79 days in, it's me who is struggling

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by NinaP, Nov 28, 2017.

  1. NinaP

    NinaP New Fapstronaut

    I am the SO of the PMO addict. We are not far away from the 90 mark and Hubby is feeling good about his progress. I have been supporting him as much as I can. He seems to be happy with his progress and thinks he is cured!

    Back storey; is that we have been married for over 2 years, been together 2 and a half years. He married me without me knowing about his addiction. Since I found out, he has been stringing it out with lies and keeping his emotional distance from me with distractions. But since Dday, he has grown to be more affectionate in ways I don't remember being before like cuddling me in bed (the not trying to get sex way)

    But I am scared that my feelings could be problematic? I feel depressed, I have been looking up plastic surgery websites because I don't feel good about myself and don't like the way I look. I have been suspicious, checking that he hasn't taken his phone/ipad into the bathroom. And just feeling sad because I dont have alot of memories of us together where porn hasn't ruined my life.

    I probed him last night because I looked at my calendar of all the times I had gone out without him before Dday and I knew something wasn't adding up, then, and only then, he admitted that when he said there were only 3 times since our 4 month old was bourn, he meant 3 'clusters' of relapsing so the day before Dday and maybe more then one time i was in hospital with baby and maybe a few times here and there but he doesn't remember. It really annoys me that he doesn't remember.

    Does anyone else have problems of their Hubby conveniently forgetting and then later admitting it but then saying things like "maybe i did and maybe i didnt" OR "your just trying to make me remember stuff that didn't happen"?
    - If I am supposed the be his 'accountability partner' should I be able to accept this?
    -Should I just be happy that his making progress? I don't feel happy.
    -What happens after 90 days? Do these feelings get worse, better or stay the same?
    GrinsSadly likes this.
  2. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    I'm an SO and I'm not past 90 days so I can't advise on that.
    Do not change yourself to fit what you believe your PA wants. You are perfect just the way you are.
    We are all here for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    He's Gaslighting.
    That's not a good sign.
    It's a sign he's not recovering somehow... He's hiding something.
    90 days is the standard reboot.
    It's not a fix.
    You (your husband) need real long term goals.
    And betrayal trauma recovery usually does not even start to heal until after 6months... When the shock wears off. (at least most women say) so I'm not sure what what you are asking about "getting better" it's not going to get better unless you both work on it. Equally.
    Feel free to ask any questions you may have... But that is my two cents on this for now.
    GrinsSadly and Deleted Account like this.
  4. Agree with all of the above.

    But you also might want to consider not being his AP. Some couples can do this but not many. It shouldn’t be on your shoulders and it makes you like his porn police which he won’t like and neither will you.

    Yes my guy gives me the I don’t remember crap too and I hate it! What happens after 90 depends on the person and how much effort they’ve put into it. I have a whole journey “after 90” and it unfortunately doesn’t look too much different but that’s only because my guy hasn’t only been abstaining and not recovering. I hope yours is actually working his recovery to get to the root. Hope that makes sense.