75 days in, monk mode - healing wounds

Hello fellow nofappers,

This is my first post on forums, even though I've been a member here for months now. I was mostly lurking different subs and topics, reading people's experiences and struggles. And as you can probably tell - I'm in the same boat as many of you.

Before I start writing about my problems and how it all started going downhill for me, I feel great obligation to mention and thank @Roady for the work and time he has put up writing his journal and for helping people with his insights and motivational content.

I'll try not to end up with a long wall of text, well ...hopefully. And I'll try to motivate some of you and maybe have few tips that'll help you in some way, at a minimum - you might not feel that bad about your problem(s) after reading my story.


About me

I had a few relationships behind me when I was younger. I ignored emotional component in all of them, maybe because of porn, maybe not. One thing is for sure - I wasn't porn addict back then, or maybe not fully. I had great sex before and I was really enjoying it. About the lack of seriousness - I think it's mostly because I was interested in my field of work and promising career. There wasn't much time for anything else as I was trying to score something big in my life. Financially, primarily. At one point I had my greatest and my worst moment of life. Greatest being a job offer that was too good to be true (but it was true) and at literally the same time - physical illness that came out of nowhere. Maybe it had a lot to do with the stress with family's estate issues that were happening months prior to that moment but it could also be my fanatical need to achieve something greater.

You can already probably tell how it all went down - I had to dedicate my time to try and heal myself. It was painful, scary, tormenting. The icing on the cake was that I was alone at that time (no relationship) and that turned out to be a crucial thing. After my illness I isolated myself from friends and family. I decided to put my life on a pause for a few months to get my sh*t together ... and I never unpaused it since then. That was few years ago (OUCH, RIGHT?). What I didn't notice at that time is that my health struggle changed me. It started taking away all the best from me - job, human contact, relationship with women, good connection with parents and close relatives, ability to think clearly, skills and everything that goes with it. Money, too.

As I was enjoying being hidden from everyone, I started tanking my savings and spending time healing myself - with porn. Very stupid thing I know, but it wasn't intentional, it was subconscious. One video a day turned out to be a few videos a day, then many dozens of videos every day every week... all the time. After 2 years, I even started gaining fetishes I never had and I morphed my sexuality completely. And it was all on loop - sleeping, eating, porn, eating, porn, eating, porn, sleeping... The more time passed, the less masculine I felt. Certainly having no gf, no job, and very little money didn't help and dragged me further into it.

It wasn't until recently that I woke up and realized where I'm heading. I feel like someone who has spent years doing hard drugs and now has no recollection of what was going on in his life all those years. Worst thing of all is, I've desensitized myself to normal stimuli and now I have something that I heard people call - supernormal stimulus(?). Hopefully abstaining fixes that. But I don't expect that to be 90 days, even with monk mode.

Aside from desensitization, I also suffer from PIED and thanks to porn I have very low self-esteem and self-degrading thoughts (hence why I got fetishes I got).

Anyway, I'm currently over 75 days on hard, monk mode (I'm not sure how many days exactly, I'll know after posting this). I had few relapses prior to this streak and my previous longest streak was ~40 days.


How did I managed to get this far?

It's super tough. It's hard and it's easy at the same time. You need to decide to make this a lifestyle and not something you'll do for a while and then go back to porn in X days. That's the first step and very important one. You need to start resenting all of this. Think about what you're missing. If you have a partner - think of them, if you're like me - think how you need to work on yourself to have a chance to potentially have someone beside you. Then it's all worth it. One philosopher once said "It's a shame to waste your young life and not master your own body" (something along those lines). I can only extend it a bit further - "... and your mind". Pornography numbs us, makes us demotivated, nothing good can come out of it.

Here are some tips that helped me:

Tip #1: Decide to make nofap your lifestyle.
Tip #2: Stop caring about counters and stop counting your days. That will amplify your anxiety and make you go on your day 0 again.
Tip #3: Stop doing activities you've liked doing prior or immediately after porn use / orgasm. Your brain will connect your pleasure or promise for a pleasure with things that you were always doing before or after porn. In short terms - break your habits as they're most likely cues by now that trigger your brain to work in a certain pattern.
Tip #4: Delete your social media accounts or just uninstall apps and don't frequent until you have higher control over your thoughts and body.
Tip #5: Delete your <insert favorite game store service> app, stop listening heavy tempo music (especially the one you like) and don't watch too many movies.
Tip #6: Get a new hobby. Any hobby, really. Preferably the one you can do it on your own and at any time.
Tip #7: Listen to calming classical music, you even have compilations on YT (but don't go any further than that)
Tip #8: Never go to bed if you're not sleepy.


Benefits so far

I feel better ever since I stopped using pornography. Because I feel a bit less miserable, less tired and I have a bit more hope and mental clarity to try and help myself. I still feel miserable, but less. I struggle with emotional and physical pains daily. I'm also tempted almost every day. But I learned not to hate it and not to be discouraged. I'm still isolated from others, but I'm making my way out - I have started working on a project and I have business plans for it. I have long term goal - to live, have steady income, have gf and most importantly never turn my back to life ever again.

• I returned to my religion (Christianity)
• I feel less tired and less numb
• Better learning skills
• Removed all social media accounts, movie and music streaming services and game store apps
  
• I have more meaningful life
• Noticeably better hair and beard
• Normal posture
• Have more motivation, so much that I stared a project
• I got 2 new hobbies and I'm quite good at them
• I have more patience and I've learned to analyze my thoughts
• Super high emotional need for a relationship

Anyway, I might even start journal here on nofap and as soon as I can I'll definitely donate.

Keep it up fellow nofappers! NO SURRENDER!

 

Thank You for your advice!
I'll try to educate myself more on EMDR, didn't heard about it before. It's worth a shot.

 

Thank you guys, your support is very much appreciated and it means a lot to me.

Well you can still play games, just try not to do it every day. I have over 700 games on Steam and I had to uninstall it for the time being. In my opinion if you're just starting with nofap or you have trouble with the perseverance, it's for the best to start dopamine detox alongside with nofap. That means you will remove all other unproductive activities that provide strong kick. I think games, movies and mainstream music, especially now when our generations have everything "on demand", are very much problematic. They can provide higher kick of pleasure and for a longer periods of time depending on how long we consume it. That makes us blind to simple, useful and fulfilling stuff. That's why people feel lazy in my opinion. That's the case with me.

About hobbies, well I can name a few that I practice myself.

I started playing piano recently (you can get keyboard piano cheap) and I already play guitar. If you don't have experience with any instrument it's even more fun as you will have to learn some musical theory and it's very interesting and it's amazing feeling when everything just comes together and you gain understanding of it.

Another activity could be some other form of art - painting, drawing, digital art, wood carving. This is probably the cheapest hobby you can find, it's fun and it's probably the most calming of all. Don't forget, official science also suggests art as a form of therapy. IT WORKS! I personally do a lot of wood carving and some 3d modelling.

Start reading. I know, I know - it sounds boring. But if you're on dopamine detox, you'll find satisfaction in reading. It won't provide you with crazy high kick, but it's gonna be enough to feel motivated. Especially if you pick genre that suits you well. Tons of political, philosophical and religious material is out there. Best part is, you can use the content of these books to keep yourself distracted from those unwanted thoughts and actions. Ever since I started reading, and I equally read all of those genres mentioned above, I often have thoughts about how right or wrong was the author and I try to explore certain things a bit more. You also get more smarter.

 

Oh I had those. I still do. It's all about anxiety. Anxiety is what makes everything about nofap hard.

The thing I usually do - every time I get upset, angry or sad (all of these things trigger anxiety), I just say to myself - "I feel bad and tempted right now, I know what my brain wants me to do, but I won't do it. I'd rather endure temptation right now so I can control my mind and body better next time."

And that's the point, if you don't give in, you'll feel less triggered to fall into your old habits. You'll feel less tempted. You'll control yourself better next time, until one day you stop being tempted in this way. Thing is, anxiety will always exist on some level, but it won't trigger your PMO habits. Remember to always think about benefits (of not giving up) in the time of your hardships.

Also, you may want to try to distract yourself during those times. One famous Greek monk used to say - "When you start getting left (wrong) thoughts in your head, always combat them with the right ones.".

 

I think those are all very much individual things. I don't believe we experience this the same way.

When I started nofap, like the very first time, 6th or 7th day were the hardest. After few relapses I got more endurance (somehow) and I could very well do 14 days without an issue. But then, I'd feel REALLY REALLY BAD temptation. And I'd feel that way almost constantly during next 2 or 3 weeks. Then suddenly it gets better. I assume it's the brain changing its tactic. After that you get occasional temptations that are hard, but as you progress with nofap they're less hard to manage and less tempting. It all goes along with neuroscience and psychology. There's a video where Jordan Peterson explains the addiction issue and why it's hard to stop it (in his video he was talking about smoking, drugs and alcoholism) but it's the same thing with porn really. You need to deny yourself the drug in every possible context in which your brain has associated your drug usage with the cues (triggers). That way you'll rewire your brain. But it takes time and endurance.

DON'T FEEL BAD IF YOU FAIL! Don't even feel bad if you keep failing for a long time, as long as you keep getting up and continue with the fight. Remember, it took a long time for us to get where we are with the addiction, you can't expect to heal yourself and make significant progress in short period of time.