700 somewhat days PMO free. The addiction is back.

So here we are, relapsed again. A tissue full of cum in one hand, a tiny limp piece of meat in the other. Fuck this shit, i thought i slayed the dragon a long time ago but it still lives in me. This will be a story about falling down and getting up, because everybody does sometimes.

Let me tell you something about my journey and where i am right now. If you are on day 1 and read the title, you might think, fuck this shit, this guy is still addicted after such a long time, i'm out. Don't. Although i'm feeling like shit right now, i can't even comprehend how far down the hole i was. This journey changed my life beyond imagination, it's going to do the same for you. The reason i'm posting this is first of all to get everything from the first relapse till this day on paper, i want to see if patterns occur when writing it all down, second off all i really hope i can help/give hope to some of you guys.

Well off we go

I've been PM free for over 700 days, to be precise 713 days. O was in the mix about 100/150 days in. During those times i had sex with woman. Before i started with the NoFap journey, let's say about 2/3 years ago i was a socially awkward fat motherfucker, who could not even look girls in the eye when i was talking to them. Well i guess i don't have to go into much detail about how it feels feeling that way because you guys, to some degree, all been there. What i can say i've became some what of a pick up artist (i don't like the word). I approached girls in the streets (daygame) This all led to a great life where i was having an awsome time. Just to show you guys what's possible in 2 to 3 years, your limits are selfimposed believe me.

Half a year ago the addiction came back, i had regular sex with some girls, but as you might know if you are not looking for a commited relationship girls tend to come and go, there i was, in one of those dryspells and i found myself more and more looking at instagram pictures of girls. The first relapse was pictures only, we are talking about March last year, it suddendly happened. After all those days i rubbed one out again. After this relapse i said to myself, alright you've come such a long way, this is not going to define your journey. I am back on the wagon again, and so i did. Ofcourse that first week wasn't much fun, but i went through it like something that had to be done, and so i did.

Around august this year shit turned bad quite rapidly. As you are all struggling with the virus so was i. I had to work from home from now on. In retrospect i think being at home all the day killed me somehow. I went from social interactions all day on the workfloor and daygaming on my way home (i commute to work) to a little conversation in the evening with my mom, also i live in a small village nowhere near a city, so going out to the city during this virus bullshit is not something one does.

In August the second relapse came. Again instagram was that motherfucker that got me there, problem this time was that i decided to finish off to P. So here we are, august last year shooting up my load in a tissue. Looking at fake woman (trust me, they are... well most of them). This was the thing i tought would never happen again, heck after 700 days i was off this shit, i was not defined by social anxiety anymore, by my fat belly, by my lazy attitude. I was defined by my killer eye contact, I was working out everyday, i had a much better social life than i could ever imagine.

I would lie to you guys if i said that this all went away like one experiences with smaller streaks. The first week was hell, but i fucking killed it, i ran miles and miles everyday, dipped my balls in icewater afterwards and i survived. Still it happened and it would not let me get off easy this time.

During the period from August till now i still worked from home. And it all got a little darker, ofcourse the weather. I hate it when days are short, makes me feel depressed in a way. Also i really looked forward to travelling, i've made plans to go and travel alone for the first time, going on an adventure. This, due to virusrestrictions all came to an end. During this time (August till now) I relapsed. How much i don't know, i always made it to a week and often a month maybe more, if i had to estimate i would say i had about 5 relapses in this period. What's important to tell you guys is it always was one relapse, i did not binge. Which, afterwards is really important. I still was working out like an animal, but the social life was slowly drifting away from me...

Then christmas came around, it was all fun and games, i even had a streak of 34 days and was going strong. Suddenly something happened with my health, i won't go into much detail but reality is i can not work out anymore for at least a month, also it is still uncertain if i have a serious health problem or if i'm fine, i will find out in a month. This i guess, somehow broke me down. I was so used to working out like a madman a hole arose. Guess what creepy little bastard was hanging around to fill the hole. Yes indeed, PMO. New Years day i relapsed 3 times, the second of january another one, and today after 3 days i relapsed again.

I feel like the coping mechanisms that helped me fight are all falling away, i can't work out for a while, i can't daygame, social life is almost dead right now (lockdown) and i can't get outside and be in nature because of the shitty weather (ofcourse i can when it's not raining but you get the point)

What do i have to do:

Cold showers: dip those balls in ice, nice and cold.

No, i repeat, NO Instagram: It's always the first slip before falling down the deep dark hole.

Meditation: I already did this, definatly have to keep it going, it helps with everything in life.

Reading: New books will be delivered shortly, i ordered them after the 3 relapses, it will take my mind of bad things.

Somewhere deep down i know i can do this, i did it before in worse conditions, i was PMO'ing about 4/5 times a day. But i'm scared, really scared. Once those doors open up again, and the possibility of relapse becomes real it's terryfying. I think fear, besides boredom is my biggest stumbling block. Well i guess everybody expierences fear, it's how we deal with it that sets us aside from the pack. Let's make a deal guys, and i'm in this all the way because i know how bright the sun shines at the other side. Let's make a commitment to each other that no other than a real woman is the next one that touches our dicks. The walk of shame, with a tissue full of cum is in our past now. We don't let that tissue define us. Life is beautiful, life is real. Let's make it happen.

 

The kindling effect feels quite real, things get darker after every relapse indeed.

A little update, starting day 3 today i feel a strange kind of energy in my body. Looks like sexual energy is slowly creeping up again, this morning i fatasized a little in bed, i have to make sure not to do this again. After i got out of bed i was really dreading the cold shower, i did anyway. 1-0 for me. But i can sense war is on it's way. Let's make a deal with ourselfs that we will go into war like soldiers, not like wankers.

Have a wonderful war today.

Love.

 

Today was quite depressing. You always forget how this feels, but actually it's the worst. Well guess it is part of rebooting. Let's hope for a better day next day. Especially stay mindfull about tonight, let's make sure not to slip

 

I agree. Addiction wil never be gone. But it wil become almost non existing when one get deep into a streak, for example 50, 100 days +.

Today was day 7, slept like absolute shit last night and had to get out of bed early to drop something of at the hospital. After that i really really did not felt like taking a cold shower. I did so anyway, after that i also did some yoga. Good job boy!

During the day it became quite clear that a lack of sleep and rampant testosterone are not the best combination. Worst urges of the streak, by far. Going for a long walk now, meditate en get into bed. Let us stay mindfull that if the road is slippy we better set up camp and continue walking the next day. Stay strong brothers!

 

Alcohol was a huge trigger for me when i started nofap. I know that if i drink, which i still do occasionally, i'm in a bad place the next day. It's all about finding out what triggers you. It's very personal.

Day 8: Damn. First time in 8 days i feel like a man again. Just went for a walk, felt people looking at me as if a lion was walking the streets. Good times!