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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by 2525, Oct 27, 2017.
I relapsed... Its weird how I was going on 8/90... But had the urge to M, a day after having 3 rounds of sex with my girlfriend
Anyways its 0/90
Day 45. Half way to 90.
Day 87 of 90.
2/90..Quit smoking too 11 days ago, doing a hard reset
Day 0. No excuses. Just starting over.
Started Challenges Jan 25, 2019
Relapsed 15/243 Days
Longest streaks 67 and 51 days
Current Challenge 0/90
Day 77 weight training
Day 11 reduced alcohol, caffeine and deserts
Sorry to say, but I relapsed this morning. I had sex with the wife last night and the chaser effect got me as the urges were relentless. My new game plan is to do 12 seven day challenges while still being in the 90 day one too. If I can't succeed by Jan 25, 2020 (one year from my joining nofap), I will get rid of internet for 3 months in order to succeed. I wish everyone the best of luck with your challenges and making your goals. Cheers!
A Saiyan is starting another battle... Bring it on...
Pardon my inconvenient Q
But why u didn"t ask her for another round instead of relapse?
Does sex & fap r equal in sense & self relief???
Done. 1 day without PM.
No temptations whatsoever on the first day.
89 more to go.
Way to go. Just 89 more days!!
hi bro, i´ve been in this journey for 1 year and half. i learned very much from my experience and the experience of others, and literature on the subject. i´ve assembled some pointers to help me guide and the other fapstronauts. here they are, i hope they can help you
"welcome my friends, stay with us, sharing not only motivates you but also motivate others. here´s some pointers to a strong and safe reboot that will save you tons of time and suffering.
1 - recognize beyond any doubt that your an addict. not someone who has a bad habit. Quoting from the book "Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn" from Noah Church (free on his website).
“The following 11 criteria are inspired by the APA's (American Psychiatric Association) substance addiction diagnostic tool and with some adaptation each criterion applies equally as well to porn use (…). Make a tally mark for every statement that applies to you.
- You use more extreme pornographic material than you planned, use porn more frequently than you planned, or have used porn over a greater time span than you planned.
- You have several times expressed that you would like to quit or reduce use and/or have unsuccessfully tried to reduce or stop use.
- You spend an inordinate or inconvenient amount of time acquiring, using, and/or recovering from the effects of porn.
- You experience strong cravings for porn.
- You have compromised major obligations at home, at work, or at school due to porn use.
- You continue using porn despite knowing that it is consistently causing or worsening social or interpersonal problems.
- You have skipped or given up significant social or occupational activities in order to use porn.
- You use porn in ways or locations that are physically hazardous.
- You continue using porn despite knowing that it is consistently causing or worsening physical or psychological problems.
- You have acquired a tolerance and need more lengthy, varied, or extreme porn to feel the same or similar pleasure as when you first started using.
- You experience unpleasant withdrawal symptoms when you abstain and may use porn to alleviate these symptoms.
According to the APA, "As a general estimate of severity, a mild substance use disorder is suggested by the presence of two to three symptoms, moderate by four to five symptoms, and severe
by six or more symptoms."
2 - Once you accept the truth of your problem, recognize that you can´t control PMO usage. don´t waste precious time of your life trying to fit porn in your life, you can´t control this thing. “Oh… maybe on these days, or only on that days….” Forget it. See for yourself, if you could control this you wouldn´t be an addict in the first place. the only way to break free from the addiction is to abstain from all sexual indulgence till a point you have good health and no desire to PMO.
3 – the moment you realize pmo is deeply wrong, stop it at once. Don´t use any kind of excuses, especially the “one last time” excuse. Addictions are chronic diseases, technically you don´t know when it will be the last time. Relapses often happen in reboot. The difference is that if you allow yourself to “take a break” before starting the reboot or “i´m gonna fap just one last time” deep down you´re still seeing pmo as a positive behaviour. This will make the reboot much harder to accomplish because you have a positive belief about pmo. You have to see pmo by itself as a deeply destructive behaviour, even one single time. So in a nutshell:
- pmo destroys your physical energy.
- pmo destroys your mental energy.
- pmo destroys your motivation.
- pmo makes you nervous and angry. Repeated use leads to social anxiety.
- pmo makes you depressed, destroys your self esteem.
- pmo makes you sex obsessed, a pervert.
- pmo makes you see people as objects, destroys your empaty and compreension towards others.
These are the main harmful effects, but there are many more. If you fall for any excuse to pmo, no matter what it is, you´re falling for the circunstance trap. The moment you use an excuse to fap today, tomorrow you´ll use another excuse. It´s only a matter of lying to yourself.
You know how lot´s of people do New Year´s Resolutions? Most of them never acomplishes what they promise because they´re using circunstances over willpower to create a change in their lifes, and circunstances always change. So search in your mind and see if there´s any positive belief left about pmo. Expose it and set your mind straight, see with 100% clarity that pmo is deeply wrong and you want to finish it. Once you reach that clarity start nofap, not tomorrow, not in a few minutes, NOW.
4 - motivate yourself daily to the reboot. PMO destroys a lot of areas in life but what are those things that really pisses you off? How do you want your life to be? That´s your motivation. Motivate several times per day through the entire reboot, because the urges and porn thoughts will be alive and kicking. Motivate everytime you feel hesitant until you feel 100% clear again. Motivation can come from a text, a video, a music, whatever, anything that boosts you to keep doing the reboot. Sucess stories of ex-porn addicts are also good motivators.
Motivate also to prepare for urges. Write down all the typical beliefs that you use before a relapse. To each belief write a answer to it. Read the beliefs and the answers everyday so to be prepared when the addict mind tries to trick you.
5 – you can´t do this alone. Studies show that is very rare to someone to overcome an addiction alone, almost impossible. That´s because the feeding ground of addictions is isolation. So the treatment goes in the opposite direction. You need partners, groups, therapy, forums, whatever, do as you prefer, but stay in touch.
It´s important that you have a partner on this journey. This will increase your accountability (accept responsability for your behaviour), boost your motivation and win a source of feedback.
If your married i strongly suggest you come clean with your wife. By telling the truth about your problem she can be a valuable accountability partner and a source of support. It´s also better to know the truth from you, instead of eventually finding out, if she already doesn´t suspect something´s wrong.
6 – motivation is important to keep the willpower high, however it´s not enough because the addiction has a very strong pull. So create physical barriers against PMO. this means install porn blockers, use electronic devices with screens facing exposure, doors open, etc... I strongly recommend to fapstronauts don´t be home alone with electronic devices in the first month (or even in the entire reboot). this is because the compulsion to PMO is very strong in the beginning and will make you go autopilot very easy if the circunstances are gathered.
7 - delete any porn/softcore material that you have. if you keep something with you that means you´re keeping the flame alive.
8 - withdrawal is hard, sometimes harder than the addiction. but after some time the period of intense withdrawal ends, although withdrawal symphoms may occur from time to time as the brain is rewiring. For the hard withdrawal prepare yourself for fatigue, anxiety, irritation, deep sadness, insomnia, brain fog, headaches, etc... but don´t worry, after a while energy will start to rise and you´ll feel amazing . it´s worth all the efforts. to minimize withdrawal always stay well fed, hidratated, an build a good sleep hygiene, sleep is very important because it´s one of the main sources of gathering energy and good mood so make sure you sleep well. sleeping pills, vitamins and antidepressives can also help.
Brain fog is one of the worst symptoms of pmo usage, so i recommend this technique to help cope with it.
9 – Eliminate alcohol and sugar consumption at all costs. These substances drain your energy, promote lethargy, irritation and depression. Never get drunk. Excessive alcohol prevents the brain for rewiring, leads to more fatigue, irritation and brain fog. It will also deplete your willpower making you more likely to relapse.
Also stay away from screens, wether TV, PC, mobile, whatever.... screens cultivate a passive attitude. they rob awareness and create dullness. if you want to interact with screens that´s fine but only for a specific reason, when that reason is over, the viewing must be over also. Another problem with spending too much time in front of electronic screens its because of the blue light they emanate. this can a create a syndrome called “dry eye” which can cause disturbances to fall asleep.
Use social media in moderation, social media increases the feelings of depression and loneliness. It releases dopamine (one of the feel good hormones) on the brain with minimal effort so it activates a quick reward system like pmo. Dopamine is naturally released with good nutrition, sleep, physical exercise and everytime you feel gratified by something you did.
When you search dopamine in a quick reward system like junk food, alcohol, drugs, pmo, social media, etc… you´re not creating anything, you´re just waiting for something to make you feel alive. Plus if you repeat that behavior often, the brain will adapt to it and get hooked on the easy dopamine paths, craving for more. As consequence you´ll lose motivation to do other things. This is specially problematic for us since we´re trying to rewire the brain beyond quick dopamine rushs. So behaviours of excessive social media by association can lead to behaviours of pmo, plus by increasing the feelings of depression, social media can in turn increase the tendency to fall into pmo.
Studies recommend a maximum use of 30 minutes per day so use it in moderation.
10 – practice meditation daily or any kind of relaxation technique. This is very important to calm the body against urges and help cope with withdrawal symptoms.
11 – Negative feelings are common triggers to pmo. This is a crucial part of the reboot because many times relapses happen to escape pain or discomfort. We have to deal directly with the parts of our experience that are unconfortable and cope with them in constructive ways. If we don´t deal with these feelings, at neurological level, the midbrain that is severely hijacked by pmo, will start to take over for the “excitement solution”. That´s why it feels we enter automatic mode just before a relapse, we are being driven.
So if you feel bored follow the trail of inspiration, think about several things you would like to do right now and choose the one you want the most. Even if at first you only feel a small pull, do it anyway. After a while energy will increase so as the mood and you´ll be inspired to do other things.
If you feel sad accept the situation that cause it, or change it if you can. Also talk with someone about it and do something pleasant.
Stronger emotions like anger or hurt i recommend meditation. A good technique is the “letting go” technique. Psychiatrist David Hawkins explains in detail: “Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind it. The first step is to allow yourself to have the feeling without resisting it, venting it, fearing it, condemning it or moralizing about it. It means to drop judgment and see that it is just a feeling. The technique is to be with the feeling and surrender all efforts to modify it in anyway. Let go of wanting to resist the feeling. It is resistance that keeps the feeling going. When you give up resisting or trying to modify the feeling, it will shift to the next feeling and be accompanied by a lighter sensation. A feeling that is not resisted will disappear as the energy behind it dissipates…
“When letting go, ignore all thoughts. Focus on the feeling itself, not on the thoughts. Thoughts are endless and self-reinforcing, and they only breed more thoughts. Thoughts are merely rationalizations of the mind to try and explain the presence of the feeling…
“Sometimes we surrender a feeling and we notice that it returns or continues. This is because there is more of it yet to be surrendered. We have stuffed these feelings all of our lives and there can be a lot of energy pushed down that needs to come up and be acknowledged….”
12 - in the reboot you´ll have flatline periods (total absence of sexual desire) and periods of strong pmo urges. To deal with urges watch nofap motivational videos, click the panic button, get out of the house or take a cold shower. Cold showers are particular effective to kill urges, so if you going through a horny period, take cold showers daily.
However, all these methods are just bandage solutions, you have to face the issue at a deepest level: Why do you have pmo urges? You might think “it´s because i´m an addict” or “i´m horny” but that´s not true. It´s normal to have sexual urges, but urges for pmo is another thing. Why do you have pmo urges in some situations, and in others you don´t? Why some situations trigger you and others don´t? Why do you keep relapsing even when you don´t want to? When you´re thinking on doing pmo, what is really happening inside yourself? That is your demon. That is the thing that got you addicted to pmo. And it has nothing to do with being horny. When you feeling urges and thinking on doing pmo, sit down, close your eyes and be with yourself. Do the “letting go” technique. You´ll see that the thing that motivates you to pmo is a actually a void, a deep disconfort in yourself. Maybe it´s connect to a disconfort of being lonely, or feeling bored, or lack of attention/validation from others. It´s a personal issue. Face the fact, don´t run from it, don´t cover it up, face the feeling, look the demon in the eyes and it´s energy will dissipate. Once you faced your fear he will have less power over you.
13 - do physical exercise regularly. this will release the “feel good hormones” – dopamine and serotonine – that will boost your mood. Physical exercise is also good to release sexual tension that will build up as time goes by.
14 - write a goodbye letter to porn. be brutally honest. an addiction is also a relationship so cry your heart out, say all the things you want to say, and say goodbye.
15 – create a new life. this is the step i found more important (sideways with the daily motivation). why? because you´re not only abstaining from porn/masturbation, you have to replace those behaviours for others. or else porn will return, no matter how much time as gone by. pmo abstinence will leave a lot of free time so you have to create a new life system to fill that time.
So what do you really wanna do with your life? What are your passions? Go for them, daily, live your dreams. This is very important because as time goes by your willpower to continue nofap may oscilate so you have to gain enough passion for your new life to prevent a setback. If your life is not passionate enough, by homeostasis your brain will not accept the change and make you relapse. So time is not relevant, what´s crucial is what you do with time.
Another obvious remark of creating a great life is that wether you´re an addicted or not, wether you´re in nofap or not, time is passing by. You can die at any moment. How do you want to live your life?
16 - Once you have attained a solid streak, especially surpassing the first month (which is the hardest) it´s simpler to attain greater lenghts of time in nofap. However this may create a sense of overconfidence and make you believe you´re in control and you can soften your guard against pmo. This is an incredible powerful trap in which many fapstronauts fall including me.
When you start feeling good that doesn´t mean you can ease your aproach towards pmo. The system that got you to clean 30 days, it works!! So use that system to 60 days, 90 days and so on…. Don´t deviate an inch from your inicial plan. If you start softening your attitude towards pmo, start searching, start peaking, don´t motivate yourself, don´t work on your passions, etc… your brain will rebel and turn to the old dopamine solution, making you relapse faster than you imagine. Quoting JK Emezi, a porn rebooter coach:
“When you have a system, you will realize that your slip or relapse back into porn and masturbation did not happen randomly. A system shows you that your relapse began days or weeks ago when you stopped engaging the self-care behaviors that have been keeping you off porn.”
17 - the addicted mind will not break easily. it´s likely that you´re gonna relapse, relapse a lot. the key is too keep going, never give up. if you don´t give up you will make it. Garanteed. This aplies with everything in life. You just have to want it, badly. If you want it you´ll get it, you will find a way. All the excuses that we put up “oh i´m not strong enough”, “not smart enough” “not good looking” “not rich enough”, “oh, i´m super addicted” “oh, i´m just unlucky” bla bla it´s all ideas that are not tested, excuses to justify failure and make us feel pity while time is passing by. Plain and simple, if your not getting what you want, it´s not because of circunstances, it´s due to your lack of determination and self-discipline. Perseverance is the game changer. So in each relapse try to know something about yourself, how your mind works, what are the triggers. knowledge is power.
If you relapse try not to binge (pmo multiple times), the bigger the binging the harder the withdrawal.
18 - Avoid any kind of sexual stimulation. Anything that we consciously engage with a lustful purpose: engage in viewing, engage in hearing, engage in touching... will make dopamine being release in a unhealthy way on the already unbalanced brain. Stimulation will increase urges and destroy motivation for other things (as pmo is still the main drive). So don´t believe your mind if it tells you to peak, it never wants just that. After that the addiction will kick in strongly and start drilling until it breaks you. The obsession will not stop. The same goes for touching. So don´t even take the first step.
The ideal is to make a 180º shift on reality. Engage in totally different activities through the day. Luckly there´s a million to do things that have nothing to do with sex.
If you have a partner and want to have normal intercourse try to abstain at least on the first weeks to give the brain a rest. If you do sex but thinking on porn that means you´re using your partner as an object. That´s a relapse.
19 – Sometimes life is tough. No matter how much you work on yourself, no matter how much you motivate, have self-care, how long is your streak, etc etc, in the end human life is impredictable. There will be ups and downs that are simply beyond our control. So it´s important to develop a tool to use when you´re feeling really low and thinking on pmo. A relapse prevention tool. A known tool is called HALT. HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Whenever you´re experiencing this sensations is when you´re in a low point. Needless to say that in these moments the addiction will show up to “give a hand”. By using HALT you compromise that you´ll work out these issues before you embark in any kind of destructive behaviour.
Another useful tool is to have a Triggers Plan. Doing a Triggers Plan means that you identify all the factors that potencially leads you to pmo and deal with them before they constitute a real danger. Example: Let´s say that at night you usually think on pmo. A trigger plan can be that you put all the electronic devices away from you at night, in a inaccessible spot. That way even if you start feeling hesitant, you have no way of acting out, so the hesitation will die quickly. If you need to work on your laptop at night, go to places in the house with other people, the screen facing exposure. If you live alone, work on your balcony, screen facing the street, etc etc… make the plan very accurate.
20 - you can´t go back to porn. this probably is the harshest truth that addicts can hear but it´s the truth nevertheless. Why? Two major reasons.
- you´ll be an ex-addicted, always. that means you can´t have a normal relation with porn. if you engage in pmo, sooner or later you´ll become an addict, again. Quoting from a gambling disorder specialist, he wrote why ex-patological gamblers could never come back to money games. This naturally aplies to other addictions as they all have the same backbone:
"We talk about treatment and not cure because there´s a lot more data at neurobiological and genetic level that stated that dependency is a cronic problem, but not terminal. This means through treatment it´s possible to conquer life quality built on abstinence. (...) My 15 years experience dealing with dependency disorders makes me afirm that whoever had severe dependency can not attain the desired control to consume. Generally speaking it´s only a matter of time until the obsession, the compulsion and the impulsiveness return. These are the factors that lead to loss of control and priorities switching that caracterize this behavioural dependency, among others"
- in high speed internet, there´s an infinite suply of sexual material, new sexual material. dopamine is released not only by viewing and fapping but also by searching novely. This means the search itself creates excitment. So once you give your brain a taste of the "stuff" it will crave for more, always more.
21 - destroying any hope of going back to PMO will make the reboot stronger and more determinated. This is because some fapstronauts secretly do the reboot in order to gain control over porn, so to use it in moderation. But as we have seen before, this is impossible. Plus if the goal of the reboot is to use porn, porn is still in the horizon. This becomes a contradiction to the present streak and will make it much harder to endure. On the other side all ex-addicts firmly agree that no one ever wants to go back to porn cause life now is too good to be true, too good to go back to hell. Rebooters that did tried to PMO again founded that they couldn´t control their behaviour and had to do the reboot a second time. Some said the second reboot is harder than the first one. This is why you feel depressive sometimes - you´re leaving a deeply engrained behaviour. But seen from another perspective you´ll loose something that´s close to you now, but you´ll gain an amazing life beyond your dreams. Quoting some successful rebooters:
“Nofap will make you live the life that you dream of”
“In nofap you´ll be so happy that you won´t know what to do with yourself”
22 - 90 days usually is the standard time to break free from the grip of pmo. However experts estimates that an addicted brain needs 18 to 24 months to fully heal. Counting the days can boost your confidence but it also has down effects. Counting may create the sense that only when “that” specific day is reached everything will be fine, your life will be perfect. so you focus on the time and not the process, which is your life. This can make a streak harder to endure by putting extra pressure to reach “that” day and not reset the counter meanwhile. To avoid this trap see nofap as a lifestyle and not merely a time challenge. The challenge is for the critical 90 days shift. After that nofap evolves to a lifestyle.
It can also help to create two counters:
- One global counter or a calendar that indicates how many days you´ve been in the nofap journey (clean days and relapse days).
- One consecutive counter that indicates your consecutive days in the present streak.
Resetting the counter can be demotivating, it creates the sense that your recovery is on zero, and that´s not true. the more days you spend without pmo the more your brain rewires and learns to live a life without unnatural sexual stimulation. By having two counters you´ll have a better sense of your growth.
In some cases fapstronauts report stress when they count the days one by one. if this is your case, then don´t count the days, just keep the starting date for reference and do the reboot.
Overall, don´t give importance to what day you´re in, don´t care about the 90 days. Addictions are cronic diseases so avoid thinking on absolute terms. Statements like: "i will never fap again" etc, these kind of thinking may help in the initial boost but in the end it helps the addiction. It´s an attitude based in the same impulsiveness that leads to pmo. So instead of making absolute promises, it´s better to think moment by moment, day by day, "this moment, this day - no pmo". This will remove pressure from yourself and allows for the only thing you can do which is dealing with the present moment. That is the core of living in abstinence.
23 – Besides the damaging effects that porn does to the body and mind, there´s another problem much serious that goes through society. You see, we´re not really addicted to porn, we´re addicted to sexual stimulation - lust. We tend to internet porn because it´s the fastest, easiest and most graphic form of lust there is.
Sex should come in the context of a loving connection. Lust - whether from porn, softcore, hookers, our dirty mind, etc… - reduces human beings to objects. We stop seeing a person as a whole and reduce it to it´s sexual feature. We´re using people instead of loving people. It´s the same nature of killing, stealing, etc… we´re not respecting others, we´re abusing them.
Society has a great deal in why things are this way, we are constantly being bombarded by sensual materials, it´s everywere. And that is something we must strongly say “NO”. We should know somebody´s body when we know their traits. That creates a deep connection between two people and through it sex becomes a transcendental experience.
So everytime society presents you with the sexualization of the body, wether from movies, magazines, internet, prostitutes, etc… turn your head away. People are not body parts, they do not exist to satisfy our needs. I have no doubt that the lack of compassion and much of the violence between men and women are deeply rooted in the way society encourages the reduction of people to objects.
So if you can see from this perspective, the attitude towards pmo changes from “fighting it off” to “giving it up” because it´s plain wrong.
24 – Sex industry destroys it´s own agents. Often porn stars suffer from emotional problems, some of them we´re abused as children, raped and during their porn career many turn to alcohol and drugs to cope with the shame and guilt.
The filming is very degradating for actors, specially woman, sometimes forcing them to painful, humiliating scenes. Many pornstars die in early age. Their deaths show a clear pattern of self destruction from carrying a burden: suicide, drugs abuse, alcohol abuse, sexual transmitted diseases. As one ex-pornstar said: “the industry picks people who are already damaged to damage them even more”.
So every time you click on the porn videos (or even paying for them) you´re giving views to a site that will be supported by ads. You´re promoting your own suffering and the suffering of others.
25 – the reboot implies 100% commitment. If you don´t take it serious neither will be the results. If you take it serious, like if your life depends on it, the change is at your hand. You´ll become a new person: happy, faster, stronger, smarter, confident, sexier, social, peaceful. You´ll become a high successful person and there will be pretty much nothing you can´t accomplish, because after conquering your demon you can conquer anything.
i wish you the best luck, strengh and focus my brothers. believe in yourself, you can do it."
3 months it´s too harsh man. almost like a punnishment, you won´t go far that way. i think the best is a middle path. if you can stay out of the internet for too long, then at least go to internet in exposition. stay with your laptop on the porch or in the balcony, turn the screen facing exposure, or go to internet in the cafes, libraries, whatever... work something out that´s doable and enyoable. the problem with being indoors home alone + internet is that it becomes extremely easy to fall into temptation. "i´ve time to spend, i´m alone, i´m bored, i´ve my brain full of porn girls and scenes, i´ve my internet". bro, it´s almost mathematic.
imagine an alcoholic on treatment, living in a liquor store.
do something about your environment bro, better safe than sorry. caution will never dissapoint you, but carelessness... that hurts a lot.
long time no see bro, and you´ve done it!! congratulations, how do you feel?
and you relapsed. see how that ends?
it´s the chaser effect bro. you got to be careful. after sex be extra vigilant because the addicted mind will show up to continue in other ways...
good day today but with a real hazard. my wife twist her foot and i become nurse and house caretaker. after lunch she fell asleep and i suddently saw myself with the all afternoon time free + internet + technically free to pmo. and after lunch for me is more difficult because i tend to get slopy now that i don´t take coffee. so i was roaming in the house, getting bored. i open the laptop but nothing grabbed my attention. so by now my brain was already pumping with thoughts of porn, softcore, nudity, etc... and then i started feeling paralysed, i knew i couln´t hold much longer. so i assemble my last strenghs and think on a list of things to do. i choose two things. i put on a music cd and i start to do the thing that i wanted the most. after a while my blood start pumping and i felt great again, then i go the next task and so on. never think on pmo again
i hope this experience can shed some light on why many times we relapse: out of sheer boredom. so when you feel that way follow the trail of inspiration brothers. you just need to make your blood pump again. that´s what your brain wants. if you don´t give it to him, he will solve the matter in other manners...
This is a very long and very old thread, butI am SO in. Day 0.
Thank for ur advice. I want u as my through out my nofap journey.
Day 4 of 90. The day starts with a positive vibes