : something one can use but has no power over them.

All that seemingly powerful imagery, the things we discuss about the biological effects of visual sexual stimulation coupled to masturbation etc, it's all real indeed but we can get desensitized to its Stimuli-Response behavioral pattern. I wrote one day that I hoped to be able to say "I want to watch porn as much as I want to drink petrol", and I'm definitely there. There's a stunt involved, for sure. And it will make your friends laugh (in one case) or your penis erect (in the other). But it's short-lived, useless, detrimental to health, not to mention dangerous in the long run. Those years of NoFap taught me what I wanted, and what I want doesn't fit that description.

I'm still an addict, for I've been in the past, and the reasons that lead me to that lifestyle may or may not be entirely patched up. And for that reason I'll always be cautious around the stuff I know can drag me below.

Keeping the guard high isn't completely necessary anymore though, and I'm glad I can dedicate more of my time and thoughts to something else that denfensive actions and apprehension control : there's a new way of life that opens to me in that moment.

I hope, if you've read all of this, that you realize how much a stumble in the path can bring if you want to take something from it, and not necessarily the kick that comes from anger or desperation. It takes time indeed, but all the things that matter do.

All the best to you all,
See you around!

 

Thanks Reverent, I'm glad you asked all these!

Don't be - I'm not. I'm better off knowing what I know now

Fortunately my motivation was not to never watch P again, but to cleanse myself of the harmful physical, emotional, social and mental effects of excessive PMO. These still linger, and I've made very nice progress in thise regard for each day that I was way from PMO. I'll just resume where I left, with sharper tools this time around! I've never felt like the climb was slower on subsequent challenges, it's just like watching your timepiece makes the seconds slow as fuck - And with every challenge there's less reason to watch that timepiece, because you grow bolder, you grow smarter, you outgrow the fear of not earning the next day count badges. And sooner that you think, you look behind and go, woah, where have the past 3 weeks/months gone?

I dare say it wasn't bingeing at all, more like exploring the different aspects of what I've described in my post. You see, after the very first PMO that day I had all the cards in hand (except for the chaser one, which needed time to be confirmed), but I wanted to know more about what was happening, so I kept looking, and I found the walls reaaaaaally fast. I'm actually glad I did, and that I didn't cower in fear. Instead I faced the possibility of going under "like in the old days", the fear it represented, and if that makes any sense : this in itself reinforced my willpower and my independence from the action I was in - I was taking control of the thing that used to control me. That feeling (that hopefully the following days confirmed) is the reason why I can safely say that I felt "what people with no addictive connection to PMO feel when they got at it with P". We can surely argue that this confidence can be a disguise to induce more use - Be that as it may, it didn't work, quite the contrary ^^

Yes, I'm struggling with final exams in a university course I've taken again (at nearly 40 yo) which is hard, not straightforward, puts myself to great test physically and mentally, and is a turning point in my life, comparable to the beginning of the NoFap journey. The emotional value is extremely present, and as the exams drew near, I was overwhelmed : the relapse happened the day before, and lasted until almost all of it was done. I wouldn't say it helped me cope, because of the emotional distress I felt when facing the facts of what I was doing, which I really didn't need at the time. Realizing that it didn't help me at all is another factor that helps me laugh at it, that latest attempt from an addicted brain to impose its ways, pretending it would help, rationalizing or trying to demonstrate that the PMO lifestyle suits me : it doesn't.

Yes, I'm convinced you can, and there are many psychological experiments (cf. behaviorism) that can "easily" help doing so ; but these effects would be pavlovian, and I'm not sure how the training goes nor how long such effects can last when coupled to a mind that has a tendency to rationalize and change it's own patterns from the inside out.
Still without such techniques, I can vouch for the fact that after a long enough period of time you get desensitized, and seeing P doesn't bring up the Cravings+Compulsion+Consequences+Control cycle that we've come to know as addicts. The images can still produce some sexual arousal, and this specific part I'm not convinced we can erradicate (other than the forced conditionning I was mentionning earlier). This is enough I think to persue a PMO free life, because once again, porn isn't the issue - it's the role we've made it play in our lives for decades, and also the reasons that tricked us in doing so. If P was the problem, everybody watching P would be addicts. Same as with gambling, alcohol, etc : It's not the case.
What you described is sort of what happened to me, the "meh" effect was kindda weird actually, feeling that your body has a boner in front of those pixels but your mind really isn't into it at all. If you search the forum you'll find many examples of poeple advocating for physical-only stimulation (without any kind of medium, not even fantasy) and I trust that these techniques help to disconnect the automatic stimuli-response (p-pmo) and leave room to reconnect to something closer to the real thing.

<3

 

Cheers man, you're entirely right I think. I'm not letting the guard down, just now I know the new height it has to be to protect me from what I have to face in that stage of the reboots
Also, day 90 and day 500 have much more in common that you think - the main difference mainly being that at day 90 you count the days because "you want to get there", whereas at 500 you just live. =)
Take care