Had another fall. I don't want to let it go it seams. I am better at watching my thoughts and motivations. Conversations with myself. "What is your motivation to stop?" Answer comes. "To be awesome." I ask "Why do you want to be awesome?" "So my brother will accept me." Me to myself. "He never will" "ouch" "Why do you need him to accept you?" "Because he is so much better than you and your value depends on how good you are" This is my subconscious speaking. I consciously know that this is aburd. This is the underworkings of what is going on. It is amazing how clearly I am seeing these days. My parents and my brother are real a holes and think they know everything. I believed them. They also shamed me and made me feel stupid a lot. Now I just need to figure out how I can change this. Rosary time.