6(?) Years PMO, Day 5 of Nofap

I do not like being addicted. I do not like having to deal with the urges and the confrontations with my own problems, the realizations that I've really screwed myself over with six years of porn and the millennial attitude of instant gratification. I just want this to be done. If it were practical I'd just put myself into a coma for a month or two, but I doubt that would actually help anything.

I'll be 23 next week but I still haven't shaken the feeling that I'm still a kid, that I haven't had the kind of experiences and relationships my friends and family have had that seem like milestones growing up. I don't feel like a man. I want relationships and affection but I don't even know what those constitute anymore. I haven't had a girlfriend since I was 18 and that lasted all of two months. I know I find girls attractive, but when it comes to interacting with them, acting on that attraction...I just have no interest.

I guess I'm just used to feeling dull. I almost kind of like it, the ability to look at a situation dispassionately and analyze it logically. Being unswayed by emotion makes me feel intelligent, like a Vulcan or something, but Vulcans don't need to dope themselves on their own brain chemicals to keep that state up. I like being with the few friends I have, I enjoy my hobbies though they are rather expensive and hard to indulge in. Then I step back and analyze my situation and think...where am I gonna be in five years? In this rented room in a house still working for my dad with no girlfriend, enjoying my own constructed fantasies and disdaining the reality I HAVE to live in?

I'm closing day five on not touching myself. All today I've been thinking about hiring a prostitute or going hard into hookup apps, and I did browse around and touch myself some before I managed to stop myself. I'm not counting this as a reset. I almost don't want to even count days. I do seem to have MUCH more free time but I don't like it. I have to suck it up and make myself do things when I don't have work or I'm going to convince myself it's just easier to indulge in fantasy since reality is so irritating.

I'm not motivating myself with hope. I don't really know what I want in terms of encouragement. I know that unless I do this for myself because I decided to do it I won't stick with it.

I need to be a man. I need to go out in the world and do things. All the problems I see in the world make me angry and if I'm so sure I have the solutions then I need to start applying them and living them instead of wishing things were the way I envision them in my brain. Put up or shut up.