540 Days of No PMO

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by AModernMiroku, Jul 10, 2022.

  1. AModernMiroku

    AModernMiroku Fapstronaut

    Friends,

    Peace.

    Before I begin (this slightly late post--but I have been busy), I will post links as context for my journey thus far. It can be a little hard to see my progress if you are jumping into the story at such a late chapter! It might even seem like this success came out of nowhere (not so, I say! Not so!).

    My Journal
    90 Days of No PMO Success Story
    180 Days of No PMO Success Story
    365 Days of No PMO Success Story
    450 Days of No PMO Success Story

    The above links are mainly for me. They help me keep my "chapters" organized, & it is profitable for me to re-visit these chapters of my life. It is a clearer way to perceive growth over time.

    As for this 6th, 90-day cycle:

    Immediately, I think that this has been the most "normal" that I have felt during my whole healing process.

    My last Success Story (see above) started rough but evened out at the end.

    This time, as far as I can remember, was mostly calm (in terms of temptations). I know for a fact that my problems with a particular fetish reduced significantly, & my brain sometimes even finds it entirely repulsive & foreign. Other times, the fetish comes across as neutral. And other times still, it might seem tempting, but it is not chosen because it is seen as a lesser pleasure.

    I still struggle, but this seems like a huge boon in growth. My PMO temptations seem to have become more plain & ordinary ("vanilla," as they say). I still desire greater purity of heart & mind, but I would be a fool to discount this slow & real growth. Years ago, I would not have thought this possible (if you read any of my journal or other entries, you will note that I was highly involved in fetish forums &c.).

    This 90-day period was doubly successful because it saw the continued growth in purity & self-control alongside difficult variables: a new schedule due to new work, a somewhat devastating car crash, & poor treatment by people for whom I volunteer.

    It was also marked by an increase in nocturnal emissions--one week having far too many, which surprised me. Two of these were fairly vivid & unfortunately felt like PMO.

    However, this is my mere moment's recollection. I am going to skim through my last 90 days now...

    Some context quotes after-the-fact quotes:

    Day 450: But it is hard to describe in detail...besides simply saying, "No, I am not healed completely. Yes, great healing is possible. Complete healing is possible in this life, but it is difficult. Nothing short of an earthty purgatory shall do."

    DAY 455: I woke up feeling lonely & had some temptations. They were not the "impossible" urges, but they were those annoying ones. These are hard to describe, but it is when PMO/fetish simply sounds like a fun & pleasurable thing to do. A lot seemed in place for it to be a casual, restful time, & the temptation seemed less of a pornographic thing (although it had the sense to it) & more of a relaxation/pleasure/"perfect day" sort of thing.

    457: PMO/fetish has been annoying. I do not want to linger on it much--that has given it some power recently (on the one hand, it is good to vent & not let things get bottled up...on the other hand, sometimes longer reflections actually give life to the fantasies; many times these days, I find it more productive to simply kill the related thought before it has any chance at all)--but it has been a kind of desirous side thing. It looks disgusting at times (that is a good thing--there were times when this was not so), but it also can still look attractive--especially when paired with other temptations (vanity, MO/pleasure, security, fraternity, vulnerability, intimacy, &c.).

    461: I am sort of writing "off the cuff," but I still notice the trends from the other day. There have been unique elements that would make my current situation more reasonable:
    -new job
    -new schedule
    -less prayer time
    -new work stress
    -Holy time of the year wherein spiritual attacks might be more prevalent (I mean, I remember relapsing during Christmas/Easter times in the past, & those are the most depressing times to do so)

    A few other points that I have recently noticed include:
    -It is the beginning of the next 90 day cycle. It has been pretty consistent in being difficult during these starts.
    -Only a few days ago (454) I had a serious nocturnal emission. I was worried that chaser effects might develop, & it really seems that they have. Even in my journal, my notices on my struggles begin not before that day but the day after (455).

    Anyway, the urges have continued to be at a high level.

    I went to bed last night wanting the fetish, imagining what I could do...

    ...& I woke up this morning wanting the fetish, imagining what I could do...

    I do not want to trigger people, but there is ritual involved, so there would be fetish acting out followed by MO before bed in this desire. In the morning, there would just be enjoying the fetish & lazing around until some morning/midday point, wherein MO would (again, ritually/scheduled/planned) take place followed by some more acting out. The person fully acting out would basically live on this kind of clock barring other variables in the sessions.

    The situation is ultra-addicting because it is ultra-sensual. When I say sensual, I of course mean those touches related to sexual stimulus...but I use sensual in the older way, meaning related to sense. This fetish perpetually covers touch, smell, sound, & sight. In implicit ways, it can always involve taste, too. So, it is truly addicting...

    So yes, this morning I woke up wishing on some level (obviously, not on my deepest level) that I was acting out with the fetish--even if alone. I was aroused, & my mind was clouded.

    I am still reeling from it.

    511: PMO/fetish were uncomfortably real today. This gets hard to explain.

    The fetish & some sensual desires have actually come across as disgusting (& again, they have in the past, too...). But there is still a random pull towards it. I know if I act out on it, all of it will return with some force.

    But I do not do this justice. I was wondering how I could still want something that I found disgusting or neutral? When I write these things, I am not referring to a kind of cognitive dissonance. There is not the usual kind of "I wish I could break from this! UGGGHHH!" alongside the "I really actually like this & want it."

    No. It has been more like, "Strange. This thing that I used to enjoy is repulsive today/not attractive. I have no biological reaction to it. But I would still engage in it for the MO."

    It is truly a weird thing.

    Today, I tried to map out why I would still MO to something, at worst, neutral. The answers were the same old same old:
    -It was something I used to enjoy. The body is physical & bears this weight.
    -I enjoy the things that surround the fetish (ritual, attention, extreme sexual stimulus, relational role-playing, escapism &c.).

    It can hurt the mind to ponder these things. Sometimes it seems like the questions go in circles--as if you can always ask another Why?

    516: That aside, working out really does seem to have a direct relationship with my feeling of more intense arousal. My mind tends to feel more calm when at rest, but I can feel wild in a diversity of ways during/after a workout. Currently, I just plan to adapt. This is no doubt a manly thing, & I must reclaim it.

    But the arousal has been tough. Fetish concepts have been way more tempting, I am quite embarrassed to say (given my decent streak of feeling normal/nothing/disgust). Again, I think a part of it has to due with old associations. My brain seems trained to return to old nonsense whenever it is aroused by even unrelated circumstances. Arousal is still tied to PMO/fetish, even if by way of memory.

    The fetish was still more rooted in relationships, touch, brotherhood, & pleasure. But I would be a liar if I said that I did not remember & desire to act out in more deviant manners...the more extreme things tend to leave a more annoying stain in the brain.

    Not to mention that I am still long without my roommate. This mere situation escalates everything. It would be quite easy to arrange a fetish hookup or the like...

    ...sigh...

    I need to be patient. I am growing, but life is difficult.

    516: Last night I spent too long online here again. I meant to go to bed, but I looked at some updates in a friend's journal.

    This journal had new comments made by someone I did not know. The commentary seemed friendly & familiar enough, so I thought I would see what this new member was about.

    I went to the person's journal & was put in a difficult place.

    The person in question lives an active SSA lifestyle with all the "bells & whistles." Fetishes, sex toys, roleplaying, more-or-less constant sensuality/sexuality with other men (one man in particular).

    I rant because it was unexpected, & even skimming to avoid details (because sometimes I do like to commiserate with other SSA-dudes who do not share my faith [we often have the same problems but a very, very different approach {God bless them}]) was not enough. Triggers were everywhere.

    519:
    Later, I saw two young, male runners. I did not see them for long; I really do not know much. But they only wore shorts that went a quarter or less to the thigh (I guess they also had sun-visors). The rest of the seemingly flawless skin & perfect runner's slim physique was on display...

    I cannot elaborate, but I really wish for that sort of thing--the nonsexualized brotherhood even during what would easily be sexualized in a romantic setting. My SSA makes it almost impossible to just be with other guys in this fashion--there is often an unwanted sexualized component. For some reason, I want to be able to enjoy this male phenomenon; I feel like I am missing out on something. It is hard to explain--especially when on a timer to write here. Of course, there is also the desire to not care so much about people seeing my body, & the other desire of wanting a physique like those two. The closest I ever get to this is with close friends when I am forgetful of myself--sometimes in a rough sports match.

    Day 527: Triggering Dream

    529: PMO/fetish temptations were slight today. Overall, these have been like nothing as of late. It is not to say that I do not "melt" at attractive figures...but my thoughts have been managed & controlled, & my passions seemed to be better governed. It is hard to explain except in saying that things have been easier, "tamer," & purer.

    532: Despite all of that writing, I have been well. As said, the temptations are practically non-existent these days, & the worst temptations are quite foreign to how I used to be (not really fetish based concepts but, again, just simple SSA relationships [that said, things go back & forth]).

    534: As for PMO/fetish, the temptations have been a lot of the same:

    On the one hand, there is a vague desire for SSA relationships in all its "vanilla" terms (from hugging & hand holding to things that are completely contrary to the natural law--these things fluctuate in intensity & topic).

    ....

    On the other hand, sometimes my mind revisits the fetish &...it seems boring or disgusting. There is little to even no arousal. And yet, my mind visits this "part" of my brain. It is hard to explain. It is like a man searching a room only to find that the room is empty...& yet, the man remembers the old things in the room.

    Or, in some ways, it is like a computer error. My brain is signaling its desire to some familiar place, & the return is an error.

    Or it is like returning to an old place but only finding that the place has changed (& perhaps you have as well).

    These comparisons do not do the feeling any good. They do not make the separation of the thought & the lack of feeling clear enough. It seems illogical to say that the mind goes to something in want out of some kind of old pattern...but does not want it. A paradox of sorts.

    Suffice to say, I was like this on two of my last, long streaks...& I still gave in. I am not exactly the same, of course...but I still recall that in some limited capacity I did not experience fetish temptations in the way that I had before.

    But the acting out that did happen (that lead me here) did seem to restore a lot of the former power of the temptations.

    It is all hard to write out.

    Thankfully, I still think that I have grown, & the healing of my brain does seem to be at its best.

    DAY 535: Unexpected trigger & Long Post

    536: PMO/fetish things were on the mind. It is weird. It is not on the mind right now for the usual reasons. It is trigger related. Now, it is like a kind of haunting dream. The fetish itself is not *currently* attractive for its ritualistic reasons, either. It tends to be distant at best. At worst, it is a non-arousing thing that would garner the attention & delight of the other person (see yesterday's post). On occasion, it is still seen distantly as possibly an ornament to the male body-form--but even this is more "vanilla," as it were.

    538:
    There has been a real craving for SSA relationship, & I hate saying that. It is hard to explain. If I had to keep it simple: I feel lonely, & I want to make up that void with someone I would feel comfortable around. There is not just a romantic quality that I crave, but there is something more here...there is brotherhood, fraternity, boyish antics, &c. I want to be wanted, & I suppose I want that desire to be expressed in more physical ways. There is also something different about a man, & this goes beyond physical appearance. There is a kind of trust & bond between two men that cannot be replicated between a man & a woman. Why this is somewhat romantic for me is likely complicated.

    I trip over my words because most of my wants really are not sexual...and I really, really mean that. For some reason, there are greater delights in having another man to be open with about this. To have solidarity with. To be able to rest upon & cry at need. To have non-sexual touch. It sounds over-the-top, I know. But sometimes I feel so alone, & there just is this desire for something close & free.

    There are, of course, other competing desires: Do I want attention? Yes. Do I want someone to appreciate my body? Yes. Do I want sensual pleasure? Yes...

    I am sorry; I am not making much sense. I am just really in "a mood," as they say.

    539: Another vivid nocturnal emission

    Day 540 Day-of Entry:

    6th 90-day reboot: I might write another Success Story on this--for this round (despite my very recent posts) has been the cleanest to date.

    Despite my recent problems & my current pains, I can say with a joy & optimism that this streak has seen an increase in self-control & a overall purity in thought. This is an added boon given that I had to adapt to a new schedule (new job) & had a terrible car wreck during this time-frame.

    Add to this the general decline in temptations--& those temptations that occur, generally also being more "vanilla" in flavor (this has happened in the past, but it is still a great thing to record here & celebrate; small victories are still victories).

    It is simply (naturally) unbelievable that I could be fairly distant from fetish stuff--especially sometimes even being repulsed or at least un-attracted by it when other options (i.e., normal options) were present. A decade+ ago, I would have essentially thought this to be an impossible thing. Even a few years ago, I might not have expected this much success.

    ---

    So yeah. Upon reviewing my Journal, it was not as smooth sailing as I remember! I had a rough first 15 days of the cycle--then, things actually smooth out a lot (despite the difficulties that still existed, Day 465 onward were remarkably calm). Growth was more than apparent.

    A lot of my time became better when I started a more strict schedule (minimized time here on NoFap; more time in prayer; balanced out study, reading, & workout using a timer--but still did them each pretty much every day).

    By the tail-end, too, my difficulties were still present, but they took on a whole new light (the temptation to "vanilla" forms of MO).

    Suffice to say, I am very pleased with all of this, & it is the best I have felt in a long time.

    I am still not done here yet, though! I intend to beat my highest streak--which was around two years!

    For anyone who made it this far in this long post: thank you. If you have any questions or comments, please let me know.

    Thanks,
    God bless,
    A Modern Miroku
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2022
  2. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, did you also faced Flatline during your reboot? What was it like and how did you get out of it?
     
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  3. AModernMiroku

    AModernMiroku Fapstronaut

    Quite honestly, my friend, I never remember flatlining. I probably did at one point in this journey before joining NoFap, but at that time, I was not looking for it or thinking about it. I was probably just miserable, & I have no recollection thereof.

    On the contrary, I pretty much am always able to be aroused.

    The NoFap definition for flatlining is as follows:

    Many NoFap® users report one or more periods of zero libido during their streak, especially in the 2-6 week period. Transitioning from an overexcited, always-eager libido to none at all can be disconcerting and even scary for the experienced masturbator, but many Fapstronauts report that it is only a phase in the reboot and will pass.


    Yeah--I am not like that at all. Even a small, unrelated thing can make me terribly aflame physically, mentally, & emotionally.

    ___

    Thanks for stopping by.
     
  4. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

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    May i ask, if you consider yourself, a heavy PMO addict or just a casual viewer? That would explain a lot.
     
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  5. Redemptionisrequired

    Redemptionisrequired Fapstronaut

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    What a journey you've been through, so much growth. Well done my monk friend!!
     
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  6. AModernMiroku

    AModernMiroku Fapstronaut

    My journal gives more context--but to give a great understatement: I was absolutely in the worst of addiction & escalation. This was mostly unbroken during an early age until a time in college. I was a daily PMOer--probably averaging at least twice a day--but possibly so much as 3-5 (on a conservative estimate) a day.

    ...hardly casual in content or in act.

    @Redemptionisrequired : HOLY SMOKES HE'S BACK!
     
  7. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

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    I see, i am having the period of flatline after 50 days i think. I know this time will pass, but the lethargic cant concentrate phase is really killing me in the specially in exam period. I would like you advice on how to deal with it. Thanks
     
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  8. Kieran2121

    Kieran2121 Fapstronaut

    Hello there, just that we're clear you have moved yourself to the hall of fame and you deserve a lot of respect :)

    It is a very noble thing that we're doing here and it might be one of the most difficult things we will ever do. PMO is as addictive and harmful as heroine. This is no small deed. And you've done it. Twice already :)

    To be honest I'm surprised how little attention your post is getting because I haven't seen a new success story of this magnitude here for a very long time. I've read it all and I thank you for sharing it.

    I was a bit disappointed though that you didn't really chart your flatlines because that is where my biggest interest lies as I've been dealing with those flatlines and overlying insomnia for quite some time already. But after reading what you've got to say on this, I can very easily imagine how that could happen. And perhaps your way is better, instead of focusing on feeling crummy, you just faced what you had to face and got over with that.

    I'm also very familiar with that non-sexual male attraction you've been describing. It confused me quite a bit when I was younger and made me question my sexual identity. Today I understand it a bit more. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation. It's about my wounded boyhood. It's about the boy I've never been and the man I'm slowly becoming

    And I'm not saying it as a victim or with any regrets. I'm at a good place and I embrace my uniqueness :)

    I also enjoyed reading about big progress regarding some fetishes you developed on the way.

    Props to You. The journey continues :)
     
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  9. AModernMiroku

    AModernMiroku Fapstronaut

    I am in a bit of pain (unrelated to PMO...just in case that is not clear), so my reply might be lacking.

    Anyway, my advice is quite boring but hopefully quite sound: You need to struggle through it. I do not have any magical tricks or the like. I would say that when I likely had flatlines (before I visited here), I suffered through them. Thankfully, I had tons of accountability, & I kept myself busy. And this helped a lot.

    I suppose all of that is commonsense, though. Get yourself involved in clubs, sports, activities, &c. Gain true, IRL friends that know your struggles--at least some vague notion of PMO. Have someone you can readily report to & rely on. My best friend eventually became my accountability partner. I just kind of broke down to the fellow, & he was fine with it. I would not have gone a long way without that kind of support & respect.

    I had the added strength of prayer & a serious prayer life. I recommend this, but I cannot force this.

    A strong goal is also needful. Given my Catholic background, it was "do or die" for me to get my act together (especially since I was getting involved in all sorts of trouble). But for many here, it is not quite so serious. It is easier to fall back into bad habits if one really does not think that they are bad...or at least, bad enough to avoid entirely.

    Sorry for the inadequate response. I cannot focus at the moment. I hope this helps; it is fairly common stuff...& it is all kind of hard to do.

    ---

    You are too kind.

    I would not say that I deserve respect...but a place in the NoFap hall of fame would be fine!

    The only reason I had to do this sort of thing twice is because I let go of a long streak once. This is, in many ways, a never-ending battle.

    As for flatlines: I think I had them but just counted it as suffering related to addiction. I did not have these as much this round due to how long I have been struggling at this (seriously for almost a decade). My recent bad days have not been as bad as the past. It is hard to say, though. The official definition involves a lack of libido...and my problem was that I was always ready to PMO...I mean, maybe give me 3-8 minutes in-between...but otherwise, always...

    My SSA is complicated, to say the least. I agree with your points, but sometimes I am truly sexually attracted to men. It would be a lie to say otherwise.

    Anyway, thanks for stopping by!
     
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  10. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

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    Thanks it wasnt lacking. It just showed what it is. It made me remember someone once told me, the more important the thing which is hard to aquire, the more suffering you just have to endure. I understand.
    I come from a place where there is hardly any awareness about NOFAP, PMO and its effects, where boys literally brag about the TB's of Porn stored on their hard drives. Hopefully, i take it very seriously and dont stash all the stuff anywhere. As for accountability i have everyone here and some people IRL. Sorry i am not religious and i dont plan on being one soon.
    Yes, i have a strong WHY now. I was having some health issues and many fetishes related fantasies came back in my mind when i was at the low, thankfully i was able to sleep it off. Yet i find myself fantasizing more, and once almost opened a site, but was able to comeback thanks to mental training i have been doing. Thanks for the advice.
    Another thing, how does it feel when you come out of a flatline? I dont see much difference ever since starting really.
     
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  11. AModernMiroku

    AModernMiroku Fapstronaut

    @Kratos_GOW Yes, if you want more advice, I might have more when I am feeling better. I think most of it is commonsense but still quite difficult.

    I really do not have a "scientific" answer to your flatline questions, it seems.

    All I know is that now, I usually have one or two intense periods of arousal every 90 days (while still being able to feel similar experiences throughout every day); that my tastes have normalized; that I have more nocturnal emissions; that I do not really have difficulty with what the "flatline" definition outlined.

    I do not know. If you could narrow in your question--especially by explaining your own context & situation--I might be able to better respond by way of comparison.
     
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  12. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

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    You can say it's pretty much similar to your case. Like i guess i started around 8 years ago. At first it was one time a week. Then 2, then daily, and over years it was 2 times daily average. Sometimes more.

    I have seen posts of how many people keep saying like this is what happens in x specific day, which i can't relate too. I don't feel high levels of energy and i am not feeling any different. I have evolved in building a metal fortitude around starring on nofap no matter how much things get bad, but i don't see any major life changing things, which i don't know if i should hope for or accept that this is all there is. Real confused here.
     
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  13. Kieran2121

    Kieran2121 Fapstronaut

    Be patient. It takes longer than 90 days for most of the people to get to the good stuff :) Hang in there :)
     
  14. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man. I m gonna make it.
     
  15. AModernMiroku

    AModernMiroku Fapstronaut

    I agree with both the aforementioned comments.

    I think that in general, I do not feel super-awesome. Granted, I used to be ultra-depressed...but in general, I think that many users go from miserable to...normal. This is impressive, but I think many users think that recovery will grant them something above and beyond. I tend to think that it simply heals & returns one to a balanced state...which can still seem pretty regular, average, & boring (but is super great compared to slavery to PMO!).

    Also, yes: things like this (for super PMO users) tends to take more than 90 days to see results. This is true with my experience and many others here. I said as much in my 180 Days Success story. My thought was that the first 90 days was not necessarily a "true" 90 days of being clean. What I mean is that the first few days (0 onward for a while) were still riddled with thoughts of PMO. The second round of 90 days was more authentic insofar as the start of that period was already "clean." In this way, the second set of 90 days was a truer abstention.
     
  16. MrPriest

    MrPriest Fapstronaut

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    Incredibly inspiring, hat off to you son.
     
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  17. AModernMiroku

    AModernMiroku Fapstronaut

    @MrPriest : Thanks! And it looks like you might be new around here...so welcome!
     
  18. Shadow of the east

    Shadow of the east New Fapstronaut

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    How flatline affected your daily life routine? How long did it take you to recover from it and how did you feel after you were finally recovered?

    When I started this journey, I had good energy up to day 23 but since then, Flatline started and I started feeling very very low energy and all the withdrawal symptoms along. I am around 125 days now and I still don't see any recovery signs. I want to know exactly how did you feel after you had finally recovered from it?
     
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  19. AModernMiroku

    AModernMiroku Fapstronaut

    @Shadow of the east I am afraid I do not have much more to add to that discussion (flatline). See the above posts for more.

    @Kratos_GOW had asked me the very same, & I replied in kind.

    Sorry for the lack here. But, by & by, I have already written a lot about my recovery & feelings (& flatline). A lot of this is covered above--& the rest is linked above in my Journal & other success stories. Honestly, I give a pretty solid image of my recovery; I detail it daily...

    In short: I feel great.
     
  20. Redemptionisrequired

    Redemptionisrequired Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps I can assist, my monk friend, regarding flatline related questions!

    and @Shadow of the east .

    As someone who's reached about 400+ day of abstinence prior to the last couple of months and experienced flatline /PAWS, I would tell you the best way to tackle the flatline and any PAWS you may experience along the journey, is to focus on building the new you. Focus on natural ways to regulate your dopamine and serotonin levels.

    -Spend time outside
    -Meditation
    -Exercise
    -Completing short and long term goals for improvement
    -Protect your sleep, i.e turn off devices and screens at least 30 mins to 1 hour before bed
    -Spend time with people who matter
    -Find your purpose

    It's essentially going back to teaching yourself that long-term gratification vs short-term is not only more rewarding, but it stands strong and isn't brittle. Your brain, with time , will latch on to these healthy patterns and regulate your mood.

    The negative emotions, brain fog, emptiness and fatigue you may experience during flatline/PAWS is a testament to the damage we have done to our brain with PMO, and perhaps excess social media too.

    As anything else, with time, it will fade. It is not permanent, learn to observe it and not resist it. It's part of the process of reclaiming your life.

    Everyones journey is unique, the amount of time it takes to heal varies, as there are numerous variables.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2022
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