10 year's freedom from pmo - my Catholic method

So many great posts and points! Hope to reply at length this evening. For now, I'm commiting to no PMO until 3pm. After that, I am free to run wild into the world of sin and despair or run joyfully into the world of grace and peace. Until then, pax!

 

In providing my own thoughts on the matter, I am reminded of Job being surrounded by his three friends in his misery. After seven days of being with him in silence, each finally gave a drawn out speech about why God was allowing Job to suffer so much. The first time I read it, each of the speeches made complete sense to me, and I thought that what they were saying were very wise things that I should heed. So imagine my surprise when the very next thing I read was God immediately condemning them their faulty reasoning! Needless to say, "who can understand the Wisdom of God?" Only those to whom the Spirit of Truth is given. And if even for St. Paul this was like looking into a "foggy mirror" while he was still on earth, then it goes to show how much more so it would be for an addict such as myself who so frequently fogs up his own brain with deeds of darkness. Holy Spirit, enlighten us in our darkness, and guide us on our way!

When it comes to the question of whether or not God wills that we sin, I think it is safe to say that, no, of course He doesn't! Sin is contrary to His glory and to our being able to find our happiness in that very glory. It cuts us off from His grace - it leads to our destruction. And as St. Peter reminds us: "His will is that all of you should attain repentance, not that some should be lost." (2 Peter 3:9). "For God made not death, neither hath he pleasure in the destruction of the living. For he created all things that they might be: and he made the nations of the earth for health." (Wisdom 1:13-14). God made us to enjoy "good health" and "life," not to sin and cut ourselves away from that very reality.

And what is our health, our salvation, our true life, at the end of the day? Living in, and being embraced eternally by, God's Love. Yet can love be forced? No, it must be freely given and freely chosen. And in giving us the opportunity to say "yes" to that love, God has left us with the option to say "no" ... so that our yes may have meaning. Otherwise, we would be nothing more than robots! And while robots can do some pretty cool things, especially nowadays, falling in love is not, nor never will it be, one of them. So, in creating us with the capacity for love and to love, God allows us to sin, for it's the flipside of inviting us to enter freely into a union of love with Him--even though He also detests it when we do it, as He knows fully how much it deprives us of that very union and happiness in Him. As the Book of Wisdom put it, God's "Plan A" for humanity was not that we sin and usher in death. Yet it was in keeping with His "Plan A" that we should be able to do so, that we may have the freedom to accept His Love.

Sadly, Adam and Eve sinned, and so ushered in sickness and death. Amazingly, God countered their faithlessness by sending His Son as a gift, "not to condemn the world, but to save it" (John 3:14). He used Adam's Fall from Grace as an opportunity to respond with Mercy. He used their sin to give us something far greater than what had been lost through their disgrace. "For if by the offence of one, many died; much more the grace of God, and the gift, by the grace of one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many." Hence, "where sin abounded, grace did more abound." (Romans 5:15, 20).

I really don't understand how amazing this is... To think that God allowed the sin of Adam, just because He knew that in allowing it, He would be able to respond with a greater love than even our biggest sin (all in a human manner of speaking). We sinned and God showed love all the more. We created a Fall and lost our preternatural graces, and, in response, Christ descended to earth, to give us something far greater than what was lost--His very Self. And so in faith during the Easter Exultet we sin, "O happy fault [of Adam] that gave us so great a Savior!"

This gives me, as an addict, great hope. If I understand things correctly--and at any moment I fear that God is going to speak up and tell me to shut up already!--this means that the same can be true in my life. IF I receive God's grace, IF I cooperate with His plan of redemption for my life, I, too, will one day be able to look back at even my greatest fault, my most grievous sin, and sing, "O happy fault of mine, that gave me such a great chance to experience the Mercy of my Creator!" May I never sin again, as I know that it displeases my good Father. Yet if I should ever sin again--Heaven forbid!--may God use it to draw me even closer to Himself, that I may rest with even greater love in His bosom. The gift will always be there -- only pride could ever ultimately deprive me of my reception of that gift. For “pride has extreme gravity, because in other sins man turns away from God either through ignorance or through weakness, or through desire for any other good whatever; whereas pride denotes aversion from God simply through being unwilling to be subject to God and His rule” (Summa Theologica II q.162 ad.1).

And pride, for me, is a very real thing. True, it is a very stupid thing. But it is there, rooted firmly, nonetheless. And I think that God has allowed the lesser sins of the flesh, which bring me so much shame, to help heal the greater sin of pride, which is so hidden even to myself. I am with you, Mr. Eko! So many times I have thought I was trying my hardest to respond to God's grace, when, in hindsight, I can now see that it was really otherwise the case. Pride blinded me from that then, as I am sure that it is blinding me even now. And so, “In order to overcome pride, God will punish certain men by allowing them to fall into sins of the flesh, which though actually are less grievous than pride itself, are outwardly more shameful . . . From this indeed, the gravity of pride is made manifest. For just as a wise physician, in order to cure a worse disease, allows the patient to contract one that is less dangerous, so that the sin of pride is shown to be more grievous, by the very fact that as a remedy God allows some of them to fall into other sins” (Summa Theologica II q.162 ad.3). The confusion and destructive quality of my sins remind me how much misery I would experience should I ever think that I can achieve for myself something better than what God has in store. Meanwhile, the healing power of God's goodness reminds me how much I owe God love. "For you are wholly good, and worthy of all my love."

Perhaps this is what Christ was trying to teach Simon? "But Jesus answered him thus, Simon, I have a word for thy hearing. Tell it me, Master, he said. There was a creditor who had two debtors; one owed him five hundred pieces of silver, the other fifty; they had no means of paying him, and he gave them both their discharge. And now tell me, which of them loves him the more? I suppose, Simon answered, that it is the one who had the greater debt discharged. And he said, Thou hast judged rightly. Then he turned towards the woman, and said to Simon, Dost thou see this woman? I came into thy house, and thou gavest me no water for my feet; she has washed my feet with her tears, and wiped them with her hair. Thou gavest me no kiss of greeting; she has never ceased to kiss my feet since I entered; thou didst not pour oil on my head; she has anointed my feet, and with ointment. And so, I tell thee, if great sins have been forgiven her, she has also greatly loved. He loves little, who has little forgiven him." (Luke 7:40--47). And maybe this is what St. Augustine meant when he quoted Paul (as Keli brought up in her own thread), "Everything cooperates for the good of those who love God" ... only to then add, "etiam peccata!" Yes... he added, "even sin!"

But this doesn't mean that I should sin. Every time I sin, I harden my heart against God's love. I make my conversion more and more difficult to attain. And, in truth, had I died some years ago, I believe I would have chosen Hell over God. I despised His Love. It disgusted me so terribly... and yet I still knew and could not deny that I was meant for it, even created for it. How crazy that in spurning it, I even found a sick, hellish satisfaction in doing so, which only brought even greater self-wrought pain to my soul, to which I responded through even greater self-willed hatred of my Creator, ad naseum. I have no words for describing it except that it was the willed unleashing of Hell in my own heart. And in my sickness, in my addiction, in my insanity, I experienced it even in the celebration of Mass, despite appearances to the contrary. I sinned grievously against God, and I sinned grievously against His Church. For that I have much penance before me. Thank God that He should even offer me such a chance...

To sum up my post and what I think what has been said above by others, I'd like to leave this at least as a reminder for myself. It is some extremely awesome, amazingly practical advise from The Spiritual Combat, a spiritual classic: "Whenever you art overtaken by any fault, look more deeply into yourself, and more keenly feel your absolute and utter weakness; for to this end did God permit your fall, that, warned by His inspiration and illumined by a clearer light than before, you may come to know yourself, and learn to despise yourself as a thing unutterably vile, and be therefore also willing to be so accounted and despised by others. For without this willingness there can be no holy self-distrust, which is founded on true humility and experimental self-knowledge. This self-knowledge is clearly needful to all who desire to be united to the Supreme Light and Uncreated Truth; and the Divine Clemency often makes use of the fall of proud and presumptuous men to lead to It; justly suffering them to fall into some faults which they trusted to avoid by their own strength, that they may learn to know and absolutely distrust themselves. Our Lord is not, however, wont to use so severe a method, until those more gracious means of which we have before spoken have failed to work the cure designed by His Divine Mercy. He permits a man to fall more or less deeply in proportion to his pride and self-esteem; so that if there were no presumption (as in the case of the Blessed Virgin Mary), there would be no fall. Therefore, whenever you shall fall, take refuge at once in humble self-knowledge, and beseech the Lord with urgent entreaties to give you light truly to know yourself, and entire self-distrust, lest you should fall again, perhaps into deeper perdition." (Emphasis mine).

Thank you, Mr. Eko, for reminding me that to use the "gracious means" given to us in prayer, the sacraments, obedience, etc., is, of course, the far better--and ultimately only--course. Thank you, merciful Savior, for using even my spurning of Your goodness to show me how terrifying my life would ultimately be spent eternally apart from You. May I never sin again. May I cling to you in love for the rest of this day, and, please God, down to my dying breath!

May it be so for all of my brothers and sisters who suffer the insanity of addiction and sin. May peace in Your Son save us all at last.

Onward unto God!
Pax.

 

I don't suggest their is a link between my sins and the death of my daughter. Human suffering on earth is a consequence of original sin and the sins of mankind. Nevertheless, there can be no doubt that there is a link between my sins and my short temper at home and I will always regret that. I recalled the death of my daughter because it was an obvious case where God's will was not my will but I have recognized His plans are infinitely better and thus, more often than not, different from mine.

 

I think this is what makes our situation, in a way, so delicate. For a long time I resisted the idea of looking at addiction as a disease, even though I had worked the 12 Steps—which rely on such a model—and found a lot of help in them. In treatment, however, we were shown a documentary titled “Pleasure Unwoven,” and I was finally able to accept the disease model when it comes to addiction. I think it is very telling also that the secular program that has the most success rate when it comes to recovery from addiction is that which doctors have to go through. It is a five year program with many components and with the assumption that there is an ambivalence in the person that must be addressed. What is this ambivalence? The fact that the addict is in some ways free to choose certain things, and not free to choose others. Hence, it provides support, but also holds the addict responsible. True, an alcoholic might not have the freedom to “drink like a gentlemen.” One drink goes in, and, inevitably, a dozen may follow. But he does have freedom to choose to exercise that day, call a friend, engage a hobby, go to a 12 Step, pray — with these being the things that can help him avoid taking that first drink. Hence, the disease model and the moral model are not mutually exclusive, but can be found together depending the case.

This is why it is my opinion that therapy and even medicine often have an integral role to play in some cases. Because true addiction -is- a disease, it can require the intervention of secular methods. We would never tell a heart patient on the brink of death to just receive the Sacrament of Anointing and trust in God. That would be obviously done, yet since God works through secondary means, going to the ER would be in keeping, in fact, mandated, by our Faith. Because I believe that both the disease model and the moral model more often than not intertwine in PMO, going to confession is essential. Yet so may be going to therapy and 12 Steps groups. In seminary, I was asked to keep my struggles exclusively in the realm of spiritual direction and confession, and was expressly deterred from seeking professional help, as was my desire. It was well-intentioned, but naive. Getting professional help sooner would have done much good.

Of course, there is much harm that can be experienced in these more secular camps. I was blessed to have my first pornography addiction counselor be a Catholic who used a thoroughly Catholic approach to his therapy. Not many therapist will tell you to go to weekly Adoration as part of their treatment plan! And not many confessors will help you to acknowledge the effect of past trauma and how much it could be influencing the current situation. For many, this may be a blind spot. To find somebody that can help bring these two worlds together is truly a gift.

To close, I was amazed how many good things I received in treatment that were wholly in keeping with the Faith, even if this was unknown to the therapists. “The trauma you suffered as a child was certainly not your fault… but as an adult, you are now responsible as to how you respond to it.” “Looking at the role of emotions in your acting out helps to explain it… but not excuse it.” “Do not let your emotions dictate your actions. Rather, acknowledge your emotions, and guide them wisely to good action.” “We are not the masturbation policy, but for pornography addicts, we maintain it is not something they should ever engage in, now or in the future.” There was, of course, a lot of bad advise too not in keeping with the Faith, especially when it came to certain lifestyles. While I was in a position not to be carried away by such advise, perhaps somebody with less formation would have found the situation to be very detrimental to their faith.

Obviously, we know as Catholics that recovery from addiction is not the end goal, but union with Christ. Hence, prayer, sacramentals, sacraments, the Church, etc., are indispensable. Yet we also can as Catholics maintain that medicine, science, and therapy have an indispensable part to play when it comes to our physical and emotional healing so necessary in treating addictions, which, in their turn, have an effect on our spiritual healing as well (and vice versa). To me, both sides have a key role to play, even if the spiritual is, ultimately, of a greater value. “For physical training [and, in keeping with this, medicine, therapy, recreational activities, etc.] is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” (1 Timothy 4:18).

I am glad for the treatment I am receiving for my addictive personality and OCD, and the medicine I am receiving has been of great help. I am glad also for the reminder by fellow Catholics to convert from my sins and trust in obedience the wisdom and rulings of God. Both are doing me immensely good. With faith and reason as my companions, God will not leave me without the tools that I’ll need along the way. And I trust that He will give each of us what is needed as well, similar insofar as we all share the same human nature and have the same divine destiny in Christ, yet also tailored differently in certain details in keeping with the specific needs of each of our unique situations.

All of the above, of course, is not official Church teaching. Just my own understanding of things based on my own experience and the observation of that of others. In many ways, it all stills remains largely a mystery, and I cannot even explain fully why I do the things I do.

Now time to put those tools mentioned earlier into action. That’s always an area I fall short! May today be a different story.

Onward unto God!
Pax

 

Primarily due to shame, I have never participated in therapy and it took me 50 years to reach the point I am at today. Perhaps with some form of Catholic based therapy I would have gotten here sooner. In the past, I believed that after a certain number of PMO free days the sinful neural pathways I had allowed to flourish in my mind would atrophy and I would be cured forevermore. I no longer believe that. In my case, accepting that the devil will always tempt me and that I must continually seek grace to fuel my resistance has been an important realization.

I must also say that in there have been times in my struggle when I have had to recognize my strength is waining and the temptation strong. At such points, I have to take tangible steps, in addition to fervent prayer, such as leaving my laptop in a place which is not convenient for me to access upon a mere impulse and/or not allowing myself to use it when I am alone. Not only are such things necessary, aren't they in keeping with God's expectations of us? When the devil tried to tempt Christ to leap from the temple wall and let the angels catch Him, His response was, thou shall not put the Lord God to the test. Isn't relying solely on God to cure us with a miracle, without any effort and battle strategies of our own, simply putting God to the test?

 

My thoughts have often tended in this general direction. Sometimes I have wondered whether why one can some times only find practical help in matters of addiction, mental health, etc., because of how much “non-technical” theological studies have become, for lack of a better word. In reading classics such as “The Spiritual Life,” “The Spiritual Combat,” “The Sinner’s Guide,” etc., as well as the writings of the early Church Fathers, the Desert Fathers, and many others, one can quickly see just how much practical advise there is in our Faith! My thought sometimes has been that the reason why so many people have to turn to therapists nowadays is because these secular field has had to take up what has been lacking in spiritual direction for so long. Having said all that, I still believe that psychology still has merits as its own branch of studies. But it does kindle my desire for a greater wedding of the two in our time.

 

My prayers go out to you, CPilot, and to your family. Funerals of parents burying their children is perhaps to hardest thing to witness… Perhaps there is comfort to be had in knowing that Mary understands from her own experience what it is like to go through such a difficult tragedy, and to cling firmly to the hope of the resurrection that will soon come.

Pax!

 

Thank you father and my prayers are with you. My beautiful daughter (she was a true beauty), was unfortunately not likely to follow a path of holiness given her outlook on spirituality VS modern society. However, when she became ill, a fantastic priest visited with her briefly, heard her confession and helped bring her back to the church. I will be forever grateful to that wonderful priest for his help. I draw particular comfort from the parable of the workers in the vineyard, Matt 20, where we are told that the workers who were late to the job received the same wages as those who worked all day. My daughter was late to the vineyard but she has been taken to heaven and there she is an aid to our family and our friends. Those of us who knew her on earth, have called on her for her help with various earthly matters and received it. This assurance that she is healed, filled with joy and safe with Our Lord rescued my wife and I from the deepest despair I have ever felt.

 

Antoine de Saint-Expury said "If you want to build a ship, don't drum up people to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea." He describes the absolute importance of inspiration and a vision of the future in order to accomplish big things. Perhaps, inspiration in the form of grace from the Holy Spirit is the vision we need. We also need the tangible (at some point the workers had to be organized and the wood collected) in order to achieve a goal. Visions of holiness inspired and born of grace coupled with the action of men is perhaps the recipe for sanctity.

 

Our communion with our loved ones despite death is truly amazing. Not even death can destroy our baptismal bonds - amazing. For, “[in Christ], the hope of blessed resurrection has dawned, that those saddened by the certainty of dying might be consoled by the promise of immortality to come. Indeed for your faithful, Lord, life is changed not ended, and, when this earthly dwelling turns to dust, an eternal dwelling is made ready for them in heaven.” (Preface for the Dead I).

May your daughter rest in peace in God's merciful arms. The resurrection of the dead is just around the corner, and we will soon be united to our loved ones in body and soul, if we but persevere in the grace of God.

Onward unto God!
Pax

 

Beautiful! Thank you!

 

[QUOTE = "CPilot, post: 3053126, member: 420461"] Antoine de Saint-Expury dijo: "Si quieres construir un barco, no apresures a la gente para que recoja leña y no les asignadas tareas y trabajos, enséñales a anhelar la inmensidad infinita del mar ". [/ CITA]

Que bonito esto ..
Gracias por compartir.
A veces desearía tener una vision más clara de lo que quiero para mi vida..o el sueño que Dios tiene para mi tanto en mi vocación como en mi profesión ..

 

I have often had the same wish. Lately, it is becoming clearer to me that God has put me exactly where He wants me to be. Now, I need to consider how I can best do His work from this place.

 

Unfortunately it's true.
It is rare to find a priest who can give you precise and not generic advice.
Some priests in confession do not even talk about the subject, perhaps for fear of touching too delicate issues, perhaps for inability to give true advice.

This is also true. Many weapons against PMO are to be found in the pre-conciliar period.

 

I have attended Confession many times over the course of my adult life and regrettably this has been my primary one-to-one interaction with priests. I can't say that every priest and every Confession has been equally helpful but certainly there have been some that stand out in my memory. When I consider the priest's role in Confession, I think it must be extremely difficult to provide truly valuable advice after such a short discourse.

However, I recall a very humble priest who heard my confession and led me to contemplate Luke 15:11-32 (the prodigal son) almost 20 years ago. It brought me to tears and I still think of that brief but helpful conversation. Recently, I confessed to a priest my sinful anger and in that short space of time he gave me some very helpful thoughts about this matter and again I was brought to tears (I think the tears are evidence of the Holy Spirit at work in me). Only on very few occasions have I left the confessional feeling no benefit at all.

In my case, the road to freedom from the sin of PMO has been a very long one with numerous failures (and I don't consider the road has ended, yet). I received practical help from others, such as Mr. Eko and spiritual help from several priests through the sacrament of Confession but ultimately I know that no one and no earthly tactic will save me. It is my relationship with God that has tipped the balance and it is finally clear to me that this relationship needs daily, sometimes several times daily, heartfelt prayer/conversation with Our Precious Lord. Also, as Mr. Eko stated, twenty seconds of prayer is not enough. The prayer must continue as long as the attack is underway.

 

Stress, work, family, bureaucracy ... the temptations are so strong that when a promise is over it is difficult for me to make a promise of longer duration.

For example, yesterday I finished a promise for 48 hours. I should do one in 3 or 4 days but I fear that, given my situation now, I will not be able to fulfill it.

What do I do??