2 days. Feeling good. Feeling hope for the future. I noticed yesterday how much pressure I have on myself all the time. I am hardly ever relaxed. I am always in fight or flight mode. I allowed myself to relax and the world around me became really bright and colorful. My jaw is always sore because I am always in "grit your teeth" mode. I started doing it a long time ago to prove to others that I am doing a good job. My body has been in fight or flight more for over 20 years. Doing things like deep breathing used to stress me out more than it did me any good. This might sound strange, but having to do that meant to me that I was screwing up. I've always had so much pressure on myself not to screw up. Checking my mail is terrifying because I have sometimes recieved mail from collections agencies. Meaning I screwed up. So much of what I am scared of is screwing up. That I dont have my life totally under control. I think this pressure is a big part of my problem with PMO. Maybe it was the only time my body could relax over all those years. Those women never judged me either. I think the hypervigilance and fight or flight is my fear of being harshly critisized. I have myself in environments where people don't judge me. I am eating a diet that is supposed to help with fight or flight stress. I am drinking tea daily that kills cortisol. I listen to classic music every day which does the same thing. I am developing a better spiritual life. I am becoming so much more calm.
Started 90 Day Challenge on Jan 25, 2019 Day 177/182 no PM (relapsed day 51, 70, 102, 150, 162) Day 80/90 meeting my goals Day 182 no alcohol Day 50 of weight training - feeling good after having urges this morning but had sex with my wife for the first time in 3 weeks instead of PMOing - it was excellent and I was more present now that I have been clean of PMO for so long - had a real coffee today as I reached the 6 month mark which was the planned end of my no caffeine experiment - now to see how it effects my prostate and bladder and my nightly peeing problem - will drastically reduce my caffeine intake regardless of the outcome in future - Aug 10 I will try alcohol again and see how that effects things too - I am doing them separately so I can tell which one has the most negative effect on my body - I highly suspect PMOing is the worst culprit and the one I need to permanently lay to rest - my hope is that what I am journalling here on nofap will help someone else with BPH symptoms and know what to do to help it - have a great day, fellas
let´s keep going my friends. yes it´s hard, yes there´s pain, yes there´s misery, yes there´s rejection, yes there´s sorrow, yes there´s regret, yes there´s weakness, but we will not give up. whatever happens we will not give up. for all the brothers who are struggling to start, this is for you. have a great weekend!!!
Yesterday was very wholesome day but today I had the the strongest anxiety attack yet in public, had to escape the situation.
06/90 Yesterday was so bad with urges that I didn't think I'll make it to today. It is with gratitude that I'm posting this. Great weekend everybody!
